|Reviews for Fire Emblem Awakening Retold|
| ajani's apprentice chapter 10 . 3/31
Ooh, Kellam got the 'honor' of saving Sully, not Virion. Maybe he's Kjelle's father?
Also, for anyone seeing this, can you please PM me and tell me how Kjelle's name is pronounced?
| ajani's apprentice chapter 9 . 3/31
Frederick is proving to be very wise in this fic. I like that. The role suits him.
By the way, I thought the first failure was going to be about Emmeryn, not this. Good job catching me of guard.
| ajani's apprentice chapter 8 . 3/31
Ryan was right. He seriously could've risked the whole mission with that comment about the Khan being a man. Thankfully Flavia isn't one to be 'hurt' by that type of thing.
| ajani's apprentice chapter 7 . 3/31
Aww, I wanted to hear how Chrom and Sumia met. Dang it.
And poor Kellam. No one hears him. He is one of my favorite characters.
| ajani's apprentice chapter 6 . 3/31
Good. Some more sensibility, regarding the mark of Grima and Robin's obvious Plegian coat, from Frederick and Phila is good.
And since when is Sumia's hair green? I mean, I guess I can kind of see it but I really think it's a dark blonde, near brown.
And nice job making an explanation as to why the group didn't just heal the Pegasus with a staff. Unless that was already in game. I don't remember.
| ajani's apprentice chapter 4 . 3/31
Hmm, so we're going with the idea that someone actually recognizes the mark. Good.
| Dane Namor chapter 9 . 11/23/2014
Accidently sent the review before I'd finished typing it, sorry.
To continue, I'll say, yes, I was surprised at how few reviews this has and that it's actually been a really enjoyable ride. I enjoyed it a lot more than I expected when I opened it on a whim.
To explain, I'm wary often of retellings of FE:A (There's a million of them, it's a very common idea and few have anything important to add) and especially of stories that use a different name for Robin (that's just a personal peeve, makes him more likely to be a SI I feel though).
I think the biggest problem with retellings is that the story is just huge. If you have any sort of grand plans then you're looking at a simply massive story, 30-40 chapters easily. So far you haven't added a whole lot besides what we've seen in the game (mostly just fleshing out the game's narrative a little) and that's fine, it keeps things tighter, but if that changes you're definitely looking at a massive time investment. I mean, you only need to look at Invisible Ties which is at 60 chapters already. It's a big project that not a lot of authors have enough stamina for.
The other problem is it becomes tempting and sometimes even ideal to use a lot of dialogue straight out of the game.
This is actually something you run into quite a bit here, in some sections you've expanded on or given new twists to the dialogue that keeps it interesting or fresh, but in others it's literally just a few pages of dialogue copy pasted from the game without anything new added. I may be in the minority, but I've read all this stuff a hundred times already, my eyes just glaze over it. Not so much with the minor stuff, but for any major scene, it's been done and if you don't add anything new we've seen it.
The strongest example of this is the first chapter, which while I recognise that it's hard to avoid, every single retelling (and many non retellings) have told this scene with various degrees of skill/depth. I've read it all so many times it's just so boring I could not care less. I skim read through the entire chapter.
Conversely the next two premonition chapters were interesting and actually got my attention because they were new, added new details and set up some scenes I haven't seen before. You could quite literally delete the entire first chapter and I doubt very little of the story would be lost on the vast majority of your readers, and that's a shame.
I don't want to come across to hard on that point though, because of course that has a delicate balance in that often the game tells the story well, you don't need to or want to add more to it. You can just end up overloading or detracting from it.
Anyhow, the things you have added I've mostly enjoyed. Frederick especially, I think far, far, too many people portray him as either innefectual or psychopathically paranoid. Here, if anything, he's more like Chrom than he'd like to let on, letting a suspicion about Ryan slide because he's hoping for the best. I think this is a lot closer to the games interpretation (perhaps not nescessarily that early, but it's where he ends up) than most people get and I really enjoyed it.
Otherwise, overall a good story, one I'm personally following now and looking forward to more from.
There's one final point though, probably the single biggest thing that detracts from this, something that blows me out of the story and makes me wince everytime I see it. You really, really need to tighten up your homophones.
Are: "We ARE going to do this!" or "We'RE going to do this!"
Our: "This is OUR country!"
Their: "THEIR luck has left them!"
They're: "THEY'RE gonna regret this!" (They Are if you can say "They are" then it's they're)
There: "It's over THERE."
Your: "It's YOUR sword!"
You're: "YOU'RE the captain!" (You Are. If you can say "You are" then it's you're)
No-one's perfect, I know I've got mistakes like this strewn throughout my stories personally, but it's really, really bad here. Sentences like "Do you think you're the first Ylisseans to try cross ARE border?" is just painful to read.
You've got "Were" instead of "We're" but the most common mistake seems to be Are and Our, so more than anything, I'd focus on tightening that up. If you can just fix that then instantly the rest isn't quite so bad in comparison.
| Dane Namor chapter 10 . 11/23/2014
It's surprising to me, both that it's taken me so long to find this story and how few reviews it's gotten!
| jak3615 chapter 10 . 11/11/2014
good chapter look forward to the next
| jak3615 chapter 9 . 5/31/2014
good chapter look forward to the next
| NoNameAvailable Bis chapter 7 . 3/26/2014
An excellent story so far, I must say. Strong characterizations, clear descriptions, solid action scenes and a good dose of common sense do make a winning combination. I especially liked the chapter taking place in the future timeline, a great introduction for what I feel are one of the best part of the game.
So far, Ryan makes a nice protagonist, which I feel is really important (hard to follow a story were you can't stand the main character), sympathetic, competent without being an over-the-top god-mode fighter, and he doesn't hog the spotlight to himself, which is always nice in my book.
Minor nitpick : be careful, I noticed some small typo's, with some mixup with they're/their/there, we're/were, and you tend to write silver sliver. Nothing much, really. Oh, and I was a bit confused, did you describe Sumia's hair as green? They looked grey to me, but I suppose that's debatable.
Anyway, I'll await your next update eagerly!
| laFia chapter 6 . 1/29/2014
Well, look at what we have here. An update! Nice to see it's still on going. And yes, the length does make worth the wait. There are still several mistakes I found, but overall the story flow is improving. The scenes feel smoother compared to previous chapters, so good job on that.
| laFia chapter 4 . 12/31/2013
Looking good so far. I can see the added details here and there which is quite smooth and spicing things up, for now I guess. But I'm wondering whether you are going to stay strictly with canon story? Or are there going to be some of your own twists?
| Gunlord500 chapter 1 . 12/29/2013
There are some mistakes here and there, like "Up their!" should be "Up there!" Nothin big, though, just be careful about editing and you'll be fine. :)
| laFia chapter 2 . 12/27/2013
I can notice some mistakes here, though they aren't so big that they hinder me from enjoying the story. I think you make a good opening story here, it looks quite promising so far. Definitely going to keep a tab on this.
As for the pairs I think I already got some pictures here... you are doing: Chrom/Sumia, Stahl/Cordelia, Frederick/Lissa, Lon'qu/Sully, Henry/Olivia, and Gaius/Tharja? The rest are still blur for me, especially Panne lol.