|Reviews for Weep You No More Sad Fountains|
| mickey2234 chapter 12 . 1/23/2014
I just wanted to thank you for ripping out my heart. Amazing story and I would love to compliment you on your writing. I found it fluent and the plot was simply amazing. You did a wonderful job of portraying the characters in this situation. Very wonderful.
| EccentricFox chapter 2 . 1/3/2014
I tried, I honestly did, but half the time I was left wondering if you plucked words from a thesaurus to substitute others, despite their meaning not quite fitting with what you're trying to say and complicating sentences when a plainer word would have done a better job. I even wondered if English is your second language, so I was shocked to see the little Union Jack on your profile.
This style of writing doesn't suit your story; I don't think it's natural for you, either. Are you trying to emulate a particular writer? Maybe you should consider establishing your own style. You don't need fancy words to make a good story. You just need the right ones. And you need to know what they mean, how they fit together in a sentence and sometimes it even helps to know where the word originated from.
I'm sorry I couldn't read it. Really. I would have like to find out where the story was going, but I just couldn't read it - the sentences were impenetrable, bogged down by words and lost in meaning.
| EccentricFox chapter 1 . 1/3/2014
So I've only just started reading but I have to say that some of your sentences are...difficult to follow. I warn you now that what follows may be considered harsh or unwarranted criticism. But I would hope that you don't take offence, as that's not my intention.
I don't know, yet, if this is a good story - I honestly haven't made it that far in, but it's apparent that you have a talent for writing, although it feels like you're scripting the narrative in a lyrical, whimsical fashion (nothing wrong with that, of course), but the effort comes off slightly forced, unnatural and sometimes make the sentences difficult to follow.
You have to pick your moments if you're going embellish the story with verbal filigree; to know when it's appropriate or when it's unnecessary and that's not always an easy ask.
I often find that the more succinct you are, the more effective your sentences become. Especially if you need the scene to be fast paced, as in the case of witty repartee, action sequences (fight scenes, chases etc) and for the more mundane things (like performing chores, walking from one room to the next and so on). When you're setting the scene, describing something in detail or when you want to achieve a lull in the narrative - a resting spot, if you will, then you can dress it up a little more. However, there really are no hard and fast rules and a lot of it comes down to instinct.
Now to the actual story:
For a start, I thought when you referred to the King, you meant Arthur - an aging, possibly deranged Arthur. You may want to clarify that particular sentence. When you lead on with Merlin standing behind Arthur's chair, it's still not apparent. Even if you referred to Arthur as Prince Arthur, that would help to direct understanding and make it clear that "king" refers to Uther.
To your manner of phrasing - as I mentioned earlier, I haven't read far enough in to judge the rest of the chapter, and I'm sure you don't want an essay on the each sentence, so I'll just mention the parts that I've read so far.
When you're describing the manner in which the messenger interrupts the council meeting, "...somewhere in his features deep down was the hopeful sighting that the importance of such a message would excuse him from his unbecoming haste".
I had difficulty following this. Whose hopeful sighting? How can something be seen deep down in someone's features, when a person's features are only skin deep? Expression and posture, maybe. But features really only refer to the physical eyes, nose, mouth, chin, cheeks, jaw and brow.
You also bring up the fact that he has no sense of decorum or regard for the meeting he's interrupted, so why would he be worried about his actions and not solely focused on imparting the message, especially considering its importance?
The phrase you used to describe Uther, "His once handsome face falling in the direction of time's compass" - it's a little nonsensical. 'Compass', I think, is the wrong metaphor. If you were to go with 'hands of time' as in a clock, or 'passage of time'. Perhaps, "His once handsome face succumbing to the ravages of time" or something to that effect.
The next paragraph, where it's from Merlin's perspective is also difficult to follow. Especially the part where you have, "...which he took with self-surprising, subtle vivacity, to study Arthur's figure and try to understand him..." Well, really the whole paragraph is somewhat unintelligble. What content? Who makes sense?
Below I've tried to interpret it. I don't know how well I succeeded. I'm still not sure exactly what you were trying to convey, so please bear with me.
- Merlin stood behind and to the right of Arthur; from this vantage Merlin was unable to discern his expression but he'd watched his master from this position enough times now that he no longer needed to see his face to know Arthur's feelings. Merlin's eyes travelled the familiar planes of his shoulders, up the nape of his strong, sculpted neck, lingering on the way his hair curled coyly against his skin. He'd lost count of how many times he'd watched Arthur like this, but it never ceased to give him an odd, guilty thrill and part of him looked forward to these moments with a hungry anticipation that surprised even him.
Arthur's posture straightened, shoulders rigid with unease and he turned his head to give attention more fully to the messenger. A lump of anxiety nestled in Merlin's stomach; whatever it was, it was serious. Merlin tuned back into the conversation, wishing he'd paid more attention to the content of the meeting and less time idly studying his Prince. -
Of course, our styles are understandably, incontrovertibly different (you say po-tah-to...lol) and I'm not saying that you need to completely change the way you write, but you may want to consider finding someone - someone who is not a friend (or at least a friend who can be incredibly objective) - to either beta this or act as a sounding board for you.
The great thing about the TV series, Merlin, is that it's a modern re-imagining of an old legend, so you can take licence with the language to some extent (not completely, or you'd lose total believability) and write it using a more modern style.
When you write, it's important to keep in mind that the audience isn't always on the same wavelength as you and something that makes perfect sense in your heard, may not come across as clearly on the page or screen.
There should be a motive behind each and every sentence:
Does it accomplish what it needs to? Does it read well? Does it make sense when read aloud? Is there any way to improve on it?
These are the things I try to keep in mind when I'm writing. And these questions really help to iron out the wrinkles.
I realise that this is a finished story, and you're unlikely to revisit it, but you might like to keep what I've said in mind for your next project. I'm willing to keep reading, because I'd like to see where you take this, so I'm reserving judgement for now.
| kie-chan214 chapter 12 . 9/15/2013
Oh my god i loved every second of it
Awsomeness, i bow down before you oh great one * bows from the waist*
| Guest chapter 12 . 9/7/2013
The ending was stunning! Utterly heartbreaking but so perfect. The ability you have to mix passion, love and sadness together so seemlessly is astonishing. You're an amazing author - you should be proud of this! X
| kitsuneshadow47 chapter 12 . 8/15/2013
*grabs a shitload of tissues and wipes cheeks furiously* Why- ;A;
*GROSSLY SOBBING* WHYYYYYY TTATT (what do you mean they both died!? I dklfnjkdlnvkldnvlkn *wails* NOOOOOO)
Oh my god, Nate, I am going to sneak into your house tonight and like eat your babies (loljk but my hands are ITCHING to fire that marshmallow bazooka in your face right now omg TT_TT) dude I don't even know what to say, I *cries* omg I read the quote you put down for this chapter, and right away, I was like, "Nate...NO. Just...NO TT_TT" (HOW DARE YOU GIVE ME DEATH NOTE AND MERTHUR FEELS AT THE SAME TIME TTATT)
...I still don't know what to say, so I'm gonna copy and paste the more calmed-down review I wrote on Word BEFORE reading this chapter. You can reply to either or both I don't really care anymore I'm going to go crawl in a corner again and cry my eyes out like I did on Christmas Eve ;A;
More calmed-down Kit: Nate, I've said it before and I'll say it again-your writing is BEAUTIFUL. Like not just any beautiful either. You take one simple thing Merlin does, or what, a LOOK Arthur gives him, and you make it more meaningful and pretty than it would be in simpler terms. Your imagery was amazing in how it made your story really vivid and real in the imagination and just...omg. Without a doubt, you have a genuine talent for writing, and it really is something special to have/be grateful for :')
I also really enjoyed how each chapter had a different theme, and I was able to experience the feeling of every one to the fullest extent. I thought, on the whole, your fic was able to convey so much about what happened between Merlin and Arthur that should have been shown in the canon. I mean, I could seriously see just how the story revolved around the development of their relationship (well-played dude :D) and just how important Merlin and Arthur were to each other. :) (You also write really good smut dude I don't even know where that came from because I usually read fluff from you but DAMN what you wrote was hot, okay? xDDD)
Awesome job, dude :3 *hugs*
| kitsuneshadow47 chapter 6 . 8/15/2013
;_; okayokay one more and then I'll save it for the end whoops x"D
let me just get this out:
1) I cried way too much in your "magic reveal" section and I blame it all on your ridiculously lyrical writing ;A;
2) I CAN'T LIIIIIIIIIVE WITH OR WITHOOOOOOUT YOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU
3) Nice touch with the "Cave of Two Lovers" :')
| kitsuneshadow47 chapter 1 . 8/14/2013
'Kay I don't usually comment until I reach the very end, but all I want to say right now (other than your writing is exceptionally gorgeous like usual xD) is that the minute I saw the words "Forest Spirit" and read on from there, my brain was already screaming "PRINCESS MONONOKE" XD
Excellent start so far dude-this chapter was really pretty and I liked the way Merlin treated Arthur when he was injured :') (especially the feeding xD)
M'kay I'm gonna go back to reading now "
| almaszahraghorilovesdollophead chapter 10 . 8/7/2013
I'm getting a lot of jane eyre feels from chapter 10! Loving it!
| allthingsmagical chapter 12 . 8/7/2013
why did he have to die, couldn't you have him live? this is probably the only story I will read with a sad ending. I loved the whole story though my friend and as always you have done an amazing job with your way with words. I loved this story so much and is one I could and will be definitely be reading again, congratulations on such a great fic my friend and I am looking forward to your future works :)
| allthingsmagical chapter 11 . 8/7/2013
loved the sex scene loved this whole story so far cant believe there is only one chapter left though :(
| allthingsmagical chapter 10 . 8/7/2013
Kissing in the rain has to be one of the best things ever! I loved this chapter so much just like the rest they get better as they go along and now only two more to go :(
| allthingsmagical chapter 9 . 8/7/2013
love love love.
Loved this chapter and yay for the merthur ending :D
| almaszahraghorilovesdollophead chapter 1 . 8/7/2013
Only read the first chapter and I am absolutely loving this fic so so so much! I'm so happy its all up in one go I can't wait to read the rest. Love your way with words and hope to read more of your work in future!
| allthingsmagical chapter 8 . 8/7/2013
aw I just want to hold Merlin and never let go, poor Merlin. despite the sadness I loved this chapter as always :)