TITLE: The Spyhole Birthday - Again a Shower Scene

AUTHOR: Feli

EMAIL: feli.ca@web.de

CATEGORY: Humor

SEASON/SPOILERS: None

RATING: PG-13

SUMMARY: #3 in 'The Spyhole' series: It's Jack's birthday; Sam and Janet have a present for him

STATUS: Complete, Sequel to 'The Spyhole' and 'The Spyhole Payback'

ARCHIVE: Heliopolis and Fanfiction.net, MajorClanger's site, Stargatefan

DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The situations and original story are the property of the author. Not to be archived without permission of the author.

AUTHOR'S NOTES IThe challenges get weirder and so gets the fic. This time the words were David Hasselhoff CD, Kruemeltorte, paper clips, and something out of a picture Nic found. Something we all thought Jack had to have. So he gets it. Uhm, do I even have to mention naked colonel and archeologist..? g AUTHOR'S NOTES II: You all know who betas my fics. Her name is Kat, and she always does a wonderful job. Thanks, Kat!







"Daniel! Come on, finish up. We're leaving!"

"But, Jack. ."

"Daniel!" Jack gave a long-suffering, exasperated sigh. 'Damn it. It was his birthday. He was entitled to cut a mission a little short on his birthday, wasn't he?'

"Pack up some of those rocks if you must, then let's go."

"Artifacts, Jack," Daniel countered out of habit, although he knew he might as well have been talking to thin air. The response was always the same:

"Sure look like rocks to me, Danny."

Jack hadn't mentioned the fact that it was his birthday to anyone. He didn't like his team making a fuss about him. And then there was also this tiny, nagging fear in the back of his mind that they wouldn't make a fuss at all. At the very least Daniel probably wouldn't, not after the embarrassing fiasco at Jack's cabin four weeks ago.

He planned on inviting them all to his house later in the day for a nice get-together though, to smooth over his archeologist's ruffled feathers. But he still had preparations to make and therefore had to cut short Daniel's playtime with his rocks.

-----------------

"Good work, SG-1," commented General Hammond Sam's and Daniel's reports about the mission. "Now for the last part of this debriefing I have asked Dr. Frasier to join us. Ah, here she is, right on time."

An uneasy sense of foreboding overcame Jack. Doc Frasier's presence at a briefing was never a good sign. Neither was the smug smile she sent in his direction before acknowledging the general's words with a nod of her head. Jack turned questioning eyes on his CO who opened his mouth to explain - or so Jack thought.

"Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday, dear Jonathan, happy Birthday to you!"

Jack flinched at the use of his given name but couldn't help the grin that spread across his face at the enthusiastic (and loud) chorus of voices serenading him.

"Wow, thank you, guys! I didn't think you'd.."

"You didn't think what, Jack? That we'd remember your birthday despite the stunt you pulled at Christmas?" Daniel asked with a threatening undertone in his voice.

"Uh.no, ah.I.anyway," Jack collected himself, "I wanted to invite all of you to a little party at my house at, let's say at 1600 today. I'm going to bake my famous Kruemeltorte!" he announced proudly.

Daniel raised his eyebrows.

"Famous with whom? I've known you for six years now, and not once have I seen you bake a cake!"

Jack's eyes gleamed in gleeful anticipation of yet another one of those bitching arguments he and Daniel excelled at - much to the amusement and sometimes chagrin of their fellow team members. He was, however, forestalled by Teal'c who quickly produced a small package from beneath his chair.

"O'Neill, as it is an Earth custom to present a gift to those who celebrate the day of their birth, I have procured this for you. It is my hope that you will appreciate it!"

"Of course I will. Thank you, buddy!" Jack smiled.

He took the present from Teal'c and applied himself to unwrapping it. First he removed the ribbon and put it aside, then he began to carefully pick at the tape that held the wrapping paper together. He'd managed to peel two strips off without ripping the paper when Sam couldn't keep herself from snickering.

"Sir, I think you've spent too much time around Daniel. He doesn't handle his artifacts with as much care as you're handling this gift."

Daniel smiled gratefully at Sam for the 'artifacts' bit, then glared at Jack.

"Tear it open already, Jack! Just imagine it's a rock. ."

Jack glared back at Daniel and finally pulled his present free of the wrapping. He gaped at it in shocked confusion.

"What is it?" asked Janet and the general simultaneously, while Daniel simply grabbed the gift from Jack's unresisting hand.

"It's a CD," he pronounced. "A.a David Hasselhoff CD?! Jack? You, ah..you *like* that?"

Four pairs of eyes regarded Jack questioningly. When he didn't respond Teal'c came to the rescue.

"He does indeed. When I found him watching that documentary on lifeguards on the beaches of California, O'Neill confided in me how deeply he admires this David Hasselhoff for his selfless dedication to saving the lives of so many innocent people. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that Mr. Hasselhoff's many accomplishments also include singing."

"Jack! You didn't!?" moaned Daniel.

"So, colonel," giggled Janet. "Baywatch?"

Jack stuffed the CD in the pocket of his jacket and shot a withering glare at Daniel and Janet. Then, with a dignified nod in Teal'c 's direction, he said:

"Thank you, Teal'c. I do appreciate your gift and the effort you've made."

As he exited the room, along with the Jaffa, he heard Daniel snickering to the women.

"Could have been worse, you know. Teal'c could have gotten him a pair of those little red swimming trunks."

-----------------

At 3:30 Jack was busy in the kitchen, weighing flour and measuring cocoa. Just as he was about to drip off the morello cherries the doorbell sounded. Jack wiped his hands off on the towel he'd stuffed into the waistband of his pants and went to open the door.

"Hi Jack," Daniel breezed in, "thought you could use some help with the cake."

He sauntered towards the kitchen to eye Jack's efforts critically.

"Hm, looks like you actually know what you're doing."

"Of course I know what I'm doing!" Jack retorted, "the recipe has been in my family for generations. In fact, my grandmother taught me how to do it."

Daniel scrunched his face mockingly.

"Your Irish grandmother? But that's a German recipe."

"So?" countered Jack. "She liked travelling."

He picked up the glass with the cherries and handed it to Daniel.

"Here, if you want to help you can let these drip off over the sink."

As Daniel took the glass from Jack, he noticed the opera playing softly in the background for the first time.

"Uh, wow!" he exclaimed. "I didn't even know Hasselhoff sang opera! What is it, the 'My red swimming trunks are smaller than your red swimming trunks' song?"

Jack slit his eyes menacingly. Stalking closer to Daniel, he whispered silkily:

"Oh Danny-boy. Are you spoiling for a fight? Because if you mention little, red swimming trunks one more time... ."

Daniel grinned at him. A maddeningly arrogant grin. One could even go as far as saying it was a provocative, 'come-on-over-and-try' grin. Daniel had learned that grin from the master, namely one Colonel Jack O'Neill, but as Jack stared at Daniel, he had to admit that Daniel had perfected it.

"Little, red swimming trunks," sing-sanged Daniel, imitating the proper but silly looking sucking in of the stomach required to wear them. He glanced down to check the correctness of his move, giving Jack the extra second he needed.

"Mbwah!" Daniel cried, as he felt something soft, but cold and sticky land on his neck. His head snapped up, only to receive another load of whipped cream square in his face.

"So, Dr. Jackson, you don't feel so cocky *now*, do you?" Jack taunted, the next load of cream already in his hand.

Daniel took off his glasses to wipe them off on his pants, shuddering at the feel of the whipped cream slowly slithering down into his shirt. Wiping the glasses proved to be difficult with only one hand, because his other hand was still occupied. With a glass of cherries...

Roaring Daniel sought his revenge. The smirk on Jack's face quickly turned into horror, as he realized that there was no way to escape. In a desperate move he tried to duck, thus enabling Daniel to dump the contents of the glass over Jack's head.

"Arrgghhh," Jack yelled, as he straightened again.

Daniel positively exploded with laughter at the sight of hard-assed AF Colonel O'Neill, a crown of morello cherries on his head and dark red juice running down his face and soaking his formerly pristine white t-shirt. Tears sprang to Daniel's eyes and he raised his hands to wipe them away.

Unfortunately - for him at least, Jack actually considered it a lucky turn of events - he still had whipped cream on his fingers, which he successfully rubbed into his eyes. When he fumbled around blindly for a kitchen towel, cursing his own stupidity, Jack used the opportunity to rid himself of the remnants of cream in his hand. Daniel choked with surprise when the sweet stuff filled his mouth and nostrils.

Jack generously decided on a timeout, watching complacently as Daniel washed the whipped cream off his face and neck over the sink. Daniel caught Jack's smug expression out of the corner of his eye and sniggered inwardly.

'Gotcha!'

With his back to the older man Daniel put the kitchen towel away and grabbed the bowl of flour standing forgotten on the counter. Swinging his arm out he turned around and coated Jack with flour from head to toe.

Jack coughed desperately as the flour settled in his throat. His skin took on an interesting shade of pink where the flour mixed with the juice, and the now powdered cherries on his head looked hideously silly.

However, this time Jack didn't give Daniel the chance to erupt into another laughing fit, as he lunged for the cocoa and dumped it over the archeologist in one swift move. He quickly grabbed Daniel's collar and, pulling it away from his neck, poured the last of the can down Daniel's back.

Daniel howled in indignation.

"You...you... . YOU!"

"Mwuahaha!" Jack hollered, "that the best you can come up with? Oh, Danny, just wait till Janet finds you decorated in whipped cream and cocoa. I bet she'll *looove* that...!"

Daniel's eyes threw daggers at Jack. He moved, picking up the first object he could reach, a small cardboard box, and swinging his arm back he flung it at Jack. Alas, instead of the satisfying thud, that indicated something big and heavy had connected with Jack's body in an appropriately painful way, Daniel only heard soft rustling and little 'ping' sounds, as 50 paper clips sailed to the floor to come lying in a harmless heap at Jack's feet. Daniel looked at the now empty box in his hand dumb-founded, balefully categorizing the sounds emanating from Jack as roaring, unabashed laughter.

He looked up to see a victoriously grinning Jack push himself away from the other kitchen counter, and almost skipping towards Daniel. Jack managed to use the momentum from pushing off efficiently, when he accidentally slipped on a mush of cherries, whipped cream, flour and cocoa on the floor. He slid forward with a cry, crashing into Daniel and knocking him off his feet. They landed side by side on the floor, panting for breath.

"At least you didn't push your family jewels in my face this time!" Jack muttered darkly after some time.

Daniel shot him an indignant look and raised himself on his knees. He squinted at his watch, then at his and Jack's stained and sticky clothes, as well as the unbelievable mess in the kitchen.

"Well," he stated, "your guests are going to arrive in fifteen minutes, so I'm gonna take a quick shower now."

"What? Wait!" spluttered Jack. "I have to take a shower, too!"

"Tough luck, Jack. *You* started this and therefore *I* am entitled to the first shower."

Jack scrambled quickly to his feet.

"No, you started it! You were pissy cause I didn't let you play with your rocks on P- whatever. Besides, it's my house and my shower."

Daniel crossed his arms over his chest and glared at his friend.

"I don't do pissy!"

"Oh, you so do!"

"I do not!"

"Do so!"

"Do not!"

"So!"

"Alright! Stop it!" Daniel stomped his foot in frustration. "We only have ten minutes left, I'll let you take the shower with me."

"You'll what? You'll *let* me?"

"Nine minutes, Jack, " Daniel announced, as he turned and marched towards the stairs, pulling off his shirt at the same time.

Jack stayed rooted to the spot, futilely glaring at the archeologist's back. Then a glance at his watch propelled him into action and he stalked after the younger man with a string of curses on his lips.

Daniel had stripped down to his boxers, letting the clothes drop to the floor of Jack's bedroom. Jack glared mutinously at Daniel, as he took off his own clothes. Daniel had to grin at the pout that seemed to be glued into place by now.

"Come on, Jack, it's not like it's the first time we've been in a shower together."

Jack glowered.

"Yeah, and the thought of what happened last time is *exactly* what concerns me now, Daniel... . My shower is hardly big enough for one and doesn't even have a partition you'd have to take down!"

-----------------

Sam and Janet arrived on Jack's doorstep a few minutes early. Janet clutched the present she hadn't given to Jack earlier to her chest with an expectant smile. Sam glanced at the box nervously.

"Are you sure you should give him that? He's gonna be furious."

"Bah!" retorted Janet. "He gets what he deserves after accusing *my* staff of stealing his flip flops."

"They held a special memory for him apparently. Something to do with his grandmother."

"They were flip flops, Sam. Furthermore, none of my nurses would steal his green Air Force issued *shoes*.

Janet caught Sam's wistful smile. She nudged her with her elbow and said:

"Come on, not even you'd be that pathetic!"

"What do you mean, not even I?" Sam bristled. "Of course I didn't steal the flip flops. What would I do with them, store them in a box together with a lock of his hair and the first performance review he gave me?"

Janet laughed.

"No, I think you'd put them in the top drawer of your side chest, next to the tank top you wore when the two of you kissed."

Sam blushed a deep shade of red.

"I only put it away because I don't want to wear it again on base," she defended herself, albeit not very convincingly. "Besides, there was no *kissing*. I had that virus, remember?"

"Oh I remember," chuckled Janet. "I remember the colonel coming to me afterwards, telling me how you'd attacked him... ."

Sam glared at her friend but refrained from responding and conceded this round to the petite doctor. Instead she rang the doorbell once again.

"Why is he not answering the door?" wondered Janet.

"I suppose he can't hear us. Come on, the colonel told me where he keeps the key to his back door, we can enter through there."

"He told you that, did he?" Janet mused, waggling her eyebrows suggestively, as they marched around the house.

-----------------

"Ouff!"

Jack gasped when Daniel's elbow hit him painfully in the chest.

"Sorry Jack," Daniel apologized, "I'm almost finished."

"Yeah," Jack groused. "Maybe next time you could wash your hair without rotating your arms like a damned wind mill!"

Daniel grinned at him impishly.

"Oh, so you plan on doing this with me more often...? My, I hope Sam doesn't get jealous."

Jack shot him a withering glare. Stretching out his hand, he demanded:

"Give me the shower gel."

"Get it yourself, I'm kind of busy here."

Jack eyed the coveted shower gel on the small shelf behind Daniel, inwardly cursing himself for not fixing it to the wall higher up. Much higher up than its current place on the same level as Daniel's waist.

"Just give me the damned shower gel!"

Daniel didn't react, instead turning his back to Jack and starting to whistle.

Snorting, Jack stooped to lean forward and around Daniel in order to reach the bottle. Inadvertently Daniel's elbow hit him again, this time on the back of his neck, causing Jack to stumble forward. And for the third time in as many months Jack unwillingly made the acquaintance of Daniel's gnnnhhh.

"Jack!" Daniel yelped as Jack's face hit him. "Get away from there!"

Jack fumbled for the wall and straightened. Red with embarrassment he shouted:

"You think I did this on *purpose*? If you'd given me the damned gel this wouldn't have happened!"

"Ohh!" Daniel exploded. "And because I didn't you.."

"You hit me!" howled Jack before Daniel could voice his incredible accusation.

"Well, *excuse* me for not realizing you were wrapping yourself around me!"

Jack gasped in stunned shock.

"I did not wrap myself around you, I was merely reaching for the gel you refused to give me!" he continued their shouting match.

-----------------

In the meantime Sam and Janet had entered the house through the back door. They searched the rooms on the lower level for their host, and when they couldn't find him decided to try the upper level. Arriving upstairs they heard voices coming from the master bedroom and turned in that direction. They stopped before the closed door and looked at each other, unsure whether to open it.

"Colonel?" Sam called and knocked at the door.

When there was no answer she opened the door and peeked inside. She couldn't see her CO but heard muffled voices coming out of the bathroom. She looked back at Janet and frowned. Janet raised her eyebrows and nudged Sam forward.

Inside the bedroom the voices were louder, one of them sounding like someone howling in pain. The doctor in Janet took over and she rushed towards the bathroom, Sam on her heels with images of an injured and bleeding colonel playing on her inner eye.

"...and believe me I will the next time you push your face into my groin!" threatened an angry Daniel. An angry, naked Daniel. Or even more to the point, an angry, naked Daniel in the shower, together with an equally angry and naked Jack.

"Oh, you will, will you, Daniel?" asked Jack in a menacingly silky voice, bracing his hands on either side of Daniel's face, thus caging the younger man within his *embrace*.

Sam heard someone gasp audibly and belatedly realized it was her, when two pairs of shocked eyes turned towards her. Beside her Janet gave her best guppy fish impression. The four of them stared at each other, paralyzed into stillness.

Jack and Daniel came back to their senses at the same time, each shoving and pushing against the other in order to reach the safety of the towels on a rack next to the shower. Jack managed to put one foot on the floor outside the shower when Daniel's frantic struggling pulled him back into the stall. His back bumped hard into the wall but he managed to stay somewhat upright. However, the momentum, combined with the fact that Daniel refused to let go of Jack's arm, swiveled the archeologist around and landed him flat against Jack. Chest to chest, thigh to thigh, ...gnnnhhh to gnnnhhh.

Sam and Janet exploded in helpless laughter, as they regarded the men standing motionless under the shower and staring into each others eyes in abject terror. The men's bodies were flushed from head to toe with their embarrassment, and Daniel closed his eyes with a defeated groan.

Tears of laughter sprang to Sam's eyes when Jack turned towards them, his face a study in dignity, despite the fact that he still had 6 feet of Daniel plastered against him.

"Would you please excuse us for a moment?" he asked woodenly.

Janet hugged Sam tightly as they made their way from the bathroom, the laughter shaking her so uncontrollably that she couldn't walk without support. Not that Sam provided much of that at that moment!

-----------------

The women were just wiping the last streaks of tears from their faces when Jack and Daniel emerged from the bathroom. Janet took one look at the men's faces and burst into giggles again.

"It's okay, colonel," she snickered, "you don't have to say anything. Sam and I already suspected this and found you a present to...ahem, prove our support." With that she handed him the box.

Jack took it from her warily, considering the sight of his 2IC positively rolling on the floor with laughter not a good sign. Nevertheless he gave Janet a weak smile and opened the box. On top lay a Hallmark birthday card with the ominious text 'We always return what he haven't taken' and signed by all of Janet's nurses. And beneath it, wrapped in rustling tissue paper were flip flops.

Jack took one of the shoes out and held it up with a disbelieving look in his eyes.

"Uhm, Sam? Janet?"

Daniel gave the shoe a closer inspection and burst out laughing.

"They're a replacement for the bathing slippers that were *stolen* in the infirmary, Jack. Look, they even comply with Air Force regulations."

Jack waved the offending shoe in front of Daniel.

"Daniel, this is a woman's shoe. I ask you, how could this possibly comply with any regulations?"

Daniel turned the shoe around in Jack's hand and pointed to the strap across it.

"Why, it's got your name on it, of course."

"It's *pink*!" Jack protested weakly.

Pointedly Sam and Janet raked their eyes over the men's wet, towel-clad bodies, then towards the steaming bathroom and back to the men again. Once they were satisfied that Jack's blush had reached its highest possible level, they each gave him a superior smug smile and left the room.

"Happy Birthday!" sounded sunnily from the hallway.

FIN

Another note: the flip flops by O'Neill do exist. Nic posted a pic of them one day and sure enough Riz challenged me to include them in a fic. g

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