|Reviews for Mass Effect: Unexpected Consequences|
| Atsirk Enoh chapter 5 . 10/31/2013
These situations you wrote were very realistic.
| dromedary chapter 1 . 10/20/2013
I'd say the updated version of chapter 1 is a huge improvement over the original one. The plot problems that I mentioned in my original review seem to basically be addressed, and the writing, the descriptions are better as well. Some comments on technical aspects:
A) Sometiemes you are inconsistent in your use of tense-mainly towards the beginning of the chapter. It's very disturbing, especially if it happens in the space of a single paragraph.
Example: The experience (..) was a deeply painful one. My landing (..) does not improve matters.
Better: The experience (..) is a deeply painful one. My landing (..) does not improve matters.
B) You tend to be repetitive in your descriptions and refer to stuff that you have already written before. I don't think this is necessary. It's more likely that the reader will more readily grasp key points if your prose is succinct. Strive for conciseness of expression.
Example 1: I clamber to my feet, taking a couple of initially shaky buy increasingly confident steps forward towards the exit of the street I'm currently in.
Better: Clambering to my feet, I take a couple of increasingly confident steps toward the exit of the street.
This is, I feel, better, because
(1) Changing "I clamber to my feet, taking steps" to "Clambering to my feet, I take steps" conveys the shaky nature of the steps in fewer words, since the steps you take can still be part of the clambering.
(2) Saying that the steps were "increasingly confident" also implies that they were initially not so (i.e., shaky), offering another reason for why "initially shaky" is redundant.
(3) You already stated before that you are in a street, so there's no need to specify that you're taking steps toward the exit of the street that you're currently in.
Example 2: I should probably see a doctor, but I can barely move through a haze of pain and exhaustion induced by the pain.
Better:I should probably see a doctor, but I can barely move through a haze of pain and exhaustion.
Even better: consider dropping the whole paragraph, since pain is already mentioned the preceding one.
C) You still overuse the ellipsis. In particular, there are many instances where you should replace it with the em dash (-), which is the more appropriate punctuation mark to use (among other cases) when a line of speech or thought is abruptly cut off or interrupted.
Example 1: What the...
Better: What the- [Because the next line says, "Blinking in shock"]
Example 2: Looking over my shoulder, I see...oh, the bouncers would be Turian, wouldn't they, perfect.
Better:Looking over my shoulder, I see-oh, the bouncers would be Turian, wouldn't they? Perfect. [Notice that I also replaced the comma with the question mark because otherwise the "wouldn't they" reads in a very monotone way.]
D) It's a bit disturbing if you write out your character's sarcastic remarks (or thoughts) on every second line of NPC dialogue. In fact, the chapter title is somewhat symptomatic of the problem. "Just a charitable bystander (Yeah, sure)"-I would remove the "(Yeah, sure)". On the other hand, making your character's attitudes known to the reader put more "you" into the story, which make sense since this is a self-insert.
| kreep13 chapter 5 . 10/14/2013
Great story development so far. I can't wait to see what your unique vision of the game brings to this story.
| An Amber Pen chapter 5 . 10/14/2013
Please keep writing! I'm loving this!
| XRaiderV1 chapter 5 . 10/13/2013
as always, such a treat to read a good tale. keep up the good work!
| dromedary chapter 5 . 10/13/2013
Some comments, in no particular order.
1) The ellipsis (...) is used so much that it's distracting; a simple search returns more than 50 instances in this chapter alone. Often a comma will do. On other occasions, just write proper, complete sentences.
2) The dialogue is very awkward to read if you interpose your character's thoughts in between the words of another person. This easy to see in the dialogue with Garrus, but the problem really appears all over the place.
"Listen, Sam…it may not be my business to inquire about your personal life" Um, what? "But I don't think that's going to be an issue-you see, I decided to run some background checks on you." Ah. I was slightly concerned someone would end up doing that. "Now, you see, I found a problem when I tried to do this." Yeah, that's to be expected. Garrus is also sounding more and more like Archangel with every word he says.
3) It seems strange that Sam should be left to familiarize himself with his weapons and armor unsupervised. It seems odd for these to be just left for him to pick up.
4) Consider carefully the scenes you write out in detail. More words is not necessarily better, especially if there is not much new compared with what we see in the games. Some scenes can be passed over by "telling" in good descriptive language; the more important ones should be described by "showing".
5) The way you wrote the latest chapter, it's all about who goes where and who shoots what. It lacks feeling and description. How does it look, sound, and feel to walk among the towering ruins of an interstellar civilization?
| XRaiderV1 chapter 4 . 10/12/2013
very well done, the training adds to the story alot.
| dromedary chapter 4 . 10/9/2013
You seem to have the right idea when it comes to the writing style. Many authors of SI stories write them as a sort of stream of consciousness (e.g., when the character encounters a dangerous situation, you would read something like "Oh god oh god oh god"); your approach seems to be more descriptive, which is good.
The difficult part of any SI story is finding a plausible means of inserting yourself into Shepard's crew. You recognise the difficulty to an extent, but still end up having your character join Shepard's crew in a rather implausible way. You recognise the need for your character to receive skills and training-but still I find it unlikely that this could be accomplished within the mission timeframe.
You should reconsider some details that are missing or potentially inaccurate. For example, I don't think you would be able to see the wards from inside the Presidium ring (artificial sky, remember?). It seems doubtful that a small-timer like yourself would have their own cabin on the Normandy. Issues of your (missing) identity and background seem to be overlooked or ignored too easily. Not even a passing mention is made of practical stuff like language barriers and translators.
As a side note, it's very distracting to have those asterisks appear in place of your surname; just stick to your first name all the time, or make up a different surname.
Despite all of the above, I will be keeping an eye on this story, because your writing is decent and you seem to be putting some thought into it (which is more than can be said for most of the stuff on this site).
| FtDLulz chapter 4 . 10/6/2013
Another great chapter, keep up the good work!
| Guest chapter 1 . 9/27/2013
Seriously dude! Get Mass Effect universe, in the exact month the events of the game is one thing. But as soon as walk in a bar right there and then immediately saw the moment when Tali is talking to Fisto. It's just insulting. Well, what is it so hard to try to legalize your character, to organize his documents, legal or not add a bit of realism. I wish he would come every day during that week? Maybe even two weeks and was expecting Tali? And waited there for her? And at night it would have worked earning his living. Prepared for future developments, somehow. And here. Very disappointing start. I expected much more.
| Cousland chapter 2 . 9/18/2013
Seem interesting, I love to see more. Your character is similar to mine with my dislike of Ashley(and Kaiden after Horizon) and Quarian's response to the Geth gaining sentience. Can't wait to see more.
| Guest chapter 2 . 9/17/2013
Spedard wouldn't take you on a mission until you are trained so you will not be going on feros
| FtDLulz chapter 2 . 9/17/2013
The bunched up text made it hard to read, but good nonetheless.
| NoOneInParticular17 chapter 1 . 9/15/2013
Ah another OC story were the character has absolutely no skills or abilities and is somehow suppose to survive. I can't tell you how many stories there are that start the exact same way. Were the character ends up in the ME universe right out of school in the year 2183 with no skills whatsoever and only has a few hours to find a way to join Shepard's crew.
What amuses me is that you really expect this guy to survive the rogue Specters Saren, his army of Krogon and Geth, and Sovereign. The only why that could happen is if you use plot armor to make him know were every hostile is or if you allow him to learn how to use tech and weapons (that takes years of training to use) within the weeks it takes to hunt down Saren.
Ether way, this story's not going anywere I've not seen before, so that's it for me
| yorkmanic89 chapter 1 . 9/14/2013
whoa. i would love to be in his shoes if i was in mass effect