|Reviews for Med Die with me|
| FairMystery chapter 4 . 10/29/2013
Great chapter as always :) In my opinion I think there should be rape but hey thats my opinion. Anyway please make the chapters longer! Also i still find this story VERY interesting even if your not useing your journal anymore. CONGRATS ON THE GOOD FEEDBACK VALORY!
| NinjaCacti chapter 3 . 10/20/2013
I really like this story idea! the only thing is the grammar but this story is good enough for me to ignore it! please continue writing and maybe make longer chapters!
| PrincessAgainstThePatriarchy chapter 2 . 10/18/2013
Oh my gosh yes.
I don't like reading creepy pasta someties but seriously this is good! CONTINUEEE
| Guest chapter 2 . 10/8/2013
OMG POOR COAL! if that were me i would be dead by then. Hes pretty strong to be able to get through that without knocking out. GREAT CHAPTER PLEASE UPDATE SOON!
| Guest chapter 1 . 10/8/2013
WOW this is AMAZING please make more.
| Guest chapter 2 . 10/8/2013
WOW THIS IS AMAZING PLEASE WRITE MORE
| Confusedrambler chapter 1 . 10/1/2013
Hello Valory. :)
Okay, I went ahead and read through the story. Here's a few tips for you:
For an original story like this one, it's actually best to post it on Fictionpress, the sister site to fanfiction. Fictionpress is made especially for stories with original plots and characters, so you'd probably get a better response there.
I can tell that you've done a little better with your spelling here, but you still need to work on your grammar. Look out for homophones like to, too, and two. They'll do their best to trip you up every time! You also need to watch out for your 'e's. It looks like you have a bad habit of leaving them off of some words and tacking them onto other words that don't need them. For example, 'non' should be 'none' and 'childe' should be 'child'. Also keep an eye out for your punctuation. You seem to be missing a few periods here and there. As I told you before, a good spell-checker and a beta reader will take care of most of those problems right off. :)
Another tip- whenever a conversation is happening, make sure to start a new paragraph for each time the speaker changes and to enclose the entire speech with quotation marks. For example:
"Dad, have you seen Gus?"
"No, I haven't. I thought you boys were playing outside?"
"We were," Shawn said, "But we started playing hide-and-seek and now I can't find him anywhere!"
Separating lines of speech like this allows the reader to follow along easily and it's actually easier for the author as well!
Another suggestion is to make use of the separation bar. In fanfiction's doc manager, it looks like a little line. You can find it in between the 'centered text' button and the button that looks like an eraser. When you use the separation bar it lets you change scenes without having to type out things like Morning.
I know this is getting long, so I'll just give you one more piece of advice. The story Coal's dad told is what we call an "info-dump." Try to avoid these as much as possible. Readers like to find out information bit by bit. It makes the story more intense and it can give you the author more wiggle room if you decide you want to change some of the details in your story. If you give the reader too much information at once, they may get bored and decide this isn't the story for them.
Still, all in all, you've done pretty well. I can tell you've improved some. Just keep practicing and little by little you'll get better. :) Don't give up and let me know if I can help out with anything else!
Until next time,
| Kittenizzy Loves Edward Elric chapter 1 . 10/1/2013
Good story! Please update sooon!
| ScarkitTheMadaNeko chapter 1 . 9/29/2013
Hmm... A little odd, but really good.