|Reviews for The Rise of A Warlord|
| drake with out chapter 3 . 3/7/2014
The Mustelidae are a family of carnivorous mammals, including the otters, badgers, weasels, martens, minks and wolverines. Mustelids are diverse and the largest family in the order Carnivora
so what is he?
| Lustig Morder chapter 3 . 3/6/2014
Jesus, you update about as slowly as I do. Anyway, nice job. I really wanted to kick some of those kids. I don't even know why, I just really hate kids that say momma. Either you say mom, mother, or mommy if you're under the age of three. Momma just sounds weird.
No offense to those who say it, I just want to kick you is all...
Beside the point. Keep updating man. Also... one thing that always confused me, who are the gods? Are there redwall gods? I mean, I imagine that one of them looks like a balding British man with a French name, but the others?
| Kegs and Lustig chapter 3 . 3/5/2014
Review granted... though what was with that dead fox and stoat? -_-
Anyway, I enjoy the chapter, you set up a great character in a short amount of time. I ddn't catch any sort of spelling mistakes... ALSO YAYS VREL! I'm only going to comment on this cameo as a character, and not the fanfiction buddy we all know and luv.
Sorry I didn't login to give this review, I already gave a review for your first third chapter... your first chapter that was chapter three... you know what I mean
| drake with out chapter 2 . 3/5/2014
please up date this. it's good
| Thomas the Traveler chapter 4 . 9/27/2013
Okay, a lot to comment on here. While I'm not surprised you're using swearing in this story, considering your other works, it still is a bit disappointing. I would like to point out that, save for a couple, your swears of choice were modern day, and would therefore not be in use back then. The one exception would be Mrs. Stripeclaws constant 'hell' swear, but even this needs improvement, as, in the Redwall world, she would probably be saying 'hellsgaits'. However, I personally would have preferred that there had been no swearing.
Shadrak? Technically that is the name of a historical figure of the book of Daniel, but I seriously doubt that's what you meant, considering the context. What exactly were its origins?
On the Stripeclaws, I know that badgers and wolverines can technically mate, but you're cutting it close here.
So, a good chapter as far a storyline and formatting go, but quite a bit of side content that almost make me want to stop reading. Still, I made it through, and I'll await your next chapter, though not quite with the same enthusiasm as before. Good morning!
| Yemi Hikari chapter 4 . 9/27/2013
It took me awhile to figure out what was bothering me about your writing. I think you honestly over use pronouns which in turn can make it hard to empathize with the characters. Try referring to the characters by either their names or titles that help distinguish them from the other characters as individuals. Second, look into a beta to help you with your grammar issues. In the second to last paragraph on the fourth chapter it should be “wear” instead of “where”. Working with a beta believe it or not can actually help you to learn to catch these things on your own.
Otherwise not-my-cup-of-tea, but not a bad story either. Rather good for someone who seems to have only been writing for a year as well.
| Freya Thorine chapter 3 . 9/25/2013
Well, this is turning into quite the interesting tale! I'm intrigued and can't wait to see where this is going...
Only thing I found amiss is...
[His gaze went from the pup to his wife as she looked into his eyes, and he felt his cold fear and sorrow melt away as she looked at him with her big blue eyes of hers]- too many 'her(s)' in the latter portion of the sentence.
Other than that, its better solid without many major SPAGs... hmmmm... I suppose the only other thing I could comment on is that perhaps your chapters could be a little bit longer if only to lend to more character development and/or world building...
Sorry this review is kinda short- I'll write a better one on the next chapter. Consider it a motivational ploy to get you to write more- Muwhahahaha (evil laugh)!
Cheers and sharp quills,
| Thomas the Traveler chapter 3 . 9/25/2013
I would have preferred the other one. Oh well. So, the nightmare doesn't really add to the story, making the ending the only really important part. But that may be enough. There are a few things I can guess at by the information given, but nothing solid, so I'll wait and see. Good morning!
| Nashog chapter 3 . 9/24/2013
Nice nightmare Ferret. Oh and you can make him having no clothes at the moment into a very amusing scene.
| kegusaran 14 chapter 3 . 9/24/2013
The critic in me is pleased again. The dream sequence was nice. It was well paced... however :( I do have a little nitpick. I just... I don't know. I could see this maybe being used later, because right now it just seems like, we're starting this new quest to go find whatshisname
Lustig: You mean Raftan J Whip?
Me: Riiiiiiight. Anyway, it just seems like we started this huge quest, but then we immediately go right back to the dead family. I don't know, I just think that could've been used later, maybe.
Lustig: Meh. I didn't see a problem with it. I thought it was well done, and the eotion is still good.
Kegs: Don't get me wrong, I think you're doing a phenomenal job, but it just seems like your still banking on the dead wife and child... I don't know. Like I said, it's just a little nitpick coming from me. Don't take it as a flaw in your story, because it isn't.
Lustig: Alright, quit rambling. Good job Ferret, we expect another good chapter soon... or maybe another chapter of abridged...
| Lord Vrel chapter 3 . 9/24/2013
I got the shivers. O.o
| The Bonecrusher Hyena chapter 3 . 9/24/2013
| Thomas the Trave chapter 2 . 9/19/2013
There have definitely been some additions, and they do add to the story somewhat. So, I guess the update is alright, but I'm really anxious to see more of the story up. Good morning!
| Thomas the Traveler chapter 2 . 9/8/2013
I think the only new information here is that he intends to get some help. But the detail is very good, so I don't mind the length. Good morning!
| Quaver Ava chapter 2 . 9/6/2013
Well Ferret, the best I can really say is the chapter was too short and you needed more to it. When I was helping you I didn't expect you to post it that day, nor did I expect it to stay so short. But we gotta live and learn. Anyways, outside of that realm and with quick paced stories in mind, this chapter would be acceptable. But you're not looking for a quick paced story bud, you're looking for something that would go along some of the epics. ;)
Aim high man, you got the capability and potential, it's just a little hard right now. But you're quickly getting there.
What I would suggest is actually rewriting the chapter and flushing it out at least three times it size. This is my personal opinion and request. I'm also a really big hypocrite when saying this, because I don't care that much for my fanfics anyways. I'm more focused on my original stuff being a masterpeice and all... But this is something you wanna be proud about, so you gotta put a lot of extra spirit into it as well.
Now, about the chapter itself... Great beginning, draws us back into the story. Thumps up on there.
Mmm, Martin, eh? I've never really liked how some people make him out to be Jesus and stuff. he's not Jesus or Mosses, he was a freaking warrior who became what you might consider a saint at the most. Good guy, maybe a guardian of some kind in the afterlife. Perhaps the guardian over that whole region? But not much of a Jesus figure. But I guess you could inerpret a prayer to him and the fates as a request for him as a guardian to help the family. Religion in the Redwallverse is such a loose thing to try and work with it's hard to define at times. But I liked that he prayed anyways.
The memories flooding through his mind might be a good moment for a quick flashback.
It goes from "just when they were getting settled" to oh look it there, a note! Mmm, a paragraphs or more here of emotion or something to bridge these two points might help.
Finally the last bit seemed to run a bit smooth, but still far too short and quick for any serious emotion. The first chapter had the benefit of shock and bam, but this one lacks it, thus you need to keep our attentention with emotion and information that'll make the story move forward. The things you've given us came in little snidbit sentences here and there and seems more broken up. All I can say is flush it out some more I guess.
Now, take my critique with a grain of salt because if you look at any of my stories I tend to throw aside all of those thoughts and just do what I want to do. Its your story, so you make the rules and you say what goes and what doesn't. Don't listen to a hypocrite to much. ;)
So in essence, I'm a fan who's demanding for more. I'm also a pushy and bossy one as well wanting more. I like this story so far and where it's going. :P