I've been meaning to post this for months now, but I usually send these kinds of things to my friend to read over first. But now that we've finished school and she doesn't have internet at her home, I can't really get a second opinion on this. So just read it and let me know your thoughts :P
"Voi! What the fuck am I doing here?"
Squalo's sharp eyes narrowed as they glared at the surrounding trees as if it were their fault he was standing in the middle of nowhere with nothing but a flashlight, a camera and a piece of paper that read, Collect all eight notes. But what fucking notes?
"Fucking Bel…!" Squalo scrunched the piece of paper up and threw it on the ground behind him. "I should have known better than to listen to that shithead when he told me the boss has a mission here for me… What mission? There's fucking nothing here…! Fucking brat and his ideas of practical jokes…"
Squalo started walking down the path he was standing on, making his way towards a large tree standing by its lonesome. He was trying to work out just how he had gotten here in the first place; it was almost as if he had just poofed here from the Varia Headquarters. If he didn't remember driving his car out here, he probably would have assumed that was what had happened.
"When I get my hands on Bel - ooh, a note." Squalo reached out with a gloved hand, pulling paper from the tree. "'Don't look, or it takes you'? Voi! Bel, you little bastard! Did you plant a heap of Mosca robots here or something?!"
The silver-haired man really didn't know why he was yelling at Bel when the younger male was all the way back in Headquarters, however far from here that was.
The Varia Rain Guardian continued walking. He walked. And walked. And walked some more. There was also a bit of jogging in there somewhere. But mostly he walked. And of course, damned Bel to the deepest pits of Hell, with promises of sending him there himself when he came back.
"Voi! Why the fuck did I throw that first piece of paper away?" Squalo was mentally hitting himself for chucking the paper that told him how many notes there were away - he had been far too busy planning how he could kill the Varia Storm for doing this to him to remember how many there were. "Now I've got to turn the fuck around and find that stupid piece of - Voi!"
Squalo's eyes widened as he spun around, coming face-to-face - well, that term is inappropriate as the…ahem… thing standing behind him didn't have a face - with what looked like a giant octopus wearing a suit.
Do octopi wear suits? Squalo didn't give a shit if they did or not - this one did.
Squalo had never screamed before in his life - unless you counted the constant screaming of words directed towards his comrades, something that happened every time he opened his mouth - and he was just now finding that, while he was pissing his pants, he sounded a lot like a girl when he screamed. In fear. Not just in his natural I'm-on-my-period-so-I'll-scream-everything-at-you way.
The Rain Guardian ran as fast as he could, only to start slowing down and panting as if he were an obese turtle on steroids. He vaguely wondered what would happen if the Bucking Horse gave his turtle steroids when it was in its Turtlezilla mode - and then remembered that he'd probably never find out if he didn't hurry the fuck up!
"Why the fuck am I running so slow?!" Squalo shouted at no one in particular, trying to force himself to run faster - he couldn't be entirely sure, but he was almost certain he had never been as slow as this.
To the man's convenience, he was running towards a ute with a few boxes in the back of it. Grabbing one, he threw it blindly behind him, praying to a god that was probably laughing its ass off at him that it hit his pursuer.
"Take my box - don't take my soul!" Squalo screamed as he moved to run behind the car - only to slam his knee into the tow-bar.
Falling to the ground with a dramatic cry of pain that would put Lussuria to shame, Squalo grabbed his knee, screaming as he prepared himself for tentacle rape.
To his surprise, the tentacle rapist - as Squalo had now dubbed it - was gone, and Squalo had no idea where he had left his car, much less where he had started from.
Getting back to his feet and limping in a most melodramatic manner that no Varia member should ever so much as consider doing lest they look like an actor in a low-budget horror movie, Squalocouldn't believe his luck when he found another building - one that was clearly not locked this time (whoever lived in that shack by the ute must be insane with tentacle rapists running around out here!)
Shining the flashlight ahead of him as he held the camera close - why it was even here, he had no fucking clue - Squalo ran into the building, only to find himself lost already with the winding corridors. It never did occur to him to just spin around and walk back outside, retracing his steps.
"Voi!" Squalo roared as he continued to limp through the halls, peeking into each dead end room he passed.
Sighing in relief, Squalo believed he was safe in here from the tentacle rapist, considering he was in a building that didn't even have doors.
Turning back around to find somewhere to hide until morning, Squalo let out another girlish scream as he found the tentacle rapist was directly behind him. In the corner of a room. Where the only way in was opposite them both. Did that thing teleport or something? Squalo should surely have seen it sneaking around to get behind him like this.
Jumping backwards, Squalo ducked into a corner, rocking back and forth as he muttered with wide eyes, "Don't rape me, tentacle rapist…" over and over again like a mantra.
It was going to be a long night.
Xanxus roared with laughter at Squalo's screams, while Belphegor and Lussuria giggled. Leviathan, the useless person he was, just stood behind the couch the other three were sitting on, trying to see what they were watching on Bel's laptop.
"So the camera you gave him feeds it all back to your laptop?" Lussuria laughed as he ruffled blond hair. "Very smart of you, Bel-chan."
"I am a prince." Belphegor giggled again.
Xanxus just continued to laugh hysterically, not caring the slightest for his Strategy Captain.
"Hey, what happens if this 'Slenderman' catches Squ-chan?" Lussuria asked, only just now bringing up the problem that Belphegor had neglected too think much on. His two teammates looked at each other with this question.
"Woops." Belphegor laughed. "I didn't think of that."
With that out in the open, three sets of eyes turned back to the laptop, pissing themselves laughing at their Commander's expense.
Needless to say, when Squalo returned back to the Varia mansion several weeks later (how he had gotten away was a mystery as his camera battery had soon died, much to the displeasure of his viewing 'comrades'), his hair was several shades whiter, falling out, and never 'Voi!'ed again.
And whenever Belphegor put on a suit and a white panty over his face (which he had found in Lussuria's room but shuddered to think what he used them for) and stood over Squalo's bed in the middle of the night waiting for him to wake up, the poor, traumatised man cried like a little girl, curling up in the foetal position and rocking as he muttered something about 'too many tentacles' and 'tentacle rape'. This was Belphegor's new favorite hobby, much to the amusement of the others (except for Squalo, but he had never been any fun at parties).