Reviews for FateRed Night (Old)
The Rupture chapter 7 . 2/5/2019
fanfic reader chapter 1 . 9/21/2015
i think lancer should be paired with Misuzu and shiro should be paired with saber. also i think both lancer and rin should both teach shiro magecraft as 2 heads are better than one, and lancer never really learned anything outside of runecraft, also considering lancer skills with runes he could probably create some king of rune matrix or codex to transfer all his knowledge of magecraft and runecraft to so shiro can continue to learn after the war assuming he survives it.
Cefaye chapter 7 . 2/21/2015
I'm sorry, I had to stop half way through chapter 4. This is ridiculous. I'm not trying to be nitpicky, but the characterization is really...bad.

Okay, it's a good plot and concept, but what you're trying to do is spoiling it.

Firstly, you're focusing too much on Misuzu and forget everyone else. We have
A) A girl being 'wormed' by her family and is the greater grail. She also happens to be the greatest threat. She NEEDS Shirou.

B) A man and woman who are hell bent on creating a paradox. They have problems THAT ONLY SHIROU can solve. When you point all of Shirou's focus on Misuzu, which is based on nothing to begin with, it means that they will go on wanting to change the past. A counter guardian, and and counter guardian-to-be.

C) You've completely cut Rin out of this. You can't simply replace her with Misuzu like that. She is key to Shirou's survival. She helps the plot move along the most. She is the second most important character in the whole of FSN and you can't just shaft her like that.

Plot holes:

1) Where did Saber get her clothes from?

2) Why has Rin suddenly disappeared. She would've known about the Berserker fight, per Archer's surveillance.

3) Shirou worried about school the day after the berserker fight. Yet somehow he completely forgets and goes to sleep?

Next, the characterisation is not amazing.

1) Shirou - You've got his personality down to a T. But he's too infatuated with Misuzu. Yes, he is infatuated with Saber and Sakura in their respective routes, but he has a bigger reason. With things changed so dramatically, he will be thinking out what to do. Misuzu is what Rin would be. He should be looking at her as an ally and classmate. And unlike with Rin, he doesn't have a crush on her. He hardly knew her till then. You shouldn't have him focusing on her so much. There is no reason for this apart from 'plot convenience' and it's gonna make for a rubbish romance if you keep it this way.

2) Saber - This is just plain bad. Firstly, you're expressing her character too harshly. Secondly, she is expressing far too much. How Misuzu is acting IS HOW SABER SHOULD BE. She doesn't show any emotion apart from when she's eating where she genuinely enjoys the food. And NO, she shouldn't be fazed by the thing with Lancer, nor the relationships. Let me put it simply; she doesn't give a damn about kids playing games. She has a set goal, and only 2 weeks of pure persuasion will get her to change her mind and or show the emotions you've given her so far.

Apart from that, you have her speech down.

3) Lancer - There is nothing much wrong with his character. But you're missing his essence. Lancer hasn't seemed in anyway as fun and jumpy as his is in the VN. In the VN, he was friendly enough to even start small talk with Saber and Archer in the middle and beginning of battle. But now, he's too serious. You HAVE to fix that.

4) Archer - This is a big problem. Archer remembers everything about the war by the time Shirou summons Saber. You haven't captured the problems and his thinking. He should be puzzled and baffled by all the changes. But now, nothing. And we're 4 chapters in. The reader shouldn't have to wait so long for something so imperative.

5) Rin - You've made her a generic Tsundere in what you've shown. She's not simply going to let Shirou go. And secondly, one moment she says she has the responsibility over all the magi in Fuyuki, the next she completely passes off that Shirou needs to visit Kirei after his summoning. Wtf? PLS. FIX HER. FIX THEM.



Phewie. Now that I'm done with my rant, good story. It's a great concept, and could go to good places. But I'd have to reprimand you for using 'magic' instead of 'magecraft'. Magecraft is common place, and the word that they should be using. Magic isn't. Magic is VERY VERY VERY get the point...Rare. There are only a handful of people that can use it. Pls don't make this silly mistake. It's a sin to the Nasuverse :P

Sorry if I sounded harsh, but I simply could not enjoy the story with so many plot holes/problems.


1) You need to solve Archer and Saber's problem. They have the same problem, so it is possible to change their minds at the same time like in UBW.

2) Just add Rin in after the Berserker fight. She will what has happened. That way you can get her involved, as she is key.

3) If you've gonna make Shirou and Misuzu a pairing, then you need to start with a good foundation. Not 'plot convenience'.

4) You definitely need to solve Sakura's problems. They pose the biggest threat. And they are very hard to solve. A suggestion is to use Gae Bolg to kill the Zouken-heart-worm and use Avalon to revive her. You can also use Kirei to get out the rest of the worms.


1) How the fudge are you going to factor in Gil and Kirei?

I would continue reading, but I can't with these things bugging me. Pls try your best I'm always here is you need help/advice.
Cefaye chapter 4 . 2/21/2015
Where did Saber get her clothes from?

What happened to Rin?

What happened to Lancer's hate of half-assed fighting, and love of rushes?

You should've kept Saber's excuse to what it normally was. 'A friend of Kiritsugu'. I know it's trying to get in humor, but it breaks character for Shirou to introduce her like that. Funny tho :P Also, don't expect Saber or MAKE her break her mask so easily. It's completely out of character. You're not going to let her break a ten year old facade with simple relationships. Mind you, she was married before, and she only thinks about the HGW. She doesn't care for the ways she needs to get the Grail. As long as they aren't dishonorable. Pls don't forget that. -_-

When describing Misuzu, it doesn't make any sense to go into more detail than the two FOREIGNERS. Ofc, the red hair is odd, but Shirou has it as well. Unless this is foreshadowing, Sakura would be much more surprised by foreigners, than a Japanese. Beautiful, maybe, but so is Rin, and Sakura isn't infatuated with Rin's looks even tho she's the school idol.
Cefaye chapter 3 . 2/21/2015
Saber is too harsh. Lull that down abit. It's starting to get irritating. And what's she wearing this whole time?

Also, what happened to Shirou worrying about school?
Cefaye chapter 2 . 2/21/2015
Boomerlancer strikes again xD
Kreyn chapter 7 . 2/2/2015
It's nice to see that you guys rely on opinions of readers that much, I like you story so I hope my answers will be of help.

(A) Are you guys content with current (True) Assassin (He isn't in the anime)?

I am not sure how much "content" I man with True Assassin, but I admit that he was villain which was useful for plot of story (I mean reader doesn't really have to LIKE villains per see, if they're satisfied with how protagonists deal with hurdles at them, then it is enough, to have have those hurdles thrown at them, villains are necessary). I believe that Kojiro's (yeah I know he not true, but it's better than saying "Assassin (T)/Assassin (F)), design is far cooler with, especially with acquiring god-like technique with martial arts talent and practice (which doesn't use magic and it should perfect move for Shirou to copy as it is mostly skill, I wonder why writers use this possibility so rarely), he also has intriguing personality.

On other hand it's hard for me to imagine Kojiro to fight in any other way than upfront, he isn't playing as "dirty" as Assassin is supposed to and since he is not that powerful (I mean that he is not Hercules's level of menace), he is basically not that much of "villain" necessary for protagonists to face. All in all I would say that Kojiro is better character, while Assassin is better villain and replacing Kojirou with Assassin, would demand putting something, or someone else in place of villain/hurdle for heroes to deal with

(B) Do you guys want to keep Misuzu-Lancer as a Master-Servant pair?

I think they make pretty good duo and honestly it would be bit harder to give Misuzu anyone else, it's pretty much easiest to detach Lancer from Kirei... other options with switching team-ups would be bit more difficult, for example I can't think of her teaming up with Heracles unless he would be sane and considering that he doesn't show much of personality in canon, it would pretty much demand getting him as OC and in different servant position. I absolutely not see Misuzu getting along with Medea at all... EMIYA... I suppose it could work, but that would demand breaking apart another good due of Rin and EMIYA... Other options would demand either inviting servant from outside F/SN, or an OC servant, with former being just bit easier, due to having at least bit info on them... but I can't think of any particularly suitable partner for Misuzu and making good OC is not that easy. I also like Lancer to be both kept in story and in good relationship with Shirou due to next question. I suppose it could somewhat kept if Lancer would remain in partnership Bazett (I like her) but I definitely want Misuzu to stay in story, which pretty much would bring us back to everything I wrote above about "If not Misuzu&Lancer, then who?" question.

(C) Should we have Lancer continuing to train Shirou in magecraft?

Definitely, Shirou would not only get to be taught magecraft by superior teacher (Lancer was said to be pretty good) someone who learned in age of gods, but also by someone who is both mage AND warrior, it's rare combination, that would be very suitable for Shirou (since he is pretty much in same category even if he is an fledgling at start) and only other person in that category, I could think of, would be Lancer's teacher, Scathach which is in a way interesting since she would definitelly get respect from Misuzu as strong female warrior-mage, (at least from little I know about Scathach's personality) and because she is known for training heroes, plus she is said to be bit like even more intensive Rin, and considering that in most scenarios Rin is Shirou's master... well... but that of course brings an OC problem I was talking about. Other idea on who should train Shirou... well it is probably impossible, but just to vent it and move with bit different approach than magecraft-warrior teacher (letting others teach Shirou magecraft) I always wondered about Shirou learning an Kyotouryuu (Katanagatari, you didn't watch it, your loss), but even if Shirou is sword incarnation it's not like he could learn overnight from Shichika... right? well that's just some thought I ha

(D) Do you think we should involve the 11 eyes characters more?

Dunno, I have no particular opinion on this topic, I don't think it is necessary, but at the same time I certainly wouldn't mind it if it would suitably enrich the story... the thing is though, I am type who likes stories centered around MC, so while I have no problem with bigger participation of 11eyes characters, but I would dislike if they would decrease MC's spotlight... this kind of thing.

(E) Should Shirou possess the Eye of Aeon?

I am bit of an Shirou-fanatic , so I am pretty much always up for giving him an power-upgrade (that's why I am so much for him receiving lessons) plus "Eye of Aeon" by itself intrigues me a bit and I wouldn't mind seeing it "in action" its's especially nice to think how Shirou could use it both close, and FAR range battle (be it bow or swordrain) with his abilities... and that not mentioning other uses of Eye of Aeon.

(F) How do you feel about the three way alliance between Shirou Misuzu and Rin?

Same way as for participation of 11eyes characters, if it gets story rolling then I am up for it, but I don't think it is that much of must... I guess I do feel bad about idea of Rin and Shirou becoming bitter enemies in this conflict and I prefer them to get along though...

(G) Thoughts on Misuzu's mother?

Again same, I don't have particular thought or idea how she should be used, nor I dislike current way... and again it all depends on role she would have... I guess contrast between her and stoic Misuzu is nice, though it's hard to think how remain cheerful with her family situation and after all years in Kusakabe household (they seem like major as*holes), but I guess it can be chalked up as her being person with that kind of strength.

(H) Kirei's distinct lack of Lancer leaves him with Gil, should we give him more screentime?

It's not like he had that much screen-time in canon originally. But I don't care either way, it's ok for me, if it does add to story and doesn't argue with preferences I mentioned before.

(I) Should we even rewrite the story?

I do like this story and definitely would like to see you guys continuing with it... BUT if you truly believe that you can overhaul it and make it even BETTER... then I would obviously arm myself in patience and wait for your work... do what you think is best.
phuxeds chapter 7 . 2/2/2015
I liked the current story quite a bit, so I'm only going to comment on that and one other thing.

The thing about crossovers that not many people at all do is actually cross the two series completely. Throwing character A into world B is technically a crossover, and can be really awesome, but it misses out on a lot of potential.

The stories that really shine are the ones where both world A and world B are featured and get heavy screen time and plot devoted to them. That, I think, would be what I would like to see in this story. Shirou and Misuzu are pretty close in the story right now, so let's say something happens in the 11eyes-verse after the Grail War ends. It's almost 100% guaranteed Shirou would help her out. That adds tons of content to the story by itself.

That said if you were thinking this story wasn't good enough and needed to be rewritten I'd say you're wrong, I didn't see much (if any) negative responses to it at all. Looking forward to whatever you decide.
Krysvun chapter 7 . 2/2/2015
I can't really say what you need to improve as I am not a writer myself, however, you can ask other experienced writers what you can improve. So I pray that you will be successful in this endeavor.
silverflame63 chapter 7 . 2/2/2015
Note: these are personal opinions either way this has been a good story.

(A) Are you guys content with current (True) Assassin (He isn't in the anime)?
(A) Meh, write you feel like writing – Frankly either one is good I’d really only care if you changed the summoning so Caster(Medea) summons Assassin(Jack the Ripper) as a daughter to help her somewhat odd family fantasy’s.

Note: this is a joke concept because this would unhinge the war with her Noble Phantasm Maria the Ripper: The Holy Mother of Dismemberment d-b rank curse takes out the female half of the masters easily Misuzu, Rin, Ilya, and Sakura.

(B) Do you guys want to keep Misuzu-Lancer as a Master-Servant pair?
(B) I don't really mind either way – Lancer is cool but other servants not in the original fate scenario exist, other possibilities include.
Caster(Tamamo no Mae) – with out using a catalyst for summoning I can kind of see Misuzu summoning her if her summoning is like Waver's and she summons someone who can benefit her as a person as she could benefit from having an overly cheerful servant to help with her some what cool and distant personality. although this kinda varies depending Misuzu herself since her cannon personality would probably change without her mothers suicide.
Saber(Nero) – the same a caster above although bad family conditions could help the summoning.
Rider(Astolfo) – essentially the same as caster and saber the only difference is Astolfo status as a trap and the fact the astolfo is one of the few heroic spirits without at least a somewhat miserable past.
Archer(Demon Archer/Oda Nobunaga) – the possibility to summon Oda could come from Misuzu act of seizing the five swords of the kusakabe clan. Although her summing would unbalance the war sense she can single handedly take out Berserker(Heracles) and Archer(Gilgamesh).

caster and saber could lead to a slight heram end sence there both bi and love there master caster slightly more than saber

(C) Should we have Lancer continuing to train Shirou in magecraft?
No, do not have Lancer mentor Shirou. (Review if you have an opinion on who should train him, if at all) lancer if summoned or any of my mentioned hero's
Caster(Tamamo no Mae) – As the facet of a goddess her knowledge and skill in Witch Craft ancient magecraft skill level EX is one of the few people who could possibly help shirou namely by helping him evolve UBW to use the first true magic Denial of Nothingness to make his projections stronger.
Saber(Nero) – If nero created her Aestus Estus as a smith she could help shirou with his magecraft and with imperial privilege there isant much she couldn't teach him.
Rider(Astolfo) – advanced swordsmanship plus could somehow become an anti-mage with the Casa Di Logistilla/ Luna break manual.
Archer(Demon Archer/Oda Nobunaga) – No clue?

(D) Do you think we should involve the 11 eyes characters more?
(D) Yes, but try to find a balance between 11 eyes and Fate.
Personally I believe that depends on if you end your story after the grail war or not or if it really long the original one lasted what two weeks.

(E) Should Shirou possess the Eye of Aeon?
(E) Yes, keep Eye of Aeon, I want to see what you guys do with it.
It would be interesting, I would like to see it although shirou compatibility would be odd with UBW it could help shirou master it faster.

(F) How do you feel about the three way alliance between Shirou Misuzu and Rin?
(F) I enjoy the dynamics, keep the same concept.
I do like it but it really depends on the reason Berserker(Heracles) and Archer(Gilgamesh) are strong but shirou alone kill's Gilgamesh even if he was holding back, and took what seven of Heracles lives with caliburn.

(G) Thoughts on Misuzu's mother?
(G) Keep her cheerful and all the mushy stuff.
I like it but wouldn't having her mother not commit suicide change Misuzu's personality a bit

(H) Kirei's distinct lack of Lancer leaves him with Gil, should we give him more screentime?
(H) I don't really mind either way.
Its really a matter of personal preference I do like the guy but he's not Caren so I don’t care that much.
OnlyDeadStoriesHere chapter 7 . 2/2/2015
A: Fake Assassin is cooler.
B: Lancer-Misuzu interactions are fine as is. Lancer is a pretty easy going guy, so there's no real need for 'serious' on his end outside of special circumstances.
C: Lancer mentoring Shirou is cool.
D: Why not? A balance between the two would be best.
E: I'm opposed to giving Shirou extra powers. His own skill set is powerful enough once properly developed.
F: No to the three way alliance. That would be all three knight classes on one team. That seems like it would sort of trivialize everything short of Gil.
G: No opinion.
H: Probably best to keep them in the shadows for a while. A lot of the participants wouldn't last very long if Gil started running around offing people.
I: Up to you, really. Whatever you guys are more comfortable doing.
Guest chapter 7 . 2/1/2015
Can't vote so I'll just write here. I don't think a rewrite is necessary, although I guess at least one of my votes would warrant a rewrite, either way I'm okay with this as are except for the Eye of Aeon on Shirou. He does fine as is in the visual novel.

Alright, so let's work through this. I don't mind if you keep True Assassin and don't really think him not being in the original FSN anime or UBW matters. Don't really mind Misuzu and Lancer pair, but if you got a better idea go for it. Eh, sure Lancer can train Shirou should Rin not be allied with them and he can't leech from Archer he'd be in a bad spot. Just keep in mind that Shirou's skill set is extremely specialized. Well I'm biased for this one as I don't know much about 11 Eyes, but I don't think they should be participating in the Grail War at the very least as Misuzu takes up the only open slot, well unless you count Bazette being dead somewhere. Either way as with all things I believe it's best left up to the writer and I don't really like votes, but I think things are fine as is with just Misuzu. Don't really want to derail the Grail War. Already answered Eye of Aeon, but I feel like it's best to just keep it out of the story.

I don't really mind the three way alliance, but maybe have Berserker be more active or something to warrant it. It's a little hazy, but I don't think the barrier in the school is a good enough reason for Rin. Got no real thoughts on Misuzu's mother, but from what I remember you did well. Well you shouldn't try to force yourself to include more Kirei, but if it works out like that, like Heaven's Feel where they needed him, then it's fine. His work is mostly behind the scenes and he's not all that active anyways. You could have Shirou visit him like in Heaven's Feel, if you really want to. Either way he doesn't need to be obvious to have an impact or needs to be there all that much in general.

Well that's it. I think it's best left up to you, but considering that you brought up a rewrite in the first place, I'm going to assume that you weren't satisfied with it in the first place. So go for it, as said I only really minded the Eye of Aeons but personally I don't think a rewrite is necessary. I also think it's better to just rewrite it now if you don't like something rather than leaving it to fester and possibly abandoning the story later on, because you can't get into it anymore.
ThePizziaMan chapter 7 . 2/1/2015
I think true assassin is cool. I like the 11eyes Shirou and Misuzu are have a nice relationship. Anyway you should decide if you want to rewrite or continue with what you have. I'll support you guys either way:)
MissGardenia chapter 7 . 2/1/2015
I didn't have issue with the way the story was going as it was but if you're really dying for a rewrite I guess do what you guys have to do. I mean, if you see things being jammed up moving forward because you've written yourself into a corner or something, then by all means.
ThePizziaMan chapter 6 . 12/20/2014
Cool I look forward to the next chapter, and Happy Holidays:)
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