|Reviews for A Dark Little Raven|
| RavenSerendipity chapter 19 . 4/17/2015
Just keep writing. This is great. :)
| Guest chapter 18 . 1/20/2015
Wow it's conflicting with their plans
| Darkverger1 chapter 19 . 1/14/2015
Who cares if you took this long, One, that chapter was awesome. Two. She's coming back and has an insane power boost( although she is gonna need some therapy.
| Ifonlyanimewereinreallife chapter 16 . 8/15/2014
PLEASE SAVE RAVEN!
| Ifonlyanimewereinreallife chapter 12 . 8/14/2014
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
| Guest chapter 18 . 8/9/2014
That story is not done you need to finish that story please ...NOW!
| Youllneverknow chapter 18 . 8/8/2014
| Kaarlinaa chapter 18 . 8/8/2014
Why! Why do you do this to us?! A cliffhanger! Why do you hate us so much! Lol well continue
| AnnoyinglyNormal chapter 5 . 7/7/2014
For WA review game:
Glad I was able to get a story that I am familiar with the fandom and I do enjoy reading specifically about the main character in it. Keep in mind, I was only able to read to chapter five. But I will continue to read and review it when I can. The story looks pretty good so far and you do “catch” the reader early on into the story (if that makes sense).
Typo: “ahe” should be “she”
Add a space:“enjoyedthem” to “enjoyed them”
Fix: “He saw tentacle twitching” to "He saw a tentacle" or "He saw several tentacles"
Remember to use pronouns (he, she, them, etc.) instead of repeating the person’s name over and over. Granted, sometimes you can’t really avoid it without confusing the reader
I tend to stay away from: "then this..." or “then he _” To me, it sounds almost dry, as if you’re just telling the reader what’s happening. I try to take the reader inside of the story as much as possible, so long as it doesn’t hinder it. Mind you, this only happened once or twice that I noticed, so the rest of it was good. For example try something like "a piercing scream interrupted them..." or “Starfire was cut short by a brief scream” instead of “Then a scream interrupted them”
You typed “and and” at one point when discussing Terra. An easy fix, and usually spell check will help point those out (although not always, for some reason mined skips a few every so often).
You don't need an exclamation mark within quotation, and then say "he exclaimed". It's a bit redundant. Personally, I always figured that exclamation marks aren't necessary for the reader if he or she can already tell that the character would be yelling, but that's just a personal opinion
When they hear Raven scream, try rewording it to something like: "but Beast Boy was already running down the hall". Or you could also say “sprinting” or use another similar verb.
Always avoid parenthesis, especially if it's the author speaking within them. In my opinion, it forces the reader out of the story and distracts them from it. If it's a reminder to the reader about something, you can try adding it in the author's note.
I was always told that using numbers within a story will also distract the reader from the story. Instead, it might be better to spell them out or, in some cases, use approximations instead.
You were describing Starfire and typed out “books” instead of “boots”. Just remember to reread it (if you can, wait a few days before doing so) because spell check won’t pick up on everything.
When you say “That…Was Raven?” the “Was” shouldn’t be capitalized because it isn’t a different sentence. Some word programs will pick up on that and some will try to correct it.
“You have to admit its true”, “its” should be “it’s”
Lastly: one of your tittles is “While that was all happening: The other titans” while it does make sense, I think it’s a bit wordy for what it’s being used for. Something like “Meanwhile” works just as well. If you don’t think that “Meanwhile” is sufficient, then not changing it really isn’t an issue.
Overall: It’s definitely a story that I’ll be following. So far you have an interesting plot and most of the mistakes that I saw are very minor and don’t really distract from the story at all. Except for maybe using parenthesis inside of a story – but that’s also a pet peeve of mine. I know I only looked at the first five chapters, and as I continue to read I’ll drop a similar review or PM (if you prefer) every so often. You dialogue looked good, with no glaring issues. Granted, I usually judge that on if it sounds natural to me, and that can vary from person to person. Personally, the length of your chapters are a bit shorter than what I usually enjoy, but they do end at natural breaks so it isn’t an issue. Also, some people hate longer chapters, while others don’t like short ones – so that’s more of an observation than a critique. I think that your pacing so far is good, and you do present the main conflict early on so the reader isn’t really waiting for something to happen. I also like how you’re having Raven’s emotions speak as individuals, because that is something that’s unique to her and can help show a lot about the plot and her feelings about it so far if it’s used properly (which I think that you are).
One of the things that I just noticed, it that you could probably use a few more commas in certain places. I usually read it out loud and look to see where I naturally pause for effect or where I pause so the reader can easily follow what I’m trying to express. That seems to work well enough for me. Hope to have some more of this read soon and am looking forward to see what happens.
| iamking chapter 17 . 7/1/2014
Cool stuff so forward to the next one.
| Lewis-Sama chapter 17 . 7/1/2014
BB's quest has begun.
| Shrapnel893 chapter 1 . 6/20/2014
I chose the one I was most familiar with, and while I don't remember much about Teen Titans, it's enough (I think) to understand the original depiction of the characters and go from there. Which is, them being placed into your story and given more room to expand and grow with a (hopefully) wonderful imagination.
The first thing I noticed was punctuation, which I realize you're not too confident on and that's alright. You know, that's why professional authors always have a professional editor or two look at their work before they publish their it. I'll point out a few I noticed from the first chapter:
"Yes, soon it shall begin," Rumbled the demon...
It should be like below:
"Yes, soon it shall begin," rumbled the demon... (the dots being the rest of the sentence)
The reason for this is because it's all part of the same sentence. Another one I noticed, was:
Her dreams had been wild, she dreamed of rivers of blood and screams of pain... And worst of all... She had enjoyed them.
Now, I want to explain something about ellipsis (the ...'s) and capitalization after. Really, it is up to your personal preference, but what I'd do (and spell-check doesn't like) is (since it's all one sentence/line/thought/etc.) is as below:
Her dreams had been wild; rivers of blood, screams of torment and pain... and, worst of all... she'd enjoyed them.
Basically (and that's my own style of writing - you can ignore that part), the pause with the ellipsis is "delayed", which means it's still a part of the same thought/same sentence and therefore (if you didn't put say, a comma) the next word shouldn't be capitalized, unless the ellipsis was "empty". Meaning, it doesn't go anywhere - therefore a new sentence is put where capitalization is needed (where you'd need to add an extra ellipsis which would be the period, ending the sentence). So, as an example of each:
The way was clear and yet... something ominous was lurking further ahead. - delayed (like a silent pause, essentially; also, you can replace the ellipsis with a comma if you prefer)
The way was clear and yet, something ominous was lurking further ahead. - delayed (replaced with comma)
The way was clear and yet... Something ominous was lurking further ahead. - empty
It all depends where you want the emphasis to be at. Most of what I described above is, again, personal preference and isn't written in stone, so you don't have to change anything, really. Just a heads up (and I mean the ellipsis, not the dialogue tags, hence the "most"). These are all just things you could do, not that you should do. You don't even have to add a period if you don't want to. It's all personal preference, like I've said (well, written, but you get the idea).
These are just two of the couple I saw. There is also some redundancy such as describing Raven's voice as "monotone" a second time. If you look over your work, I'm sure you'll find the others on the first or second run-through. What I always suggest is to triple re-read your work before deeming it finished, as you never know what you may have missed. There is also the "rule" of Show, Don't Tell. Which, you can tell more than you show but the majority will say that's bad writing. It isn't, really, but I say that it is more... enjoyable to see, for instance, "Everyone hated it [Starfire's cooking]" rather than telling us they hated it. You know?
As for the characters, I believe they are all accurately portrayed. But, then again, I watched Teen Titans when I was a lot younger and don't remember too much, but enough, as I've said.
As for the positives, is the imagery that's described and the characters. Your writing style is fine, but always work on improving with past and present tenses, spelling, grammar, punctuation, etc. and you'll be just fine in the long run, I'm sure. That's what I'm positive about - that you will improve and be a better writer.
We can all be better writers, you know?
| RavenBensonRoth chapter 1 . 6/10/2014
pm me as i want to ask u something on like how u got the idea of this story
| Samace chapter 16 . 4/28/2014
I just started reading this today and I'm already at ch 16. Omg this is so freaking gooooodd ugh! Just so much yes. So much. Everything is awesome. This story is great, it's plot makes sense, the characters are so canon. Just... just yes. Thank you for this wonderous story, and I wish for a quick update :D
| Lewis-Sama chapter 16 . 4/5/2014
The chapter was fine. I can't wait until BB shows up again.