Author's Note: So, this story is where I'll be putting little bits of fic that aren't really long enough to be worth posting on their own. They'll all be in the same continuity as "The Future Starts Slow," "Springs in the Mind," "The Iirian Adventure," and "A Marriage of Untrue Minds" (basically, if the security officer's named Mark Delgado Adichie, it's in this continuity); I'll try to keep them in chronological order but I do sometimes write things to fill in spaces between other stories, so I make no promises.
This one is just something I wrote very quickly on Christmas, mostly because I was sad I didn't get Marathon fic for Yuletide and wanted to make up for the lack. XD
Mark woke up to the sound of something rolling off the replicator shelf and clanging to the floor.
He rolled out of bed in his shorts to see what was going on and found a six-pack of napalm canisters on its side, wrapped in a gigantic, suspiciously shiny red bow. He squinted at it, rubbed his eyes, and said, "Durandal? The hell is this?"
"Your present, of course," Durandal said. "Merry Christmas."
"Uh - thanks," Mark said, tugging at one of the bow's loose ends to see if it could be untied, "but you know I'm an atheist, right? Born and raised."
"Even after experiencing my awesome power, cunning, and general invincibility?"
"Especially after that."
"I suppose it's for the best," said Durandal, "since I wasn't planning to give you the day off, anyway. There's work to do, so you had better appreciate your present."
"Yeah, yeah, give me a minute to get dressed up..." He managed to slide the bow off the canisters, wondering what the hell he was supposed to run into that would call for so much napalm, and a second later the answer came to him. "It's an ice planet, isn't it."
"Maybe I'll put a scarf in your stocking. You might need it; there are snow dunes fifty feet high, and that's in the temperate zone."
"Merry fucking Christmas to you, too, buddy."