Reviews for Persona 4 : Truth and Lies
Erin Carde chapter 9 . 3/27
I think this was great. I really hope you continue this series! Q_Q
In any case, keep up the good work. I hope to read more from you in the future.
*Hands you a Soma* Keep going. I have faith. .
Erin Carde chapter 7 . 3/27
Really liking his style of fighting. It makes sense if you think about it, and I like the great amount of thought you put into this. *Hands you a Soma* Best of luck!
Erin Carde chapter 4 . 3/27
And not a single fuck was given that day. *Hands you a Soma* Take it. I've got plenty. Grinding in Monad will do that to you.
Erin Carde chapter 3 . 3/27
Personally, I've always liked SoujixNaoto pairings, but I wouldn't mind a SoujixRise pairing. Up to you. Harem would also work fine, but I'm not here to tell you your job. Just to give you an encouraging review! *Gives you a Soma*
Kingdom Hearts Slayer chapter 9 . 3/21
nice keep ging it good
Ganheim chapter 9 . 11/4/2014
Chapter 9
the familiar Elevator
[He might be expecting an elevator (which shouldn’t be capitalized, a lift is a lift) but it isn’t a lift and hence either it needs to tell us he expects a lift or he walks into a limo]

MARGARET!" Souji screamed
[Individually these could work, but all caps plus exclamation point plus speech tag only seem to fight each other, reducing the total impression]

that's its not even
[that it’s]

you're true journey
[your – possessive. You’re is the contraction “you are”]

help you through out
[throughout, I think]

step foot over here
[return?]

His grin was thrown out of the window
[Given how esoteric a place this is, you might want to use something more literal. Vanished? Fled if you really want a somewhat metaphorical descriptor?]

"SENPAI!" Souji ran over to the place
[I think you have a scene break, but you do absolutely nothing to describe the transition (or just insert a horizontal line or some such)]

voice was emiiting
[emitting]

Something had happened
[“had” is a passive word that is almost never necessary]

an emotionless look on his face
[Maybe a wooden, hollow look? Emotionless isn’t necessarily accurate when he’d likely be some variant of ‘drained’]

Yosuke literally dragged
[He’s not using his legs? No, I think this is *metaphorical*, not literal. Not using the word ‘literally’ will help avoid confusion]

Yosuke informed
[Surmised or postulated or some such – you inform what you’re certain of, when you’re passing along truth. They’re still struggling to create a hypothesis]

kicked dozens of monsters with ease."
"Hundreds of them…" Souji corrected
[No arrogance there. Even so, I appreciate that you’re giving your Souji a definite characterization. He seems like a person and not like a “INSERT PLAYER HERE”]

Yosuke and Chie freaked out, but managed to control themselves
[This is telling, and of a particularly unhelpful sort because it’s self-contradictory. “Their eyes widened, but they bit their tongues and shook until the moment of shock passed” shows if faintly from an omniscient perspective. There are other descriptive ways to show it using only one character’s perspective, and those techniques tend to be more powerful than telling]

Souji sighed
[He’s spouting poetic nonsense that I suspect the self-strong, tomboyish Chie would more likely be insulted by. She’s a fighter, a person who takes action and likes being acknowledged for her ability to do so, it’s one of the aspects of her relationship with Yukiko that remained the same through the game]

is sensei."
[sensei?”]

"I believe you
[That was fast. Not even an ellipsis or a pause to stare?]

Suffice to say
[Words that rarely need to be said. In this case, I don’t think the following section helps either. It’s telling instead of showing]

onto his gut
[As the last conclusive male identified was Souji, you might want to use “its” until you tell us this is Minato]

potential, strangely
[Period break there. Also, It would be nice if the ‘strangely’ sentence was phrased more as if it’s a thought from Souji, as it is]

to yell.
" Is
[Soft return instead of full paragraph break, was that intended?]

that?" Yosuke snapped
[A snap isn’t generally a question]

your not me
[You’re]

doesn't changes that
[change what]

Souji no sold the pain
[The problem with certain colloquialisms is that they can mean different things in different places. “shrugged off” is more universal, though there are more alternatives]

It’s a pity that you stopped, because you not only have a very interesting idea, you also do a good job developing your variant plot and the tweaked personalities (especially your Souji). There are a few details where I think you could have emphasized things like Souji’s inferiority complex or allowing a little more of ripple effect in the Shadow confrontations, but I think you easily could’ve done it if you kept going. Despite that, you tend to show more than tell which is a great if hard habit to get into and a real problem for many writers.
Ganheim chapter 7 . 10/13/2014
Chapter 7
Dojima still seemed wary of the story
[Probable he’d know what a TV thrown to the ground looks like from domestic cases as a beat cop (or detective)]

T.V of all places
[While the sentence wanders a bit, it’s a question (or at least starts off as one). Also, punctuation of TV – obviously I like dropping the periods altogether but T.V. works as long as you’re consistent]

Souji eventually found himself
[Given the dreams and fantasy elements, I think you need to more clearly describe a “normal” passage of space]

Do we have the same soul mate!?"
[She’s seeming more fearful of being at all connected to Yosuke than sharing a romantic partner (something not looked well on in Japan)]

should not be pissed for the sake of others
[Isn’t that the best reason for anger? I think you intend to say something else but I’m not positive]

"Believe me, asshole
[So he’s going Namatame before Namatame. I did not expect that, it expresses an emotional insecurity and lack of foresight, which isn’t a bad thing for a character intended for growth]

Souji gracefully rolled in mid air before landing on his feet just as gracefully
[Repetition of gracefully – also, using an –ly word when it isn’t needed, the sentence conveys the implication without]

Let's look for a way out
[Issue: how did Souji get back out from before?]

this was seriously like a fucking puzzle
[I don’t even think it’s like a regular puzzle, just a thriller set piece]

a zip under his neck
[Seemed more at his neck to me]

Who are you.
[Question missing its mark]

She hoped that her legs could carry her away from the place
[I’m not sure what you were intending to convey, but it repeats without expanding on sentiment you already stated. I’d just drop it and go into the next section]

one shotting all of them
[That may work in dialog or chatrooms, but it doesn’t take advantage of what narrative can convey]

without breaking a sweat
[I would never say this unless setting up for a surprise ambush. As soon as you imply your hero can’t be challenged, you imply that (s)he’s boring]

harnessed a Agidyne
[Unneeded ‘a’]

decided to summon…. He didn't
[Awkward sentence. Also, humans don’t hover (No, I don’t count Margaret). If he’s thinking ‘it’s time for a side of me I haven’t brought out in a long time’ then that fits perfectly, but it’s not at all what you said]

explode into Ichor
[Ichor is the bloody mess that clings, Shadows always seemed to dissolve like smoke to me]

Souji immediately dodged
[Another place where an –ly word adds nothing]

Souji grabbed the guy who his hood again
[I don’t know what this means]

he looked so badass right now
[I’d think he should look like a crazed blood knight right now, not somebody you feel safe associating with]

know your watching
[you’re]

Oh?" A certain someone
[Poor description – a new someone? Yosuke or one of the others already there?]

Chapter 8
and how we can get out of here
[Plot discontinuity: Souji already entered and left the TV once in chapter 6. Even at the end of the game the group was still reliant on Teddy for an escape]

threw her into the TVs
[I’m not sure if it’s a good thing that you’re taking your own direction, or a bad thing that you’re portraying him as a staunch hot-head acting without regard to the harm he can cause to his compatriots or maybe even self. This is as much a bully move as pushing Yosuke in earlier]

I will never hurt people
[I’ll just act without thinking whether it could kill people]

It made me power up triple
[I would never give a precise number]

Minato no sold the fireball
[What?]

let yourself be open
[leave yourself open]

Souji meet head first with the ground
[Odd order, what’s wrong with ‘met the ground headfirst’?]

causing the attack the pole instead
[I have no idea what this means]

Yosuke and Chie. They might be in danger
[How’s he got that? *He* was the one who pushed them in, with no indication that anything else was going on except his overzealousness]

the whole wipe
[while?]

my life." Souji
[Source Mixing]

A figure with a cape just glided through the streets
[What? Is this the LSD segment of the chapter?]

Chapter 8
in contrast to his quiet behavior with the real world
[When was this quiet behavior in the real world? I don’t think we’ve seen it yet]

Because you're true
[your – this is a rather important one to get right, as using the wrong one changes the meaning if the sentence is intelligible at all]

help you through out
[throughout, I believe. Different meanings]

His grin was thrown out of the window
[Given the somewhat fantasy setting, especially given the Velvet Room, a different turn of phrase might be more apt]

"….. Yes, but he
[If you’re going to imply time before he speaks, the ellipsis does some of that but I think moving the speech tag in front would work even better]

I'll surely visit him
[Is he asking where he can visit?]

Margaret dropped her compendium
[She’s doing that a lot. I thought she was supposed to be a terminal professional]

already been an year since
[I’d wonder if she’d act like this (not just for characterization) but because time works differently in the VR]

Souji ran over to the place
[If you’re going to dump us in a new place, you should describe it at least a little]

This time,
[What ‘this time’? Last time it was also Minato. Are you attempting to transition with “but this time”?]

voice was emiiting
[Spelling, though I think ‘emitted’ fits better in this context]

"No, 3 police cars
[That’s a lot for such a small town]

Something had happened
[Passive voice – and the had is really unnecessary]

he controlled his emotions real well
[No, he didn’t or he wouldn’t have run. What he’s doing is collecting himself in a short span of time – quick recovery, or the appearance thereof]

writhing from pain
[in pain?]

someone was throwing people in HIS world
[I can think of one right now]

Yosuke said with a wave
[Given the tumult he’s probably in, I’d think some additional descriptor to show that it’s wooden or mechanical or something like that would help]

Souji grinned, summoning a sword
[A danger of ‘powering up’ a character is that you diminish the journey they make and being able to conjure weapons at will in the material world can throw things askew]

will get hurt, Chie…you getting hurt
[Repeated too close in proximity]

"I-I understand
[Not buying it, I’d think given how gung ho she was, especially seeing how little threat they seem to have from shadows with an overpowered Souji around to fight in their place]

landed on his but
[butt]

Who is sensei."
[sensei?”]

someone has been throwing people here
[One of them in white hair watching the proceedings]

HELL NO!" Yosuke roared
[Avoid using all caps when not showing emphasis – to me it means nothing but “the writer forgot to turn off caps lock”. When you have too many repeating indicators (caps, exclamation point, roared) they only reduce each other. Use them sparingly and they’ll be more powerful when your audience sees them]

forcefully removed his costume
[Given that he currently IS the costume, a more accurate ‘tore off the head’ would’ve been more accurate]

Nothing here...
[Given his expanded knowledge of shadows, why is Souji not concerned at all about Teddy?]

"Me too, you have
[Why is the bear agreeing with another person’s agreement?]

, ready to attack
[Actually this is ambiguous and I think the mystery would be better served without this bit]

to Izanagi and instantly, the fog disappeared
[Odd change, one not substantiated in the game and not one I can see benefiting the character growth as the story goes on]

Souji could barely sense Yosuke
[Unneeded –ly, also everybody has potential but Yosuke hasn’t challenged/confronted himself so I don’t think this vague descriptor makes much sense. If you’re wanting to identify the arcana that Yosuke uses then that makes sense]

"I gotta sprint
[Why? Even being able to “see”, they don’t know where to go. If he can follow Teddy who went on ahead (which you don’t clearly state) then that might bear mention]

Souji gasped as he spotted Teddie and Yosuke
[You just described them as being left behind, not making their way ahead]

fog didn't reappear
[I thought they said the fog seemed reduced, not completely gone]

to yell.
" Is it
[Soft return – not intended?]

it…" Yosuke dropped
[It’s unclear who says this (and given that you’re mixing things up, it could be either Yosuke or Saki)]

drive ya right to hell
[Why? According to your portrayal so far, this is a new event and he hasn’t identified it as a shadow yet]

like that?" Yosuke snapped
[A question is not a snap – though I agree that the latter fits]

so terrified of being more the merrier
[Isn’t that what he wants? I thought it was being alone or sidelined]

your not me
[you’re]

massive slap
[That doesn’t sound so bad. Being crushed on the other hand would’ve sounded better]

utterly crushing it
[Repetition – also possibly inaccurate and unnecessary]

doesn't changes that you are
[change what/who you are]

I want to see how I fare against you
[Interesting track, also probably an excellent way of establishing the comradarie with your version of Souji]

Yosuke cringed from the pain but still kept going on
[Given that Souji doubled over the first time a move like this happened, shouldn’t Yosuke also drop to his knees and struggle also?]

Souji no sold the pain
[This can mean different things in different places. Did you mean shrugged it off? Nearly crumbled and discarded his actions to hide that? Truly didn’t feel anything?]

SEES itself will have a huge role to play
[I know this is what you’re planning, but I don’t see how SEES would have any idea of what’s going on here. Even if the Kirijo Group is keeping an eye on Souji (in which case I’d think he’d recognize a handler instead of spotting Mitsuru herself who should be too busy running the gumi)]
Ganheim chapter 1 . 10/13/2014
Chapter 3
remembering the memories
[That’s a default, and hence unnecessarily awkward]

That grin that she actually creeped
[The grin creeped might fit better]

There is little to do here, since you came from a big city
[I know this is the translation used in the game, but it always felt awkward to me. Don’t be chained to the game script, change it if you can make it flow better – and if you’re giving your Souji a real personality as you should, that will be necessary]

guess your right
[you’re]

me that seemed
[that you]

Yeah afterall-"
[after all]

Souji's reply…Sighing, Dojima
[Source Mixing]

He already developed a sort of hatred for it
[From what?]

you like." Souji gritted
[Source Mixing]

avoiding an fireball
[a]

figure but just then
[Sentence fragment]

thing was, to hell
[The ‘to hell’ doesn’t add anything to the sentence]

Souji gasped and sat straight on his futon
[Happens only in movies]

Souji just owned Izanami just as he entered Inaba
[Not really, just confronted]

Chapter 4
Just then
[Adds nothing to the sentence]

go together." Souji
[Source Mixing]

"Long teeth
[I have no idea why this isn’t either thought or the same narrative observation as the rest]

Souji stopped the driving student
[If you’re trying to refer to Yosuke, it’s “riding” for bicycles in every English dialect I know and in either case re-describing him a little could help. It would only strengthen your narrative portrayals]

whispering on how
[about?]

I don't have gigantic canines and stupid hair
[Morooka’s incisors, not canines, are oversized]

face with her hands, hiding her face
[Repetition of ‘face’. Given that the gesture already implies the latter segment, you could just cut the sentence at ‘hands’]

Souji impressively walked
[There are a few ways of walking, but unless he’s got Sun Wukong’s cloud he’s just walking – and here I think simplicity would help more than unnecessary –ly words]

The seat mate of Souji
[There are as many as 8 that this could refer to, or just Chie sitting next to him, but it lacks clear identification. Remember this is an unknown to your POV character, Chie’s not yet introduced herself]

His personae turned wild
[And started drinking all the booze]

the blue haired boy could dual summon
[I’m pretty sure this hasn’t been possible in the Persona series, a persona represents a person’s current state of mind and hence is implied that only one can manifest in a person at once]

Souji just pimped right in front of King Moron
[Points to you for that – not because of characterization, but because you deviated from the game script in something that was still consistent with your characterizations]

Chapter 5
"This is Yukiko Amagi." Souji
[You’re identifying Chie’s line as Souji’s by sticking it in Souji’s line]\

two of the hottest girls in the school
[Actually, I don’t think there’s really a ranking beyond ‘Yukiko’ who’s probably viewed as desirable since she more closely fits the Nadesiko stereotype. I may not like her, but there’s also Ebihara who’s stated to be one of the school’s physically attractive girls even if she’s as abrasive as sandpaper]

her beloved cracked
[A small figurine? I know it’s a DVD, but you haven’t described it yet]

My trail of the dragon
[Trial of the Dragon – yes, capitalization is important in titles and proper nouns]

stunned from his impressive courage
[I don’t think that was courage as much as just a witty parthian shot]

never seen a like this
[seen a what?]

they were completely black, no pupil
[They might be dark, but he’s a real person and hence wouldn’t have art limitations the game might’ve had]

ignoring the two
[other two]

quickly casted a
[“cast” is past-tense already]

I saw him glow blue
[I don’t believe those effects are normally visible except for Awakened. Yes, I just stole a Shadowrun term, don’t judge me]

she still called you cute
[Wasn’t that ‘he’?]

not much people
[many]

he could easily create blades made out of pure spiritual energy
[Marty Stu warning]

"Goodby—" He was stopped by a voice.
"HEY!"
[Source Mixing – ‘stopped by a voice’ works better as an identifier (implying ‘not Souji’) and hence would seem to go better with the next person in the next paragraph]

A bunch of girls
[More a couple, but eh]

a certain someone
[That’s about as non-descriptive as you can get. It’s Adachi, but I only know that from assuming from my playing and not from your story text]

journey begins." Souji
[Source Mixing – unless you want to have Souji talking to himself when he thinks he’s hearing Minato, you need to separate paragraphs and even better also add speech tags so we know it’s a familiar young male’s voice instead of one of the people at the crime scene]

Souji has maxed all of his stats
[So, he’s on new game plus?]

Chapter 6
Souji gasped
[There’s a lot of that going on]

He was broken out of his thoughts by
[I’m disappointed, you’ve done such a good job avoiding Passive Voice until now]

from an antenna!
You
[What’s with the soft return?]

My trail of the dragon
[I’ve heard about a trail of tears, but never trail of the dragon]

catch up to guy
[to the]

'So, did ya
[“So,]

come at your place
[come to]

They talked about
[This sentence is telling, and doesn’t seem necessary given that you can easily show conversation]

His heart started
[Who, Yosuke the last identified person? Or Souji, the typical POV character? If it’s in Yosuke, how would Souji notice this?]

With even waiting
[Without]

"Sure you were." Souji wanted to say that aloud
[Your punctuation says he does]

that was broken when Souji exploded into laughter
[Props for breaking out of the script again – and honestly I did the same thing when I heard it in the game]

T.V which
[If you're going to use periods, you need to use them on both parts of TV]

even plugged off,
[wasn't even plugged in]

he was remembering
[Passive - he remembered would be more concise and powerful]

He touched it and it went straight trough
[He destroyed the screen? Given the abilities you've implied it's possible, but the oddity of what does happen is so unusual I think it really does deserve some text on the cool touch of glass parting like the skin of water or some such]

His arm felt weird, like
[This feels more like telling and less like showing. What's disconnected like? Does it feel eerily numb? Like the limb in the TV is prickled with needles?]

but the deity blocked
[Souji doesn't know it's a deity yet, just a strange dark figure]

didn't even scream
[You repeat even later and it fits more there, it isn't needed here]

to PIECES...smashing it to pieces
[Repetition]
Guest chapter 9 . 3/18/2014
This story NEEDS an update. I love this story, I really do and you is awesome. Also pair Yu with Naoto, it is my personal favorite pair. Not enough of them. Anyways PLEASE more updates. Have fun!
amir26r chapter 9 . 12/28/2013
Nice story so far but maybe you could make souji calmer than he is now. Oh and pair him up with Margret, that'd be a great pairing.
Yoshikunitsu chapter 9 . 12/19/2013
I'm honestly just starting to play P2 while waiting for next year to come. Of course even if the two weren't in the same universe one does have the universe arcana as well. When Souji is going to find out the truth is going to be a painful time for him and most likely those around him as well. Yosuke, I hope that fighting Souji will help him with his loss this time around and that eventually Souji will find out Minato's true feelings of when he left. Have fun writing and have a good holiday!
Raidou The 16th chapter 9 . 12/19/2013
Well, that was awesome. Keep it up.
Hawkeye Reticle chapter 9 . 12/19/2013
Velvet Room was awesome, though I wonder how any of them could really tell Souji that Minato isn't around? I doubt they could.
Though, considering that Mitsuru and Akihiko are earlier in here than usual, and we already know that the Velvet Room has just basically lied to Souji that Minato is still coming... I can only say that things could be going down. Bad things.
Hahaha, oh Souji. You don't just randomly summon swords in public.
And indeed, the Yosuke Shadow battle. Oh well, Souji and your writing will get more of a chance to shine when the harder Shadow Selves keep popping up.
Keep it up!
Meia42 chapter 8 . 12/10/2013
It's interesting that Souji seems nicer in his own head than he is when he's dealing with others. Then again, Minato's practically his father at this point considering how he was "raised", so it makes sense. :p

And so many P4A cameos to mark the end of the chapter! Wonder how peeps have wandered into Inaba this fast, but then again it probably has something to do with what's different in that person that keeps bothering him.
yakari school chapter 8 . 12/8/2013
Hey! I really enjoy this story. Its neat to see souji acting more confidently than in game, and i like the relation that you've started to show between minato and souji. The battles are well scripted, and i enjoy the level of description put into your work. If i had one complaint, it would be that it isnt long enough! I look forwards to the next chapter!
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