|Reviews for The Ultimate NetNavi|
| LukiaDeathstalker chapter 12 . 4/9
A story with 'Okay' grammar, no lemon, and with several chapters? Dang, this is a rare sight lol
By the chapters I followed, (and I stopped by the 12th right now), I have to say, while I'm not fond with the insertion of a FC/OC so close to such powerful character as Bass, you still have done a better job than many reckless writers out there with their fantasy. I'd say I'm neutral about this one, which means a lot. (in a good way)
I noticed Dr. Cossak's personality was kept almost the same as his canon's, at times it felt a little bit OOC, but nothing faulty.
Bass's personality was kept even more, which is pretty good. I like this detail when the canon, specially a 'broody and dark' type continues to act the same, regardless if it's towards an OC, it shows that the writer has maturity to fit their character in without messing the ambient.
I will admit, though, that I also fail to see the appeal for red eyes in characters. I think it begun to give a bad impression of "I'm special! Notice me!" kind of thing, even if it wasn't your intention. I guess the blame falls on so many overused 'red-eyes' concept for characters, it starts staining the image of it. Besides, I still think she'd be just fine with a pair of normal brown eyes, or hazel, let's mess with shades :) It's what I do to avoid the 'red eyes - violet eyes' cliche/trope.
I'm glad it was explained how Kyouko's (I can't help but to remember of Madoka Magica, I'm so sorry...) father was a friend of Dr. Cossak, I don't remember well the details since it's been a while that I read it, but I hope their partnership and friendship have lasted enough for Cossak to accept Kyouko as close as a niece. Very glad it wasn't the "need to have mah OC related to canon for now reason other than it's kooool!".
Something I'd like to point out for now, that mental illness that Kyouko has... Did you make that up or used a real mental illness to describe it? I can't help but to think the description given in the story was very similar to 'Borderline Personality Disorder', but it never came to say the actual name. I'm hoping it was based on a real deal, that'd increase more points for the hard work of the writer and credibility.
Nevertheless, keep it up. There's still a few points to fix and to improve, but I believe with the skills you have now, that shouldn't be a problem.
| ProTales03 chapter 1 . 3/31
"but please, no flames. (Or comments regardingmy vocabulary and grammar)."
Sorry bro, but u uploaded a story in a place where everyone has the free of speech to give u constructive criticism, if u can't take it, then don't upload it. This is something I kinda frown upon, don't be afraid of receiving (good) criticism, how else would u improve?
Anyways, onto the story.
I'd give a tip: Don't use the word 'somehow'. It implies not even u knows how did something happen, don't be vague. Actually type the actions to keep the credibility.
I'd point at the grammar, since that's almost the core of a good story. What good is a story development if the words are scattered around or poorly written? But I wont nag u much on that subject, since I'm also not perfect in terms of grammar.
About the appearance, why does she has red eyes? Don't come with the excuse of "dude, it's anime", because I haven't seen any red-eyed chars in the universe that were humans. Let's keep with the universe's standards next time, shall we?
Maybe 'smart' wasn't the best word to describe Kyouko, perhaps 'witty' would work better for her type.
I like the fact Japanese names were kept for the characters. They are, after all, in Electopia which is the franchise's version of Japan. So that matches. Tho I want to ask if these names were actually searched up or just made-up names.
Why would Dr. Cossak make a special navi for ur OC's daughter? Was the OC friends with him? How was their partnership? Don't just demand a canon character to build something for a FC/OC just for the sake of it. Remember, don't affect the universe to receive ur OC, make ur OC to fit in the universe without changing anyone's personality at ur will.
I think for now, this is it. There's probably more that I forgot to mention, but I don't want to go on in a bigger text. Was an 'alright' concept, but could have worked and fleshed it out better. I'm sure u can improve if u strive, though. So go for it.
| JaneValentine007 chapter 16 . 3/17
Interesting... Even Serenade, the "Underking of the Undernet", or, "S"; is afraid of this Abandoned Server...
| JaneValentine007 chapter 15 . 3/17
You don't even KNOW how much I love this chapter... Also... WHAT's NEXT?! VIC?! ITO?! XD
| JaneValentine007 chapter 14 . 3/17
Oooh, I want to delete whoever done this too! XC
| JaneValentine007 chapter 13 . 3/17
HOLY MOLY... (Lots of bad words inserted here, too lazy to type em all...balabahablah..)
| JaneValentine007 chapter 12 . 3/17
So HE'S back again! Of course! Aaaaaand...wow... Cossack, that moment kinda sent a prick to my heart. But just a bit, anyway, very brilliant chapter once again! :3
| JaneValentine007 chapter 11 . 3/17
OUI... Things are going wrong...VERY wrong. It wasn't hard to catch that the Restrain Armband was gonna be used on Bass sooner or later. If this was really a MMBN game, the name would be SUPER shortened! Like "WtrBckt"! Lawl!~
Another amazing chappie!
| JaneValentine007 chapter 10 . 3/17
Hrm... nightmares of screaming. Gonna head for a dark turn in this story soon, huh? I'm actually really interested in your story and I can't stop reading it lol. (You can probably tell since I'm.. flooding your inbox about this... lol...)
| JaneValentine007 chapter 9 . 3/17
OMG! I laughed out a bit TOO loud! The personalities you got on the characters are spot on! I would've imagined Lan to have a sese of deja vu; since I kinda expected the culprit to be Blackbeard sailor, er, pirate guy. The version I played was MMBN 6 (Gregar). Very wonderful chappie!
| JaneValentine007 chapter 8 . 3/17
Oh, lord...Oh gawd... Oh JEEBUS... I- I'm totally taken back and speechless! What the heck?! Wha? Wait! What's going on HERE!? Holy JEEBUS!
| JaneValentine007 chapter 7 . 3/17
Ooh... I wonder what happened and the amnesia shtuff... I can totally see this in a Gameboy game. 3
| JaneValentine007 chapter 6 . 3/17
I love it to death! I have MMBN 3 (Blue)! Awesome job! I love this book!
| JaneValentine007 chapter 5 . 3/17
Oui! Bass outta nowhere saving Megaman! :3
Lol...Did Mick put the pin on Mr. Mach's chair?
| JaneValentine007 chapter 4 . 3/17
I love it when she messes with Bass XD
Also...Oh no, that Get Ability is gonna be problematic with a NetNavi like him...