|Reviews for GI Joe : New Beginnings|
| 6700AD chapter 2 . 9/15/2013
"Huge fan of G.I Joe , mostly the couple of Snake Eyes and Scarlett, when I first watched the movie"
I see the problem now... your more familiar with there movie counterparts and not there comic book (Marvel/IDW) characters and that's a real problem. The film didn't come close to there characters at all... you should really read the GI Joe comic book by Larry Hama.
| 6700AD chapter 1 . 9/15/2013
"Scarlett looked down at her wedding ring, in her heart she knew that he would accept being a Father, but this soon? What if he was upset with her for not being able to tell him? The questions kept piling up inside her , trapping themselves in her brain."
What? That's not Scarlett... she tougher than that, she knows that she has nothing to worry about, she knows Snake Eyes inside and out
| Wolf of the Western Woods chapter 2 . 8/30/2013
Ok, again, great scene setting. And just one more thing on the last chapter, I did read that she was on maternity leave fro G.I. Joe after I made the comment but it needed to be explained before she did something that would require military training, not as an afterthought.
"Remaining completely unmoved from his squatting position" would probably be better put as "He stay perfectly motionless in a squatting position," seeing as there's nothing there to move him. Could phrase "being slashed with a powerful strength" a little differently too.
Commas. Please review them.
"The only hair noticeable on his face was a small soul patch below the middle of his lower lip, his seemed to have been shaved his head the night before." The ninja notices the dwarf's facial hair? I know, he's a ninja, he sees everything, but how does he know and why would he care that the guy's head was shaved the night before? Again, storytelling perspective. When looking trough the ninja's eyes, you can only describe what would be important to the ninja in terms that the ninja would use. Otherwise it confuses the perspective.
When the ninja describes the other man with the dwarf (because you're working this chapter from his angle, so you should think of it as his inner monologue describing the others) the first thing he noticed was the different race. Then the next sentence jumps to similarities without explaining that it's doing that, which confuses the reading slightly. Also, the word noggin just doesn't sound right coming from a ninja.
Ok, more grammar homework for you. Dialogue should be written like this:
Raul, sensing something wasn't right, kept his eyes on the branch where the ninja was located.
"Thomas, I think someone's followed us here," he said.
Thomas looked back at his partner with a questioning look.
"Who would be crazy enough to follow us into the rainforest in the middle of the night?" he asked incredulously.
Each dialogue line should be separate from the prose, with only brief descriptors attached to clarify who is speaking. This would make your writing come off as much more professional, not to mention make it easier to understand.
"Anastasia laughed at what Raul had said to her, "You're a little cocky for a thief, but that's all part of good business," her smile became wider she placed a gas mask over her face, snapping her fingers over her head. Which is what the Ninja had been waiting for all night for, the signal to attack. Jumping down from the tree branches, the ninja pulled out a smoke bomb casting it down in between the men, causing them to lose sight of what was happening. The Ninja took advantage over their blindness, knocking them on conscience from behind with the end of his silver swords, and drop kicking them to the ground."
Ok, so what did Raul say that was cocky? He said he'd checked and double check that they had everything, then offered to let her check again. That's careful, not cocky. Also, the way you describe her putting the gas mask over her face and snapping her fingers, it seems like these two capable guy could probably start running before the smoke grenade hit. It seems too slow is what I'm saying. try reversing the actions, her snapping her fingers and putting on the gas mask at the last second before the grenade goes off. That way it seems more believable that they wouldn't have a chance to fight. The last sentence needs a lot of work. "The ninja took advantage of their blindness," and "knocking them unconscious with the handles of his silver swords" would be better ways to phrase those ideas. The last phrase is just funny when you think strictly by what you said. He drop kicked them to the ground? So he lifted these two guys, tossed them in the air, and the straight-leg kicked them as they fell, all while they were already unconscious? Youtube, what a dropkick looks like, you'll see why this doesn't work. And the ninja didn't need to kick them down anyway, they were already out! Ninjas are warriors, they don't waste energy.
Ok, wait, white ninja? You mean he's been wearing a white outfit this whole time or that he's Caucasian? Again, assume we know nothing (because I really don't know Jack). Work on the natural movement of the dialogue, and try to get the point across that she is intimidated by him in a different way than cowering in fear. She can sit and stare for a little while, but she doesn't seem like the kind to cower. Then again, I don't know these characters, so maybe she is. You just represented her as a manipulator and femme fatal, someone who used her charms to give her the upper hand. That kind of character has to have a lot of confidence in those charms and in he ability to back them up if they don't work for her. She might be afraid of the ninja, but she wouldn't "lay there afraid to move or speak."
Is Tommy the ninja's name? Ok...is Anna the Baroness's name? I thought it was Anastasia? And where are all the first names coming from? A moment ago she was terrified of him ad he wanted her to be terrified of him. Why is she staring into his dark brown eyes now? If this is a villain romance, it need to be a little more fleshed out. Again, this chapter was relatively short. You have time, why don't you introduce the dynamic between these two?
Oh, and I don't think I need to explain why waiting until she could no longer see him wouldn't prove he was really gone. He's a ninja. And a freaking awesome one, too, if he can disappear in a bright white outfit.
Again, I'd say to work grammar, sentence structure, and character development and motivation. Try LARPing your characters, even if you have o do it by yourself. Putting yourself in their shoes and speaking as them will help to make the dialogue a little more natural. Read everything out loud, and if it doesn't read smoothly, fix it.
Thank you for asking my input, again I'm flattered. I'll keep reviewing, but if you wanted to do a revise on these two chapters, tell me and I'll review it too. I would personally recommend revising this, as there are a lot of improvements that could be made and I want to see you reach your full potential. You have a great base and the story is easy to follow so far, short as it has been. It will be really exciting to see it brought to its full potential as well.
| Wolf of the Western Woods chapter 1 . 8/30/2013
Ok, so I'm going to review as I go, that way I won't miss anything. It's a fairly good start, I can picture the image of her in the rocking chair on the front porch drinking coffee. Something I would do differently, though, is change up the sentence structures just a little. You use the same sentence structure with different words for most of the paragraph, and it reads a little monotonously.
Ok, so we get the idea with the pregnant mother nervous about what daddy will think. But if she lost contact with her husband before she knew she as pregnant, why would he be mad at her for not being able to tell him?
Also, I think you need to do a little grammar review on the use of commas. Usually it's the typical mistakes, but some sentences like, "Her thoughts became interrupted, when a black Daimler Chrysler 300, pulled into her paved drive way," don't need commas at all, and the overuse is distracting from the story.
"Scarlett resumed to sip her coffee, raising her head to peer in the vehicles direction. Her hazel eyes watched as two men stepped out of the car, making their way toward her cabin. The man in the passenger side was six-foot 'one, twenty-nine years of age, his skin was tan, and he had short dark-brown hair. The driver, was Caucasian, heavier set , age range around thirty-eight, seven-foot , and bald."
This needs work. First, resumed sipping her coffee might be a better expression. Also, she's sitting on the porch when these guys drive up to her house, but she doesn't make a move to greet them or stand up even? I admittedly don't know the character very well or her personality in canon, But I'm going to read a little on tvtropes abut this later to see if can be a better help with characterization problems. Finally, she knows exactly how old, how tall, and how much these guys weigh just by looking at them? I don't know, again, maybe she has military training to do that stuff that I don't now about. But if she does, that needs to be more explained to be believable. This is a fairly short chapter and she was thinking about her absent military husband. If she had a military past, there's time to bring it up and it would fit into her thought pattern. And if she doesn't have military training, you have to remember that the character descriptions you give when writing to chapter from her perspective are through her eyes. So if she wouldn't be able to immediately say "That guy is six feet tall and 200 Lbs" just by looking at someone, you need to be just a little bit less specific. You can still describe them as tall and muscular, with the details about the hair and skin color, just maybe not the exact measurements.
She feels defensive after this. Why? Do they intimidate her? Has she had a bad experience at some point that would lead her to distrust strange visitors? If I happened in he movie, make sure at least to make a reference to her. The best thing to do as a fanfiction writer is to assume that nobody knows anything about your fandom. In a way, I'm the perfect person to review this, because I don't have any idea who these people are. Your writing should me us feel like we know the characters and tie in with the movie, so if something happened in the movie that readers should know about to understand something, refer to it. Again, assume everyone knows nothing about what you write.
Ok, so big scary guys weren't there to be scary. I think they would realize that they were potentially scary and try to act more friendly. They definitely wouldn't threaten the already on edge pregnant lady.
Also, I would read through the entire chapter out loud. If something doesn't sound like the way you would say it, it probably isn't very natural dialogue. Phrases like, "Is there anything that you can give me to trust you?" and "that's classified information, please come with us or we will take action into our own hands." need work. In fact, the later could be separated into two sentences to read a little easier. And it's the threatening sentence from before.
Overall, I think you're doing alright. It's a good sign that you want help, and I'm going to review every chapter that you have up so far. To be clear, I do not mean to insult by any comments I leave. I think you get that, as you've seen the comments I left for others, but when doing this kind of review I like to be certain everyone knows it's not out of enmity. You need to work on grammar, sentence structure, and character motivation clarity most of all, but you have a good foundation of description and awareness of the environment. Alright, on to the next chapter!
| Guest chapter 2 . 8/30/2013
Ooh, it's shaping up to be an AWESOME story :D I'm looking forward to your next update!
| jeessica chapter 1 . 8/24/2013
| SonomaCurtis chapter 1 . 8/24/2013
I liked it, and the cliffhanger was well placed. However, i am not very familiar with the GI Joe plot, so do these people (Snake Eyes, Roadblock) not have civilian names? If they do, you could have those close to them use their real names. As Wonder Woman would not call Superman 'Superman'. She would call him Clark. Please note that if this critique sounds rough and straightforward, i absolutely dont mean it to be rude. I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
| AA - MamaBirdCat chapter 1 . 8/23/2013
Interesting start.. I hope you continue.