|Reviews for Fate: Denial of Destiny|
| Marshman101 chapter 3 . 1/30
| tsukishima7 chapter 3 . 4/8/2017
Please continue. You're one of the few that doesn't make Saito a slave. Its really a fresh change of breathe.
| LEE chapter 1 . 1/17/2017
VERY GOOD START ON A STORY GOOD PLOT LINE ALSO. PLEASE CONTINUE AND UPDATE.
| Inuyasha-loves-Hanyou-Kagome chapter 3 . 8/12/2016
Would you be planning to continue this story? Because I think that it's really good and would love to read more of it.
| Utsu Inu chapter 3 . 2/15/2016
First and foremost: you're making a mistake that many others have made. Remember, show don't tell. Several times you've simply typed out and explained things rather than using words to paint a clearer picture. Did we really need the two chapters after the prologue to go into detail of how much Saito loves Aoi? You kept telling that using lots of exposition text instead of showing us. In the prologue, you should have shown us Saito performing actions that shows that he cares for Aoi rather than going into too much detail. You need to let the reader figure out several things that are happening by using context clues. Don't dumb anything down for the audience, because we're smart enough to figure things out.
"His sister, who is also his girlfriend" This is an example. We don't need to read what we already know and has been established.
Second: You've exhausted the proclamation of love card. In the entire story thus far, you've written out exposition that only serves to explain things that we already know. By repeatedly telling us that they love each other, you've wasted much potential later down the line. For one, their parents finding out: you did not need to explain that right off the bat. Should someone question them about their relationship later down the line (and provided that they have earned enough of Saito's trust), then you could have used this scene then, and the scene would have left much more of an impact. By using proclamations of love in such a number and so early, you've exhausted their usefulness, and now we will not care when we hear about it again. You need to have build up, show us context clues that let us know that they care about each other. You might say offhandedly how they're not really blood related early on, only to go into much further detail when being confronted about this by another character later down the line. Give us clues to keep us and/or the cast of the story guessing. Familiar of Zero, at its core is also a romance story, so even though Saito and Aoi have a pre-existing relationship, SHOW us how deep it runs over the course of the story, this way you fill the story with actual content as opposed to simply filler.
Also, you're telling a lot of backstory too soon as well. Remember this crucial fact: we would not be reading this if we didn't know what the Familiar of Zero series was in the first place. We know of Colbert's past, but you don't need to re-tell it so soon as if you're trying to tell new readers, but instead later down the line when Saito and Aoi need to know so that you avoid pointless repetition. This only serves to annoy the reader since that information is supposed to be told to the protagonists seeing as how it's something they know from watching the series. Case in point: you yourself might avoid several series when you scroll this site looking for stories to read. You gloss over them because you don't know them, you would not click on a series that you know nothing about, and most authors of those stories know this so they exclusively write in such a way that caters more to a fan of what they are writing about, in other words: Know your audience. The backstory needs to be sprinkled out in fragments over the entire story instead of condensing it into one or two chapters. Some anime series have an entire episode dedicated to a character's backstory, but that's usually later down the line after we've gained some idea as to what it is and the episode is only supposed to confirm/debunk what we've seen thus far.
This story's premise is very interesting and has a lot of potential, but the way you're going about it needs a lot of work. I hope you take all of this into consideration in future stories.
| edboy4926 chapter 3 . 12/14/2015
Hope you continue
| edboy4926 chapter 2 . 12/14/2015
| edboy4926 chapter 1 . 12/14/2015
| szmtex chapter 3 . 10/21/2015
rly good story shame u stoped writing tho
| trying to be so oh original chapter 3 . 5/31/2015
| JIMIRMA chapter 3 . 12/31/2014
Wow this is great. I always hated how Saito forgave Luise for everything, so it's nice to see him being with someone else and acting logically for once. I really like how you didn't over did your characters, their development and personalities are both realistic. Also Saito was never intelligent, but very determent, it's good to see that determination put to good you.
| Kageneko Ruler chapter 3 . 12/1/2014
As she what can happen, I'm sure the war would still be going on. But, I'm sure that the whole "wandless" magic would spread because of the students. This can, in turn can end up involving the church.
| valerian07 chapter 3 . 10/11/2014
good start please continue
| Shimmer Stream chapter 3 . 9/16/2014
| Sky EXE chapter 3 . 9/11/2014
Things are definitely getting interesting. And although I have a feeling as to Aoi's true identity, I'll keep it to myself for the time being.