An Invader Zim Fanfiction by KidKouragePart 1—I Feel Sick
Well, it's back to business as usual in the fanfiction mill that is KidKourage's mind. No more of this 'working on the same story for weeks on end and generating something nine chapters and 271 pages long,' no sirree! Wait…did I just say '271 pages long?' O.O Okay, well, maybe that last effort got a bit out of hand. But now I'm back to normal, I swear! As is proven by the fact that I am ranting crazily in this opening paragraph! Oh, yes! I am normal all right. All these…people I don't own…in my head…eleven and counting, which wouldn't be too bad except they keep fighting! And Gir and Vix and Red just won't stop singing! Eeeeeeeeek! Somebody save what is left of my sanity! Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! Ahem. On with the completely normal human worm story that is just like you. ………what?!
The scene is, surprisingly, not KidK's house! Today's tale of horror begins, in contrast, during a skool field trip to…the municipal water tower! This place is at the top of a big hill a few streets away from KidK's house, and in addition to the huge tower and the little buildings that have the generators in them, the area features a little lake/reservoir. There are trees there, which would make it one of the prettiest places in town were it not for the fact that there are lots of rusty pipes sticking out of the lake. O.ô This is one of many things that my 'Nny-voice and I are constantly irked about…but who cares! This story was born out of the fact that Dib wasn't in the last story nearly enough and I missed him! So…let's field trip! And yet another noun-verb is created by the amazing KidKourage!
Miz Bitters (pointing at the lake): So you see, children, this is where all the water you drink comes from. Notice that there is green mold of some kind growing in it. That, coupled with the degenerating gene pool that dared spawn you, is what is responsible for your miserable performance in all areas of life from geometry to tying your shoes.
Melvin (waving his hand wildly): I thought we didn't learn shoe-tying 'til eighth grade!
The Letter M: I didn't sign up for no advanced class.
Miz Bitters: Grrrrrrrr…now you will go stare at the electric generators like mental patients! This will be good preparation for your future careers, which will likely involve watching things go by on conveyor belts!
She points toward one of the generator buildings and the class walks over. Miz Bitters follows them in her snake-shadow way and rematerializes to throw open the door to let the kids in. Thus the next phase of the field trip begins for the skoolchildren. Well, most of them anyway. Our two usual suspects are currently too busy with their own fun antics to even notice that the rest of their so-called 'peers' have left them.
Zim (making notes on his digital pad): So this is where the humans obtain their drinking water…I would've thought they would keep such a precious resource hidden to avoid—heheh—accidents, but then, they are so very stupid.
Dib (coming up behind Zim): You're the one who's stupid, Zim, if you think you can do something to the town's water supply and get away with it.
Zim (disdainfully): I wouldn't waste my time with your filthy wet water. Countless tests have proven that it has no toxic effects on the human body. (rapid-fire) Thusitisuseless!
Dib: That's right! Our water won't help you—you can't even touch it without it burning you! Heheh…weak…
Zim (mock-thoughtfully): Yessss…the water is useless…by itself. But the teacher-beast did say that the green moldy stuff growing on it makes humans stupid…I mean, stupid-er. (typical evil Zim-plan-laugh) Aha…ahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa!
Dib: O.O You wouldn't.
Zim: Oh, but I would. I will collect this mold and reproduce mass quantities of it in my amazing lab! Then I will dump it all in this putrid water-place and then you will all drink it! Your already inferior brains will become…even…more inferior, and so you will not be able to resist when I destroy your planet with lasers and fire and…explosions! Mwahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa!
Dib: No way! You'll never get your claws our mold, alien scum! (he thinks a second) Wait, what?
Zim: Watch me! (he produces a sample-collection device from his backpod and strides over to the edge of the rocks overlooking the reservoir) Mere child's play for mighty Irken technology! (the extraction claw of the machine extends down toward the surface of the water to pick up some of the horrible green stuff and insert it into the containment chamber) I will rule you all within hours!
Dib: Not if I have anything to do with it! You think you're so smart, but you're too dense to realize that I could just push you off that rock and you'd be defeated! (he narrows his eyes) In fact, I think I'm gonna do just that!
Zim (not paying any attention): Doo doo doooooooooom…the humans won't even know what…stupid…ified…them. (brief pause) Muhahahahaaaaaaaaa!
Dib (running toward Zim): Rrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaah!
Zim (turning around): …hahahaha—eh? (he notices imminent painyness) O.o……….aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
What happens next happens quite quickly, within the span of microseconds. Zim, caught entirely by surprise (though that of course never happens to him ^_~), loses his balance and falls over sideways onto the rocks, dropping his awesome collection doo-hicky in the water. Then Dib does a nice thing and jumps in after it to get it back for his bestest friend Zim. What?! No, that's not what happens. Heheh…what really happens is that in his zeal to shove Zim off a cliff to his burny doom, Dib is not paying very good attention to where he is going, and manages to trip over his fallen quarry and fall off the rocks himself. There is a very big splash that goes like this: splaaaaaaaash! Wooooosh! Splat! Okay, I probably shouldn't be writing at 1 in the morning anymore. I think I'll go sleep now and write again tomorrow. Z?
Guess what! I'm back. And guess what else! Time has gone by in the world of fanfiction as well as in the real world…if this is the real world and not a dream…cursed sleep…blah. Anyway, just as a new day has dawned for me, the real KidKourage, another lovely day has begun for my alter ego, KidK. It is Saturday, which is a very nice day during the skool year, especially when you are in college. Needless to say, KidK is heap big happy as she dries the breakfast dishes. ^.^
KidK (singsong): Satur-day! What a day! Rockin' all week with youuuu! (she stops and thinks) Why would anyone ever say that Tuesday and Wednesday are 'happy days?' Somebody must've been insane. Oh well…(she goes back to singing) These days are ooooooooours!
Gir (running into the room): Singing?! Yeah! Git down! (he sings too) These happy days're yours 'an mine! Ha-ppy days!
KidK: ^_^ Every day that I get to sing with you is a happy day! (she puts away the last dish and hangs up her towel)
Gir: Soonly every day will be happy cuz Missy will be home again!
KidK: Yep! To think it's April already! Just a few more weeks of horror and then…freeeeeeeeeedom! Though…Mike and Zim'll still have skool for a month after that…*cackle*
Gir: Yaaaaaaay! Me an' you are gonna dance the day away…with Phyllis!
KidK: o.ô Phyllis?
Gir: You knowwwwww…pretty Phyllis that has all your songs an' stuff an'…an'…the differ'nt purdy purdy pictures on her screeny-dealie an' the greeeeeeeen liiiiiiiiiight…
KidK: You mean…my computer?
Gir: ^.^ She talks to me!
KidK: And it—her name is Phyllis?
KidK: Okay then! You and I and Phyllis will have fun! But first we can have fun today, right now! What should we do first on this fine April Saturday?
Gir: Let's……..ummmmmmmmmm…let's play with the card boxes!
Gir: In the cabby-net! I show you! Come on!
He jumps up and grabs KidK's hand, then drags her out of the kitchen into the livingroom and over to the short little table/cabinet in the corner by the windows. He then plunks down and opens up the cabinet door, pulling out a trio of brown index card filing boxes.
KidK: Ohhhhhhh, you mean the video tape cards. You want to watch something, Gir?
Gir: Naaaaahhh…I just like playin' wit' 'em! (he pulls a bundle of index cards out of one of the boxes and waves them around) Fly, my pretties! Fly!
KidK: O.o…………don't do that! Dad'll get mad if you mix up his precious cards! It took him years to make up those filing boxes! Um, here. (she gently takes hold of Gir's arm to make him stop flailing, and wrests the cards from his grip)
Gir: You want a turn? Okee dokee.
KidK: Yes, it's my turn now. And I'm gonna use it to put these cards back…(she trails off, having noticed the title on the top card in her hand) Oooooooo!
Gir: What is it?!
KidK: Old horror—
Gir: What is it?!
KidK: Old horror mo—
Gir: What is it?!
KidK: Old horror movies! I forgot Dad taped these off AMC at Halloween! And we never got to watch 'em cuz Halloween was a stupid Wednesday and I was at blasted skool…we should watch 'em now!
Gir: Yaaaaaaaaaay! Moooooooooooovieeeeeeeeeeeee!
KidK: Oh! Oh! I know! I'm gonna call Dib up and get him to come watch with us! He likes all that monster stuff real good. I do miss him so…we never see each other anymore, it seems…well, today we will! Lessee…phone, phone…
While KidK looks for her cell phone, Gir does a happy dance of joy because his pal will be coming over shortly. Yippee! The plot is about to start, I think! About a half-hour later…
KidK (throwing open the door): Hiya, Dib! Come on in! Are ya ready for vampires?!
Dib: You bet! You've really got the original Drac…Drac…ah…*achoo!*
KidK: Bless you! Wow, that was some sneeze!
Dib: Yeah…can't seem to stop today…*achoo!*
KidK: You sick? You look kinda pale. Or is it just spring allergies? Mike's got them—they're a pain.
Dib: I don't think I'm allergic to anything…must just be a little cold or something.
KidK: You sure you're OK? (pointing down the hall) I think we've got some cold medicine in the bathroom.
Dib: Nahhh, I'll be fine. Let's watch some 'Dracula'!
KidK: Wooooo! I've got the tape all set up, so you just make yourself at home while I go get Zim.
Dib: Zim? He wants to watch?
KidK: Oh, sorry. By 'get Zim' I meant 'ask Zim if he wants to come up.' He won't, but if I don't at least ask him he'll get all huffy later. Be right back!
She runs off down the stairs and Dib goes out to the livingroom. KidK has pilfered all the pillows in the house and put them together on the floor to make a nice cushy place to sit. On either side of the pile are two folding tables that haven't been set up—so they're just nice flat surfaces—on which have been set out various lovely snacks.
Dib: Wow, nice setup!
Gir (leaping out of nowhere): Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, Dibby!
Dib: Ack! (the surprise causes him to have a serious coughing fit)
Gir: Oh no! Dibby's chokin'! I'll save you! (he jumps on Dib's back and starts hitting him between the shoulder blades) Breathe! Breathe! Whee, this is a fun ride!
KidK (returning): I was right, he didn't want—oh my gods! Get down, Gir!
Gir: 'kay. (unconcerned, he hops off Dib) Look, popcorn!
KidK runs the few steps to where Dib is having his horrible cough attack, gets on her knees beside him, takes one of his hands to steady him, and begins rubbing his back gently but firmly. Presently, her friend is able to draw breath again.
Dib: Thanks…KidK…man…don't know…what happened there…
KidK: Well, whatever you were choking on is gone now, right?
Dib: I…think so…throat's still…scratchy, though.
KidK: You are sick.
Dib: It's no big deal…really…rea—*achoo!*
KidK (shaking her head): No. Uh uh. You've got all the symptoms—sneezing, coughing, scratchy throat…too bad I already got everybody to go elsewhere for the day, or Mom could help. I don't know…(she pauses, her head cocked to one side) Wait, yes I do! Stay right there. Gir, don't hurt Dib.
Gir (face full of popcorn): M'kay, Mister Mackey, m'kay…
KidK goes off for a few minutes into the back of the house, and there is soon the sound of an avalanche of medicine boxes and bottles from the bathroom. Soon, our heroine returns, looking rather proud of herself, and goes into the kitchen. After some problems involving not having enough hands to close the 'fridge and pour things at the same time, she emerges and comes back into the livingroom.
KidK: Okay, here we go. Gir, take everything off the one table and set it up by the couch.
Gir: Ay ay, Captain Missy! (after a few false starts, Gir gets the table set up)
KidK (setting down a cup, napkin, and box of tissues on the table): Now grab a couple of the plain white guest pillows off the floor and put them at this end of the couch…good. And now, Dib, have a lie-down!
Dib (approaching the couch): Are you sure this is necessary?
KidK: Yes. You should rest while we watch the movies so maybe you can get better and have fun at the same time. I got you the non-drowsy kinda cold pills so's you won't fall asleep. Now hop up, and I'll get you the quilt off the back of the chair.
Dib (settling down on the couch): Thanks…sorry about this.
KidK: About what? (she spreads the promised blanket over the couch) You can't control being sick. I just hope you get well soon. ^_^ Now drink your juice. It's orange-strawberry—Mike's patented Happy Juice! And if you want any snacks just ask and I'll pass 'em to ya. And we'll watch 'Dracula' and 'Frankenstein' and 'The Wolfman' and 'Frankenstein Meets the Wolfman' and…and 'House of Dracula' and 'Son of Dracula' and…I think there's even a 'Daughter of Dracula' somewhere in here…
Gir (waving a tape): There iiiiiiiiiiiiiis!
Dib: Cool! I haven't seen…that…*achoo!* Sorry.
KidK: Bless you. ^_^
An hour later, the snack foods have been decimated and Dib's juice is all gone…along with half the box of tissues. However, Dib's illness hasn't stopped him from enjoying the horror movie marathon in the least.
Dib: It's so obvious that that guy is a lycanthrope! He disappears out the window at night and on the same night people get killed!
KidK (munching on mixed nuts): Plush hish clowsh alwash get ripped up.
Dib: Right! What is wrong with these people that they don't get it?!
Gir: I like the pretty girly! She wanna date the Wolfman for sure!
Dib: Even Gir gets it!
Gir: I got it! (he puts a napkin on his head in celebration) Yay for me!
Dib (folding his arms within the folds of his blanket): They're all just stupid.
KidK: Heh…you can really empathize with the detective guy, huh?
Dib (bitterly): Oh yeah. I know just how he feels, all right. Why is it that the people who really know what's going on in these movies always get laughed at? And then when they get rid of the monster nobody even apologizes!
KidK: Well, art imitates life…the gypsy lady! She'll help the poor Wolfman…
Dib: 'Poor Wolfman?' *cough* That's guy's a *coughhack* menace to society!
KidK: But he doesn't mean to be…it's just the transformation-thingy. When he's a normal unfurry guy he's not homicidal or anything. Here, I'll get you more juice.
Dib: Oh, great. So he's not a killer for 25 days out of every 28. That's okay, then. (he hands her his cup) Thanks.
KidK: Ni problema.
Gir: Don't get caught in the bear trap, Mister Wolfie! Ah luvs you! Noooooo!
About an hour after that, the next movie is well underway, and it's getting to be close to lunchtime. Yummy! Still, in this house, lunchtime on a weekend=cranky, hungry Zim emerges from his subterranean home base and is cranky at everyone. And this is just what happens! Let the fun begin!
Dib: Pff! 'Alucard' my butt. *cough* And again nobody makes the connection! He doesn't…doesn't…*cough*…go out in the daytime, for goddsakes!
Gir: The bed-box is pretty!
KidK: That's a coffin, Gir.
Gir (pointing): Dibby's coughin'…
KidK: Yes, he is. (she turns a worried eye back toward her friend) You doing okay?
Zim (stomping up the stairs): Where is the mother-human and why has she not brought me sustenance yet?!
KidK: Oh, Zim. Was Mom supposed to deliver your lunch today? I threw her out of the house hours ago.
Zim (incredulous): You…why?! She is my only source of food on this filthy planet! …and why is the Dib-monkey still here?!
Dib: Shut…*hackcough*…up. Man…(he takes a drink)…that's not pleasant.
Zim: What is not pleasant here is that you continue to be in this house! (he makes shooing motions) Begone!
KidK: Zim, Zim, stop! Don't freak—I will give you lunch. Sheesh…you shouldn't skip breakfast anymore. It makes you crazy.
Zim: Me crazy?
KidK: Yes. (she thrusts a bowl of S'more Ritzes into his hands) Have some sugar while we finish this movie, and then I'll cook you something.
Zim: Bah…fine. (he grumbles a bit more, but sits down next to KidK on the pillow pile and starts crunching on the graham snacks poutily) What's this, anyway?
KidK: 'Son of Dracula.' It's about a vampire. It's very horrible, and therefore funny. O.o……look at the fake bat!
Dib: Heheh…yeah, I don't think real vampires need strings to fly…*achoo!*
KidK: Bless you!
Zim (he is confused): Eh?
Dib: Uh oh…out of tissues…
KidK: I'll get you some more. (she gets up) We've got plenty in the bathroom.
Zim: Oh, yes, you'll get the Dib-thing his nose-wiping paper but you won't get me food.
Gir: I'll make you somethin' in the toaster if ya want, Master!
Zim (staring at Gir): It can wait. (he gives Dib an angry look) What's wrong with you, anyway? Is your pathetic body malfunctioning?
Dib: 'Malfunctioning?' Huh. You would put it that way, being inhuman and all. I've got a cold, apparently.
Zim: A cold, eh? And the quilt and pillows are there to make you warm again?
Dib: No…*cough*…I don't mean I'm cold, I mean I…*hack*…have a cold. As in I'm sick.
Zim (narrowing his eyes): So the blanket is not necessary?
Dib: I wouldn't die if you took it away, if that's what you mean.
Zim: Feh…too bad…the cold-sickness is not fatal?
Dib: If it was, do you really think KidK would be trying to treat me herself in her house?
Zim (smugly): Well, she is my ally. For all I know she is trying to kill you for me.
Dib: I don't think so, Zi—*achoo!*
KidK (returning): Here I come to save the daaaaaay! Tissues galore for mah sick homey. (she plunks down another box of tissues on the snack table)
KidK: Bless ya! (she sits down again) So, what'd I miss?
Gir: The pretty lady don't wanna date Wolfie anymore—she wanna date Mister Mustache!
KidK: That's not the same girl—but yes, they are exactly alike, aren't they? Heheh…no point in even remembering all their names…the end is always the same.
Zim: The greasy male human does seem to have some kind of control over the female…how is it done?
Dib: That's because he's not *cough* human, Zim. He's a *hackcough* vampire—a dangerous freak like *cough* you!
KidK: That cough of yours is getting worse, Dibby…you've got juice left?
Dib (rather pathetically): Yeah…*hackcoughcough*…I'm good…
Zim (triumphant): You are not good! You are clearly dying! Muhahahahaaaaaa! At last…victory for the amazing Zim!
KidK: _ô Well, apart from being a very rude thing to say…why in the world would you say that, Zim? Victory for you? More like victory for the cold virus. And by the way, Dib's not dying. He just needs rest and…food? 'Feed a cold, starve a fever?' Or is that backwards? I forget.
Gir: Feed a cold? Feed? Food? Food for me? I'm cold! I'm cold! Feed me!
Zim (suspiciously): What is this…virus? Is it like a *shudder* germ?
KidK: Not exactly. They both cause sicknesses but not in the same way, and in any case germs are microorganisms and viruses aren't alive. (KidK's pointless biology lesson of the day! Whee!)
Zim: They aren't alive and yet they create illness in humans…O.O…and Irkens? (he grabs KidK's arm) Is the virus contagious? Is it safe to be here? Do I need my Lemon Pledge Spray?!
KidK: Yes viruses are contagious, but no I don't know if they affect Irkens. Yes it's fairly safe to be here as long as you don't let Dib breathe on you and you don't drink his juice. No you don't need your Pledge unless it'll make you feel better. Okay?
Zim: No it's not okay! My life could be in danger here!
Dib (muttering to himself): I'm sick and his life is in danger…hey! Zim! I just thought of something—this is all your fault!
Zim: What? Me? The virus must have eaten your brain! For though I am an incredible genius I had no knowledge of this cold-illness before today! If I had I would have unleashed its fury on you and killed you long ago!
KidK: For the last time, Zim, Dib is not going to die. Now Dib, why would Zim have anything to do with your cold?
Dib: Because he tripped me into the moldy water tower lake yesterday—he didn't tell you? He gloated at me for the rest of the day about it!
KidK: Right, your field trip. So being wet and outside made you susceptible and the virus took its chance…
Gir (staring at the TV): Look! The pretty hot flowers! But…they're not red!
Zim: I'm not to blame! The filthy Dib was running at me screaming like a moose! (he points at Dib) You caused your own sickness, human!
KidK: So…you were gonna push Zim in the lake first, Dib?
Gir (pulling on KidK's sleeve): Why're the flowers gray, Missy?
Dib: He was gonna mutate the mold and make everyone stupid from the water and…man, that is the dumbest plan I've ever heard of! Why was I even worried?
Zim: Because I am going to destroy your species!
KidK (shaking her head): You guys…you never learn…well, maybe this'll teach you a lesson.
Gir: Teach me 'bout the flowers!
Zim (eyeing KidK): 'Teach me a lesson?'
KidK: Well, you might catch Dib's cold…and who knows? It might be worse for Irkens.
Dib: Yeah! *coughhackcoughcough* C'mere so I can cough on ya, alien!
Zim: o_o No…I do not fear your puny Earth diseases! You may die from them but I—I am invincible! (he gets up and backs away toward the stairs—carefully keeping his distance from the couch—while continuing) In fact, I care so little about your sickness, Dib-monkey, that I am going back to work and forgetting about you entirely!
KidK: Aw, you don't hafta work today! Stay and watch movies with us—and I haven't made you lunch yet.
Zim: But…I left Sammi sleeping down in the lab and she may well be awake and destroying things by now.
KidK: Ohhhh…that's true. Go get her and come back and I'll give her food too. She hasn't eaten since like 6.
Zim (hissing at KidK): I'm not coming back and rendering myself vulnerable to…(he points at Dib, who is sneezing violently)…that!
Dib: Hey…*achoo!*…Zim! You need a sample of…*achoo!*…human snot?
Zim: O.O……..aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (he takes off like a shot down the stairs)
Dib: Well that *sniff* got rid of him, at least.
Gir: Master screams like the pretty lady in the flower house!
KidK (turning back to the movie): Flower house? …oops. We kinda missed the ending…
Gir: I'll tell ya! The people were in this place but they didn't wanna be there cuz it was gonna be the sun soon so they went home but somebody put hot flowers in it but they weren't red an' orange like before they were just gray an' I don't know why but Mister Mustache yelled a lot an' said 'nooooooooooo' but then his coughin' bedbox got crumbly an' he turned inna smoke an' the girly screamed real good but now she's okee an' can marry the hat guy if she wanna cuz the evil spell got broked by the flowers! (he tosses some pretzels in the air) An' then we all did a can-can 'til the cows come home! Mooooooooooo! Whee! Whee!
Dib and KidK: …………………………………………………..
Gir: An' they lived happily ever after the end. ^_^
KidK: Oh. Well…that's good, then. I really should feed Sammi now, if you don't mind. (rolling her eyes) If Zim'll let me, that is. I can make you soup if you want, Dib.
Dib: No…I think I should *coughhack* probably go home…(he sits up and slides off the couch)
KidK: Aw! But we haven't even gotten through half the movies yet! Ah, but if you don't feel good it's not as fun, and you should get your rest.
Dib: And I don't wanna…*cough*…make you sick too.
KidK: Oh, that. Don't worry. I was sick constantly when I was little so I've had and gotten over nearly every cold virus in the tri-state area already. You can't get the exact same cold twice, you know! So after you beat one you'll never see it again. Gives you confidence, yeah? ^_^
Dib (smiling weakly): Yeah…
KidK: Can you walk okay or do you want me to drive you? Cuz I'll drive you, no problem.
Dib: I'll be fine. Don't worry.
KidK walks her friend down the stairs to the door and sees him off.
Dib: You'll see—I'll be back tomorrow good as new and we'll watch Frank…Franken…*achoo!*
KidK: Bless you.
Dib: *sniff* Thanks. See you, KidK. (he starts off for home)
KidK: Yep. (calling after him) Make sure you drink a lot! Oh! And remember to take medicine every four hours! And…and if you need anything just call or have Gaz call and I'll get it for you! Like if you run out of tissues or food or…anything!
Dib (calling back from halfway down the street): Okay! That's great! Thanks a lot, KidK…*achoo!*
KidK (at the top of her lungs): Bless you!
And That Is The End Of Part One! Wait And Watch As I Let This Story Get Out Of Hand Too! Stop Me, Before I Write Again! Yeeeeeee!