|Reviews for Return of Princess Rona|
| NoneKnowme chapter 4 . 10/18/2013
| ultimateCCC chapter 4 . 10/18/2013
Isn't Commander Vee a girl?
| Naiomii chapter 1 . 9/13/2013
I like the concept of it, hearing about Rona's wedding, but it was hard to read. First, the grammatical errors. For example, '"Thanks Tokkori listen up everyone Kirby, Tuff and I will go and escort Rona here for her wedding while you guys get everything ready for the wedding. Tiff ordered.' I cant help but read this in a flat, monotone voice and couldn't imagine any expression on Fumus face. You definitely could have broken this up a little in to three sentences and added another coma. Something that's been bothering me since chapter one was how you use quotation marks. They're used at the beginning and end of a statement, not at the beginning and again in the middle. '"Thanks Tokkori. listen up everyone! Kirby, Tuff and I will go and escort Rona here for her wedding while you guys get everything ready for the wedding.", Tiff ordered.' You should learn the difference between There (location), Their (possession), and They're (description). The Salesguy isn't Nightmare either. Nightmare is the big guy with the floaty arms and cape, not the guy who sells Dedede the monsters. He's never given a name, but most people refer to him as "The Salesguy", "Customer Service", or juts "CS" for short. Giving a better explanation to the passage of time would also be nice. For example, in chapter one it took the kids 5 hours to find all the things they needed for the wedding. Because Waddle Doo found out about the wedding at the same time they did and he told the king when they already had everything, it implies it took him 5 hours to get around to telling the king this important information. A lot of the time words are missing from sentences. "Tiff could tell something is wrong with him but was interrupted by Sir Ebrum('s) voice" [Be more consistent with your tenses. This sentence has both present tense and past tense in it and its just confusing to read] "Welcome young prince we'll escort you and Rona to the wedding location (in) 15 minutes." "Tuff was very excited for the wedding but then he noticed his sister (had) a something on her mind." just to name a few. Most of the dialogue sounds awkward. " "Sure(,) I think something is wrong with him.", "Well yes(,) I mean I love Rona('s)[This apostrophe and S isn't needed], I'm just nervous about getting married because many people will be watching me giving Rona a kiss( up on the altar.) (when the priest say you may kiss the bride.)[Everyone knows the bride and groom kiss the priest says that]", "Look Alexander(,) my dad was nervous too but he got some support from his friends and his wedding was a complete success(!) in other words everybody gets nervous when they get married.(") [again no quotation mark] Tiff said with a smile." These sound weird because they explain too much and are "wordy". These don't sounds like things every day people would say, they aren't natural sounding. I hope this was of any help to you and I hope you improve in the future. Best of luck!
| XterlaVonzed chapter 1 . 7/25/2013
Oh, I wonder who the prince is!
| coleypepwars3679 chapter 1 . 7/17/2013
the arrows are gonna shoot
TO THE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM :O
Grammar 3/5 (you have errors which I will explain)
I WILL LIST (2) OF THEM FROM ORDER OF THE... IDK
1. YOU NEED TO PUT MORE COMMAS (LIKE AS IF..
2. MAKE YOUR SENTENCES SHORTER (This creature know as Cupid he has the power to make people fall in love with his arrows but in this case it only works on females but if his arrows break well not only is the person that's under his spell is broken well let's just say you don't want to see at what he truly looks like. NO BREAKS AT ALL. IT NEEDS COMMAS. BETTER SENTENCE:
This creature is known as Cupid, he has the power to make people fall in love with his arrows, but in this case it only works on females but if his arrows break, well, not only not only is the person that's under his spell is broken well let's just say you don't want to see at what he truly looks like. COMMAS ARE BETTER. IT SOUNDS BETTER WHEN YOU SAY IT, RIGHT? RIGHT.
3. WHEN 2 PEOPLE SPEAK, PUT THE OTHER GUY'S WORDS IN ANOTHER PARAGRAPH. (LIKE THIS:
"I like potatos," "Are you going to eat one?"
"I hate potatos with every fraction of my soul!"
BYEZEEZ. :D :D :D