|Reviews for Now You're Thinking with Real Science
| BabyCharmander chapter 2 . 9/7/2013
Another review! So we’re starting with… Dib now, it looks like? I had to look up the stuff about the spell drives. New satellites, huh…? I can guess who those are!
Oh, radio frequencies? That works. %D I’m glad you have them talking through that rather than having them inexplicably able to talk in space. …Pfffhahaha, yes, Dib, great idea turning your volume up when you’re listening to clips of Space Core. Not that he would know, but…
I like the comparison of the telescope to a microscope—it gives a clear picture of how powerful it is. But I guess it’s useless for looking for stray cores, heh.
Wheatley! I was gonna ask what he’s up to—but—then… space. Not much he can be up to. XD;
“Here, though. There was absolutely nothing.” I dunno if you made these sentence fragments on purpose, but I think they’d read better with just a comma there instead of a period; a period is too strong. Haha, I do like how you write from his perspective. …Oh gosh he tried staring at the sun. XD
…Aww he edited the memories. D: Noo Wheatley don’t do that. “You might as well be dead,” awwwww. By the way, I like how you show the cores talking via radio frequency with the brackets.
“Zim, the Irken invader bent on dominating the Earth; Zim, who had somehow managed to fit himself” I think a dash would work here better than a semicolon, since you’re not joining lists or complete sentences.
Looking good! I wonder how all these characters will tie together.
| Ice assassin Ace chapter 5 . 9/6/2013
| BabyCharmander chapter 1 . 9/3/2013
OKAY! Let’s get started reviewing this thing. I should be in bed right now but I wanted to read at least one chapter tonight. Eheh. In any case, I don’t follow the Zim cartoon, but I’ll do my best to read and review this! You wanted detailed constructive criticism, so I’ll see what I can do. (Please don’t be upset by anything I point out though. D%;; I dunno what I’ll wind up commenting on but I’m never trying to be mean.)
Hmm, I can picture what’s going on in this first paragraph, but it’s still feeling a little clunky. Try to make your phrasing more concise—clip phrases you don’t need. It might feel like you’re taking away from your story, but by making it more concise, you’ll be adding to it. For example: “expanding and growing brighter” can be shortened to “expanding and brightening.” “Up and above and brighter by far than anything on the ground, the full moon hung in the sky like a glowing white lantern” could be shortened to “Up above, and brighter than anything on the ground, the full moon shone like a glowing white lantern.” And so on. …Though it occurred to me that you mentioned the first light is “brighter than the other sources of light,” only to say that the moon is brighter than anything else later.
You do use very good verbs and adjectives! I can see that right away.
Oh goodness, did Chell bring the companion cube with her? …And I really like the detail that she isn’t used to smiling. It’s kinda sad, but it makes a lot of sense.
Look at this: “He said…” “He turned…” “He once again turned…” Those are all in the same paragraph, all in a row. They’re broken up by dialogue, but it’s still repetitive. Try to vary your sentence structure when you can without being awkward. But if you can’t, then at least make sure you don’t have the same subject for the beginning of each sentence.
“The woman, with the strange cube still clasped to her chest… although the strain it produced due to its weight was obvious…” You have a parenthetical phrase set off by… ellipses? I have to admit I haven’t seen that one before. You should set off phrases like that through either parenthesis or dashes, but not ellipses. Also, be careful of dangling modifiers. Because you ended that first phrase with “chest,” it can read like that’s what the parenthetical phrase is describing, which results in a rather awkward sentence. :P Dangling modifiers are easy things to miss, though, so I understand. Just be careful of them.
“her gaunt, thin face” “Gaunt” is basically a more descriptive version of “thin.” Be careful of repeated adjectives like that—get rid of the extra one.
“although if someone had told her that they likely would have woken up by the side of the road with a new lump on their head.” Made me laugh. :P
“and just downright ugly in appearance; nothing like the crisp ascetics of the test chambers she had been forced to navigate only days ago” Semicolons are meant to join two sentences. Since the second half there isn’t a complete sentence, I would change the semicolon to a dash.
“The man on the moon” Not sure if you had her think the phrase incorrectly on purpose, but if not, it should be “man in the moon.”
I really really like your characterization of Chell here. Even from the brief glimpse we get of her here, we can tell a lot about her character. I feel bad for her, though…
Overall I’d say it’s a pretty good start. I’m not too familiar with stuff from the Zim cartoon, like I said, but I could get a clear picture of what the city looked like from your descriptions. Really nice work! But I’ll have to read the rest later because I should have been in bed 40 minutes ago. %D;;
| 999 the 9th chapter 5 . 8/26/2013
Poor Wheatley, being attacked by birds. I think Zim, Dib, and Wheatley (if he made it past the front door without being killed) would make excellent subjects for co-op testing. If GlaDOS thinks Wheatley is a moron, wait until she meets Zim or GIR. That'll change her tune.
| pandaheadpancake chapter 5 . 8/26/2013
ahh! I love this! And i just wanna give wheatley a cuddle because of dib's questions about aperture.. i have a feeling he will dig too deep O.O LOVE ITTTTT I LOVE THIS STORY SO MUCH AHHHHHH
| 999 the 9th chapter 4 . 8/22/2013
This is a brilliant idea! Do continue
| pandaheadpancake chapter 4 . 8/21/2013
AHHHH! The ending! THE ENDING! Guh guh. Also I LOVE the part where Dib and Zim are just awkwardly like "No it's not my space probe" "Oh.." XD I love this story so much and im so stoked about the next chapter hngg! This is so amazing! I i i cant handle the epic I *collapses*
| Bat and Butterfly chapter 3 . 8/18/2013
Another great chapter! Can't wait to see what happens next!
| pandaheadpancake chapter 3 . 8/14/2013
I didn't log in because I'm a fool BUT I love your writing and I loved this chapter! I assumed dib was gonna go into space and fetch the cores but I'm glad I was wrong ! squee! I have no idea how Dib will react to these cores when he reels them in wow! so excited, love this story to bits - keep working your magic oh great one *bows*
| pandaheadpancake chapter 2 . 8/9/2013
WOW! I absolutely love love this! I very much like the idea of all the characters getting their parts in (from their point of view) and I am SO stoked to find out what happens next! What is Zim going to say when Dib comes to his front door with Wheatley and Space core?! haha, also I love both Portal and Invader Zim so this is like the the total bees-knees ooo so glad i found this!
| Bat and Butterfly chapter 1 . 8/7/2013
Please continue, this is great so far!