|Reviews for To Belong|
| LattyDatty chapter 1 . 12/28/2014
i hope you havent forgotten about this story :( Im really missing it, please update pleaaaasssssseeeee
| thisisharderthanitseems chapter 10 . 10/11/2014
I liked the Booker-centric chapter :/ Continuing in my lazy-vein, I'll speak to highlighted elements. Though in this case (cause I'm on a plane and can't load up the reviews) that's just the concern I have over the permanent damage Elizabeth has likely inflicted on Noah. Hypoxia is no joking matter, and can very easily cause permanent damage to muscle tissue and (more critically) the peripheral and central nervous systems. She needs his mind functional and his spirit bent, not broken. Crippling someone can very easily do just as much damage to their psyche as their body, so she'll need to be a bit more careful (I feel).
| thisisharderthanitseems chapter 9 . 10/8/2014
It's hard for me to describe what I like about this chapter without regurgitating the whole thing. I also can't review something as a reader and a critic simultaneously. I don't know why. As such, I'll take advantage of the items highlighted in your shout-outs to repeat reviewers.
1: I vote for interweaving the two plot arcs (I know the voting is long past at this point, but why not?).
2: I had felt that Elizabeth and Noah's relationship was evidencing an anime trope that I've never cared for: the juxtaposition of loathing an individual whilst still blushing/responding with anything other than disgust to their flirtations/advances. While instances of such interactions were far less frequent in this chapter, I'm still worried about that. However, I think that might be influenced by the fact that Noah's character profile uses and anime image.
3: This portrayal of Elizabeth is much more in line with her end-game/DLC self. I'm not sure when this chapter was published, though I'd be surprised if it was after the release of the first DLC. So it';s impressive that you've extrapolated her end-game personality in a manner that's rather accurate to her DLC (Ep. 1)/dark-side portrayal.
4: I do like the contrast between Ernest and Noah, however I feel like the combination of drama and comedy your seeking in Ernest's character needs work. Comedy and drama can be intertwined, but not really presented side-by-side. The combination only really works (in my experience) when you use brief moments of humor to emphasize a bleak situation, or when the scenes of humor and drama are separated by what amounts to a resting period. Also, I (and it may just be me) feel that Ernest's pause during his confession to Noah (about his failure to save Noah) was a tad bit melodramatic, and thus stole from what was otherwise a very serious scene.
5: I have a number of issues with the portrayal of Elizabeth powers in the game, and their portrayal here is generally in-line with the issues that I feel any mortal would have with the kind of powers she has: a human mind can only perceive/comprehend so much, and that volume is (I apologize for the truism here) infinitely less than infinity. With an ultimately human mind, Elizabeth could never continuously perceive all the information available to every version of herself. She can only perceive what she thinks of, and so so she wouldn't know about any possibilities that she does not first envision. This ultimately comes back to the game's butchery of the Many-Worlds Interpretation of quantum mechanics: either there is 1 universe, and every probabilistic event that occurs has only a single outcome; or every possible outcome of every probabilistic event occurs, and there are a neigh-infinite-if-not-infinite number of Universes. So, for instance, there are at least as many universes in which Elizabeth did not kill Booker as there are probabilistic events that did not effect that decision (i.e. every electron jump ever).
X: One thing I did notice going back through the chapter is a lack of consistency in the use of present vs past tense in X places [para. ]
| thisisharderthanitseems chapter 7 . 10/6/2014
My only comment to the angry sex is that (imho) it is properly just as aggressive from both sides. In this scene we have Booker fucking Elizabeth, rather than the two of them fucking each other. That said, I get that such was not quite your intention with this scene. As to the the development of Elizabeth's character, I agree that this chapter is more in line with her end-game/DLC self. One thing I do wonder about though, now that I think about it, is how Elizabeth managed/manages to reconcile versions of Booker still existing despite the whole point of murdering her Booker (the one that rescued her) being to somehow imprint his choice to accept the baptism and then die across all versions of him. Which is admittedly an outgrowth of the game's lack of internal consistency at the end rather than any plot-whole of your own creation, but is still a quandary effectively highlighted towards the end of this chapter.
| thisisharderthanitseems chapter 6 . 10/6/2014
Gotta say, wasn't expecting her to turn them on one-another. I do like the development of Elizabeth's character, although i feel like it's retracing some of what was developed over the course of the game (Elizabeth had gone rather dark by the end of it).
| thisisharderthanitseems chapter 3 . 10/5/2014
This chapter hurt to read. I know that, realistically, Booker is too flawed a character to not fuck up like that, but it still sucks to read it. I can only hope that he doesn't do too much damage to himself before his better aspects shine through (assuming they ever do).
| thisisharderthanitseems chapter 2 . 10/4/2014
I approve of fact-checking. Proper research is one of the keys to good writing. Also, really liking this so far.
| Annabelle chapter 13 . 9/25/2014
Karl's phone call scene had me giggling all over the place. I am looking foward to elzs "plan".
| Guest chapter 13 . 9/25/2014
This chapter was really good, real cliff hanger! Can't wait to hear more about Booker and what happens in Buffalo, also waiting for Noah to die, but very interesting, looking forward to the next chapter!
| Guest chapter 11 . 9/25/2014
I very much enjoy these stories, fantastic literature actually, and as much as I like Reed, I prefer to hear about Booker, and how he feels, his guilt and such, I love seeing his sadness because I can relate, but I also like how he continues on though, whatever the case, keep it up, I love reading these stories and look forward to any future entries
| ding0ng chapter 13 . 9/12/2014
I think that this is one of the best bi stories I have ever read and I do agree with the guy who said reed was annoying. Anyways, if reed really wants to fight the white injun, then he should really be trying to unleash the false shepherd
| Bonsaiblob chapter 6 . 9/11/2014
That Warhammer 40k dude was right after all:
"Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment."
Because - despite dearly hoping otherwise - this story actually *is* mostly about Reed.
I had to stop reading mid-chapter because I just couldn't take it anymore. Do you know how often he smirked during this chapter alone?
Twelve. Frigging. Times. TWELVE! In a single chapter! And those are just the *smirks*. By now he smirked so often that he managed to make me *hate* that word.
Out of curiosity I took a peek at some of the following chapters just to see how much of his constantly smirking smugness I'd have to endure to get to the good parts. And - like a true "sue" - he is BY FAR the most prominently featured character. And no, being aware of and having other characters comment on his villain sue traits doesn't make him any less annoying.
It's a real shame, because - despite all that - you're actually quite talented and both your story AND even Reed himself startet out very promising. But now I can't continue anymore. I tried, really. Many times, in fact. But it's just not possible, because that guy pretty much ruins the whole story, robbing it of all of its potential and thus my enjoyment of it. He is like a splinter under the skin of everything else, which I just can't ignore, as much as I've tried.
So I take my leave and wish you the best of luck for your future endeavors. Hopefully, after you've overcome your obsession with him, you'll be able to grow as a storyteller and manage to resist the temptation of contaminating future stories with that sort of character.
P.S.: the link from my last review was supposed to lead to a tvtropes entry about villain sues. Hopefully this time it works:
tvtropes pmwiki / pmwiki . php / Main / VillainSue
tvtropes pmwiki / pmwiki . php / Main / CREATORSPET
| Bonsaiblob chapter 5 . 9/10/2014
I know I'm quite late to the party, considering you're already at chapter 13, and what I have to say may already come too late, but I just had to comment, because as awesome as your story otherwise certainly is, there is one big flaw that's seriously beginning to grate on my nerves.
I CAN'T STAND that guy.
Not because he is such a despicable character, which he certainly is, but because he is so DAMN ANNOYING.
For example: during this chapter his henchmen were constantly surprised to see him smile during that tight situation. I wasn't. Because that's all he ever does, really. EVERYTIME in EVERY situation EVER. I bet even if Santa Clause came barging through the door, poledancing on a flying pig made of chocolate and cotton candy, he would just smirk and say something like "What took you so long?" or whatever. I'm certain that his facial muscles must be *sore* from all the grinning and smiling and smirking. Is he even *capable* of facial expressions other than those that show nothing but pure smugness and superiority?
He fears absolutely NOTHING. He is ALWAYS in TOTAL control of EVERY situation he's in. He is ALWAYS smug to EVERYONE around him. Even to his superiors! I mean, seriously? He can taunt and bullsh*t a freaking mafia boss and get away with it? Really?
I know that you've taken a shine to this dude for some reason, but do you realize that Reed is dangerously close to wading into "evil mary sue" (or "villain sue", see also: /Main/VillainSue) territory, if he isn't there already? And do you *also* realize that having such a "sue" character in your narrative is basically a kiss of death for your story, regardless of which side he is on?
Now, remember that I really like this story. I think it's one of the best BI stories I've read so far. If that weren't the case, this whole thing wouldn't bother me so much and I certainly wouldn't take the time and effort to write such a long, rambling review in a language other than my mother tongue. And despite all that, I'm certainly planning to continue reading it, hoping that you will manage to show some restraint with Reed in later chapters. But when I take a look at how many stories you've already written featuring this insufferable tw*t, I can't help but fear that my well-meant critique my already be too late.
So please: I know it's hard when you are so obviously in love with your own creation, but try to tone it down a bit. Remember that this story is not about *him*. Or, at least I *hope* it isn't.
Other than that, please continue your awesome work and update soon!
And I apologize for my bad english. ;-)
| Akeeni chapter 13 . 7/28/2014
Now shut your mouth before I dip my balls in your coffee.
I nearly died, right here.
I am a woman of little words, so I will just say that I am really enjoying this and I am looking forward to reading more.
| Spamak47 chapter 13 . 7/21/2014
I think it'd be great if Booker uses vigors. Remember to keep up the good work!