|Reviews for Destroyer of Olympus|
| Ruze a Koure chapter 1 . 1/2
The first thing I note about this story is that you start it in a very odd situation – Percy, running through darkness, without a single hint of where or when this story is meant to be set or indeed what Percy is doing.
Your writing is also remarkably, remarkably bland, which is something I noticed almost immediately. Every sentence is quite formulaic, your descriptions are simple and there’s no atmosphere to any of it. “Percy does X. X is Y. “XYZ,” says Percy. Percy does X.” It makes this unpleasant to read, because, although many people may say that writing does not matter, the writing is the only thing that conveys your story and everything in it to the readers. Your writing is technically quite childish in this way – although people may warn you against purple prose, at least that is more interesting than this beige writing you are currently churning out.
“Wrinkly” jacket? I think the adjective you are looking for is “wrinkled”. Wrinkly suggests that it is an inherent state of the object, e.g. someone may have wrinkly skin, whereas wrinkled indicates a state inflicted upon the object, for example, the jacket in your story.
Rampant Britishisms throughout – “Mum” - Mom, “grey” - gray, realised - “realized” etc. As you are writing an American-set story, with an American protagonist, originally written by an American author, you ought to remain faithful to American idioms and grammar.
You should restrict your use of parentheses in the story also. If a detail is necessary to include, it should be important enough to include in the story proper, denoted by commas if need be.
You wrote: Percy felt like she was seeing through him; as if he was being x-rayed.
Correct: Percy felt like she was seeing through him… as if he was being x-rayed.
OR Percy felt like she was seeing through him - as if he was being x-rayed.
This is the incorrect use of the semicolon. A semicolon is most commonly used to link (in a single sentence) two independent clauses that are closely related in thought.
I’ve never read the PJO characters swearing on Styx – they typically swear on the RIVER Styx. Without the classifier, it comes off as stilted and unnatural.
I’m really not detecting any emotion from Sally. “Those feelings made it hard” – she has lost her only son and child, things would be a bit worse than merely just “hard” for her, don’t you think? Then, you say that she lost her motivation “to do stuff” – very vague, almost laughably so. Percy goes missing, so Sally can’t do… stuff. You know, general stuff.
Why are these details necessary? Why does Percy need to know about Sally’s relationship to caffeine?
I also feel as though the gore is a little misplaced – not because it seems out of place in the Olympian universe, but because it comes across as unnecessary… like a teenager writing an ‘edgy, dark’ story, the details seem arbitrary and unneeded. I’m not sure if the humour inherent in the use of a spork was intended, although I took it as a friendly nod to Das Mervin.
You seem to have difficulty with the use of paragraphs – these should be used for connected thoughts or ideas. What does Paul have to do with nightmares? Your transitions between ideas are difficult to follow.
Here, your language becomes too stilted and way too formal – “the invisible entity then became violent”. This seems like something more suited to a report or letter format, not something Sally is telling her son in a panic.
You have a tendency to overuse saidisms - large words that mean 'said,' designed to connote additional information not conveyed in dialog or description. If used to excess, they result in overwriting: ‘SAID’ is infinitely less distracting than “she remembered”. She is telling Percy a memory, that implies in and of itself that she is remembering!
Again with the parentheses – did Gaea add in the details about hoping for Annabeth? You cannot speak parentheses! And why does she change tenses? “Hopefully, it will be Annabeth” is grammatically correct. And Gaea uses “by the way”? You seem to have horribly mangled Gaea’s speech patterns to some approximation of Riordan’s careful blend of modern and archaic speech. Also, apparently Gaea is a Bond villain now who needs to monologue before she can actually get anything done.
At the end of the day, not “they day”.
“His clench became tighter and tighter” – I cannot put my finger on it, but this seems wrong.
Also, we can debate on whether the reason Percy does not swear is because he is the hero of a children’s series, but the fact is is that in canon, Percy does not swear. Some teens don’t! And so it comes across as strange and OOC to have him outburst like this.
The Minotaur does not speak. In canon or mythology.
Italics are usually preferable over capital letters.
Holes could not be poked in her eyes. Eyeballs would burst under this kind of pressure - applied without caution, and pulled out again roughly would probably do more than merely ‘poke holes’. And that is the crux of why I dislike your use of gore – because you do not use it. It’s an attempt to prompt a disgusted, visceral reaction from the reader, but because your writing is so bland, we do not feel that at all! The Minotaur rips off Sally’s jaw – that’s all the description we get. Surely there was a sound? Surely Percy hasn’t gone blind? If you are going to have gore, you must engage all the senses involved – including thought. All Percy does is widen his eyes in response to this happening/
Correct: “Don’t worry,” the Minotaur said.
Incorrect: “Don’t worry” the Minotaur said.
When was her tongue torn out? I doubt the Minotaur tore the jaw off cleanly, and I have personally known people with blown-off lower jaws who still had some tongue left.
None of this seems emotional in the slightest – Percy is screaming profanity and I could not care less. Where is his emotional reaction? Where is his feelings of loss, guilt, shock? He just starts screaming – and despite our apparent presence in his head, we have no clue as to what he is thinking.
Or maybe we’re not in his head – you switch POV to Sally to tell us of her consciousness. Bad form! Until now, the POV has been limited.
Extending words with the use of extra letters comes off as childish. Rather than “noooooo” to denote a yell, use italics!
The past tense of ‘to lie’, referring to the body movement, is lay. Not lied.
And that’s all I’m really bothered to do, because next we go into OOC Ron the Death Eater territory and your grammar deteriorates even further, so yeah.
Hope this helps. Keep writing!
| belgarion262 chapter 4 . 12/16/2014
Please Sir, Can I have some more :)
| Stuff chapter 4 . 9/22/2014
Please update more often
| Bubbles chapter 4 . 9/1/2014
Okay, so a few things.
First off, this does not fit with Percy Jackson canon. The level of gore just doesn't fit with it in any way. Second, saying a character was just pretending to be good/evil is an extremely lazy writing technique, and makes everyone OOC. Flipping canon the bird damages the fic. Try coming up with a reason that fits with canon. Third, all of this is very OOC. The Minotaur suddenly able to talk, Percy cussing and aiding and abetting torture, it's very OOC. You also seem to have some real life issues - minors like Percy would not be able to purchase alcohol, and where would he get a dependable source of money to hire prostitutes and drink every minute of the day? Finally, the idea of /anyone/ just helping someone who severely injured them is ridiculous. If Percy had been in Jigsaw's company for several months, so the only human interaction with anyone is with him helping, it would be believable. Jigsaw saying, "Hey, wanna do evil with me?" and Percy just saying yes is stupid.
| Daisy chapter 3 . 4/26/2014
This was great!
When will you update? PLZ do ASAP...
| Lindsey7618AwesomeasPercabeth chapter 2 . 2/19/2014
Wow. Also,unless you live in Australia, realise is spelled realize. I like this. I hope Percy tears down Olympus even though in the books, I'd kill Rick if it happened. But in the books, Poseidon CARES for Perce. And where's Annabeth?
| Lindsey7618AwesomeasPercabeth chapter 1 . 2/13/2014
| Just Anny chapter 2 . 1/29/2014
I always like revenge!Percy fanfics and this one this very interesting... unique... different... I like it :)
| PJandLGequalsLove chapter 1 . 12/23/2013
Very interesting please update soon