Reviews for The major, The Captain, and The Beauty!
asia.joanna.7334 chapter 9 . 2/17/2015
OMG :) I love it soooooo much that story! It story is Great ! I look forward to the next one and begs add it quickly because I'm so curious how it all unfolds further ? ! :Pleaaaaasssseeeee continue shortly lovely!
I Can't wait for more!
Babysis64 chapter 9 . 1/21/2015
I can't wait until all of this is updated, this is a very good story just wow. You did a good job with this story. Thankyou for sharing this with us.
tammy henson chapter 8 . 11/17/2014
please update soon
jeangary28 chapter 1 . 11/16/2014
Awesome twist and start
Erulastiel-Ithilwen chapter 6 . 11/16/2014
That a/n not good, you are an author, you don't get to be 'too lazy' besides this isn't New Moon, this is an entirely different scene which you need to describe. 'Their' not 'there'. Volturi is a name therefore it is a noun and needs to have a capitol 'V' and I think you mean 'cloak' not 'clock'.
Erulastiel-Ithilwen chapter 5 . 11/16/2014
Unfortunately changing the dead doesn't work either, if the heart isn't pumping then the blood isn't moving and the venom wont circulate. If this is something you want to change then you really need to go into more detail. Also you can't run from Forks, Washington to Volterra, Italy. Going straight to the clock tower wouldn't work either, Bella has no idea about the location of the Volutri within the city. Describing how she followed the sent of something obviously not human to the Volturi reception would make more sense. Otherwise again you'd have to go into more detail on how Bella knew exactly where to go.
Your last paragraph (if you can call it that) in this chapter doesn't make any sense. Expanding on those thoughts would be highly beneficial so readers aren't totally lost.
Erulastiel-Ithilwen chapter 3 . 11/16/2014
Highlights one word not two. Also I have a question with this scene, in your last chapter you have shown that Bella can picture what she wants and it will change to be like that. Why pay $70 for someone to potentially mess up your hair when you can picture exactly what you want and have it that way for free? No real chance of being unhappy with the product that way.
Erulastiel-Ithilwen chapter 2 . 11/16/2014
Only include flashbacks if it adds to the story. As you flashback is only what happened in chapter one, most readers would have already read it, so therefore your flashback actually detracts from the story. Some extra description of thoughts feelings would have done this chapter a world of good, and again grammar needs work. There are some sentences that have missing words or in general don't make sense. At this point I think maybe a Beta reader will be beneficial for you.
Erulastiel-Ithilwen chapter 1 . 11/16/2014
Alrighty chapter 1: Take your authors not out of the story and put it with your disclaimer or something, it detracts from your story and makes you sound like a really lazy author. Over use of quotation marks, there are different ways to express different things. Quotation marks would be a good thing to keep to just speech, with noises you can use italics, *...*, or '...'. With thoughts you can use Italics or '...' just make sure you keep everything consistent.
Grammar needs work, for example you should be using the word 'here' not 'hear' and 'mate is' or 'mate's' not 'mates'. There are some more but I think you get the gist of what I'm trying to say.
Even though chapter 1 is short, the summary has me interested so I will be continuing and reviewing :)
Keep writing, keep improving
Tee Hill chapter 5 . 7/14/2014
great chapter :-))))))))))))))))))
jassmine chapter 8 . 7/13/2014
I love this story! it is the best!
killer4853 chapter 4 . 7/13/2014
acetwolf94 chapter 8 . 7/13/2014
Guest chapter 7 . 4/12/2014
Well shit
acetwolf94 chapter 7 . 2/24/2014
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