|Reviews for One for the Many|
| MECHANICALCHEESE chapter 1 . 3/4
The premise of this story alone suggests that Shepard's mother just didn't give a damn. Go figure :-/
| sneaky breeze chapter 1 . 12/4/2013
Just when I thought I was done with looking for new ME fanfics I find this one very interesting. I hope you complete it and keep it fairly logical and good to read.
| OkamiPlayer chapter 2 . 11/12/2013
| Astol chapter 1 . 10/29/2013
the concept is really interesting! keep up the good work!
| MizDirected chapter 1 . 9/26/2013
First of all, it's nice to see a fic that takes a different angle than the usual. As someone who tends to start with canon and branch off, I appreciate someone willing to leap into the deep water. One of the most fun and most challenging things about writing is world creation, so I am interested to see how you develop turian culture. As you build it, just remember to keep it rooted in what we know about the race. That will save you some haters. It will not save you all of them, but some.
I have a few pieces of writing advice for you as you progress.
1) Stick to one Point of View. Even in third person, don't hop from one person's thoughts to another. Sit behind the eyes of one character and immerse us in the story through their POV. People often think that being able to show everyone's thoughts will help readers get into the story, but it actually does the opposite. We get so busy wondering and figuring out who we are seeing now that it pops us out of the story.
2) Stick to one tense. If you are telling the story in the past, stick to that tense. Make sure you don't have any sentences that pop into the present.
3) Was and were are the enemy. They are the sign of what we call "telling" rather than "showing". Telling is the narrator telling us the story. Showing is the characters acting it out for us. Was or were means that you are inserting yourself as the narrator. There is a law in physics that no two objects can inhabit the same space at the same time. The same goes for story telling. If the author steps into the story, it pushes the reader out. And of course, we want the reader all the way in, so that they can barely manage to find their way out for snacks and bathroom breaks. :)
Was and were are also a sign of passive story-telling. He was hit by a grenade: is passive because something is acting on him. The grenade hit him: Even without punching up the weak verb 'hit' its a more active sentence.
So yep, kill as many as you can. I try to keep them to 2 a page for my own work. We will always need them from time to time, but in large numbers, they weaken the writing.
4) This is just a FF thing: If you want more reviews, keep your chapter length to under 4000 words, but shorter is better. Most people keep theirs around 2500-3000 words. Mine tend to be long, but yeah, people will read and review a shorter piece before they face a long wall of text.
So, good start. I look forward to seeing where you go with it. Thanks so much for sharing, and welcome to Afterlife. :)
| swemanD47 chapter 4 . 9/8/2013
interesting, but there is one thing I wonder about, what use could Lisa be to Human-Turian relations.
I mean.. as far as the alliance is concerned she is a damn traitor and going of with the Turians like that should only ruin the relations even more.
| Matoro8759 chapter 1 . 9/7/2013
Interesting plot and story i think it could be better spelling wise but that's very minor.
A very unique AU that's for sure... Keep up the writing can't wait to see more!