|Reviews for To Melt a Warrior's Heart|
| pukeko10 chapter 1 . 2/3
hi! great story! I like how you pictured Vegeta's realtionship to Bar. She makes him soft and he falls for her charms but not in that annoying way writers tend to do; you know, Bra only has to flick her finger and Vegeta litteraly melts away, ugh...so thank you for not doing that! :P
In my opinion you overdid it a tad, with Vegeta's injuries and the pain he was in. He's a Saiyan after all with quick self-healing. But again the description of the injuries and the pain was really good. Which brings me to my next point! your writing skills are amazing, considering you're not a native speaker. I'm not a native speaker myself and write in english too but your vocabulary is so versatile :)
| Jane chapter 1 . 5/31/2014
Hey :) Just a little tip in regards to the idiots below me who left mean reviews just to be trouble making assholes. You CAN moderate reviews. If you go into your acct and select settings and then scroll down a bit, you'll see an option for moderating reviews. By selecting yes, it prevents guest reviews from going through right away for 36 hours, giving you a chance to 'approve them' or delete them. This will force cowards like the fake whim symphony down there (nice try jack ass, CU members ALWAYS log into their accts when leaving reviews) and that other jerk to actually sign in to review or say nothing at all.
Now, as for the fic, I thought it was well written and well enough in character given this is the more mellow version of Vegeta. Personally, I like the more mellow version better. So yeah, good job :)
| Osetto chapter 1 . 4/14/2014
I'll split this review into two parts, story and structure.
Story stuff: I actually enjoy it when something usually laden with action is given a little reprieve. Reading the summary and introduction, I was satisfied with how the story unfolded. I liked the detail you gave for the struggle and pain. The story depended on it, and you maintained enough of a focus on it that the severity came across well. Knowing a little about the characters involved, I loved the touches of pride that came through in the narrative. It's one thing to describe pain, it's another to describe unique reactions to it, something I think you handled well. The interaction between Vegeta and Bra were touching and providing a fitting contrast of softness to the 'sharp' recovery process.
There is a touch of excess wordiness in certain parts. For example: “…he found it hard to keep his mind from wondering whether his bones and muscles weren’t perhaps indeed being hammered to bits and pounded to pulp…” Here, you could omit either 'perhaps' or 'indeed' and I think the sentence would work just as well, if not possess a better flow.
“It had recovered well given the damage sustained when the saiyan had held off Assur’s final Hakai Chiru attack.” Here, you could use a comma between 'well' and 'given'.
"It was hurting and was somewhat stiff, but at least half-way functional and bearable to Vegeta.” Here, you could omit the second 'was'.
“Maybe he could, after all, identity the voices of the low but nonetheless incessant palaver next door. After all, the attribute of incessant gave him sufficiently of a clue as to who one of the participants ought be.” Here, unless intentional, the phrase 'after all' is used two sentences in a row, which can be somewhat distracting. Eliminating the one in the first sentence could improve cohesion between the two.
“the bandages running around the shoulder and arm down to just below the elbow and then wrapped around his chest and upper abdomen to keep the arm immobile along his body.” The description here is somewhat laborious and hard to get through. I'd suggest finding a slimmer way to describe it, perhaps using the word 'sling'.
“He leaned forward, prompting the elbow of his good arm against his knee for support.” Here, you should replace 'prompting' with 'propping'.
“His hand hovered ever so slightly over the wraps across his chest, avoiding touching the wounded spot.” This could be rewritten as "His hand hovered ever so slightly over the wraps across his chest to avoid touching the wounded spot." This way, you avoid using two verb-ing words in a row.
“He was grateful that whoever had dressed him, had preferred these shorts to those bizarre, undignifying gowns that the earthlings so fervently insisted on wearing in the hospital, or in this case in hospital-like environments.” Here, I'd suggest moving the commas around. Remove the one between 'him' and 'had', and add one between 'case' and 'in'.
“’Damn you, Kakarott!’ He thought, overwhelmed by the violent pangs ripping through his shoulder and arm.” Here, 'He' should be lowercase, as should all pronouns used in dialogue tags.
“”You hurt, daddy.” Bra said.” Here, the the period after 'daddy' should be a comma.
"“Of course.” He lied in a reassuring tone." Here, if the second sentence is supposed to be a dialogue tag, the 'He' should be lowercase, and the period after 'course' should be a comma.
“Nag her if you have to!” He said dismissively…” Same here, the 'He' should be lowercase.
Additionally, the word saiyan is inconsistently capitalized. I think it should always be capitalized, or always be lowercase.
All in all, an enjoyable read. Thanks for sharing.
| Ada Ayre chapter 1 . 4/14/2014
The language control here is nothing short of excellent. Your vocabulary is rich and diverse - however your enthusiasm to scrunch it all into one piece ultimately undoes it. There is an incredible amount of detail into Vegeta's wounds and his level of pain to the point of awkward discomfort for the reader. In my notes I have a scrawl on the first paragraph saying that the amount of adjectives are unnecessary, even though they are beautiful, but as I read forwards I realised this trend runs throughout the whole piece. It may require a whole rewrite and redirection to tighten this piece up, additions about the battle, Vegeta's thoughts on other characters or Vegeta's attitude towards his injuries would be great starts, and a big removal of many of the descriptions of pain. I understood Vegeta was in pain from the first three paragraphs, they did not need to be the focus of the whole piece. The past-tense in-depth descriptions about the past battle really do not work. I believe they would serve better as flashes, rather than nearly full-paragraphs of their own.
I don't really mind not knowing much about the characters, I don't need to know their whole bios. I like how you explained the relationship between Vegeta and his daughter without breaking from the story to give unnecessary backstory exposition. Nothing is more irritating than that, so well done!
Also, at one point Vegeta references remembering a 'fight scene'. Remember, audiences watch fight scenes, characters participate in fights!
On the whole your language control is just superb. I think you could open up this flash fiction into a novel if you wanted. I would encourage you to read this piece ALOUD. It will help you find the unnecessary lines, where it is too long, and when things sound over the top with descriptions. It's a good habit to get into as it helps with grammar, too (though grammatically I think this piece was masterful).
I did find one typo, search 'atention'.
| Vegetafangirl101 chapter 1 . 12/18/2013
Please add more!
| Edhla chapter 1 . 11/1/2013
Hey :) I'm from RLt, nice to read you ;) I don't know much about Dragonball-Z, but I have a basic idea and I'll do my best.
This is going to be adorable. I can tell. :D Thoughts in order:
"Cracked open..." this is a much more vivid way of phrasing than the expected, "opened a crack." It's not too weird, and very apt. Nicely done.
"Every fiber..." I'd perhaps rework this description... I'm a massive sucker for a sickfic, and I think the more enthusiastically descriptive you can get, the better :D
"The girl said..." This sentence needs a bit of punctuation... I'd put a comma after "being", and then a period after "state." Bra is super adorable, though. A kid can't tell the difference between a solid beating and a life-threatening disaster, especially if they're highly strung.
"Inaptitude" - ineptitude :)
"More frightened than a chased deer..." D'AWW! That is super adorable and I just want to snuggle Bra now. Poor little munchkin.
"Small limp..." I'd either use "slight limp" or just "limp", ha. Ramp up the angst!
But seriously, a few SPaG issues aside (I can't speak for how you've stacked up with canon events or characterisations) this is a super adorable piece, and the idea of an injured man trying not to scare his adorable fic is pretty easy for anyone to relate to. You've done some nice work here, good luck x
| xSmallLadySerenity13 chapter 1 . 10/27/2013
I Really Enjoyed This! The Way Vegeta Bore His Pain To Ease Bra's Worry Was The Sweetest Thing Ever!
| Ermilus chapter 1 . 10/8/2013
Ooh I like it
| Ness Frost chapter 1 . 9/30/2013
Not gonna lie; Vegeta-centric stories normally don't really do it for me. This one, though, was rather sweet and fairly heart-warming, especially near the end. I thought Vegeta's characterization was very good, and Bra acted like a believable four-year-old.
Critiques: You've got a few typos and spelling/punctuation inconsistencies, but nothing gratuitously bad. I also think you should elaborate a bit more on the events that led up to this story, maybe with a few brief flashbacks to the actual fight. As is, I was sort of distracted from the story wondering "wait a minute, how did this happen?"
One last question: why didn't Dende heal him?
| DC20 chapter 1 . 9/25/2013
First, I am a sucker for father-daughter stories. This was right up my alley. Put DBZ on top of that, and I’m all in.
Overall I really enjoyed this story. It covered themes and topics that I am interested in even outside of DBZ, but it conveyed them using the characters and setting of DBZ in a cool and interesting way. I especially liked the character work done here—DBZ isn’t especially known for having deep or profound character work, but what you’ve done with Vageta here adds some insight into his development that was only hinted at in the series. I like what you’ve done with the characters, and you’ve done an excellent job telling your story. The conflict was strong, the relationships were strong, and it was all around awesome. I’m down with this fic.
I did feel the prologue section could have been weaved into the actual story. The prologue feels like a very long author’s note, and, quite frankly, isn’t very interesting outside of the story. Really, the information as we’re given it isn’t all that important to the story either—it’s just a way to get Vageta in the hospital so he can have his moment with Bra. What I’d recommend is cutting the entire prologue and finding a way to give us that information within the text of the story itself. One place I found as a good jumping point for that would be just after the first sentence of paragraph 5. In that sentence, you mention how he was injured—I’d expand that to briefly encompass what was told to the reader in the beginning note so that the reader can jump straight into the story without the initial info-dump, which is pretty boring when compared to the actual story itself. Note that that’s my impression off of just reading this as a oneshot—if the prequel was in fact another story you’ve written, it makes more sense as a “bring up to date” kind of deal. That said, even if that’s what it is, I think it would be more effective to be brief with what you tell and weave it into the story itself.
While the story work was spot on, I have a few suggestions regarding the writing:
First, a lot of your sentences sound watered down. Strive to write active, powerful sentences. The major issue I’ve seen in your work here is the use of words like ‘was’ or ‘could’. Gut those when you can. For example, “Pain was searing violently through his body.” In this sentence, cut the ‘was’. “Pain seared violently through his body” is sleeker, more immediate, packs more punch, and keeps us closer to Vageta than we are with the “was”. See also, “He was struggling to remain conscious” vs. “He struggled to remain conscious”; “He could swear” vs. “He swore”; “Vageta could see” vs. “Vageta saw”; “He could feel his chest slightly shutter” vs. “He felt his chest shudder”; “Bra began looking” vs. “Bra looked.” Those are a few examples—just be on the lookout.
There were a few redundancies. Make sure everything you put on paper tells us something new. “He thought mentally” is a good example. Readers already know that thinking is a mental process. If a character is thinking something, we already know it’s in his head—telling us twice is redundant. “Mentally” can be cut, because it doesn’t tell us anything new about what’s happening. “He thought” tells us everything we need to know, and further information only needs to be given if it changes how we perceive his thinking—for example, we’ll know it’s a mental process if we’re told “he thought”, but if we’re told “he thought out loud” then we now understand that he’s actually speaking. Another example of potential redundancy—“He frowned in confusion. ‘Why are you crying now?’” We can infer from the dialogue that he’s confused, and as it’s attached to his frown, we can infer that’s why he frowned. “He frowned. ‘Why are you crying now?’” You had an excellent example of this done very well with your line—“Of course,” he lied in a reassuring tone. The dialogue here and the tag accompanying it both tell us something new and different. I really enjoyed that line.
Another thing to always watch for is points where sentences can be condensed. “Then, as if in a dream, a sobbing sound made its way to his ears;” can become “Then, as if in a dream, he heard sobbing;” Cut words you don’t need. Often times, to simplest way to say something is the best.
Those were the major suggestions I have. If you would like, I marked all of my notes in a word document, and would be happy to send it your way. Let me know.
I really enjoyed reading this story. It had a strong story, strong characters, and, despite my suggestions above, very strong writing overall. I especially liked a lot of the imagery used—especially the line, “…the vivid sensation of flesh and bones being slashed through with a saw.” Great use of images, and just one example of what you’ve done very well here. Keep up the great work! Like I said earlier—this story was great, and I’d love to see more like it!
| Nike-chan chapter 1 . 9/24/2013
Oh! That's so cute! I love Bra/Vegeta's ficion. She really broke his hearth! You were so sensitive related this... Congratulations!
| boboleta chapter 1 . 9/6/2013
Hey, there! Really nice beginning for fluffy short-story. :D
Starting with the good - I think your vocabulary is ample and rich. Words like "throes" and "lanced", which are neglected most of the times, were perfectly used.
- Apart from one or two exceptions, the flow was rock solid and there were no awkward sentences, to put me off. Unfortunately, that's a recurrent matter in most stories, so well done.
- As far as I could tell, there were no massive grammar and punctuation mistakes (apart from the quotes), which made the text look crisp and easy to read.
Now for the not so good (:D) - I would've liked some sort of prequel chapter written and not just a quick author's note describing it at the top. You didn't need to make it a lengthy one, since you say in the A/Ns at the bottom that you'd maybe get into the Assur saga in the future. Just picking up at where the battle ended and describe/explain things from there. As is, even if you explained it, it just seems a little lost and misplaced.
- Since he went through all his life knowing of his saiyan blood and how it managed to heal his wounds really quickly, Vegeta kinda seemed a little too in awe with how fast/easily his muscles, etc, were being cured. Also, for someone so used to pain and slashes and everything, he kind of seemed 'too hurt'... he'd feel the pain, no question about that, but I believe that that roughened, overly-proud edge that he shows people would translate at least somewhat to his inner struggle and that excruciating feeling of pain. Meaning that he'd toughen it up in mind as well as in his actions and words to bystanders. Does that make sense?
- Grammar-wise, we usually use these ("...") instead of these ('...') for dialogue entries. The latter have other uses, which may vary with the author's personal preferences, but mainly as quotes inside a line of dialogue, to emphasize or something.
- On the 4th paragraph from the bottom (not counting the A/Ns) you've written "Bra smiled contempt". "Contempt" means disdain, scorn, etc. You've probably meant "content" which means satisfied.
- The flashback portion in the middle of the two scenes kinda put me off a bit. Not only because it was a flashback in another character's point of view (in Bulma's/the other fighter's eyes; you were in Vegeta's POV before and in the flashback he was unconscious and couldn't have known what happened), but also because you've treated it as a scene break (with the long lines separating it), and it picked up from exactly the same spot and through the same POV afterwards. The italics would've been enough if it was supposed to be a random thought/flashback in the same scene.
All in all, it got my curiosity to see where you're going with this, but the whole Assur saga was what got me really excited. It looks really promising, as you describe it. Shame on you for wasting a gem like that by letting it exist only in your head! Go on and write it, already! xD
| NNP chapter 1 . 9/3/2013
| pallyndrome chapter 1 . 9/1/2013
Good story! One day Bra's gonna work out that he lied though :)
| AMBVLNT.ideal chapter 1 . 8/31/2013
That was amazing. My eyes never left the screen! I loved all of the description in your writing. I was really able to play a little mini episode in my head :) Your version of vegeta and bra is exactly how I would envision it would be. Thanks for posting!