It was a good day, and it seemed as though most of the residents of anime land had traveled to the beach to appreciate it. The sun was hot, and all the well-endowed anime women bounced about, scantily clad, as they were wont to do. Couples lay together on large, fluffy beach towels, enjoying the sun... Yakamo and Pai, Jubei and Kagero, Lina and Gourry, Laocorn and Sulia, Tetsuro and Maetel, Fatura and Alielle, Chihaya and Kagetsuya... The list was endless.
A group of little anime children were playing together near the water's edge, mouths wide with glee. Dan and Vienna patted a lop-sided sandcastle into being, occasionally interupted as Chibiusa inserted a small shell for decoration. Dan Fan splashed happily in the waves as he pretended to fight with Tony, mimicking his father's moves. Mid hovered above the rest, slightly peeved at being sent to play with children.
Lord Bat Robus stood quite a distance from the water, scooping rice and soy sauce into his mouth as quickly as it would go. Nearby, Ghim stood sharpening his axe, and an old man squinted vaguely out to sea. Miguel bragged tastelessly about his new record-besting 1500 mounted men alone and on foot-- heedless that he'd lost his audience long ago.
Ura lay curled on a mound of sand, tail twitching gently as she kept an eye on Makoto from a distance. Beside her, Pikachu snored softly. "...pika... chu...... pika... chu......" The ba-bom-bom thing sat near them, head cocked curiously as it watched the seagulls. "Bom?" It demanded occasionally of a passer-by, but was ignored, as no one could understand it.
Yes, it was a good day in anime land... Until.........
From out of nowhere a breeze stirred up, forcing the meagerly covered anime girls to wrap beach towels around them and driving the playing children from the now-cold water. Clouds gathered overhead, dark and forbidding, and suddenly lightning flashed. A dark figure descended from the clouds, and hovered before the good people of anime land, laughing maniacally. His monkey-like features were twisted with fiendish glee, his eyes stereotypically a glowing red.
All fell deathly silent... And then someone ventured, "Who are you?"
The dark figure laughed, a high, annoying laugh, doubtless meant to sound wicked and imposing. "You mean..." The figure left a cheesy dramatic pause, then began talking several seconds after his lips had begun to move. "You don't know? I am the ultimate evil, the darkest..." Another pause, just as badly placed. "...Most horrifying thing you will ever see! I am Warui, dark lord of the realms beyond, bringer of terror, and... The embodiment of......" Lighting crashed. "Bad anime!!"
A gasp rose from the assembled throng.
"Oh my God!!!" cried the old man standing away from the water.
"Hai! And I have come to drag you all..." His lips stopped moving as he continued to speak. "Down with me!"
A voice lifted from the crowd; it was Mai's, frighteningly cliched. "You'll never get away with this!" she cried, and then drew back in horror as she realized what she'd said.
"Hahaha!" came the irritating laugh. "I already have! Hahahahahaa!"
"No you haven't!" a man's voice proclaimed. "By the time I'm through with you, you'll wish you'd never met me...... me or... Ogre Slayer..."
A dark-haired youth stepped forward, drawing a sword from the place where it was inconspicuously covered on his back. He leveled it easily, pointing it toward the menace.
"Ha!" The man's monkey face shone with cruel amusement as he spewed badly-translated lines. "Your ill-placed blows will never harm a hair on my body!"
The dark-haired youth gave a cry, and Onikirimaru rushed toward the man. A flash of white blinded all present, and the wicked blade sunk into the man...
Another flash, and the blade sunk in again, mirroring the first strike perfectly...
Brilliant white, and another blow...
At the end of the dizzying replay, the young man stood panting; the sword protruded from Warui's back, and enormous amounts of blood spewed from the wound.
"Fool!" cried the man. "Your weapons can do no harm to me! I will never die!! Hahahahaha!!!"
The Ogre Slayer flew over the heads of those in the crowd at a mere gesture from the man, skidding painfully along the rocky sand as he came to a stop just by the water's edge.
"Ha!" Warui exclaimed, "You've been rendered unconscious easily, despite your previous prowess in battle! You are falling to me even through," A long, badly placed pause. "Your efforts to overwhelm me! An unexplained defeat at the most inopportune moment... You're all becoming..." Thunder crashed ominously. "Bad anime!"
"Iie!" piped a voice. "You can't do this! I won't let you!" It was a young woman with tousled blond hair and a cat's tail; her sweet face was set in determination.
"Hahahahaha.... Hahahahaaaa.... Haahahahahaaa!! And what will you do about it, little kitty?"
Fam didn't answer... Instead, her voice rose in a spell. "Oh, spirits of the earth and sky, help me beat this evil guy!!!"
A brilliant light gathered in her hand as she stood; it grew and swelled, and she spread her arms to hurl the magical force. It rushed toward the threatening figure... And stopped nearly five feet from the target.
"Ha! You've fallen victim to another of my intentionally evil plots!" cried the man, adding pointless words to fill space. "Badly rhymed and badly written spell incantations! Hahahahaaa!!"
Fam gasped, realizing her mistake too late.
"Now, you will pay!" The massive mouth of the monkey-faced man continued to move for several moments. Then, slowly, he drew back his arms and went through painfully elaborate movements. "Pit of deepest, darkest night, end this pointless little fight!!"
Beneath the now-terrified girl, a gaping maw appeared, dark and bottomless and eternal. Down Fam tumbled, down into the inky depths... "Ihriiiieeeeee!!!!!!"
"Hahahaa!" barked Warui. "You'll never escape now! You've fallen into a plot hole big enough to down an entire bus filled with peanut butter!! Hahahaaaaa!!!!"
The residents of anime land shared uneasy sweatdrop-tinged glances at the obviously butchered translation.
"Now..." declared the man as he curbed his grating laugh, "I'll finish you all!"
As one, the terrified citizens shrank back... And then blinked in surprise as a figure appeared, floating in mid-air before the dark man.
"What's this? Another challenger?" cried Warui. "It seems," A long pause occurred, efficiently chopping the sentence in two. "I need another plot hole!"
"Iie..." beamed the figure. "Not really... I'm not challenging you, exactly."
"Ha! Too cowardly to fight me? What's wrong... Do I scare you?" The embodiment of bad anime laughed in a tone reserved solely for the mockery inescapably performed by overconfident villains. "Or do you think you have me beaten, pathetic little man?"
"Ah..." winked the figure. "Sore wa himitsu desu."
"You won't keep so many secrets when you find yourself wasting away at the bottom of a plot hole, all but forgotten!" roared Warui.
"Yare yare..." Xelloss wagged his finger in a scolding fashion, as one speaking to a child. "Don't we have a temper?"
"Pit of deepest, darkest night--" the man began.
"Calm down, Warui-kun," smiled the mazoku priest. "I just wanted to remind you about something."
The words to the spell died on the man's lips as his concentration was broken by the figure's statement. "I'll cast you down like the dog you are and--"
"I'll be forgotten about and rot away in the plot hole!" agreed Xelloss cheerily. "But first, there's something you should know."
"Hurry it up!" bellowed the monkey-faced man.
"Alright, Warui-kun." The mazoku smiled. "I take it you realize the story's almost over, hai?"
"Well, of course! I'm about to turn you all into bad anime and make you my helpless slaves for the remainder of your pathetic lives!" came the stereotypical sharing-of-plans speech, in which all villains explain what they intend to do. "Hahahahaa!"
"Um... hai." The grin returned after a brief tinge of disgust. "And you know how all anime have to end... Hai?"
"Of course! Any fool knows that every anime ends with at least two minutes of character development in which any inner conflicts are resolved and a feeling of absolution is achieved in some sense, be it good or bad."
Xelloss waited patiently as the sentence, heavy-laden with unneeded words, came to a close. Then he beamed hugely. "Hai! And guess what, Warui-kun?"
The monkey-faced man scowled. "I no longer care to trifle in your petty little games! I will destroy you all, turning you to mindless, stereotypical--"
"You didn't guess..." the mazoku pouted. "Ah well... I'll tell you anyway." Xelloss smiled. It was a pleased expression. "Time's up!"
"What?!" cried Warui, looking about in horror. "It can't be! The story's only just started! The conflict can't end so soon!" His mouth continued to work for quite a time, making no noise at all.
"Sayonara!" Xelloss waved.
Around the body of the monkey-faced man, darkness seemed to gather, the very darkness that had appeared with his arrival. It turned in on itself, twisting and writhing as lightning painted the sky a ghastly shade. Closer it pressed against him, closer, until at last he was invisible for the cloak of blackness about him. It continued to spiral inward though, further and further, until at last it diminished into oblivion, winking out of existence with a sudden flash of light...
It was a good day, and the residents of anime land were doing their best to appreciate it. At someone's suggestion, a barbecue had been brought, and now the smell of burnt chicken wafted on the sea breeze. A cooler of soda rested nearby, filled with melted ice and quite a bit of unintended sand, as well as miscellaneous alcoholic drinks for those that didn't care for soda.
The little anime children, imaginations captured by the sudden arrival of Warui, ran about with a seemingly endless supply of energy as they played at fighting the monkey-faced man. Tripping seldom, they pelted the 'enemy' with balls of wet sand and broken seashells, banding together to fight the common threat.
The heavy-chested women once again had exposed themselves, laying out in the sun in order to provide an ample view for any who cared to take interest. The bathing suits left little to the imagination, and they allowed themselves to drift freely into more relaxed positions now that they were feeling more at ease.
The couples had, all in all, managed to creep a little closer together, feeling grateful for the absence of the monkey-faced Warui. The day felt a little brighter since it had been known in comparison to the darkness now gone, and shyness melted away under the heat of the sun. Kisses were exchanged, embraces...... Gourry landed in the water, propelled by a large explosion.
Onikirimaru had awoken and, though shamed to be beaten, was no worse for wear. Indeed, it seemed his defeat was an unexplainable plot twist inspired by the dark and frightening magic invoked by the embodiment of bad anime.
Fam, too, had been returned to her rightful place among the people of anime land, and cradled Ura in her lap as she petted the 'kitty'. Occasionally, she chattered happily to the ba-bom-bom thing, which she understood with perfect ease.
Mai silently vowed never to utter a cheesy line again... Though she was painfully aware she had been under Warui's influence. Even she didn't dwell long on such dark thoughts, though; adjusting her bathing suit, she bounced off to give nosebleeds to any watching fanboys.
Xelloss, of course, was nowhere in sight. Secrets to attend to, he'd claimed with a wink before disappearing as suddenly as he'd come.
All in all, it was a good day in anime land... Good, if a bit strange...