Reviews for Bleach: The Hitsugaya Secret
lucas chapter 1 . 3/19
Awesome, really good
The black out chapter 13 . 12/29/2013
3
FireWing Pegasus chapter 1 . 11/24/2013
I wish more people would review this story
4fireking chapter 1 . 11/16/2013
This certainly was a long story. Almost as long as the one chapter story where Sanji hires a hypnotist to control Luffy’s mind. And Luffy falls in love with Usopp’s cousin. But I don’t think you watched One Piece since Bleach and Yu-Gi-oh our your forte’s. I like that word impeccable. I also liked the fighting in this story. And I also like the kimono and the haori jacket. This kind of reminds me of a movie of Bleach. However, the name Momo kind of reminds me of the fishman in my story. One Piece New Era. The only thing I didn’t like about this story was Orihime. I think I’ll review more of your stories if you’ll review some of mine. P.S. Happy birthday, birthday girl, or boy. I know it’s a day late but I was busy yesterday.
Yemi Hikari chapter 1 . 10/15/2013
The first thing I'm going to say is that it is spelled “zanpakuto” and not “zanpak-to”. However, I actually encourage you to keep the misspelling for all your Bleach fics. Why? Because it is a unique misspelling that can help you catch if someone is plagiarizing any of your stories word for word.

Second, Toshiro and Momo are not boyfriend and girlfriend in canon and yet you describe Momo as Toshiro's girlfriend. When dealing with non-canon pairings don't ever state that the two are together as if it is fact. Instead make the readers believe that the two can be a couple. This is particularly true for this particular pairing as they have a lot of things that make it hard for those following canon to believe the pairing possible.

While I don't want to ruin the pairing for you I personally don't feel it is fair to sugar coat the issues with this particular pairing either. I'm guessing you came to the conclusion that they were dating because you've seen the English dub and jumped to the conclusion that they were dating because they appeared to be childhood friends and he swore like a knight in shining armor does for his damsel in distress to protect her.

Fact is they're not childhood friends but foster siblings. The fact they are foster siblings is lost in translation as Momo's calling him Shiro-chan gets changed to Little Shiro in the dub. The primary use of -chan is for little kids, younger siblings or a young female referring to another young female who is a close friend. On top of this Toshiro isn't operating under the Western concept of knight in shining armor but instead the Eastern concept of the samurai which holds that the eldest male... which Toshiro is... is to protect his family to death.

Then there is the fact their relationship is strained because of certain events. There is also an age gap between the two and personality conflicts.

Third... Momo and Toshiro would not have been sent to the Maggot's Nest. The Maggot's Nest is the business of the second division and while the captains may know about it the fukutaicho do not. The reason Urahara went and took Hiyori with him was because he used to be a member of the second and was thus fully aware of the place.

Forth... your strong point is your description of action scenes. The fact I can picture what is going on in the fight is wonderful. Most writers are very weak in t his department when they start out writing so to have it as your strength from the start is a strong positive in your favor.

Fifth... your other strong point is characterization. Unlike your ability to describe action it is a bit rough around the edges but it is clear you do have a strong grasp of the characters personalities which is another positive in your favor.

Sixth... “Then out of the prison cave, a horse like figure made of fire, walks out and spreads its wings.” I want you to look up the term Mary Sue. You will find that the term is used in as an insult by some people but when it comes to critique they are pointing out that your character need work for some reason. On the positive side your OC has a great personality and great characterization. On the negative side her powers aren't realistic for the Bleach universe.

I actually suggest using what's called The Universal Mary Sue Litimus test on your OCs which can be found at springhold and I'm even willing to go over the parts with you if you have any questions about how it works. Normally I don't hold to using such tests but this one actually does what it is supposed to do if the writer answers the questions carefully. It works for original fiction as well, so since you're interested in writing like you are. Will discuss this further with you if need be.

Seventh... when picking out names for your characters don't make them up. I know way to easily that you made up Hashira in an attempt to make her name sound like Toshiro's name. To pick good names for characters use a baby name site or pick a word that shows up on a Japanese dictionary.

Eight... you've got a LOT of good ideas in the story and while the plot is rough around the edges and needs refinement it is quite enjoyable. Something that could help you out for NaNoWriMo this year is to work on the pre-planning stages. This means first coming up with a beginning, middle and end or at least where you want to go. Then you plan out chapters or scenes for your story as well as a time line.

Nine... very good for your first fanfic. Normally I don't get to say that as the writers first fanfic is like other peoples stories and they don't yet have any strengths to their writing and other times I have to say that the story is below average for a first fic on a site where you're supposed to be thirteen and up. (Aka I've caught ten year old kids trying to write and post stuff and it can be rather obvious.)

P.S. Love your inspiration and why you choose to write what you did for NaNoWriMo last year. Makes a lot of sense really.
Guest chapter 1 . 10/9/2013
Aizen is most defiently a sick bastard how dare he be uni-shira's boyfriend and then transform her. I hate him. Great job on first one shot.