Disclaimer: We... er... do not own any of the HP characters or random guest stars in this story, we just exploit and humiliate them for our own enjoyment.
A/N: Hey guys! Anrion here! So sorry for the short chapter last time. We had been at my house supposedly having a "Movie Day" when our other friend had to leave, so Sanaria and I decided to work on our long forgotten story that had been loooooooong overdue for an update. We had little wolf and black lab plushies for inspiration and were all set with Doritos and Chips Ahoy cookies for a long haul.... And all we could come up with was the very, VERY funny mental image of Remus impersonating Tom Cruise in Risky Business. (which we don't own either, by the way...) So we tried to work with that and came out with a very short, four page disgrace of a chapter... no matter HOW hilarious the mental image was (I even drew it. lol.) So we're going to do our gosh danged best to make up for it, ok? OK! Onward!
CHAPTER SIXTEEN: Meet the Parents a.k.a. Draco's Horde
The Great Hall was strangely quiet that morning several days before Christmas. (Mostly because the Marauders were absent, the majority of the teachers had terribly painful hang overs, and the only two students there were Draco and Hermione.)
But the silence wasn't to last long, and poor Flitwick's eardrums nearly self imploded from the volume of the racket outside of the doors.
Suddenly, the large wooden doors were flung back and two figures flew in, followed closely by a rather transparent third, who turned out to be... a ghost. After all, how many transparent dwellers of Hogwarts were there? (Peeves doesn't count, we ALL know he's a Poltergeist and not a ghost.... Except for Sirius. Sirius: "Peeves isn't a ghost?! Whoaaaaaaa.")
"ROAD TRIP!" One of the men roared, flying over to grab Hermione, and strangely enough, Draco as well, out of their seats and drag them back toward Remus and the ghost.
"S-Sirius!" Hermione cried, struggling to free herself of the man's grasp, "What's going on?!"
"Let go of me you ruddy convict!" Draco growled, angrily removing Sirius's vice-like hand from his arm.
Sirius glared down at the boy. "Draco, I'm the closest thing to a father figure in your life, being the only REAL man in any way related to you, and blast it all, you WILL grow up to be normal, but right now, we're going on a road trip, so get your arse in gear and go pack."
Draco scowled, before turning and catching sight of the other... floating, transparent... member of their group who was levitating along beside Remus.
"Hey! Potter died?! When?! Where?! Why was I neither involved or informed?!" he screeched in a mixture of anger and delight.
Remus glanced over at the Slytherin as James scoffed in outrage. "Draco," Remus said in his best stern professor voice, "This is the ghost of JAMES Potter. Show some respect, eh?"
Draco's eyes widened, and he shuffled his feet in embarrassment. After all, was it HIS fault that father and son were both so short and looked alike?! (lol. Sorry, Abbie, I'm gonna get called shorty for months for that one....) "Sorry." He mumbled incoherently.
Hermione rolled her eyes. "So... where are we going anyway?"
"Your house." Remus and Sirius said together, quite simply.
Hermione's eyes widened to the size of frisbees, and Draco felt sure that had he not been worried that his girlfriend's eyes, which he so dearly enjoyed gazing deeply into, were about to fall out... he would have laughed hysterically.
"Oh, no!" Hermione shrieked, jumping to stand with her legs spread shoulder length apart in front of the three Marauders, "You are NOT making an appearance at my house! My parents would die of heart failure!"
"But, Hermione dear," Sirius tried his best to soothe as Remus and James cowered behind him, "We have to see whether or not Remus is your father!"
"So... what?!" she nearly screamed, "You plan to go through my family files to find an adoption form?!"
"No, not at all." Sirius replied, "We plan to swagger up to your mother showing absolutely NO tact, and blatantly ask her... "Did you have a drunken affair with Remus over there at a Wizard's bachelor party eighteen years ago even though no one in your family except you, your husband, and your daughter knew anything about the wizarding world until six years ago?" THAT is what we're planning on doing." Sirius said with a grin.
Hermione looked as though she was about to explode, and Draco looked about worriedly for a pin of some sort so that he could safely deflate her.
"Or..." Sirius said with an uncomfortable chuckle... "We could just look through your family documents to see if you were adopted."
She eyed them suspiciously. "You won't do anything to embarress me?"
"Us?" Remus squeaked uncertainly from behind his co-consirator, he laughed shortly, "Do something to embarrass you? NEVER!"
Her eye twitched, and Remus dove to bury his face in Sirius's cloak while the animagus backed up slowly with his hands in the air signifying defeat. "We won't do anything to embarress you!" he shrilled.
"Good. Then at least let us go pack."
Remus grinned, finally presented with the chance to one-up Hermione. "Well, Hermione, seeming as you ARE standing outside your Common Room... what else did we expect you to do?"
She growled, before swiveling to the fat lady and barking the pass word in a way that would make Padfoot proud had it been in debate whether she was HIS daughter or not.
"So..." Draco said, bouncing on the balls of his feet, "Do I get to pack too?"
Remus glared. "If you do indeed feel the need to come... then hurry up and scurry down to your precious dungeons and be back before we leave, or you'll be left behind."
Draco scoffed and set off at a leisurly pace.
Once in his room, he glanced at his trunk. "Would I be able to fit all of my things into ONE trunk?" he mused aloud, scratching his head casually. "Perhaps I would be able to limit myself...."
He strode over to the dresser across from his bed and started to fling clothes from the drawers, waving his wand at them in midair so that they would neatly fold themselves again and float gently into the now open and ready trunk.
The Slytherin grinned. "I LOOOOOVE being lazy!" he said to himself in a very un-Malfoy like fashion.
Once packed, he strolled over to the window, trying to pass the time he was sure it would take for Hermione to pack. She WAS a woman after all, and of course, following the school rule of using no magic outside of studies, she would do it all manually.
But, to his shock, he looked down to see Black and Lupin and their ghost friend ushering the Gryffindor out of the front doors, all three carrying a back pack, and drag her off toward Hogsmeade.
His mouth hanging agape, Draco bristled with rage. "They're trying to leave without me!" he growled at the window. "Well, we'll see how long they have before I'm back and annoying the hell out of them once more! My horde shall carry me to intercept them!"
With an insanely evil cackle, he flung open the window and stepped back, raising his hands into the air. "Flock to me, my horde!" he crowed out into the gray sky.
A sudden fluttering of wings broke the silence. Draco grinned, but it slowly slipped from his face as a single duck dove in through to window to land at his feet.
He glared down at it, crossing his arms and cocking an eyebrow at it. "Go away, you're not a horde." He said, flinging his arm out in a dismissive gesture.
The poor duck lowered its head miserably at the thought of Draco not needing it and took flight out of the still open window. "See if I ever return with the rest of the Horde, Malfoy! You'll pay for this disgrace, human!" he quacked over his wing at the boy, but all Draco heard was a series of enraged squacks.
Draco scowled. "Stupid birds. The one time I actually require their assistance, they've flown south for winter!" He slammed a hand down on the window sill, shaking his other fist at the retreating figure of the duck, "Damn you, you blasted feather-brains!" he shrieked into the cold air.
The bird turned, midflight and streaked back toward him.
The Slytherin's eyes widened comically. "Eep." He whispered, before flinging the window shut and dropping to his knees, covering his head and screeching, "DIVE BOMB! TAKE COVER!"
There was a fluttering of wings and a small 'splat'... and then with another self-satisfied quack, the duck flew once again away from the castle.
Draco rose slowly to his feet, his eyes widening as he started at the mess the bird had made on the window. "That could've been my HEAD." He said to himself. "I think a broom is much safer at this point."
He turned and shrunk his luggage with a swish of his wand, stuffing it into his pocket and grabbed his broom, strutting out the door toward the Astronomy Tower, best to take off at a high altitide.
Meanwhile, Hermione, Remus, and Sirius sat squished into a two person compartment on a train leaving the Hogsmead station.
Remus shifted to get a better view from the window, and in-so-doing elbowed Hermione in the ribs. Hermione yelped and kicked out, hitting Sirius in the shin.
"Bloody Hell! What does a Gryffindor God need to do to get some peace?" Sirius shouted, rubbing his sore leg.
"Well, if Remus hadn't elbowed me, neither of us would currently be in any pain. AND if he hadn't been so cheap, he might have also afforded a larger compartment," Hermione practically shouted, agitated by the current situation.
Sirius leaned forward and looked to Remus.
"You going to let your own daughter disrespect you, mate?"
"I AM NOT HIS DAUGHTER!"
"Love, that would be an 'I'm not his daughter, sir!' Your father's friends deserve respect!" Sirius admonished her happily.
"That's right dear. I had thought I raised you better," Remus said as he gave her a 'tut tut'.
Hermione grabbed the sides of her robes to overcome the desire to strangle one of them; it didn't matter which, at the moment. A trolley bell drew her forth from her evil reverie and she shot out of the uncomfortable space between Sirius and Remus.
"I'm off to grab a few sweets for the trip... any takers?" she asked with an evil smile. Neither noticed and nodded eagerly. Stealing into the train corridor she purchased three cauldron cakes. Taking her wand out of her robes she quickly magicked the two she was going to give to Sirius and Remus.
Hiding her wicked grin, she slid back into the compartment and handed them their sweets.
"I haven't had a Cauldron Cake in ages!" Sirius cried happily as she passed him the sweet. Both he and Remus shoved them into their mouths and chomped happily.
Sirius was the first to show symptoms. Hermione laughed happily in the corner as donkey ears sprouted up through his raven dark hair. Remus, who had been joking with his best friend, had noticed as well. Shrieking, he threw himself back against the window. Sirius looked around in confusion until he saw Remus sprout hairy brown ears as well.
"Oh, dear lord! It's a full moon! How did we miss this?! Run!" Sirius shouted as he jumped to his feet.
"Sirius! You don't need to run!" Hermione said through giggles.
"You're right, I just need to get behind you!" he replied as he hid.
Remus jumped up in protest.
"I'm not turning into a werewolf, you dolt! But... Sirius... you have... erm... your ears," Remus finally managed to stutter. Sirius reached up and fingered the long donkey ears. He screamed and leaped to his bag to pull out his mirror.
"I'm a frickin' donkey!"
"Yes, I'd say so," Hermione said, trying to regain her composure.
Remus grabbed the mirror from Sirius and quickly realized that he had them as well.
"Why, Hermione?" Sirius asked, looking unhappy and violated.
"Sirius, you are such an ass!" Hermione explained.
"Okay, I'll accept that. But what does this have to do with the donkey ears?!" he whined.
Hermione rolled her eyes and looked to Remus. He was sporting a new expression she had never seen.
"I'm just... so proud!" he shouted after a minute of silence. Stepping past Sirius, he embraced Hermione tightly.
"Ug... Remus... I have to breathe!"
Draco flew above the train as it snaked through the mountains and valleys. He huddled close to the broom in an attempt to draw forth some type of heat.
'Damn them,' he thought. Here he was flying high above the train in below zero temperature and they were happily sitting in a big and comfy compartment below him. No wonder his horde had left him, the flying was terrible.
Just then a lone duck flew passed him, looking very indignant.
"Oh, now you show up!" He shouted and threw his hands up into the air. This however, threw him off balance and his broom went into a dive.
Remus released Hermione quickly and she was able to catch her breath. Steadying herself against the wall, she turned to look out the window just in time to see something plummet past the train. As they were on a bridge, she knew they'd hit water at some point. Racing to the window, she sought the black clad figure she had seen a second ago.
Sirius was leaning casually against the window sill next to her. "So, will you be saving him, then?"
"DRACO!" Hermione screamed in utter panic, "Sirius, you idiot, save him!"
Sirius looked scandalized. "You just gave me DONKEY ears and called me an ass, and now you expect me to save your prat of a boyfriend?!"
"He's your nephew!"
"Oh. Right. Forgot."
"Eh. He looks fine to me, anyway," Remus said, resting his forehead on the back of his hand which was leaned against the glass of the window on the other side of Hermione.
Hermione looked out to see Draco slowly making a recovery climb, clutching tightly to his broom with a very frightened expression on his face.
"Now that's what I call devotion," Remus continued nonchalantly, "Look at what he's going through to be with you, 'Mione!"
Hermione turned very, very red in the face. And not from embarrassment. "You... you are both complete and utter JACKASSES!"
"And got the ears to prove it!" Sirius grinned. He suddenly laughed. "Hey, now I get it!"
Remus rolled his eyes. "This is going to be a long trip," he moaned.
Mr. and Mrs. Granger opened their front door to behold their daughter and two very bedraggled looking men, (...were those donkey ears on their heads...?) each clutching a suitcase.
"Mum! Dad!" Hermione cried, dropping her luggage on Sirius's foot (who proceeded to jump up and down howling like the dog he was) and flinging herself over the threshold into her parents' arms.
"Hermione!" her father stuttered.
"Darling, we weren't expecting you home for Christmas. Let alone with company!" Mrs. Granger said, observing the two men on her doorstep with a questioning glance.
"Oh. Sorry Mum," Hermione turned, gesturing to Sirius and Remus. "This is Sirius Black and Remus Lupin... y'know. The ones I told you about."
"Ah," her parents said together.
"I see our reputation preceeds us!" Sirius crowed, taking a bow and saluting the two.
"Good afternoon and Happy Christmas, Mr. and Mrs. Granger!" Remus said, smiling politely.
"Uh... Hermione, dear," her father whispered, "Why do they have large... rather donkey-like ears?"
"Oh yeah!" Hermione cried suddenly, turning and swishing her wand at the two men, who suddenly found themselves with normal ears once more.
And just in between them, Hermione could see a very messy (and drenched) blond head coming up the walk toward the door. "Oh my..." she gasped.
Draco shouldered in between Sirius and Remus, handing them, respectively, his broom, and his trunk. "I hate you both," he snarled venemously, before turning and walking in between Hermione's parents through the door.
"Hello Mr. and Mrs. Granger.... Hermione, love, I'm taking a nice... looooooong bath! Can I have some hot cocoa when I'm done?" he called, trudging up the stairs.
The five near the door stared after him as Sirius and Remus dropped his things uncerimoniously on the front stoop.
Mr. Granger cleared his throat and cocked an eyebrow at his daughter. "And... who is THAT?"
Hermione sighed. "That would be Draco, Daddy... my... er... boy... friend." She looked at her father through her lashes meekly.
He stared at her. "Boy... friend?"
"Hermione, dear," he said, with a rather threatening smile, "Get that boy downstairs. We're going to have a little chat."
"Now, Charles," Mrs. Granger said, rubbing his back soothingly, "You don't want Hermione to barge in on him naked in the bath, do you?"
"NO! NononononoNO! Stay right where you are, young lady!"
"This'll be an interesting Christmas...." Sirius whispered to Remus, who nodded his ascent.
: : TBC : :
Er... sorry that James just kinda randomly disappeared! Don't know what happened to him. He musta had something ghosty to do....
Ok, anyway, guys, we need to address a couple issues here....
First off: Guys, look, we're sorry if we offend anyone with the things in this story, we happen to have very radical and outlandish senses of humor, and after all, you don't HAVE to read the story. It's meant to be fun, and if it's not funny to you, we're sorry. You CAN just skip on to the next fic!
Secondly: We're very sorry that there are occasional spelling errors. We are actually both very good English students, in honors with chances for college level classes. Sometimes mistakes just pop in, and I must admit that I have yet to read either a fanfiction, or, in all truth, a professionally published book that didn't have grammatical or spelling errors. So I'm very sorry if we offended anyone with our lack of perfection, we're just doing this for fun, after all.
Thirdly: Of course we're shippers, guys! You can tell by our Draco/Hermione coupling that we LOVE that pairing. Sorry if someone doesn't like it, it's not like there's any explicit scene about it. In fact, I fail to remember a time they've even kissed. They've flirted, and you can tell they like each other, but we haven't put anything offensive in the story. Except maybe Lucius and Snape. On that note, we both know they're not gay, and happen to like both of the characters quite a bit, it's just funny in the story!!
And finally: WE ARE NOT ON DRUGS! For the hundredth time! We're just odd people with very, VERY random senses of humor. Honestly, if you think WE'RE bad, you wouldn't last a DAY in our school, let alone the Theatre department!!
Well! Sorry for the serious notes, it's just that repetitive reviews and, actually, even E-MAILS about those subjects were getting on my nerves. We DO love you guys! ...On the whole! Those of you who do nothing but encourage us, that was in no way meant for you!!!!