Disclaimer: Piccolo is not my property, but damn, would I love to have a Piccolo statue to put up in my living room. I mean, come on. That'd be so bitchin'.
Dear Diary. Mood: Stoned (BA HAH HAH HAH HAAA!)
So, I have a kill list, if you're interested. And even if you aren't, I'm going to tell you anyway, so you may as well buckle up. Ready? Here goes:
Trunks: Who else could deserve to be at the top of my list right now? This little bastard managed to do what not even Nappa or Frieza could do way back in the day; break me into like a thousand different pieces. Does he have any idea how long it's going to take me to put myself back together from this? No, probably not, because I've only met him a few times. Also, he smells weird, and I don't know why nobody's mentioned that to Bulma. It's a weird smell, kind of like mustard. I liked his future counterpart a whole lot better. I wonder how he's doing. He should come and visit sometime. Or, well, no, because he'd probably get killed by Majin Buu.
Goten: For one thing, he's too much like his father for his own good. Goku's my friend and all, but I couldn't stand to be around him for longer than, eh, let's say an hour. And that's probably generous. Goten, much like Trunks, smells weird. Sort of like old mayonnaise. I don't know what it is with these kids and condiments, but there it is. Maybe I wouldn't mind him so much if he didn't do everything Trunks tells him to do. I mean, seriously. Just because Trunks is a little bit stronger than him, doesn't mean Goten should just act like his slave. Then again, I guess Vegeta had the same sort of relationship with Frieza. Maybe Trunks got some pointers. Speaking of Vegeta…
Vegeta: Ever since the first time I saw this dickhead, I've wanted a good one-on-one fight with him. Unfortunately, someone else- like Nappa or Frieza- was always in the way of me and him. Just one time, I'd like to knock that smart-ass grin off his fucking spoiled face. But the thing that sucks, he's always way stronger than I am. At this point, I don't think any of the non-saiyan Z fighters would even be able to catch up to him. It's really a shame, too. We used to be an actual team, but now anyone who isn't a saiyan just ends up being wish fodder. Anyway, this guy's a jerk. I think he ought to kill Majin Buu like a terrorist; blowing himself up. Save me the trouble, heh.
The Supreme Kai: You know, the least this idiot could have done is warned us before the fact that Dabura's spit turns people to stone. That would have been nice to know while he was racing right up to us to kill off Kibito. By the way, great job on saving your good friend, Supreme Kai. I'm sure the big, red bastard is going to be delighted to find himself in heaven because you couldn't be arsed to, you know, DEFLECT THE GIANT ENERGY WAVE. I mean, Dabura had his hand in the guy's face for a good ten seconds, it was pretty obvious what he was about to do. Then again, by that logic, I guess I could have saved the guy. Hmm. Moving on.
Hercule, or Mr. Satan or whatever the fuck he goes by: If I have to hear someone say this guy's the guardian and "champion of the world" one more time, I swear I'll go King Piccolo all over again just to prove him wrong. That right- I am willing to murder innocent people if it will shut this idiot up for a few seconds. The only thing this guy's the champion of is drunk pussy. I bet that daughter of his never even met her mother before. Erm, I guess I really shouldn't bring his kid into it. I think Gohan's pretty serious about her. Good for him, I guess. If he can handle having an idiot as a father-in-law, let him have it. He already has an idiot for a father. Speaking of…
Goku: I have gotten into more shit because of this man than I even care to recount at this point. Between taking care of his kid and having to dick with learning how to drive a car, I'm convinced this man has it out for me still. He's holding a grudge, and I have to watch my back. It may even be a family conspiracy- the first guy Goku and I fought side by side against was his brother. Wouldn't fucking surprise me, Goku called the guy up like, "Yeah, this green fag needs to have his ass handed to him, so you should ambush him and I'll 'help' him against you. Tee hee!" Yeah, I picture Goku to be the sort that says "fag" when he's talking to his older brother on the phone.
Krillin: Mostly because I want to see how the dragon reacts when we have to wish him back a third time. He's probably not going to believe the bullshit of that. I mean, yeah, I guess he's been resurrected once by each dragon, but I think they keep correspondence with each other. That's just a theory, though, I can't really substantiate it. Point is, Krillin is useless. If it came between Krillin fighting Frieza or having Goku throw his feces at him, they'd both have about the same impact. Unless Goku had eaten Chinese the night before, then Goku would be about 122,431 times more effective than Krillin. I needn't comment any further.
Bulma: If I'm going to add Vegeta and Trunks to the list, I might as well add her too. Basically, anybody who would sire a child with Vegeta is an idiot, and anyone who would not only keep that child, but raise it and love it, even after it turned out to be Trunks, is some kind of Ultra mega idiot from a depth I can't even imagine plumbing. And let me tell you, I don't even care about sounding sexist, because I'm a Namekian and we don't have any women on our planet. Well, I mean, I was born on Earth, but that's hardly the matter at hand here. For all the screaming and stupidity I've had to hear from Bulma, she can only drop dead.
Well, I think that covers just about everybody. You may be wondering why only people who're on my side made it to the kill list. And all I have to say to that is-
Wait. What was that? Was that Dabura screaming? Oh, yeah! I'm going to be turned back to normal!
…SHIT! I'm going to be returned to normal! I'm in a million fucking pieces! Okay, it's okay, it's okay, I can regenerate. But that doesn't help the pain very god damn much! I swear, I should have just said no when they asked me to participate in the tournament. If I'd only done that, I could be hanging on the lookout right now, watching the show and eating popcorn. But no, no, I had to attend a Z fighter reunion, even though every time one of those has happened, some new, stupid villain has shown up to fucking ruin everything and set off a chain of events that somehow gets almost all of us killed.
I think this punishment for making a kill list. The universe apparently does have a karma sort of thing going for it.
The craziest part of all this is, we- the Z fighters- are probably going to look back on it really fondly. Or, at least, look back on it and laugh. What the hell is the matter with us? We look back on the fight with Frieza and act so casual, and the fight with Cell is becoming the same thing. These people were mass murderers, do people who fought Hitler have the same reaction to that?! I could just be reading too much into it, but I swear it seems wrong. A super hero shouldn't want to have to use his powers at all. But if they didn't, why would they even have them in the first place?