Disclaimer: Not Mine
A/N: Thank you to JediSapphire for the quick beta
Summary: Its been two days since Sam ejected Gadreel. It happened right after Dean told Sam the entire truth about the Angel possession, tricking him into saying yes and with that the knowledge of all the lies Dean told to cover it up.
It was after midnight when Dean quietly entered Sam's room and left a note for him on the bedside table. He'd had every intention of slipping in and out quickly but the sight of Sam asleep, innocence that always stole his heart had Dean questioning what he was about to do. Was it the right move now? Would it help his brother work through this and most importantly would it be a pathway for Sam to eventually forgive him?
Dean grabbed the duffel he'd left packed at the bottom of the steps and with a heavy heart began to climb them.
"So leaving is your idea of working things out," Dean startled by his brother's voice, turned to see Sam at the bottom of the steps holding the note.
"No Sammy. I just thought a little space right now might be what you need," Dean took in how visibly hurt his brother looked.
"I have been trying to absorb what you told me Dean and work throught this. Its been just a few days."
"I just thought some time to yourself might make it easier for you, to sort things out."
"Don't you mean easier for you Dean?"
"No," Dean replied emphatically. "I'll do whatever it takes to fix us."
"And you thought sneaking out in the middle of the night and leaving a note would do that?"
"Honestly I thought me not being around for a few days might be what you want with how angry you've been."
"Well you thought wrong," Sam answered in a uneven voice as he walked away.
Dean found himself again quietly entering his brother's room. This time he found Sam sitting on the edge of the bed with his head buried in his hands.
"Sam," Dean said softly taking a seat beside him.
But before Dean could think of what to say next he found Sams arms wrapped around his neck. "I don't want you to leave."
"Then I won't," Dean smiled wrapping his arms around Sam pulling him closer and tightening the embrace. He needed this physical closeness and his brothers words to stay.
"Half of me understands everything you did Dean to save my life and is very grateful. But the other half of me is so angry at you for lying to me all this time and for tricking me into saying yes. It was you taking over again and making decisions for me."
"I think the second half of you should listen to the first half," Dean joked.
"Dean," Sam's tone was a pleading one.
"You're right Sammy about my need to jump in and take over," Dean admitted. "But it's not for the reason you think."
"Then why Dean?" Sam asked. "Put aside the joking and just talk to me."
"Okay," Dean began but was having difficulty, opening up.
"It's me Dean, you are safe with me."
Its true Dean thought to himself. The only time he's ever felt safe in his life was with Sam. So he tried again. "My need to be in control, to take over a situation it's never been because I think you can't handle things Sammy. I know you can, and that you are capable of anything. Whenever I grab the reins from your hands, its done to protect you because if there's danger involved and something goes wrong, I want it to be me that gets hurt, or worse not you."
"When it comes down to it Sammy I'm just scared."
"Of what Dean?"
"Of losing you. Its my biggest fear, it always has been. I've tried to control you because of that fear and I've pushed you away and hurt you badly to escape it. But what happened in the church the night the Angels fell, almost losing you, knowing that you wanted to die because of my impossible expectations. I knew I had to change and I thought of that night as a new beginning for us, in our relationship. But then you were in a coma and dying and I did the best I could."
"Dean," Was all Sam could say but it carried everything it needed to.
"I hope I get points for turning myself into a little girl," Dean joked feeling exposed and extremely uncomfortable.
"No," Sam said softly. "You get them for being honest. I know that wasn't easy for you to say."
"Sammy can we fix this?"
"Don't you know me by now Dean?" Sam looked at him lovingly amused.
Dean did know Sam and that he loved without conditions and that he forgave easily. But Dean couldn't hide the guilt, feeling he didn't deserve to get off this easy as when the tables were turned he had held a seemingly endless grudge. Unwilling to let go and forgive. No length of punishment seemingly enough for Sam for believing he was doing the right thing."
"Stop it Dean!" Sam's booming voice got his attention.
"How did you... ?"
"Because its written all over your face."
"I can't help but feel this way," Dean confessed. "Not after the way I treated you when..."
"New beginning Dean," Sam interrupted to remind him.
"What ever you need Sammy to get to that point again."
"Just time, while we get back to our Angel problem.
"We can get back to that after you rest and get better. Gadreel didn't quite finish his job healing you," Dean closed his eyes realizing he'd just decided this alone. "Thats just a suggestion of course Sammy."
"A good suggestion," Sam smiled then his expression grew serious. "Dean I might want you to take the training wheels off my bike. But please don't ever stop watching out for me."
"Never," Dean said feeling his heart warm.