|Reviews for The Eternal Struggle|
| lavenblue chapter 3 . 2/25/2014
This chapter was so sad!
I am looking forward to what's to come :)
| lavenblue chapter 2 . 2/24/2014
I really like the pace of this chapter. Straight to the point etc...
I would've liked some more background about Solkarios, other than him being raised by Goku... Maybe you will add more as the story progresses? I do think it's important to build up a new character in the beginning, though- give him a history, or at least a glimpse of how he came to be. I find that a lot of people find it hard to connect with OC's in stories, and this can affect it either way. I personally don't mind and will read a story regardless- if it's good ;p
I loved how Vegeta just jumps right in and takes charge! So like him lol... The relationship between the boys feels genuine. Loved the action, loved the emotional bits...
| lavenblue chapter 1 . 2/24/2014
I am intrigued- not something I've come across in this fandom before. I am interested to see how you will incorporate the DBZ characters into this story.
There were a few grammar errors, which can be fixed with a quick edit. Otherwise, it is well written :)
| FireLordFrowny chapter 1 . 1/23/2014
Hello. :) I haven't watched DBZ in yeeeaaaars but I'm in the mood for critiquing, so I'll mostly focus on things like sentence clarity, if that's okay! I'll critique as I go.
"A lone being flew through the skies at speeds beyond measure and impossible to track by the untrained eye"
Hmmm that seems a tad redundant to me. Perhaps consider omitting the "speeds beyond measure" part. I think it would be just fine to say "speeds impossible to track by the untrained eye." Up to you, of course!
In that same paragraph, instead of saying "he had jet black hair" and going on to describe his appearance, I think it would flow a lot better if you somehow integrated those facts into the narration of his actions. For example, "His spiky, jet black hair whipped around in the wind" or "his blue eyes were fixed determinedly in front of him," something like that might be good.
Third paragraph where you say "it wasn't much, a few paintings..." there should probably be maybe a hyphen or a colon or a semi-colon rather than a comma. Later on in that same paragraph you use the wrong form of a word - it should be "abyss" instead "abyssal." I also think to describe it as "the dark abyss known as sleep" sounds a little hackneyed. Maybe just trim it down to "the dark abyss of sleep." Less wordy, more concise, less cheesy. In my opinion, anyways.
"Hope... it's something that we cling to"
I suggest you omit the word "that." To me, "that" is a junky word that gets used a lot where it doesn't need to be, and I try to use it ONLY where it is absolutely necessary. "It's something we cling to" reads a lot more smoothly than "it's something THAT we cling to." But this is just my personal preference.
"He also placed a symbol on the case that was his own mark..."
I think that's a bit too wordy. You could simply say, "He placed his mark on the case," or "he marked the case with his insignia," and then proceed to describe what the mark looks like.
All in all, very solid work on this chapter!
| jacobfyretrash chapter 7 . 11/24/2013
I just pupblished a new story called Mirai Nechita's Story and it's kind of like this chapter, but Goku dies and the Saiysn die yada yada yada. Also... *takes a deep breath and runs far away* GOKU'S BACK! *screams in joy and runs around*
| Kakarot Son chapter 1 . 11/17/2013
Upon reading the first line or two, I've realised you're immediately thrusting us into an unfamiliar situation about things that a fair chunk of the fandom probably hasn't come across before. Risky move, it could work out really well or it could be a double edged sword .
'A lone being flew through the skies at speeds beyond measure and impossible to track by the untrained eye as he lost his pursuers.' While I suppose that's a technically correct sentence, it's confusing and awkward. Try making it smoother, something along the lines of: 'A lone being flew through the sky at unmeasurable speeds, loosing his pursuers with ease.' That may not have been exactly what you were looking for, but notice how it's a lot simpler to get the gist of it? Try and keep it nice and simple and you'll be surprised at how smoothly your writing will flow.
'Last, but not least Never Give Up Hope!' More of a grammatical point here but why is the last half of the sentence capitalised? Don't be afraid to double check if you're unsure whether or not something requires capitalisation or not.
'This existence is full of corruption and is all screwed up.' Choose one half of the sentence and chop it in half, it doesn't work very well the way it is. 'This existence is all screwed up... it's filled with corruption.'
Those were just a few points that I figured I'd point out as I read it. Good chapter, but I'm still a little lost when it comes to the setting of all this... not entirely sure what an Anunaki is. On that note, I guess I'll tackle your summary too.
'A war before time began, between the Fallen and the Anunnaki. As the Fallen are on the loosing side, one of the generals sends a letter into the physical dimension to the Chosen One, as they hold the key to tipping the scales and the power to erase the old existence of corruption and injustice to something much better. How will the Chosen One react? Find out in this epic adventure.'
That sounds epic and everything but to a fair chunk of people you're going off about some weird things called Anunnaki and the Fallen. To be blunt, they'll have no idea what you're talking about since this is a DBZ fanfiction. Make it more friendly towards those kinds of people and you'll gain more readers, as your summary is their first impression of your story. If it's not good/decent, they're not going to click on it. Scrap the 'find out in this epic adventure' as it's unneeded and comes off a little desperate.
Anyway, not all that bad of a chapter... good job. Hope my mad ramblings were of help to you.
| jacobfyretrash chapter 4 . 11/13/2013
I have a lot of personal issues. Anyways... I love the Tattoo part. I've always wanted a tatto, but I'm not old enough and yada yada yada. Good Work, Ament! *grins* You're new nickname!
| Apollo1147 chapter 3 . 11/3/2013
The pacing is still good and I find it easier to read. I think you have made Vegeta more malicious than he actually is, and I still have issues with the frequency of the word "brat" used in his dialogue etc.
I don't like that you have made Goahn resent his father, but I completely understand why you did and I look forward to more development there, so that is more of a personal preference than a criticism.
Good cliff hanger considering we know what the letter says, who is the chosen one, who will be cursed? what will happen? ooo!
| Apollo1147 chapter 2 . 11/3/2013
Okay, what happened was interesting and it is making a good basis for a story, but there are some problems.
Gohan is OOC - I don't think he would say "bro" and "man" kinda thing.
Vegeta's characterisation is going okay, but I don't think he needs to use "woman" and "brat in every other sentence when talking to the relative character - it will give it more impact if he only uses it occasionally. Instead you can get his characterisation through the way in which he says things, which you have managed with "barked" etc.
The speed of sound thing - This is me being really picky, but you can actually see things travelling at the speed of sound (jets can break the sound barrier) and so it just sounds a bit... limp. (Sorry!) I get that you want to describe things but you don't need to do it so in depth when it doesn't actually have a specific significance. Obviously the crimson eyes did and that was nicely explained, and therefore interesting but blocks of descriptive text I find a bit unnecessary.
But still, it is good overall!
POV - Seemed clear to me
Emotional depth - fine
Pace - good
Catching and keepings reader's eye - this chapter more so than the last one, so that is good
Grammar etc. - seems alright to me (but I am no expert!) Sometimes you miss a full stop or whatever but nothing hugely obvious from what I have seen.
| Apollo1147 chapter 1 . 11/3/2013
I like the concept.
The POV isn't confusing in this chapter and it is easy to know what is intended without actually knowing what is happening - if that makes sense.
My problem with this chapter is your paragraphing. After reading it I can see why you have written it like you have, but honestly it was a little daunting to see those blocks of text and to get through it, so perhaps see if you can break a few of those up? I find it just makes it easier to read even though it is the same number of words...
No idea what D.N Angel is so whatever feels right for you I suppose!
| Aquestra chapter 3 . 10/27/2013
| jacobfyretrash chapter 3 . 10/27/2013
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! And I don't like Chichi anyways. She stole my Man!
| jacobfyretrash chapter 2 . 10/26/2013
*laughs* Veggie-chan and his words!
| Aquestra chapter 2 . 10/26/2013
Nice Chapter! I'm really curious about Solkarios and his origins. You called him a bastard? Gokus bastard? Wonder how that could have happened. And crimson eye, interesting wonder why that happened. You should be a little more descriptive about him though. Is he taller than gohan out of ssj2, whats his hard colour? But anyways great chapter - Can't wait to see whats up next!
| jacobfyretrash chapter 1 . 10/25/2013
Good First chapter! I absolutely love everything about it! Please Continue! :D