|Reviews for Power, Wisdom, Courage|
| Old Uncle Johnny Pilgrim chapter 1 . 8/7/2009
I mean, just wow. Here I am, thinking you couldn't possibly wreck Captain N more than you already have, and here it is: the sucky end of a sucky parody of an 80s cartoon.
The first problem, right off the bat, is that apparently paragraphs don't exist, or you don't believe in using them. All the sentence are jammed together in a literary ten-car pileup, especially near the beginning. For the love of refried beans and cheddar cheese, learn to INDENT someday. Almost all of your fanfics are written like this. It kills the interest of the reader. They see a huge blob of endless text and think, "ahh, I'm just gonna skip ahead here a bit." They won't be made to care if they don't see paragraphs.
Another problem is adding unnecessary details (Seriously, we don't need to know which hand Zelda offered Lana. It's like writing ten pages to describe opening a door) while at the same time not providing enough detail or embellishment in important character actions, like speaking. You need to remember as a writer that every scene you write is like making a painting: you need to compose it like a song, you need to make it engaging. But you don't. You just take a bunch of short, undetailed, colorless sentences, string 'em together, add in unnecessary detail here and there, and hope to God no one notices what you're doing.
And where are the other N Teamsters? I mean, from the show? Kid Icarus, Megaman, and Simon Belmont? If this is the last part of your story, where everything comes away, at least give every important character one last thing to say. You only give us a scene between Lana and Zelda, and even then you botch it up. Why doesn't Kevin react to the news that the world is ending with his usual cowboy attitude? Why doesn't he even propose trying to top the world from ending? In fact, why isn't he even given much to say at all? He's the MAIN CHARACTER FROM THE SHOW, and you can't even respect who he is. I mean, I know that the two worlds are going to collide and become one or some crap, but but still, he can't be totaly cool with that can he?
And finally, the lesbianism. If this is your best attempt at making a romance, you're doing it all wrong. The romance between Kevin and Lana was pretty much obvious in the show, so why just make it stronger here? The lesbianism between Lana and Zelda is unjustified, uncalled for, unnecessary to the plot, and totally disrespectful of both characters involved. You are not a fan. If you were, you would loved these two characters for who they are instead of changing them into what you wanted them to be. (And that goes for characters who were originally gay, too! Love 'em or hate 'em, this is who they are.)
Oh, and the kissing descriptions are about the most uninspired and unerotic things I've EVER read... topped only by all the other lesbian scenes you've put in thus far. Apparently, mildly gross is about the least offensive you can manage, so I won't beg for anything further.
One last thing. Knock it off with the song lyrics. I mean it.
| Crystalstorm chapter 1 . 2/23/2003
Good story.I enjoyed reading .
| Alan Wilkinson chapter 1 . 9/14/2002
MAJOR Unneccessary Whitespace Alert! Good story, though.