|Reviews for Upon Wishes and Stars|
| lilliaenchanted chapter 1 . 12/8/2013
this was a nice story and i like the way you wrote it. but there is a little constructive critisism that i would like to say so that the future fanfictions that you write are better. the first thing is that you need to remember is tense, this story was in past tense, but some of the verbs were in present tense. the second thing you need to remember is spelling. it makes it hard to understand what you are saying if you don't spell everything correctly.
| Guest chapter 1 . 8/3/2013
OMG! I loved the way u made the speech. I wish I was there so I could have seen Erza's face, must have been priceless!
| OrbitingArbiter chapter 1 . 7/26/2013
Hello there! Congratulations on submitting your entry first before anyone else. You get brownie points for that, though sadly it has nothing to do with your actual score. Oh well, on to business.
Let's start with the most boring part first; technicalities. Not bad, I would have to say. I enjoyed your language use. You aureate a bit in some parts, which makes for a whimsical feel that is staple in most fluff fics. I also appreciated your descriptions on their actions, for it was quite easy to follow.
However, I did notice a couple of other things. You have a tendency to comma-splice, meaning you combine two independent clauses with nothing but a comma. For example:
‘he tried to shift it into a comfortable position, it was no use’
‘He smiled at her, he was able to see her face again.’
‘He cleared his throat, the moment would be ruined if he stuttered or choke.’
These are examples among others; it would make this review too long if I posted everything. Anyhow, notice how the mistake turns it into a run on sentence. It’s grammatically incorrect, and it makes it a bit iffy to hear or read. Also, I did notice the slightest inconsistency in verb tenses.
‘Those were his final words on this subject, since his wish will come true, soon.’
‘She straighten her position, leaves crackled from underneath her.’
On the matter of technicalities, it was average overall. There were a few individually grammatically incorrect words along with the points I talked about earlier, but I’ll just assume they were just minor typos. After all, I did forbid a beta, so it’s a forgivable mistake.
Next thing on the agenda would be your portrayal of the characters. I think you wrote about the adorable awkwardness these two manage whenever they’re around each other fairly well. Also, I must say it is a nice change to read a Jerza fic that isn’t tragic or breaks my heart in two. I liked how you took the two and gave them something to be happy about, and considering the context, I would say that they were well IC. Yet I think you could have delved into their thoughts a bit more. While your descriptions of their actions were sufficient to tell the audience what they felt, it might have been nice to see a bit more on their emotions, their pasts, and how every moment between them led to that moment.
Finally, I must say that you’ve chosen a scene that’s popularly written for about every pairing, as well as the idea that Jellal would troll her a bit with the idea of his imaginary fiancée. To be honest, it felt a bit safe for me, and though it was quite good, much little separated it from the rest. Let me give you some pointers before I end my review; the best fluff fics are the dynamic ones. Another barrier to writing about fluff is that it’s such a common idea, to the point where one that is similar to another becomes quite redundant and boring for a reader to see. The idea becomes totally vanilla when that happens (which happens quite a lot), and so you really have to use a lot of creativity that will make it sizzle.
Overall, I think you’ve done quite well for the first challenge, and I would like to commend you for this tingly feel-good story. Don’t be afraid to step out of the box. Unleash your imagination! (Oh dear, has this become my catchphrase of sorts?)
| I'mLongGone chapter 1 . 7/25/2013
Yay! He proposed! Keep up the good work!