|Reviews for That Place Between Hope and Despair|
| Clarobell chapter 1 . 12/27/2013
So! Here we are again :) the beginning is much better than the first time I read it. It was a bit of a shell then, but I can see you’ve made a vast improvement. There’s still a couple hiccups along the way, mostly grammatical. I can see you use time descriptions a long ‘For a moment’ ‘he took a minute’, ‘he took a moment, ‘for just a moment’. They’re not always necessary so watch out for that.
E.g. ‘After taking a moment to snap the stems down to a more manageable size’ could have been something like ‘Kotetsu swallowed awkwardly and felt suffocated by the silence of the room. His hands fidgeted restleslly until they settled on the stems of the boquet and he set to work snapping them to a more manageable size for the empty vase beside his friends bed.’
It’s not a big change but it breaks up the time descriptions from ‘he did this then he did that’ to a more flowing description of what’s happening.
You need to watch out for using the samegeneral description too often as well.
E.g. ‘This place could use a little cheering ’s a little too creepy for me otherwise’. You use the word ‘little’ in two sentences one after another and it reads a little weird. Nothing major but something to watch out for.
I like how you added more detail to the soccer/football thing, but I still think it could use more. Maybe adding a little reminiscing? Something like ‘Kotetsu wished Antonio would lunge from the bed, grab him in a headlocka dn scold him about the ‘proper’ word for the sport, but his best friend remained still a silent and Kotetsu swallowed back the lump in his throat as he tried to keep up the conversation.’ – it adds a little more feeling and background into why the word ‘soccer’ would annoy him, but once again it’s not a huge deal.
I like the idea of the memories, but I think stating ‘a few memories flashes through his mind’ is a little amateurish. You can probably word that a little more elegantly :D
I loved the idea of antonio’s sister declaring she would marry kotetsu. You could probably even work with that a little. I could imagine kotetsu teasing Antonio about it after being taken aside for a talk. It’s a fun idea to think of.
You’re writing is a lot smoother than the original copy here, but I’ve spotted you slipping you tenses a little – ‘Kotetsu could feel his heart fill’ should perhaps be ‘kotetsu felt his heart fill’? You’re also inserting the word ‘then’ where it’s not needed again – watch out for it.
When you mentioned Antonio making a dumb joke or poking fun at kotetsu, all I could imagine was him flexing his muscles shirtless, telling kotetsu he had enough strength to protect hima dn not to worry like a sissy girl. ._. Wow.
I like the change in attitude towards the end but it does seem a little fast. I get that kotetsu is trying to be upbeat but it almost seems like he’s trying a little too hard? I don’t know, something just feels ‘off’ about that paragraph.
Okay! Overall a nice little oneshot. You conveyed emotions well, told a short story and left us readers to decide where it goes. It delves into Antonio and kotetsu’s relationship a little which is pretty fun but just floats around in the shallows leaving us once again to delve deeper in our own minds about their friendship. Good job, but watch out for those little grammar habits!
| Kotetsu T. Kaburagi chapter 1 . 12/27/2013
You should really change your name to "Veronica the goes absolutely NOWHERE." WHY do you keep DOING THIS?! You create what could be an amazing story, and then just CUT IT OFF! Do you know how frustrating that is to a reader?! I love reading your fanfics but MY GOD GO SOMEWHERE WITH IT! You have good starts to what could be amazing chaptered stories if you just put some EFFORT into making them! I'm using caps on the key points on purpose to get through to you the importance of why you don't leave an audience hanging and teasing them with a potentially nailbiting drama with no delivery. You don't understand just how infuriating it is to me and most likely the rest of your readers, to read such amazing starts only to have it end again and again and AGAIN! PLEASE for the love of GOD stop doing this! If you're going to make something so good don't end it at chapter one! I seriously don't know why you would do this to someone over and over again! I'm going to stop ranting now because I really don't know what else I can say except: Learn to commit!