|Reviews for The Luckiest|
| Megalink1126 chapter 1 . 9/18/2013
Hiya! Mega here from The Reviews Lounge, Too forum, complete with a review for your post in our Request a Review thread. :D
Now before I begin, I probably should point out that I know very little about the Sherlock TV show. Like, I know some basic, basic things, but I've never seen it, so if I say something completely stupid, feel free to ignore it. xD
First off, I love your first few opening lines. Those were very, very nicely done. The whole concept of focusing on the emotion of fear, setting up the scene of Sherlock desperately running through the building looking for his friend just drew me right into the fic pretty much immediately. It was a great tone setter, and one that made me want to keep reading to figure out what the heck was going on.
With that being said, I thought you took a bit of a step back with your flashback/past section. Unlike the first part, you didn't really set the scene at all and sort of just jumped right on into it immediately with the dialogue between John, Sherlock, and Lestrade with John taking off to go do his thing. Of course, it pretty much does matter much where they were in the grand scheme of things, but it would have been nice to get a bit more description about things just to paint a nice picture in my head like in the opening scene.
Then there was a bit of pacing things that I thought were a bit rushed here or there. Take, for example, the cab part. John hails a cab. Shifts in the backseat. Hopes he'll find Decker quick. And then bam! Here's right there at the university in the very next paragraph with only a few basic sentences in between. It just sort of caught me off guard and made me do a double-take when I was first reading it, since it happened so fast.
Skipping a bit around here, I was very impressed with the way you presented the characters. Decker seemed very complex and very interesting in his brief little part, and I think you did a good job getting him across to the reader. Sherlock and John were also presented very nicely as well, what with Sherlock's panic and John's fear coming across clearly.
For some concrit, I would say you might want to watch some of your dialogue tags at times, since I found some of them sort of unnecessary or repetitive in how they were presented. Take, for example, the beginning of the little flashback/past section. You got four straight lines of dialogue followed by a speech tag, then a paragraph of just dialogue, and then another dialogue tag in the very next paragraph you really didn't need with the "he said". There were a few other points in there where I saw the same sort of thing as well, so that might be something you may want to take a look at in the future.
Also, while I'm not /that/ familiar with the characters, I felt like you could have done a bit of a better job getting Sherlock's analytical side out. Like, I'm pretty sure in the TV show he's the same super detective that places all the clues together to solve mysteries and stuff, right? I just sort of felt that there really wasn't any of that side of him presented in this story, which sort of left his character a bit lacking for me. Granted, I know he was full of fear and concern, but you still could have made him do something, like, run a bunch of scenarios or possibilities of things in his mind or something. I dunno. There's probably a good chance I just don't know what the heck I'm talking about and should shut up now, so take all that with a bit of a grain of salt. Or a handful of salt. Or something.
Finally, I think your little concluding scene was fairly well done. You did a very good job getting the emotions of the characters across in a close, brotherly sort of fashion while also hitting all your points for the story right on their heads. It really wrapped everything up nicely, and overall I was fairly satisfied with the way it ended.
Overall, I thought it was a nice little fic. There were definitely some things you did really well, like your opening scene and presenting the characters and their emotions, but I also thought there were some things that you could have improved upon (those dialogue tags at times, and some of the pacing in places for example) that would have made this story even better. Still, good job with this one, and I enjoyed getting a chance to read it. :)
| jaredpaderlecki chapter 1 . 9/2/2013
AWESOME! BRILLIANT! FANTASTIC! Ohhh god yes I love a bit of hurt!John :D
You wrote this really well, the dialogue was great - definitely in character for them all! The only thing I would say is that you've got a really good opportunity more in depth descriptions; take for example, the first dialogue between Sherlock, John and Lestrade - you could definitely add some description of the surrounding area - are they in Lestrade's office or just the reception area of Scotland Yard? Mentioning Scotland Yard would also be a good plan, it sets the scene so the reader knows where they are and can visualise it clearly. Other than adding in some more depth (and maybe a little more backstory about Decker and Alistair - although oneshot's don't always need to have so much depth really), this is a brilliant fic! Keep up the great work! (Ihopetoseemorehurt!johnfromyouinthefutureahemwhat ) ;)