|Reviews for Difference|
| Da-Tenshi Setsuna chapter 10 . 9/3/2014
Great chapter! The eating sequence was odd though.
| Sacred Dust chapter 9 . 8/17/2014
This is a uniquely plotted and beautifully detailed story that I would be happy to read more of. The "new" Lucemon and his mysterious course is most interesting to me, as well as Veronica's role in this. Not only are the two characters an amusing pair, the combination is a double positive in that it brings his character down to earth while elevating hers, something each of them needed.
I will definitely follow your progress if you choose to continue.
| TheallknowingandUnseen chapter 1 . 6/28/2014
Well written. You describe a very appealing enemy. Cold to the core. This is a great opening. Each character is introduced dramatically and memorably. Very interested to see where this is going.
| KumoFuzei chapter 1 . 5/21/2014
I love OC stories so I gave this a click straight away.
Immediately the summary seems a little confusing and I only clicked on this because I like OCs. The summary, if anything, pushed me away.
You went into too much description for the eyes and it detracted from a strong beginning. Simply saying Light hazel eyes is plenty. "Wild, messy brunet," simply saying brown would work better here. It gets a little confusing with the brunet for some reason. I also don't think you need the first comma.
""I'm fine," He said harshly," he/she/it must always be in lowercase if the speech ends in anything other than a full stop, and in that case you wouldn't be using a speech verb. Names are in uppercase but that rule overrides the previous rule I mentioned.
"looking away ...the grassy field." You overuse 'a bit' in this section and the fact I noticed it means it is one time too many.
"The orange 'blob' opened huge green eyes," don't use the ' around blob. At this point it is still a blob so dropping a hint prior to your reveal ruins the elemnt of surprise.
"Letting out a cooing "fu"" I'd simply stick with cooing sounds or something. I find the 'fu' to be a little obtrusive.
""I'm fine," the boy said again, this time softer as he gave the little blob a small smile." I don't think you need the again because it isn't in fast succession and the bit about the speech being softer doesn't affect how I read because it's too far from the speech. Simply writing ""I'm fine." He smiled warmly down at his partner." gives the same impression imo.
"as he adjusted his blue and white baseball cap so it was firmly smother his explosion of blond hair." As much as I like description worked into the narrative I think it's a bit much and it doesn't make sense at the end. "so it would"* perhaps? Even then, it's a bit wordy.
"the party" I wouldn't use this term. After all, prior to this we didn't even know there was a third member. Give them a bit more of an intro and a party suggests they're on an epic adventure. At this point they're more of a crowd.
"look to fierce." too* "Even ...defend them." too much exposition again. Keep it simple. We can look for reference pictures if need be since they aren't original. Or, you can spread it over a wider area with smaller snippets.
"Zack found himself ...circumstance confront." So wordy that I lost track of where I was part way through. Keep your sentences flowing and shorter if need be. Not every sentence needs a comma. Also, the swapping between everyone's thoughts can get a little confusing.
"Rebirth Garden" I like that you've created an original idea for a rebirth place and look forward to the differences between it and the previous rebirth zones.
"It's like…a baby /not/ leaving the nursery" Do you really mean not? If you do I'm not sure this makes sense.
"looking at Zack like he was a particularly slow child." Explain how he's looking. Don't tell us. Is he rolling his eyes? Is his voice demeaning? Details make the characters come alive when they're the right ones.
"Zack commented absently" Absently? Same rule as mentioned above. I have no idea how you can comment on something absently.
Anthony doesn't sound like a seven year old at all. In fact, all of them sound older than they are. Is there an important reason for their ages? If not, I'd scale them up or change some of the language.
"It wasn't hard to spot the source," Yet again, don't be afraid of the full stop. I don't think a comma is needed here and it'd actually flow better without it imo. The fact you removed some of the description in this scene is a positive. Like you said, it's falling on them and that doesn't leave time to take a picture.
"absolutely massive" I wouldn't use a qualifier like absolutely. It doesn't flow well. "A massive gryphon..." sounds good enough imo.
"taller than all of them even on all fours" This sentence gets confusing because of the fast jumping between (I can't think of the word). Are they on all fours now and it's taller than them? Or is it on all fours? Are they both on all fours? "wings stretching out behind it elegantly" How can wings stretch elegantly? I think the description is a little thick in this section, but not too bad.
"As if that ...Anthony's arm." I was wrong. This takes it over the edge of too much.
"And on the ...everything about the duo contrasting." You can't use a comma in this situation. The sentence makes no sense with it. I think this type of thing is called run-on sentences? I'm not very good with the names of things.
You go into far too much exposition about the girl and the gryphon, who I presume is Gryphonmon, and it just gets boring. Cut it down to what you /need/.
"Even though the newcomer ...childish fascination." This is an example of a sentence that needed more punctuation and you actually went underboard and used it in the wrong places, I think.
When you introduce Sasha with the troops, by this point it's so slow paced that this feels like a fake attempt to throw some action in. It's because of all the description. If they were being chased, why would she go to her friends who have rookies or below? Why not try and escape? And why would she take this long to tell them all? However, the ending with the demon lord reveal is a good ending to a section.
"The Medical Bay ...special cases." This is too much exposition. Cut it down. The same with the following descriptions and further exposition about the boy. Don't tell us. Show us. If he's not injured make it be said or shown. Telling us is lazy writing.
I think brackets in any story destroy the flow. Try and rewrite the next bit without them and cut down the Digimon's description too.
The leaning in to the touch is too repetitive of Anthony. Unless it's an important plot point that the two relationships are similar I'd at least describe the stroking differently.
If Dorumon's childish then why doesn't his speech match his words? Is there a reason for this?
The skipping around of thoughts is confusing again. Personally, I prefer to try and only be in one person's head in each section even if I jump out descriptions.
"tiny, legless and pink pixie-like creature, tiny wings" you overuse tiny.
Exposition again that doesn't flow. "As much as humans in the Celestial Capital trusted Digimon it was simply more comforting to have a human take care of them."
I don't think you can reveal she's called Agnes without doing so. Suddenly calling her Agnes is confusing. How was she obviously stressed? I've said it before but try and explain these things were possible.
Eric's personality seems quite childish actually and thus far it is the only one I really have any feelings towards. It feels like he's a person and not just a tool.
Agnes rambles on too much and I lost interest.
"She was a thirteen year old girl who looked no older than ten who could carry herself with the authority of a trained adult." Overusing who and exposition.
"She was easily the most terrifying nurse in the entire Celestial Capital." This is the right amount of exposition. Small and a personal thought. However, personally, she's not terrifying at all. I'd work on her personality some more.
""Right," And suddenly Agnes' face was rather grave and Eric found himself wondering what had happened, "Sasha and Darcmon were out earlier and reported running into a few minor Black World warriors and decided to engage them before they could plan anything or terrorize any helpless villages or towns."" A lot is wrong with this section so I won't ... it. First of all, you only end speech with a comma if you're using a speech verb. Otherwise it's a full stop. Secondly, describe Agnes's face. (I'm almost certain even with people whose names end in s you have to use 's). You can't end a sentence with a comma and go straight into speech without using a speech verb prior. I'm pretty sure it's D'arcmon. If they're minor why is it so serious? Have her jump into why it is because the next section about towns is wasted speech and could easily be cut for quicker reveal of the demon lord.
It is quite a strong start to have a demon lord, by the way, and I hope you manage to keep up this big reveal system throughout because there isn't much above a demon lord. Yet again, I like Eric's immediate thought to go help. It's very fitting with her personality and he doesn't feel quite as badly characterised as the others.
"The black of his knees hit the edge of the bed" black? You could mean back here but because black could make sense this is doubly confusing.
"not caring about disturbing anyone else anymore." Not needed. Explain her lack of disregard, plus if she's a nurse/doctor (I forget which already) then she would be respectful of other patients.
I like the reveal that there's someone else but more and more Dorumon's personality is something I'm finding confusing.
I'm not a big fan of everyone having someone they turn to with such admiration. It screams author's favourite. I really hope the guy is sucky as a let down, to be honest.
You make mistakes and get a little confusing in the next little bit.
""Think he'll kill whoever it is this time?" Eric asked." Personally, at this point I'd have some more seriousness to the tone. Killing isn't a blase subject for little kids unless they're massively screwed up in the head. Some children don't even understand death when they lose a relative so I find it hard to believe there isn't more you can do with this scene.
Dorumon seems like a plot device at this point and I've lost interest in him altogether. Agnes is clinging on to my attention span for dear life.
What is a "disbelieving look"?
"They were fighting again." I don't think this is as strong a start as you think it is.
You go into too much description here again. Is this meant to be an action story?
"It was tiresome really." I'm quite a big fan of a strongly apathetic villain and I look forwar
| foolishpawns chapter 9 . 5/4/2014
This story of yours feels like it could be an actual digimon series.
Beelzebumon...Sounds like he's definitely a glutton in this. Which is fitting. Wonder if the two he's going to attack are going to survive.
Wonderful work :)
| Da-Tenshi Setsuna chapter 9 . 5/4/2014
LOL! The part with Vera pulling Luce's head-wing was so funny! Poor Lucemon 3
| Gallantmon7196 chapter 8 . 4/20/2014
Well, this seems like an interesting story. A little confusing in the beginning but pieces are starting to fall into place. Definitely worth 'stalking'.
I really like that you introduced Gankoomon, even just temporarily.
| Da-Tenshi Setsuna chapter 8 . 4/15/2014
I'm kinda excited. Wonder what "the angel's" reaction's gonna be.
| foolishpawns chapter 7 . 3/17/2014
(This story defiantly deserves more attention)
Well, I got very excited when I saw that you updated this. :D
And, woah, that was a pretty interesting/exciting chapter! I'm loving this story, Luce's character too. :O Vera's also a tough cookie, lucky as well (poor Barbamon and Jijimon though :( ). I wonder what awaits her in the Amethyst forest- though it's most likely more trouble, eh?
Wonderful work! Can't wait to read more
| foolishpawns chapter 6 . 2/21/2014
This story is very well written- and interesting! I'd love for you to continue it, I just started reading it and now I'm hooked and eager to see what happens next!