PLEASE NOTE: This has nothing to do with the Portal 2 Calypso mod on ModDB. I was not aware of its existence when I wrote this story, but I wish the people working on it the best of luck!

I hate a moral coward, one who lacks a manly spark
I just detest a man afraid to go home in the dark
I always spend my evening where there's women, wine, and song
But like a man I always bring my little wife along

I'm a member of the Midnight Crew
I'm a night-owl and a wise bird, too
Home with the milk in the morning
Singing the same old song

Rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun
Early to bed, and you'll miss all the fun
Bring your wife and trouble, it will never trouble you

"Mainframe: End music."

"First chorus is not yet finished. Are you sure you wish to end music?"


"Music stopped."

"Interesting music. I can't say I understand it, but this song could boost moral around this facility. Not much going around here that would require a crew, though...

"Enough dilly-dally. Let's get back to testing."

She stepped out into the open air. A light breeze brushed against her cheek. In every direction, corn fields. Freedom. Thank god.

There was a clang, and she turned around to see the door had closed. But after a moment, out came a charred, but undoubtedly real, companion cube.

She breathed in deeply. No more darkness. No more testing. No more crazy robots. She was free.

But then a horrible thing hit her. She was lonely.

Chapter 1: The Chamber Junkie

The chamber was dark. And quiet. And cold. The distant rumble of machines was unmistakable.

Suddenly, the whole space was flooded by blue lights. A loud buzzing noise rang off.

The girl looked down. She was wearing an orange jumpsuit and some very familiar boots.

She rolled her eyes. Oh god, here we go again.

"Good," a familiar and not-too-friendly voice said. "You're awake. I apologize for dragging you back to the facility after…how long has it been, three weeks?...but there are important matters at hand. About a week ago, the Cooperative Testing Initiative located a computer virus and accidentally loaded it onto my system. Needless to say, I managed to purge most of it, but some remnants of this facility are still under the control of the virus."

A door at the edge of the room opened. Chell walked through it and emerged on a long catwalk. With no other alternative, she began to cross it. Below were hundreds of test chambers arranging themselves, nay, building themselves.

"You must understand," GLaDOS continued. "That I would have preferred leaving you alive on the surface to do whatever it is you do when not trying to destroy me, but the simple truth is I have no choice. I tried sending my robots to try to get back the facility, but they keep on disappearing from my radar. I have to assemble new ones just to get the job done. And even those fail.

"Be very clear that I have no intention of killing you. But since being free is all you've ever wanted, I won't release you from the facility until you've purged the virus. Once I've regained control, I'll send you on your way to the surface.

"You may also want to know why you should help me regain complete control of this facility, what with there still being people here. Well there aren't. There were a few test subjects I found sometime after I let you out, but they are now all unfortunately dead."

Chell paused, uncertainly.

"Don't worry," the voice chuckled. "You're not gonna meet their fate. Besides, I already have new living test subjects to…AGH! Don't peck at the cage like that! I don't want you running round my…no, I'll comply! Just keep your tongue away from…what? Ahem! Sorry, my new test subjects were getting hungry. Regardless, putting me back in charge won't affect you once I release you. All I control is what happens in here, nothing else."

Chell reached the end of the catwalk. Beyond another door was a room with a small table in it. On the table was a flash drive, a radio, and the all-too familiar portal gun.

"Here's what you need to do," GLaDOS said. "There are six substations located across the facility. When you get to a substation, shut it down and upload an antivirus installed on this flash drive. That will purge the virus and put me back in control of the system. Be aware that we don't just have flash drives lying around, so try to save this one."

Chell picked up the flash drive and put it in her pocket. A zipper one, actually: with all the flying around she would probably end up doing this was the best option.

"I will try to guide you through the facility as much as I can," the computer continued. "But you will be flying blind for the most part. Attached to your belt is a communicator that I will use as eyes and ears during your trip."

Chell picked up the radio. It was a fairly simple one. Not surprising: this facility had been locked down for years, and odds were this was left over from the old days.

She picked up the portal gun. To be honest, she hated the thing. It reminded her of too many bad memories. She wondered about what Wheatley was up to in space.

"For the love of…we've been up here for years!" Wheatley shouted. "Will you stop talking about space?"

"Space-time is irrelevant," Space Core jittered. "Just like Space. Wanna stay in space. Besides, it's only been a month."

Another door opened. The distant rumble of the facility got louder. Chell prepared to exit, but she paused. Why was she helping this mad AI again?

"The simple fact is you have nothing to lose," GLaDOS said resignedly. "I have no use for you, and trying to kill you and make you test will probably make my life miserable, and I'm gonna live for an eternity. Go out that door, you don't have to bother me again when you're finished. Don't go out that door, then…you starve to death in a dark room."

Well, Chell couldn't argue with that logic (she couldn't even try, because she couldn't talk…for the sake of storytelling). But she still didn't move. She opened her zipper pocket and took out the flash drive.

"Science rhymes with compliance," the voice said automatically. "And you know what doesn't rhyme with compliance? Deadly neuro…"

Chell casually dropped the flash drive on the ground and prepared to step on it. It was always a good idea to see how much GLaDOS needed her. There was a frantic beeping noise.

"No, I was just kidding!" the voice said quickly. "Let's call it…motivation!" She groaned. "Just go out the door and get this over with. I've still got science to do."

Satisfied, Chell picked the flash drive up, put it away, and walked out the door.

Instead of emerging in a stark white test chamber, Chell found herself on another catwalk looking over the production facility.

"Ok, it runs half of the facility now," GLaDOS said. "Down this catwalk is the first substation. Everything right up to it is still under my control. The station itself, however, is not. It shouldn't be too much of a problem, though."

It was a very simple substation. Really not much to look at. Chell stepped inside.

There was a beep. A different, lighter (sarcastic?) voice went off.

"Who goes there?" it said. It was the virus. "Oh, it's you. The psychopathic lunatic. What do you think you're doing? Trying to purge me from the system? Do you really think that's going to work? What, did she tell you it was going to work? Because it won't."

Chell shrugged, walked over to the switch and shut it down. The entire room went dark.

"What just happened? I can't see you anymore." The voice sounded distant. "You're actually doing it, aren't you? What can I expect from a dangerous, mute lunatic…"

Chell took out the flash drive, found the socket, and plugged it in. There was a whirring noise, and the substation turned itself back on.

"Good job," said GLaDOS. "Now, let's see what she was doing here."

There was a thoughtful beep.

"Oh my god," she said. "She's been building guns. A metric butt-ton of guns. And they look like they were intended for robot usage. My robots! She's arming them!

"Ok, look, I know what I said, but it looks like you're gonna have to use the testing chambers. It should prepare you for whatever she is building."

Chell stepped out of the substation to find a test chamber door in front of her.

"Relax, I'm not going to drop zombies on you," GLaDOS said reassuringly. Chell wasn't aware AIs had the ability to reassure. "This is target practice."

A large claw extended from the ceiling and handed her a shotgun.

Easy enough, she thought to herself. She switched out the portal gun for the shotgun and entered the chamber.

Five test chambers later, she emerged with several scrapes and bruises.

"I'm not going to apologize," GLaDOS said. "Because moving targets that also shoot back at you are vital to your survival…and the testing experience."

Chell violently shook her fist into the air.

"Now," she said. "I've taken some time to develop a utility belt for your weapons. I have a feeling you'll need more than one to get through to the next few substations, so this should work. I've also built a mini-portal gun so you can fire a weapon and shoot portals at the same time. That was easy. I also added a little attachment on the portal gun that you can use to reload your weapons without taking it off. That was also easy. I just had to build a shrink ray…that wasn't so easy."

A small robot rolled up to her carrying a tray, with the belt and the mini-Portal gun on it. Chell put on the utility belt. It automatically tightened. She put the portal gun on her left hand and held the shotgun in her right.

"The substation is somewhere down this catwalk," GLaDOS said. "I unfortunately can't see any further, so you'll be on your own until you get to it. Good luck."

Chell tip-toed down the catwalk, guns in hand.

"Ah, there you are," said the virus. "GLaD you could make it. Since it seems you're so ready to listen to her and get rid of me, I think it's time I threw in some tricks of my own."

Chell squinted her eyes. There was something coming down the hallway. No…two things. Two…robots…with orange and blue eyes?

She realized with horror that it was the two robots who had woken her up after the incident with the moon.

"Poor computer thing doesn't know what she has on her hands," the virus cackled. "Orange! Blue! Stop her!"

Chell pumped her shotgun. She wasn't gonna die down here. Especially at the hands of two ridiculous robots.

Author's Note: I had originally envisioned this story as a mod for Portal 2 (again, not the one on ModDB). Realistically, that's not...realistic for me, as I don't have the time or skills to make it. This first chapter was originally written in the second person to reflect the mod roots, and thus isn't too heavily edited besides replacing "you" with "Chell" or adding some stuff to connect it with the rest of the story.

A lot of fanfictions out there are good, but honestly, they're too dramatic. Calypso is my attempt at making a fanfiction that is funny and touching. It also gives me the opportunity to fine-tune my writing. Review if you have a moment and let me know what could use improvement.

BTW, to those of you who have read my old iCarly fics, they weren't well-planned, I was in 8th grade, sue me.