|Reviews for To Melt a Warrior's Heart|
| SaiyanPrince541 chapter 1 . 11/14
This was an amazing story! I really liked it! The Vegeta/Bra moments were just too much! :)
I love the development! He instantly melts like cheese when it comes to Bra hehehe! It's just adorable as heck and the ending was just a killer! He'd do anything, just to see his little girl smile xD! :D
As far as feedback goes, all I can say is to give it a once over so you can enhance the sentence structure and expand on the vocab and descriptions (i.e. try forcing more ardor into it, that always captures readers)! With my fic, I edit a chapter at least 5 times over before I post it. That really helps bring out the quality, believe me! :)
| Sofia Volpina chapter 1 . 9/26
Hello R.J.! It's awkward to comment on my own story, but since you left an annonymous review this is the only way I can thank you for it. Yes, you are right, the example you mentioned is not just your interpretation, it was my intention to picture just that. And yes, there are some other similar inserts, hints, whatever you want to call them. In all honesty, I thought no one would notice them (which, of course, was not a good thing)! Thanks for the great review!
| Guest chapter 1 . 9/17
Great stuff, exceptional writing, rich vocabulary, flawles choice of words and perfect flow!
Your characters are very good, they stay 100% true to their original selves and they reach good emotional / relational depth. Without being sugary or schmaltzy in the least. On the contrary, there's a rough edge to the overall atmosphere of your story.
I like the subtle metaphores you planted along the way. For example Bra fearing for Vegeta's life and looking "as if she was waiting for the world to end - no, as if she was witnessing her world ending before her and all ground she'd ever known crumbling beneath her feet".
I see what you did here... Clever way of outlining the wonderful father-daughter relationship between Vegeta and Bra! Vegeta is such a huge part of Bra's life that she sees him as her entire world and she finds such security and reliance in him that he is "all ground she had ever known".
It says so much about their relationship. I would normally think I'm reading too much into it. But in your case I think it's no coincidence because there are many more examples of such "emotional subtleties" planted in your story. I love it.
There's much more I have to say but I've rambled on for too long already so I'll just stop here. I'd love to give you some concrit as well, but today I only have praise my friend.
| Espeon804 chapter 1 . 8/19
This is really good. I love the details that you had placed so well in this!
| fangurlsrule chapter 1 . 8/18
OMG this is super sweet! I love the stories with bra and vegeta cause I imagine him having a soft spot for his daughter
| jennifer975 chapter 1 . 8/3
Cute and sweet, I like it!
| DS49 chapter 1 . 5/25
So sweet! Very well written
| nancy103 chapter 1 . 5/21
Super sweet! I love Bra/Vegeta stories.
| Guest chapter 1 . 5/9
I think it was pretty spot on.. Everyone knows Vegeta has a soft spot for his little Princess..
| Anony chapter 1 . 5/9
Exactly what he would have done, looooved it
| pukeko10 chapter 1 . 2/3
hi! great story! I like how you pictured Vegeta's realtionship to Bar. She makes him soft and he falls for her charms but not in that annoying way writers tend to do; you know, Bra only has to flick her finger and Vegeta litteraly melts away, ugh...so thank you for not doing that! :P
In my opinion you overdid it a tad, with Vegeta's injuries and the pain he was in. He's a Saiyan after all with quick self-healing. But again the description of the injuries and the pain was really good. Which brings me to my next point! your writing skills are amazing, considering you're not a native speaker. I'm not a native speaker myself and write in english too but your vocabulary is so versatile :)
| Jane chapter 1 . 5/31/2014
Hey :) Just a little tip in regards to the idiots below me who left mean reviews just to be trouble making assholes. You CAN moderate reviews. If you go into your acct and select settings and then scroll down a bit, you'll see an option for moderating reviews. By selecting yes, it prevents guest reviews from going through right away for 36 hours, giving you a chance to 'approve them' or delete them. This will force cowards like the fake whim symphony down there (nice try jack ass, CU members ALWAYS log into their accts when leaving reviews) and that other jerk to actually sign in to review or say nothing at all.
Now, as for the fic, I thought it was well written and well enough in character given this is the more mellow version of Vegeta. Personally, I like the more mellow version better. So yeah, good job :)
| Osetto chapter 1 . 4/14/2014
I'll split this review into two parts, story and structure.
Story stuff: I actually enjoy it when something usually laden with action is given a little reprieve. Reading the summary and introduction, I was satisfied with how the story unfolded. I liked the detail you gave for the struggle and pain. The story depended on it, and you maintained enough of a focus on it that the severity came across well. Knowing a little about the characters involved, I loved the touches of pride that came through in the narrative. It's one thing to describe pain, it's another to describe unique reactions to it, something I think you handled well. The interaction between Vegeta and Bra were touching and providing a fitting contrast of softness to the 'sharp' recovery process.
There is a touch of excess wordiness in certain parts. For example: “…he found it hard to keep his mind from wondering whether his bones and muscles weren’t perhaps indeed being hammered to bits and pounded to pulp…” Here, you could omit either 'perhaps' or 'indeed' and I think the sentence would work just as well, if not possess a better flow.
“It had recovered well given the damage sustained when the saiyan had held off Assur’s final Hakai Chiru attack.” Here, you could use a comma between 'well' and 'given'.
"It was hurting and was somewhat stiff, but at least half-way functional and bearable to Vegeta.” Here, you could omit the second 'was'.
“Maybe he could, after all, identity the voices of the low but nonetheless incessant palaver next door. After all, the attribute of incessant gave him sufficiently of a clue as to who one of the participants ought be.” Here, unless intentional, the phrase 'after all' is used two sentences in a row, which can be somewhat distracting. Eliminating the one in the first sentence could improve cohesion between the two.
“the bandages running around the shoulder and arm down to just below the elbow and then wrapped around his chest and upper abdomen to keep the arm immobile along his body.” The description here is somewhat laborious and hard to get through. I'd suggest finding a slimmer way to describe it, perhaps using the word 'sling'.
“He leaned forward, prompting the elbow of his good arm against his knee for support.” Here, you should replace 'prompting' with 'propping'.
“His hand hovered ever so slightly over the wraps across his chest, avoiding touching the wounded spot.” This could be rewritten as "His hand hovered ever so slightly over the wraps across his chest to avoid touching the wounded spot." This way, you avoid using two verb-ing words in a row.
“He was grateful that whoever had dressed him, had preferred these shorts to those bizarre, undignifying gowns that the earthlings so fervently insisted on wearing in the hospital, or in this case in hospital-like environments.” Here, I'd suggest moving the commas around. Remove the one between 'him' and 'had', and add one between 'case' and 'in'.
“’Damn you, Kakarott!’ He thought, overwhelmed by the violent pangs ripping through his shoulder and arm.” Here, 'He' should be lowercase, as should all pronouns used in dialogue tags.
“”You hurt, daddy.” Bra said.” Here, the the period after 'daddy' should be a comma.
"“Of course.” He lied in a reassuring tone." Here, if the second sentence is supposed to be a dialogue tag, the 'He' should be lowercase, and the period after 'course' should be a comma.
“Nag her if you have to!” He said dismissively…” Same here, the 'He' should be lowercase.
Additionally, the word saiyan is inconsistently capitalized. I think it should always be capitalized, or always be lowercase.
All in all, an enjoyable read. Thanks for sharing.
| Ada Ayre chapter 1 . 4/14/2014
The language control here is nothing short of excellent. Your vocabulary is rich and diverse - however your enthusiasm to scrunch it all into one piece ultimately undoes it. There is an incredible amount of detail into Vegeta's wounds and his level of pain to the point of awkward discomfort for the reader. In my notes I have a scrawl on the first paragraph saying that the amount of adjectives are unnecessary, even though they are beautiful, but as I read forwards I realised this trend runs throughout the whole piece. It may require a whole rewrite and redirection to tighten this piece up, additions about the battle, Vegeta's thoughts on other characters or Vegeta's attitude towards his injuries would be great starts, and a big removal of many of the descriptions of pain. I understood Vegeta was in pain from the first three paragraphs, they did not need to be the focus of the whole piece. The past-tense in-depth descriptions about the past battle really do not work. I believe they would serve better as flashes, rather than nearly full-paragraphs of their own.
I don't really mind not knowing much about the characters, I don't need to know their whole bios. I like how you explained the relationship between Vegeta and his daughter without breaking from the story to give unnecessary backstory exposition. Nothing is more irritating than that, so well done!
Also, at one point Vegeta references remembering a 'fight scene'. Remember, audiences watch fight scenes, characters participate in fights!
On the whole your language control is just superb. I think you could open up this flash fiction into a novel if you wanted. I would encourage you to read this piece ALOUD. It will help you find the unnecessary lines, where it is too long, and when things sound over the top with descriptions. It's a good habit to get into as it helps with grammar, too (though grammatically I think this piece was masterful).
I did find one typo, search 'atention'.
| Vegetafangirl101 chapter 1 . 12/18/2013
Please add more!