Reviews for Could It Be
KShade chapter 8 . 8/17/2013
Well, this was a good ending, I could predict that he'd save her, but I despite that, I'm glad they got their happy ending. Commas and thoughts again are my concerns, but I sound like a broken record. You've heard it all before from me. So, prospects for a sequel if you're interested. Neferet seemed to be laying low during this (I'm guessing this is after Hidden) Maybe, in a fit of rage, she sweeps into the House of Night, determined to find those who witnessed the scene with the mirror, not wanting anyone alive to have seen her vulnerability. That could lead to some dangerous situations for Aurox in particular, though that would also mean the rest of the circle (Zoey, Damien, Shaylin, Shaunee, Stevie Rae, Rephaim, Stark, Darius, Thanatos, Kalona being everyone who was there). Given your small time-frame, i reckon you didn't have time to read over and edit and whatnot, so if you want me to help you with that, just shoot me a PM. Thanks for the story, and for the entertainment that it provided me.
KShade chapter 7 . 8/17/2013
I was quite wrong about where this chapter was headed, but I like your way better. I didn't think Zoey would be that supportive, but it's nice seeing her with one boyfriend. I like that shes grown up enough that she's not being a jealous bitch. I just don't think it would happen in canon. kudos for getting Zoey to *finally* choose. I think Becca's suicide was a dramatic turn of events, but it makes sense. The one thing she has to believe in appeared to be cavorting with Zoey. I did find another run-on "They say it's darkest before the dawn; that was true, and that was the hour Becca was in. Becca ran and ran and ran, she knew what she had to do; there was no other choice. She couldn't live like this, it felt like her mended body had just been broken all over again. It hurt so much she just couldn't take it! She looked up the hill that she'd have to climb to get to the top of the dam and started her hike." Is how I'd divide it. I did take out one small redundancy. I feel like you could give us some more emotion in this scene as well. It's another maelstrom type scene; however, it's not quite written with all the emotional overload the characters must be feeling. Also, as per every other review I've given, more commas in some places would be of the good. But, on to my prediction, I'm guessing Aurox is going to save her this time, though it would be quite the twist if he was too late. I'm hoping Aurox saves her. Granted, it would also be a twist if she died and saw Aurox from the otherworld, and asked to be reincarnated so she could make things right. Then there could be a sequel involved... Shade's theorizing-logic. It probably makes no sense. This was definitely a solid penultimate chapter.
KShade chapter 6 . 8/17/2013
I do like the new shipping name. Becrox. it's fun to say. (okay, now i sound like a child) your commas and showing thoughts are both greatly ameliorated in this chapter, so good job, you! It's starting to look a little obsessive, what with the way their thoughts always circle back to each other. The couple mistakes that I saw were "Deport tunnels" which should be depot (deport means to banish a person/people from a country) and " she didn't usually feel it but it was that cold she most defiantly could." (defiantly means rebelliously, I think you wanted definitely). I'm guessing the plot is about to thicken, because of her absence from that class. My theory is that she thinks she can die happily now, but I'll see in the next chapter, won't I?
KShade chapter 5 . 8/17/2013
I'm liking the developing relationship between Aurox and Becca. At first his motive was primarily one of concern (and random speculation would say he wanted to redeem himself a bit) and now he's becoming protective. I think he's finally starting to know why he saved her. The bickering between them is also great, I love the way they argue so realistically. I mean, there's no way they'd get along perfectly from the first moment, so what you're portraying is accurate to real life. There was definitely a twilight-esque moment with the Aurox watching Becca sleep, i don't know if it was intentional or not. one small correction would be adding some colons to this sentence, like so: "One: he loved Zo and wanted her to be happy, two: he cared for Becca and didn't want her to die, three: she'd turned into an obsession and had brought to the surface some emotion he couldn't describe and doubted as Neferet's Vessel was supposed to be possible."
KShade chapter 4 . 8/17/2013
I'm glad to see your characters are still as real as they started out. The way they speak is definitely consistent with their portrayals in canon. It's rare that that happens on fanfiction, so congrats. the first sentence was another run-on, so you need to be mindful of those. "Becca woke with a start still in her prison, Aurox was asleep in the chair he'd been sitting on. Becca looked around, the key for the chain was on the other side of the room, there was no way she could reach it. She stood up, entering the bathroom, she got on the ground and looked carefully behind the vanity of all the luck there was a hair pin. She just managed to grab it she turned around on the ground and begun tying to unlock the chain." would be my way of sorting it out, but however you choose to break it up would be fine.
"She won't in a group but I hope I can help her" Zoey smiles. I'm not sure what you meant there. sometimes fanfiction randomly deletes words though, so it's probably just a computing error the site made. Uh, I hope I don't sound harsh or anything, cause I realize concrit isn't always pleasant. I'm only doing this because I can see this being such a great story.
KShade chapter 3 . 8/17/2013
Sorry for missing ch 2. I'll make this review extra good. So, I'll start with characterization. That's your strong suit. They sound very much like they do in canon. You've captured character's voices, which is a tough thing to do. Kudos. I just wish you'd show more of what people are thinking. Their fight this chapter could've been an emotional maelstrom, and definitely gotten the reader emotionally attached. Your dialogue is great, but we need to see what's behind it. Also, "So you're saving me but you don't know why and I'm trying to die because I have nothing left what a pair we make" is a run on. "So, you're saving me but you don't know why, and I'm trying to die because I have nothing left, what a pair we make." (the period because there's no dialogue tag after it) so some commas would be of the good, but other than that you're golden. I hope she finds something(one) to believe in soon. :)
KShade chapter 1 . 8/17/2013
It's a unique idea. I like that you're trying to add dimension to a minor character who pretty much exists in the series for comedic fodder. It's good that you're making us acknowledge the character that we've ignored. I'm glad Aurox stopped her. Generally a suicide attempt in chapter one is a little'excessive' but I think you've pulled it off quite well. I hope they end up together. Zoey does not need two guys anymore. I think someone who could actually appreciate Aurox will be good for him. There were a few small mistakes I've noticed (forgive me, I'm pedantic) such as "she pounds on his back, screams and shouts obscurities" I'm guessing you meant that she was swearing, in which case it would be obscenities, rather than obscurities.
Also, "you are not dying" he says eventually." should be "you are not dying*,*" he says eventually" (well, without the stars, but you know what I mean.) It was a mistake I was prone to until my english teacher got after me for it, it's so small that most don't notice, but if there's no other punctuation (?,!) then there needs to be a comma at the end if there's a dialogue tag. But it's a solid idea, and I'm genuinely excited to move on to the next chapter.
madi chapter 1 . 7/26/2013
you need to think more of the way Aurox speaks he is more simple with less personality and more inner thoughts (which are very deep) but the story sounds great. keep writing