|Reviews for Unto the Breach, One Last Time|
| Guest chapter 13 . 9/4
oh goodnesss deus ex machina dumbledorreeeeee
| Guest chapter 12 . 9/4
oh my gosh, hes so dramatic
| Guest chapter 11 . 9/4
lasj;flrahgwjefwja;fjl;skj;djfo;wjesdjgrjfrje what a realization! (also, lily is slightly...well actually very...conniving and selfcentered with this take on their friendship)
| Guest chapter 10 . 9/4
ahhaahaha snarky severus playing with their minds hahahaa
| Guest chapter 9 . 9/4
sdklcjsdhafgherakdjljsfdj wow, he's so cool.
| Guest chapter 8 . 9/4
ahahahahahaha he magically enhances his billows-of course hes that dramatic!
| Guest chapter 7 . 9/4
| Guest chapter 6 . 9/4
dude, he is so melodramatic hhhahahahaaa look at that master manipulation
| Guest chapter 5 . 9/4
OH NOOOOOOOO ALSJEFAHEWAEJFSJDF
| Guest chapter 4 . 9/4
i like his teaching style-definitely elegant!
| Guest chapter 3 . 9/4
thank you :D
| Guest chapter 2 . 9/4
lol dude, he's probably lying about the amortentia smell hahahaha
| Sedgehammer chapter 9 . 6/1
I wanted to leave a review at Chapter 10 because I think at this point, I've read enough to give you my impression.
Full Disclaimer: I always skim the final chapters before reading to ensure that the story reaches some semblance of a conclusion I'm happy with. I'm not overly strict about what that means, just that I don't want to be like... immensely disappointed with the time I spent reading. Needless to say, I was fine with this story here and was happy to read every word so far.
So, given that-I like the way you've characterized Severus. I think you have decent insight into his character in general, across all your stories. At this point in your story, something that stood out to me was how well you captured the way he can be completely dedicated to his mission but still also asserts himself. That's not easy to do, if you think about it. He could try to charm everyone else around them to make his life easier, but he doesn't. That makes it seem, to the reader, that he is not "merely charming" Hermione. He actually feels something toward her.
We don't know the full nature of his feelings, but there is hope for the reader. And I really like this place I'm at here at the end of Chapter 10. I think your pacing is excellent.
I always look at the total number of words and chapters and map out where I expect major plot developments to be (however they may unfold) based on the numbers and how familiar I am with reading fiction. This story you've written here is spaced out in such a way that I think everything works very well. There was no point where it dragged along.
You may be aware of this, but there are some typos in your stories on FFnet. Sometimes it's an omitted word (easily auto-corrected by the readers' brains as we go along), other times it's something like "the story uses 'flue' where it ought to be 'floo.'" This is not a major issue. If you wanted to write an original novel (or if you have already) and had an editor at a publishing company, these things would be ironed out in the process. You don't do it so often that I'd call it a problem.
If you ever want me to beta read for a story you're writing, especially if it's SSHG or something original, you can contact me at SionJesse at gmail dot com. I have done copyediting work before, so I am happy to go through and point out typos if you want that feedback. I can also give feedback on flow, pacing, character motivation-anything you need. Your writing is very good already, so I don't expect you need much feedback, but if you do, the offer stands.
Overall, I liked this take on the marriage law trope. I think the way you characterized her experiences with Ron feels "right" to me. I do think Severus is a better match for her by far.
| excessivelyperky chapter 13 . 3/1
Why on earth would Snape listen to anything Albus Dumbledore had to say about love, after the way he's been treated? (did Albus ever confess to keeping the Cloak that might have saved Lily? Why of course not!). Snape was worth less than Remus Lupin's education, and was always just a tool to Albus, and we all know it. One hopes that Snape won't bother talking to such lying paint again.
Snape should have blasted that portrait into shreds.
But he's better off with Hermione.
| excessivelyperky chapter 12 . 3/1
God, I love the smell of Evil Cliffie in the morning. You are soooo bad!
Excellent chapter. Magnificent Cliffie.