|Reviews for In the Cards|
| Disassembly of Reason chapter 1 . 12/3/2005
"He looked nervous enough to fall straight on the floor"
- I think "flat" rather than "straight" would read better here.
"It wasn't as if he was actually going to start *trying* in that class."
- Since Ron is speaking hypothetically, "were" should be used rather than "was" after the "if". Also, I suggest putting the emphasis on "that" rather than on "trying" - it's the particular class that's an issue, not skiving off generally.
"I should add two more: hogwash and tripe." This is a pretty good line, but it's undercut by adding "at his own joke" to the description of Ron's chuckling. If the reader couldn't see that this was a joke, the emphasis won't help much; it's just a little too heavy-handed to point out that it's a joke.
"He flipped over the first card: Death. *Is this Harry's deck?*"
:) Nice bit of creepy humour there, that Ron's immediate reaction to seeing the Death card is to assume he's got hold of Harry's deck rather than his own. (Death means "change" in a Tarot spread, I believe, so it's even apt for what's going on in Harry's life right now.)
Quibble: Why would Harry and Ron have identifiably different Tarot decks? Why wouldn't they have bought identical decks among their school supplies? (It doesn't seem likely that Trelawney would loan out her own supplies to her students, especially not easy-to-lose items like decks of cards.)
"The Queen of Coins." This is in my opinion a more interesting form of the card's name than "the Queen of Pentacles", one of the more standard names.
Nice touch, showing us the details that Ron is noticing about Hermione rather than just telling us that he's paying attention to her.
Quibble: Why would Ginny and Hermione, who are in different years in Defence Against the Dark Arts, have the same question on their homework assignments?
I don't think Hermione would be so dismissive of Muggle Studies. She only dropped it herself because her schedule was insanely overloaded, not because she thought it was worthless. She only had good things to say about it in PA, the year she took it.
The tone of Hermione's thoughts about Ron while she's concentrating on her homework may be intended only to convey that she's *very* involved in her homework. However, Hermione ends up sounding a bit less clueful about her feelings towards Ron (and vice versa) than I would have expected.
On the other hand, I quite enjoy Ron's reaction to the Queen of Coins: wanting to bury his head in "something that would hide him until he turned thirty or so". Blaming the card for the fact that Hermione noticed him staring at her is a nice touch. It's in character and it's funny.
Hmm. Not surprising, on reflection, that the pictures on wizarding Tarot decks would be moving.
"If a stranger with long hair and a French accent tries to seduce you in the middle of the night" - I take it that Defence Against the Dark Arts is covering vampires again? One possible inconsistency in the work Hermione's doing - although this line in particular makes for entertaining reading - is that her essay doesn't seem to be covering any single topic. It's jumping around from counter-curses that also appeared on Ginny's homework (one class behind Hermione, same teacher and subject) in "What If?" to Potions to this apparent reference to vampires. I'd suggest picking one topic and running with that, if the story is ever revised.
"She took out her Ancient Runes book and translated 'Ronald Weasley is a complete idiot' into several nearly dead languages."
I *like* that line. But I thought the definition of a dead language was that there were no living native speakers of it. A "nearly dead language", I suppose, would be a language like Cornish in the last generation in which anyone still spoke it, wherein only a handful of people were brought up speaking it. Hermione using dead languages I could understand, but "nearly dead" languages, while funny, isn't conveying clearly what the author means.
:) I like the general reaction of "it's about time!" It must be rather trying sometimes to watch those two on a daily basis.
- "Gryffindor Common Room" - "common room" in JKR's usage should not be capitalized.
- "tarot cards" - Tarot should be capitalized
- "fortune telling" - The SOED says this should take a hyphen.
| Lizzy Weasley chapter 1 . 4/26/2005
I love your sequel! It's so funny:
'Suddenly, from everywhere in the Common Room, applause came. Looking around, Ron saw that everyone was looking at the pair of them. His own brothers were the leaders of the noise making, yelling, "It’s about bloody time!"'
I couldn't stop laughing!
| Luna chapter 1 . 6/21/2004
Haha, that was so perfectly Ron and Hermione! Yay! I like your writing a lot, I think I'm gonna go through and read any of your fics that catch my eye. Whee!
| nobodyhereanymore chapter 1 . 10/16/2003
There should be a word that means giggle.
Wait, did I just type that? God, i must be tired. Or demented. One or the other. But I digress...
Excellent two stories by the way. _
| Ron Weasley2 chapter 1 . 8/7/2003
*takes mind out of gutter* thank you for telling me. anyway, awesome sequel! it rocked! i am going to go and check out your other stories!
| l'Ange de Morte chapter 1 . 3/6/2003
This was sweet too!
| Miss Zippitydodah chapter 1 . 1/20/2003
hahaha Queen of Coins...thats was quite good. i enjyed it, and i assure you it was a satisfactory sequel, and i also like to waste space writing disclaimers.
| Lip Gloss Whore chapter 1 . 12/30/2002
This is wonderful! n_n! I love it! There better be more o_O;! -twitch- Anyway, this is beautifully written, absolutly wonderful! OREOS! And goodday luvvy!
| GinnyWPotter chapter 1 . 12/11/2002
::giggles:: Aaaw. _ I liked the Monty Python reference in the AN. The Queens should approve. ::giggles:: ...wow. Yeah. I'm giggly today. And rambly. That's what happens when you're stressed, I suppose...
| Margarita Mocha chapter 1 . 12/10/2002
That was great. I love your writing!
| Krum-Luver chapter 1 . 10/6/2002
Awwwwww! so cute! I like it! Now you gotta go read one of MINE, lol!
| pleasedeletemyaccount chapter 1 . 10/2/2002
I really enjoyed this! Very sweet.
One thing, though: When Hermione's criticising Ron's subject choice, she thinks: "Honestly, of all the things he could apply himself to, he chose Transfiguration." It seems that you mean 'Divination' here.
| Adnap Nottap chapter 1 . 10/1/2002
Awwwww! That's SO cute! I love your stories. They're so good! So well written! That was so adorable! Ok...I think you know what I think about it now :) You should definately write more HP stories. You're awesome! I'd read the other ones but I don't really know DBZ...I'll tell my friend to read them, she's obsessed :)
| carlyd chapter 1 . 10/1/2002
Very cool, but what do Ron's other two cards say? Harry got to have two cards revealed! That's hardly fair now is it?