The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Adventure Time characters has been frozen solid. Just a mad idea from my mad little mind. You've been warned.
Chapter 1: What Gunter Found in the Snow
The Ice King was restless again.
When it came to sleep the Ice King only experienced two states: Blissful dreamless ignorance or painful torment. Lately it had been the latter.
He could never remember exactly what those nightmares were that plagued him but he knew they were bad. Many were from the dark time. The time before…Well before him anyway. As far as he knew.
Even though he could never remember what the nightmares were about when he woke up he always knew how they made him feel. Terror, horror, revulsion, a crippling fear and a wave of grief over something he had lost. Something so precious, so important to him he felt that he had a hole inside of him, empty and vast. Unable to fill it with anything.
It was even worse than the whole Ricardio experience. Even his own heart coming to life, rejecting him and tearing apart his body didn't feel anything like those dreams. This was an emptiness he could feel within his soul.
In brief moments of lucidity the Ice King would reflect that if those dreams were worse than any physical pain, perhaps he was better off not remembering.
"It's got to be about the dark times…The Mushroom War," He snarled to himself. Even he could barely fathom the savagery mankind once possessed. He remembered glimpses of the past. Bombs exploding. Blood everywhere. The fire that covered the world. So much destruction…And loss. He lost something very important but couldn't remember quite what.
"Stupid war. Stupid everything…" He grumbled as he paced back and forth in his icy room, bare feet slapping against the ice floor. "War! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! NOTHING! HOO HA! SAY IT AGAIN!"
"Got this weird feeling in my crown…" The Ice King stopped pacing. "I've felt it before…War is coming. But how? The kingdoms have been in relative peace for generations. Except for me of course and the occasional rampaging demon but still…"
"Bah!" He threw up his hands. "This is nuts! You're nuts!" He pointed to his reflection in the ice walls surrounding him. "What do you mean I'm nuts? You're the one who's nuts! I know you are but what am I?"
"Wenk! Wak! Wenk!" A penguin waddled in quickly.
"What is it now Gunter?" The Ice King snapped. "Can't you see that I am in the middle of another one of my insane rants?"
"Huh?" The Ice King blinked.
"Wenk! Wenk! Wenk! Wak!" Gunter waved his flippers wildly.
"Timmy fell down the well?" The Ice King blinked. "Well I told him not to go play near that stupid thing! Why does he play near the stupid well in the first place? It's a hole in the ground! How dumb can you get? I mean he falls down the hole all the time and…"
"Oh, this isn't about Timmy," Ice King blinked. "Someone else fell down a hole?"
"Oh not a hole, the snow. Someone fell down in the snow," The Ice King blinked. "Well I'm not surprised. There's a lot of it out there. I should know. I made most of it."
"A lady? A lady fell down in the snow outside?" The Ice King's eyes widened. "Well why didn't you say so in the first place? Why did you go on and on about stupid Timmy? Who cares if he fell down a well? He's always falling down in there! Show me where this lady is! Wait? Is she pretty?"
"Right, this is no time to be picky," The Ice King used his beard to hover in the air. "Lead the way Gunter!" He picked Gunter up and flew outside.
"Wenk!" Gunter chirped as they flew a few feet.
"Yeah I'm starting to sense it now," The Ice King nodded using his powers to sense the connection he had with ice and snow. "An indentation on the north side…There's someone there all right!"
"Wenk! Wenk!" Gunter pointed below them.
"Good Gunter!" Ice King floated down. He saw a figure face up in the snow wearing some kind of green sweater, brown pants with boots and a torn white jacket. A few other penguins were standing around the figure, keeping guard.
"Oh," The Ice King picked the unconscious snow covered woman up. "Hey it is a lady! And she's a human! A human woman? Haven't seen one of those in a long time! Wait, humans don't do too well in the cold and snow! We have to bring her back to the castle! Come Gunter!"
"Wenk!" Gunter agreed as the Ice King flew back to the castle with the woman in his arms. Gunter hitched a ride on his robe.
"Wow that is some shiner she's got on her noggin," Ice King noticed. "She's out colder than…Me actually."
"How did a human get this far into my kingdom?" The Ice King tried to think. "And where did she come from? Oh that doesn't matter now. She's hurt! Even I can't let a lady in distress down!"
"Right! I must assemble the penguins! Emergency! We got an emergency here!" Ice King flew into his castle. Several penguins waddled after him into his bedroom. "All penguins report for duty!"
"We need to get her warm," The Ice King frowned as he landed. "Lucky for me I have some furs. Her clothes are soaking wet…Uh…" He looked at his penguins. "Which of you guys are girls again?"
"Wenk!" Some penguins held up their flippers. A lot of them had flowers on their heads.
"Oh right. Goonella, Gunthilina, Goonta, Guntha, Guntherine, and Gunter you get her undressed and warm her up," The Ice King gently laid her down on top of his bed. He rushed to get some furs. He decided it would be better to give his unexpected visitor some privacy. He turned around and closed his eyes. "Let me know when you're done so I can throw the furs on her."
"Wenk!" The penguins chirped after a few minutes.
"Okay!" The Ice King threw the furs over the bed with his eyes closed. He opened them again. "Go on girls! Get her nice and warm!"
"Wenk! Wak!" The penguins snuggled under the bed with the woman.
"Let's see what we have here. Hmmm…She's kind of old," The Ice King frowned. "Eh, then again I ain't no spring chicken myself. Or even a fall chicken for that matter. That reminds me I could really go for chicken tonight. Actually I could go anywhere tonight."
He looked at the woman's pale sleeping face. "You know she's kind of cute. In an older woman sort of way, Gunter."
For some strange reason the Ice King felt mesmerized by her appearance. Her greying long auburn hair gently framed her face along with her egg shaped glasses. One of the lenses was slightly cracked. A huge bruise was on her forehead. She was in her sixties or early seventies with some wrinkles on her face around her eyes and mouth but nothing too drastic.
He gently touched her hand. "She's so…fragile and soft. And warm…I'd forgotten how warm humans were…I…I have to help her. I don't know what to do other than…Wait I do know what to do! Call the giant snow golems! Oh GOLEMS!"
He flew to the window. "YO GOLEMS! UP AND AT 'EM!"
Several giant snow figures stood there at attention silently. "Hey! Wake up! I'm talking to you!" Ice King snapped. "What's the matter with you guys? Don't you know better to stand at attention?"
"Wenk…" Another penguin waddled up to him.
"Oh right," Ice King blinked. "I forgot to bring them to life when I made them. Silly me. I can fix that!"
"WAKE UP BOYS! YOU GOT A MISSION!" Ice King flew over the snow golems and brought them to life with his magic. The snow golems stood at attention.
"Okay men I need you for a very special mission," The Ice King landed and paced back and forth in front of his creations. "I need you go to the Candy Kingdom and bring back Dr. Ice Cream and Nurse Poundcake! And Dr. Princess!"
"Wenk…" Another penguin waddled up to the Ice King. "Wak…"
"What? Dr. Princess is at some kind of symposium on the other side of the kingdom?" The Ice King blinked. "How do you know about this Goonter?"
"Wenk, wenk, wak…"
"Oh, really?" The Ice King blinked. "Never mind about Dr. Princess. For once this mission has nothing to do with capturing princesses! No time for that! Just get Dr. Ice Cream and Nurse Poundcake! Roll 'em out!"
The Snow Golems began to move. "WAIT!" Ice King shouted. "You know what? If you can get Princess Bubblegum while you're there then that's okay too. But we really need Dr. Ice Cream and Nurse Poundcake. Those two are more important than the princess. This time. I mean if you happen to catch Princess Bubblegum or any other princess that happens to be visiting the kingdom go right ahead. But uh, no pressure. I mean if you can't get any princesses I understand. Okay so…uh, definitely go get Dr. Ice Cream and Nurse Poundcake. That is Number One on the list."
He stopped. "Okay technically that is Numbers One and Two but you get the idea," Ice King went on. "Princess Bubblegum is third on the list. If you can't get her, you can't get her. I'll understand."
"But I'm pretty sure you can get her while you're there so put her on the list," Ice King counted on his fingers. "In fact you know what get her anyway. So that's Dr. Ice Cream, Nurse Poundcake and Princess Bubblegum in that order. Number Four is any other princess you find. Five is some chicken soup for dinner but that's the least important. So uh that's the list. You got it? Good! Now get me those princesses! Oh yes and Dr. Ice Cream and Nurse Poundcake! Don't forget them!"
The snow golems stood there. "GO!" The Ice King ordered. With a groan the golems left to do his bidding. "I tell ya Goonter, it's hard creating good help these days."