"Where have you been?!"
"What are you talking about?"
"Duh! You were supposed to call me… like two hours ago! I've been worried!"
"No, you weren't."
"Hel-loo! I was too!"
"Pfft, you just missed me. Or you just missed having someone to gossip with."
"That's so not true… although, oh, my God, I have to tell you who I ran into at the grocery store!"
"Jessica! And she was not with Mike-y. That ship has done sailed and gone!"
"Well, who was she with?"
"You remember, that hot ass leggy brunette that we saw her with that time at Starbucks… you know the one she was 'best friends ever' with?"
"How do you know tha–"
"Uh… she had her tongue down Jess's throat."
"You know, I'd say poor Mike… but I can't."
"I know, right! He's such a loser. I gave her a thumbs up."
"Speaking of Mike, what the hell is this document on my table?"
"Don't you dare act like you don't know."
"Ummm, it's your free and clear inspection report from the Health Department?"
"Alice, it's written in pink ink and it has hearts where the periods are supposed to be. And there's a Cheetos thumbprint at the top. It doesn't even look remotely authentic. I mean, could you not have at least typed it out?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"You never even called them, did you?"
"Whatever. So I made that up! You needed a vacation. You were getting totally annoying. Seriously, you had to get out of here."
"Me? I was getting annoying? Are you kidding me?"
"Oh, don't be so dramatic, Bella. Did you have at least a little fun? Please tell me you didn't sit in your cabin being all sulky all the time. Or God, you didn't try to work, did you?"
"Of course, not. I'm not that bad."
"Uh, yeah, you are."
"Whatever. But yes, I had fun… a little bit. And no, I didn't stay in my cabin the whole the time."
"I knew it! I told you so. I so told you that you'd have a ball! I am officially the best friend ever… By the way, do you have any ice cream?"
"What? Yeah, of course, I do."
"No, not the butter pecan you had before."
"How do you know I had butter pecan?"
"Um… maybe I ate it."
"Your place is closer to mine that the store."
"You have a store two blocks down!"
"Fine, they didn't have the kind I liked, so when I stopped by to water your plants, which need to be thrown away, if you ask me. Seriously, B, you're really terrible at growing shit. Like total black thumb. So anyway, while I was there, I had a little… snack."
"Alice, I had an entire gallon. It was unopened."
"Well, I needed two gallons!"
"Okay, Jazzy may have been being stupid and I needed to eat something… or kill him."
"What did he do?"
"He wants to name the baby Peter."
"What's wrong with that?"
"You're kidding me. He wants to call my baby a penis!"
"Come on now… Peni– I mean, Peter is a… nice name."
"See? You can't even say it without laughing. That's exactly what I told him, but he has it in his head that it's the perfect name. Dumb ass."
"Well, did you two work it out?"
"Yeah, it's fine. We're going with Garrett now. Jazzy doesn't know it yet, though. I'll tell him later. Like when I'm crying and screaming during labor. There's no way he'll argue with me then. So anyway, back to the cruise!"
"What about it?"
"What about it? Are you for real? Tell me everything!"
"It was… nice."
"Oh, my God. How are we friends? Was the food good… oh, God, I'm hungry… Ugh. How was the staff? I bet they were amazing. The one we went on for our honeymoon had some fine ass staff."
"Tell me about it… 8's and above everywhere!"
"Right?! What about the rest of the people? Did you meet anyone decent? Like even close to our age? Please tell me you didn't have to sit with a table full of assholes. What about the ports? I've heard the beaches there are incredible… Why are you laughing?"
"Um? You can't Um me!"
"Isabella Marie Swan, what. did. you. do?"
"Um… okay, maybe I met someone."
"Gah, Al! Turn it down a notch! My ears can't take that shit!"
"What?! You met someone?! Like a male someone? Like a non-friend, potentially sexin' kind of someone?"
"Yeah… kind of."
"Oh, this sounds gooo-oood! Talk. Right now. Gimme details. All the details! If you leave anything out, I'll die."
"Well… um… he kind of lives here."
"Yeah… he's 34. A lot of our ports ended up getting cancelled due to weather, so… we kind of hung out a lot. He taught me how to snorkel. He's also a doctor."
"WHAT?! Oh, please tell me he works at Harborview."
"No, no, no. His name is Edward Cullen… He's only been in town for like two years. He's over at the Medical Center."
"Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Hold on, Bella. JAZZY! JAZZY! What? Don't tell me to tone it down! I'll show you tone it down! What? Okay, I love you, too, baby. Hey, do you know some guy named Edward Cullen? B says he works at the Medical Center… What? Really?!"
"What? What did he say?"
"He doesn't know him, but he's heard the name before… but oh, my God, Bella! We're so double dating. You know, once I get this baby out of my stomach. I swear I can't wear anything but sweatpants right now. Ugh. You know some people feel all glowy? Yeah, not me. I can't even see my feet! Anyway, so tell me all about him!"
"He's… amazing. He took care of me when I got seasick. He chartered a freaking helicopter ride out to some other island when we stopped in Nassau. Seriously, he's just… yeah."
"Gahhhh! I'm totally swooning right now. Describe him. I need to know everything! Like… what does he look like? Is he hot? Of course, he's hot… Wait a second… did you sleep with him? Please say you did. Please say you didn't just sleep with he… please tell me he fucked your brains out. He did, right?"
"Uh… okay, yes."
"Yes, you slept with him, or yes, he fucked your brains out?"
"YES! Yes! Yes! Yes!"
"You'd think you were the one getting some…"
"Bella, do you have any idea how hard sex is for me right now? It's a total PITA... So, wait… you are going to see him now that you're back here, right? You are. You have to. Just how serious is this? Details, woman!"
"Okay, okay… yes, I think you could say that I'm going to be seeing him… a lot of him… um, in fact…"
"Is he over there right now?! Put him on the phone!"
"No, no, no… not yet, at least."
"He's coming over in fifteen minutes."
"You have to bring him by. It's a requirement. It's friend-law."
"Not tonight, okay? I think we're just going to chill here. Maybe… tomorrow? And don't huff… I swear I'll bring him by to meet you."
"I guess… So do you like him?"
"Uh, yeah? That's not obvious?"
"But do you really like him?"
"Oh, shit. Oh, shit! Are you in love with him?!"
"No… Maybe… what am I saying… yeah, I am. I really am. I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual, too. It's so ridiculous, right?"
"Just say it, Bella."
"Just say what?"
"I told you so!"
"I'm so not saying that. Not when you lied to get me out of the house… Never mind that it worked out and I went on a amazing vacation and found the Anti-Jake."
"Definitely… For God's sake, stop squealing! You're going to kill my ear drums!"
"Oh, this is definitely serious… I better start scouting reception halls, and bridesmaid dresses, and catering!"
"Whatever. Look, if you won't say it, then I will. I told you so! I told you so! I. Totally. Told. You. So!"
"Pfft! You love me and you know it."
"Maybe… maybe not."
"Maybe not, my ass. Now get off the phone and go get laid. We're talking all about this tomorrow."
"You don't have to sound so smug about it, you know."
"Did you seriously just use the word smug? Who even says that?!"
"Ugh, I don't know… I guess the same people who say… chagrin or something..."
To quote the great Porky the Pig,
THAT'S ALL, FOLKS!
A/N: thanks so much for reading along. This thing was supposed to be a short, 10k word one shot. It obviously experienced some (a lot of) word creep along the way. But it was fun for me to write. Hopefully, reading has been fun for you.