|Reviews for On the Sixth Day|
| Moka-girl chapter 2 . 18h
I wasn't aware that it was possible to know what car it his by looking at skid marks, but then again, I am no expert. The writing on Mycroft's hands confuses me, and though I have some theories about the plot, I won't divulge them and will just read further to see if I'm right.
It would be nice if we were told a bit more about Stephen, because right now the knowledge is pretty minimal. Maybe in chapter 1, add a little bit more description?
You wrote Sherlock well, and managed to capture his personality, especially when he ignores his blood-covered brother in favour of taking pictures of the crime scene.
One thing I didn’t really get was Mycroft repeating the instructions to tell Sherlock about the kidnapping. Is it shock, and Mycroft being Mycroft, is still capable of knowing ages and birthdays but instead repeats things mindlessly? Or did he get hit in the head or something?
| Moka-girl chapter 1 . 8/19
Well, first thing I can say is that there is nothing I've noticed when it comes to typos or any kind of errors. The writing appears to be in top form, and is a delight to read. Had there been typos everywhere, reading this chapter would've taken me days.
First thing I noticed when reading: Nothing in the summary hints at the relationship Mycroft has with Stephen. Now, that isn't a problem for me, but some readers might want to be warned about the slash in the story, even if there's nothing explicit, because there are some people who don't care for this sort of thing. So perhaps add a warning in the summary? Just the word 'slash' would do.
Since Stephen is an OC, I hink you can add the OC tag to the character slots beneath the summary.
I would also like if Melissa and Hayley are introduced. Even a short thing like 'Hayley, Robert's wife, laughed at the joke'. That sentence tells us something about who she is, and it doesn't feel overbearing. Robert is a name I came up with for an example, and has nothing to do with your story, by the way. So just giving us a bit of info on who the two are, and why they're important? I know the other characters like Sherlock and Lestrade and all that because they're important, but it would be great to know who the two women are, because there's a lack of information about their importance or connection to the other characters.
Otherwise, I can say the story itself is perfectly well-written and you did a good job with the scenes, and I felt really drawn into the atmosphere you created.
| becgate chapter 1 . 4/7
Loved it! !
| GeorgyannWayson chapter 6 . 12/9/2014
Aw, this opening scene with pulling Charlie into bed with them! Daddy needs his little girl next to him., who gives a crap what some mother nutcase has to say?! My heart is literally a puddle. On the other hand, holy crap, something big enough happened to make John do that. I'm almost afraid to find out what it could be.
Aaaaaaand cue the icks because HIS EARS WHAT I CAN'T EVEN RIGHT NOW. Poor poor Stephen, I can't even imagine the amount of pain and suffering that the poor man is in. This just went from 'holy crap' to 'holy shit' in just a few paragraphs. Eddy, why you do this?! (because it's SO GOOD, that's why and you're just a puppet master like that). I love how Molly steps up and wants to help in whatever way she can. What a dear :)
LOL to Mycroft's "I'm not a teen girl" jab and extra LOL at the very simple "we had sex" - I just can't imagine how crazy awkward that might've felt to say out loud, but he could've said something worse *shrug* props to Lestrade for being cool about it.
LOVE LOVE LOVE this ending conversation with Harriet and Mycroft. Anytime she makes an appearance, I squee like a child because you've just made her into this fun character that I am hooked to. I really like how she's offering herself as a listening ear to Mycroft. He really needs people to talk to sometimes, and especially someone that has common ground with him, no matter how great or small. A part of me hopes that she'll come back for more talking :D maybe she'll wiggle something out of him that Sherlock can't.
Great chapter and it's perfectly set up for what's to come next. Sorry if this review consisted of mostly rambling! See you later, dearest!
| GeorgyannWayson chapter 5 . 12/8/2014
Oh Lord, do I need something to help my mind cope after this insane round of final exam studying. Take it away, Eddy!
[he said not another word] I get what you're saying here, but I do think it's a little wordy and could be simplified. With that said, I'm not surprised that Mycroft is silent all the way to Baker Street. I bet his mind is just completely jumbled and doesn't know which way is up, poor man. Nice that Mrs Hudson is right there to greet and take care of him, even though she should be intimidated by him. Like the mother they never had ;)
[The sofa] Oh, Mycroft Holmes *shaking my head* Sherlock, talk some sense into your brother *waits* ah, that's better! :)
Oh, how I love the [ugh] that shows up in the narrative. My non-tea drinking self doesn't really know why he's cringing per se (difference between tea-making styles, I guess), but the characterization is just glowing right now and that's a sweeeeet spot to be, yessireebob.
[I will find him for you] Where is my fainting pillow?! *swoons* I'll admit, a part of me secretly loves BAMF!Sherlock (when it's appropriate, of course) and oh, boy, am I excited right now to see it.
Love the little [without permission] here with Mycroft looking at Sherlock's phone. And it's even funnier to me how Sherlock doesn't even protest. I always imagine that Mycroft would be the one to first get all uptight about Sherlock getting into his stuff and Sherlock's just like 'ohai just have a go at my stuff there'
Oh, boy, looks like that meeting with Dolan didn't go so hot. Granted, I'm glad that Mycroft held his ground (and I did squee a bit at the 'I always do' with getting his way), but I wonder if that was a wrong decision...let's see if this will come back to haunt him or not...
Holy crap, I do not like the sound of this ending, Eddy. Nonononononononono I think I know what's in that envelope and if it is what I think it is, that is just disturbing on many different levels. This hook of an ending is brilliantly unsettling; can't wait to see what happens next, my dear!
| Ann chapter 19 . 12/2/2014
Really enjoyed reading this and the way you tied it all together.
But - Nick Clegg, how dare they suggest such a thing? Yuck! Mycroft has standards!
| GeorgyannWayson chapter 4 . 11/16/2014
[No sooner had the explanation left his mouth] this right here...man, I love silent reading of needs. And even better that no one said anything about it. The man has just been through something traumatic and he needs a cig...and so does his bro, but let's just...yeah ;)
[...watched him do so. Wasn't walking...] minor point, but the second sentence from what I see might be considered incomplete and I think you could join it with the previous sentence with a semicolon...but eh, it's whatever.
LOL Lestrade taking puffs from Sherlock's cig XD and the narration's little snark with 'he wasn't traumatized enough'. Gosh, good stuff. You have a real talent for figuring out exactly when the narration needs to snark and be serious. A lot of writers can't pinpoint that perfect moment, but you my dear...! :)
[places like the Caribbean] totally true. The island where my parents are from (Trinidad), they are always saying Old Year's Night, you rarely hear people say New Year's Eve.
So I had to fight myself to stop reading and just go 'holy crap' at Lestrade's story. That's a horrible memory to have on your conscience, that poor man. I just want to reach through the screen and give him a hug. I understand his reservations and beliefs with handling this situation, and he's right to be that way *nods*
[kill Stephen] NOES YOU CAN'T EDDY...NOES!
[my brother is staying with me] O.o yessir! *salutes*
Oh, Molly, the ever patient and understanding wife *the love feelz* It's not like I expected her at the door ready to rail on him but I just couldn't help but go 'awwww' at her just wanting to reassure him that it was okay that he left, that she knows it was important to look after Mycroft and help however he could. This chapter was a perfect mix of feelz, humor and information and I can't wait to see what happens next my dear *huggle* see you around!
| GeorgyannWayson chapter 3 . 11/13/2014
(I swear, this time I will stick with this fic. Even if I have to tattoo it to my forehead to remember to do so :D)
I don't know if you've ever read the Garfield comics, but there was a statement that Garfield used called 'dream sequence' (I've never heard it anywhere else, which is why I'm just throwing this here) and at first, with this beautiful *almost* purple prose opening, I was like "dream sequence", but now I realize it isn't. You did an excellent job with putting me right there in the middle of this...memory. As if I was on a string, you just pulled me in with every single word that I read! What is this magic you have over me, Eddy?!
And wow, does my youthful naivete age shows with Oliver's speech. I'm just sitting here going "I have no idea what you're saying, but it sounds beautiful so please keep talking". I normally wouldn't address in a review when I don't understand what a character is saying, but in this case, it deserves special attention :) And that Mycroft is so entranced...it's actually...kind of...I can't think of a word that doesn't sound so juvenile, so I'll leave it up to your imagination :)
Oh, dis headcanon of yours with Mycroft Eddy...breaks my heart! You talk about my mad writing skillz and the feelz I pull, but I learned from the best, now didn't I? ;) but I like seeing that you gave Mycroft a history and a reason as to the absence of companionship in his life. I think sometimes people forget that there's a delicate balance to be achieved with Mycroft. He's not a complete Ice Man; he has a history and feelings, a heart and a soul beneath all of that British Governmentness *sigh* at any rate...
[dick-measuring competition] I almost choked on my popsicle XD
As a random thought, your Sherlock characterization rocks my socks off. All the snark, the sarcasm, the pride - it's beautiful *sniffles*
[I'm going to arrange to have you fired] my God, I have got to stop eating things when I read your fics, this was just too funny!
Gah, this ending builds up so much tension, a chainsaw couldn't cut through it. I'm just like "BUTBUTBUT!" I'm very excited to see what happens next. And by the way, your research notes are just too cool. Not only are you a great writer, but you do your homework. See you later, Eddy dearie! (And I'm really sorry if this review is just me rambling about stupid crap...)
| DjinniFires chapter 19 . 11/12/2014
Whoah. What a stoic, noble, tragic ending for Mycroft. In real life, MI6 personnel no doubt have personal lives and relationships without fear of reprisals (and I've read that criminals rarely hold law enforcement personally responsible for their legal problems except, perhaps, for undercover agents whom they trusted then discovered were lying to them). In both ACD and BBC canon, though, Mycroft's government position is mysteriously above, more important than, and more shrouded in mystery than the average operative's, so his personal sacrifice works here. Poor Stephen is the damsel in distress even though he makes an effort to remind Mycroft that he joined MI6 knowing it could be dangerous. The last line is so sad!
| DjinniFires chapter 18 . 11/12/2014
Very apt title for this chapter and an interesting change-up in structure to have such very short scenes.
Apt that after having had an adventure in the fog, Sherlock's mind is still in a fog and John is the one coming through, offering help. Using the snippets of Sherlock's consciousness and the gaps when he loses it to present the aftermath is a really great choice. Personally, I'm not one of those who starts talking when the heroes are saved and lose their coming to terms and returning to normal moments- -but a lot of people do. This format keeps the reader involved.
So sad that Sherlock's mind returns to Mycroft's outburst when he fell off the boat! I hope Mycroft gets to assure him he didn't spoil anything.
Mycroft! Kicking John out, calling Sherlock an "unutterably stupid child!" and then apologizing- -love how you get across just how emotionally messed up this experience has made him. Then finally saying he cares more about Sherlock than he ever will about anyone else- -including Stephen- -is powerful.
Regarding Doherty, I think the omniscient pov could have kept what happened to him until later when Sherlock could register the information, but I got a smile out of the fact his safety was considered compromised if at the same hospital as Sherlock "even with a police presence at his bedside." More likely, policeman Lestrade would be the one compromising it and Donovan the one who spoke up suggesting Doherty should be somewhere else. The pragmatic conversation she has with Lestrade later about reporting or not reporting him gets the issue nicely out of the way.
Sherlock's scene with John gives him the chance for the banter we all enjoy so much. [He may have been almost entirely immobilised just then and barely able to talk, but when Sherlock was able to huff and roll his eyes, he was on the mend.] I really love that it's John who, when Sherlock comes up with a defeatist statement about having to be looked after for 12 weeks (by Mycroft), brings his mind back to one of his interests: training himself to be better than an ordinary man by focusing on his non-broken arm to become cross-dominant. That's a friend who knows him well.
Ooo. Not sure what hard decision Mycroft has to make that John raised at the end. I suspect their discussion about how they can't walk away from Sherlock and his danger vaguely relates how Mycroft, the one who placed Stephen in danger, should walk away from him.
| DjinniFires chapter 17 . 11/12/2014
Super-duper love it that despite all the players rushing around, trying to find and rescue Sherlock, he succeeds in rescuing himself. The whole plan is nicely woven together. John does provide a little help, after all, because it's Sherlock's remembering his exasperated comment about Sherlock needing empathy once in a while that inspires him to use his interview with Eliza (I remember it! Didn't guess it'd be central to the rescue) to stop Doherty's anger, to get Doherty's guard down, to get him to bring out the phone (which, after all, is not what gets him rescued). The description of how injured Sherlock still manages to fight and get the better of Doherty is believable.
The switch to a new point-of-view lulls the reader away from Sherlock. Loved it when Sherlock manages to come careening in the van to the roadblock. Poor Stephen! But "near death" is not dead. Against all odds, Sherlock manages to repay his brother for his repeated help by saving his lover.
Great last line for the chapter: [ tilted his head back against the van and nodded, then finally allowed himself to pass out.]
| DjinniFires chapter 16 . 11/11/2014
All the ironies... enemy Doherty calls Sherlock "Sunshine" like Lestrade, his good friend, sometimes does. The interlude between plans and the confrontation in the fog a few chapters back took place close to where he is now, but he didn't know Stephen was nearby and he missed his chance to rescue him. Doherty feels special enmity toward Donovan? Oi, I took too long a break reading; can't remember that detail from earlier chapters.
Basically, Sherlock's point-of-view is good throughout: very specific regarding harrowing physical details; poignant when feeling guilty and inferior for not involving Mycroft and getting into a mess (love the thought "The damsel in distress"); still a sharp observer, looking for details about Doherty and quickly analyzing whether they're important or not (starting with the observation that Doherty knows he won't come out of this situation alive, implying that he's even more dangerous); and his attempts to keep himself just this side of losing it altogether (even to the extent of giving himself a pep talk to concentrate on slowing his breathing because "I have control over that"); and the lovely, lovely BBC canon bit that Sherlock registers that "he had no idea in the world where his coat and scarf had gone" (that made me smile).
Ah, glad that the couple who heard the car fishtail are mentioned. I'd wondered for a moment in the previous chapter why we were briefly touching on them. Finding the scene of Sherlock falling out of the car adds a moment of hope that rescue is possible. Sad that John realizes he has no ideas to further the search.
This story really required a lot of orchestration, didn't it? I'm glad we get back to John (his and Molly's pov's are my favorites in your canon), but I appreciate the wider picture provided by all the viewpoints in these climactic chapters. I really, really like the little anecdote Sherlock remembers of arguing with John over fear and its physiologic effects. Remembering wisdom from John truly gets Sherlock on track to do his bit in his own rescue.
John's insight about Sherlock's phone (so prominent in BBC canon) and the possibility of using GPS is, on the one hand, so simple, but the reasons provided for why this just might work are really good, taking into account Doherty's time in prison, etc. The paragraph describing Sherlock's orgasmic aha moments is great.
| DjinniFires chapter 15 . 11/11/2014
The disjointed effect works well for both of the sets of alternating scenes: for what's happening with John and the police in the fog [ , his incapacitated quarry face-first in the dirt beside him, heard John before he abruptly materialised out of the fog.] and for what's happening with Sherlock trying to perceive what's happening around him while dealing with his pain [He heard the cry that followed, without understanding that he had been the one who had made it].
Donovan really shines in this chapter- -both her stoicism when John finds her shot but able to report on Sherlock's abduction, and her reactions to seeing Lestrade beating up a suspect in an attempt to interrogate him. I like how you've expanded her in your canon, starting with her very astute realization that about Sherlock having substituted someone else's corpse... (Donovan remembers Lestrade having talked darkly about not letting suspects live?!) In the show, we mostly remember her as being resentful and petty about Sherlock. You've given her a nice sense of what's proper police behavior and what isn't. It's also nice that when Lestrade still hasn't quite got hold of himself, she's the one able to give the layout of the stationed road blocks to John (despite dealing with a bullet-grazed ear).
Nice that Sherlock is imprisoned in the same room with (poor naked) Stephen. The stage is becoming smaller as the story reaches its climax. The call back to your earlier story of Sherlock's near-death experience with appendicitis works well. That circumstance was difficult; the one he's facing now is even worse. The stakes he faces in the next chapter are nicely detailed at the end: [Here was only inky blackness and pitiless cold and a seriously ill man slumped beside him in the corner, as silent as a grave. And Sherlock knew it as well as he knew his own name: if he let the pain in his arm overwhelm him and send him stupid, they were both going to die.]
| DjinniFires chapter 14 . 11/11/2014
I like the fact Sherlock arrived in Norwich, meta though that point is to your story. ;D
You've really created wonderful head canon for me with your exploration of Sherlock's and Mycroft's relationship- -even more relevant when little brother helping big brother is the focus of this story. The memory in this chapter is quite poignant (with reference to the missing father). I'll just quote because this is so lovely: [Sherlock had been every day of twenty before he was able to ease the stinger out of that memory - the notion that if he had drowned, all Mycroft or Mummy would have cared about was their ruined their holiday. And it was a full decade longer before he'd fully realised that, even in that moment of anger, Mycroft hadn't given a damn about the holiday.]
Another side note: paying attention to Sherlock's physical need to eat really adds to the story. It both grounds it in reality (same effect thinking about these details has on any story) and it brings in canon, too.
Nice beginning to the important what's-happening-in-the-fog confrontation: ['Sherlock flicked the light on his wristwatch briefly as he fumbled at the church gate and passed through, the creak and clank echoing out into the darkness as a challenge: I am here.] This detail is quietly ominous: "Sherlock knew both men by their photographs. But Paul Doherty's had been four years old and Brian Merchant's even older, and neither really spoke to each man's physicality." And this is smart, showing Sherlock's emotions and brains at the same time: ["You really should check these things," he said, trying to modulate enough disdain to annoy Doherty but not enough to get himself shot.]
The physical confrontation at the end is well-described, Sherlock breaking bones and blacking out.
Nit: Is "it" extraneous or is a word missing? Scene 1, paragraph 4: [Sherlock had an idea that he had innocently asked it:]
| GeorgyannWayson chapter 2 . 11/5/2014
Hi Eddy m'dear! It's been awhile since I've been around to this fic, but I'm excited to be back!
Love how Sherlock's passively in charge of the situation with Mycroft here. As I've written more about the brothers, I realize more and more just how much they care a great deal about one another and I find it a great time to explore this relationship. They're so involved in each other's lives and it's almost like there's a synergy that exists between them because of it - each one on their own is great, but together, they're a force to be reckoned with. And also, may I just say that it's great to see that baby brother is taking care of big brother here? Warms me heart strings, I don't see that a lot these days.
...I am so sorry for my senseless rambling. Moving on now!
LOL with John and his "I'm not patronizing you". Can totally see Mycroft getting hella annoyed on the other end of the line with all the silly questions :)
Oh, the sarcasm of the narrative here with [...complete and utter disregard for safety while on a case...]. I couldn't help but say to myself out loud "yep, that's our dear Sherlock boy!"
[Might be nothing] in other words, it's a clue or something that's important to what's going on.
Love how the dialogue tags disappear in that short intense argument between Sherlock and Lestrade. It really works to heighten the tension and mood of the moment. Sherlock, hop to it, sir! We -or should I say you- must hurry!
[mentally checked out] O_O I never thought I would see the day that this would actually happen. And whoooooooa with that message. Just...whoa. I am officially creeped out and I want answers to what's going on- oh, like NOW.
It is very apparent just how much Mycroft depends on Sherlock here with [Tell Sherlock that Stephen is missing]. Even as the government, he would still look first to his little brother than anyone else. Though this story is chilling so far, this point is just oh so...sobering in its own way.
And I swear that this chapter is where I was like "I must read more" because I'm getting that feeling all over again. One thing that pulled me into this story was the potential to explore an emotional side to Mycroft that is I won't say rarely seen in canon, but it's not very apparent to a passing viewer I don't think. At the time I first read this, I wasn't as deep into this series as I am now, so it'll be interesting to see what I think about it now!
Great chapter, my love! See you later!