VERY IMPORTANT YOU READ THIS: this story is not meant to be taken seriously. It is stretching what's acceptable to write as fanfiction in an absolutely ridiculous way, even bordering on somewhat cracky. I KNOW this could never happen, I HOPE this never happens, and it WOULD be ridiculous if this ever happened. Quite literally, I've written an unrealistic story that's sole purpose, other than being amusing, is to help me work through the crushes I have on some characters from this show. I repeat, I UNDERSTAND THIS ISN'T REALISTIC, THIS IS FANFICTION, AND I'VE UTILIZED MY IMAGINATION TO THE GREATEST DEGREE HERE. Otherwise, I hope you get a crack out of this story. It's meant to be funny with the slightest bit of romance. And despite it's lack of realism, I will try to keep those from the show marginally in character. There will obviously be events I've changed for the purpose of this story! Also, it may start out a bit confusing at first because you'll be introduced to characters you don't know, but stick with it and you'll understand what's going on fairly quick. Enjoy!
Chapter 1 - The Search for the Most Interesting Creature in Existence or Bloody Hell, No One Gets Along
"Gentlemen, ladies, witches, warlocks, demons, spirits, and those in between, I'd like to thank you for-."
"Will there be refreshments?"
Everyone's heads snapped to the spirit of Vincent Price who was casually reclining in his wooden chair with a mysterious smile as one finger traced his thin, black mustache.
"You're dead," a female demon spat scathingly. "You don't need to eat."
"That does not mean I am not hungry. Alexander promised refreshments."
"Actually," inserted a witch with round, wiry spectacles, "I only came to this meeting for the refreshments as well."
"Free loaders," the demon muttered.
"Calm yourself, Vera," the male demon to her right - Kobal - soothed. "Being rude solves little. Try approaching your irritation from a more positive angle."
Vera hissed malignantly at his condescending tone, earning an appreciative glance from the sole warlock at the table, Andre. Who just happened to have a thing for assertive females.
"I feel a lot of us would benefit from vodka right about now," Mia suggested shyly, sensing the tension in the room.
"Shut up, you human vermin."
"Vera," Kobal warned again, though not without mockery in his voice.
"I wouldn't mind vodka," Brock admitted, meeting Mia's eyes. "Don't worry, I got your back, pretty lady."
"Christ," Vera and Kobal muttered unanimously.
"What's wrong with a little love connection?" the bespectacled witch - Audrey - inquired. "I personally think it's romantic."
"If you're inclined to commit suicide, then I'm sure seeing the two little humans flirt is just up your alley."
"I'm not flirting back!" Mia insisted, peering at Vera. "And I don't even find him that attractive."
"But you do a little bit," she sneered. "That's all it takes. Settling down, popping out a few beasts, and retiring in some beach house in Florida. You ever wonder why we like to possess you? It's because you're boring little fuckers who wouldn't know excitement if it bit you on the snatch."
Vincent lost it at this, stifling his giggles behind a pale hand. Women certainly didn't talk so freely in his days.
Kobal saw the combative glint in Vera's eye and wisely stayed silent.
"Baby, you can possess me any day of the week and I can show you just how exciting it is to be in control of this motor boat. Keep all hands and feet inside for the remainder of this ride, please. You must be this hot to enter," Brock offered suavely, throwing the demon a flirtatious wink.
"By the balls of Gandhi himself," Kobal groaned with a shake of the head, studying his nails. "This isn't going to end well."
"I'll rip your spine out of your ass," came Vera's murderous response.
"This is no longer romantic."
With that, Audrey conjured herself the latest edition of Wicca-Cosmo, ignoring the battle of intense glaring going down at the table. Supposedly, there was a fascinating article on how to stimulate the male organ of your lover from halfway around the world. Oh, Sergio would love the unexpected surprise!
"Are you single?"
"Eat me," Vera growled at Andre.
"I'm talented at oral-."
"She meant it sarcastically, young wizard. Plus, it's doubtful you could handle her," Kobal patiently noted.
"Yep, definitely need that vodka," Mia murmured, trying to bury herself into the chair.
"Demons are notoriously ill tempered," Vincent offered helpfully from her left, "don't take it personally if they don't like you."
"I'm not even supposed to be here," she whispered back with a tired shake of the head. "I'm only the PA. Why'd Alfred have to get married anyway? All he did was complain about women anyway."
The six occupants of the table paused their bickering, slowly allowing the leader of the meeting to have a voice once more.
"Can't we get through one meeting without everyone trying to provoke each other?" Alexander questioned feebly.
"If I may, Alex," Vincent motioned politely, "this is the first meeting where you've congregated such a vast variety of creatures and species into one room. On normal circumstances, we occupy our separate floors of this studio. Undoubtedly, opinions and lifestyles will clash when brought together."
"I chose you six specifically for many reasons, the most important one being that you are more tolerant of each other than your kind permit. Was I wrong in my assumption?"
There was an awkward silence for a minute. No one wanted to be the first to admit they were acting like a royal butthead.
"I am here because I respect you, Alexander," Vera stated regally. "And because I believe in this preposterous dream you have. Anyone else in this room is nothing but mere dirt to me."
Andre's shoulders visibly slumped.
"Vera has also grown bored with the common activity our kind engage in," Kobal added. "What you are attempting to usher in, fascinates not only her, but myself as well. Though, I like to think I'm a bit more progressive than the average demon. By the way, it's an honor to meet you, Mr. Price. House of Wax is a particular favorite."
"A demon with a queer taste in films? Oh, my heart would beat enthusiastically, were it not already dead and shriveled," Vincent sighed, throwing the demon a wink. "I too respect you, Alex, dear. Your determination is what ultimately caught my interest. As you know, I long ago made the decision to stay on Earth as a spirit. I thought it majestic and peculiar. A lifetime of simple observation. But, as of late, I've grown restless. I seek to do something eventful with my afterlife. Though fonder of humanity, I hold no prejudice against any of you. And Vera, my sweet, I find you utterly fascinating. The human vessel you possess...you waited until the human inside was nearly dead from disease before taking vacancy. However malevolent you wish to come off, understand you have my appreciation."
"Were you still alive, I would extirpate your organs," she growled.
"She's touched," Kabol translated, grinning when Vera struck him.
"I love movies and TV shows more than the average witch," Audrey blurted, green eyes sparkling. "And the older generation of my kind thinks I'm just into being hedonistic. My coven even kicked me out because I kept missing Thursday night spell sessions for Grey's Anatomy. Entertainment is important to me, and I think it is to a lot more supernatural beings than we're aware of. I'd like to help you spread that entertainment."
"You a McDreamy or McSteamy fan?" Brock questioned slyly.
"That's not even a competition. McDreamy! I had a huge Patrick Dempsey fetish for a long time!"
Brock grinned knowingly at this, though how he would know anything about that, is a question best left unanswered.
"I think it's awesome, personally, that there's finally going to be a channel for all the supernatural folk," he drawled happily. "That's cool of you, Alex. Guessing I'm here 'cause you need my expertise? That's rad too. And I don't mind any of you so long as you try to stop with all the hate. Man, I swear, reading the newspaper is like war for my eyes."
"I think we all know who's responsible for that misery."
Vera evened out her features when Brock's expression turned somber.
"Sister, you know all that trouble ain't all us. You guys just hide your misdeeds better."
Kobal and Vera half-shrugged at this, knowing he wasn't completely wrong.
"You and I've been friends for awhile, Alex, and this...it's about the craziest idea you've ever had," Andre acknowledged, offering him a grin. "But if there's anyone who can reach the masses, it's you. I don't like fighting. I try to avoid using magic as much as I can. And I like your idea because maybe, people who are fed up with all the struggle for power, wouldn't mind tuning out to a little entertainment once in awhile. Also, I got kicked off the Bachelorette for masturbating in the hot tub."
The laugh Vera expelled was sinister.
"What's a 'Bachelorette'?" Vincent queried.
"Twenty-five manwhores try to seduce an insecure hussy who'll always be known as second best," Kabol explained pleasantly.
"They ain't all man-whores," Brock defended.
Audrey let out a derisive snort. "Sweetheart, how many of the relationships actually last?"
"If I was on that show-."
"The Bachelorette would hang herself during your date," Vera finished.
"Is suicide a common occurrence on this show?" Vincent voiced in concern.
"Little lady, I don't know what you got against good looking men from Texas-."
"Oh, that explains so much! Brawl, ego, and ignorance."
"Texas isn't that bad," Andre defended.
"George W. Bush," Audrey reminded pointedly.
"Most of the time, it isn't that bad," the warlock remedied.
"GUYS! Really? Arguing about 'the Bachelorette'?" Mia interrupted, finding her voice. "Alex brought us together for a reason. Arguing isn't why."
"You serve no real importance," Vera brushed off. "Is Alfred not supposed to be here? I find I tolerate him much more than his little rube."
Mia stared at the demon, slightly perplexed. "Uh...rube?"
"Outdated insult," Kabol commented. "She believes you to be a stupid, ignorant hick."
"Lady...or whatever you are, you have got to update your vocabulary. We're obviously going to be working on something big, so either suck it up, or get the hell out. Were Alfred here, he'd tell you the same thing."
"You dare tell me what to do?"
"Vera," Alex intercepted, looking at her wearily, "please, if it's too much trouble getting along with everyone else, you don't have to be a part of this project. I won't think any differently of you."
The demon grumbled in a not quite human language, but stayed seated.
"I wasn't clear on the refreshment situation. Were there going to be any?" Vincent inquired politely.
Alex contained the urge to roll his eyes, instead, snapping his fingers.
Instantly, an assortment of muffins, champagne, gin, and shrimp appeared.
"Is the theme of the refreshments foods from Vincent's time period?" Andre joked, plucking a shrimp off the tray.
"I've found in my experiences that very few people complain when champagne and shrimp are involved. I met the most interesting woman in the spring of 65' over a lovely glass of-."
"Vincent, if I may."
"Yes, my sincerest apologies. Do go on."
"Thank you." Alex nodded graciously. "I understand this is unusual for you all. To be assembled this way. Usually, this studio segregates creatures and beings from each other as a means of keeping the peace. Even when forced to interact, the quarreling is kept to a minimum. A few snarls here and there, one near possession-."
"Terribly sorry about that," Vincent inserted quickly. "Diana was unusually curious as to what would happen should she attempt to occupy the same vessel a demon."
"Ugh, I remember that," Audrey shivered. "They had to exorcise that demon back to hell, it was so pissed."
"Rightly so," Vera added. "Tell that wretched body thief that there's a significant risk of her being caught and tortured, should she cross my path."
"Spirits are dead as it is," Mia stated slowly. "How could it get any worse?"
"Salted and burned repeatedly," Kabol mentioned. "Done enough and it'll make the spirit wish it'd said yes to its reaper."
"I hope to avoid a disaster of that proportion," Alex declared, looking at each and every one of them. "The reason for this coming together is positive. Those who have been at this studio for the past two years are aware of my purpose for it. To eventually broadcast on cable the very first entertainment channel for the supernatural community, only able to be accessed through a special code."
The six of them nodded simultaneously at this.
"Though the past two years have been rocky and we've seen a heated struggle to accept this studio's proposal, ultimately, we've prevailed to the point where a fair majority of our community has paid for the access code."
Alex paused, a slow smile spreading across his lips. "My fellow friends, in one week, I am proud to announce that we will be watching the first aired show on our channel for the supernatural, SPN."
No one had been aware of this information up to this point, so, understandably, they all had their own reaction.
Mia and Andre gasped.
Vera lifted an eyebrow - a gesture of overwhelming surprise on her part.
Kobal merely smirked, nodding his head contentedly.
Brock did a mini-fist pump and nearly choked on his shrimp tail in the process, causing Vera to smile blithingly.
Vincent clapped one hand to his mouth, eyes shining warmly.
Audrey only stared at Alex in shock.
"Is this really happening?" she pestered, lips parted. "I mean...we went through so much negativity. Everyone was worried about being exposed. A lot of demons wanted to kill you because you had humans employed here."
"It's a technological age. And after the near apocalypse two years ago, some aren't so willing to pick fights anymore. They're willing to give this form of entertainment a shot. Which is why this time next week will be so crucial. I've decided the first broadcast for SPN will be a live interview. Something easy to start off with, yet equally riveting. Unfortunately, I'm clueless as to who my guest should be. This is why you six are here. You are all from different backgrounds. Different networks. Your goal is to find the first interviewee. It matters not what species or gender or age. My only request is that this person is so fucking intriguing that turning the channel doesn't even cross the viewer's mind"
"Alex, you've swore. I've never heard you swear before," Vincent observed.
Alex released a mirthful laugh, clapping his hands. "I apologize. My excitement seems to be getting the better of me. This day...I did not think I'd ever see it come. Our very own television channel!"
For the first time all evening, a sort of serene mood settled upon the occupants of the room. Granted, they still had their misgivings with others (cough, cough, Vera vs. everyone, cough, cough), but it wasn't urgent enough to overpower the revived sense of purpose. Entertainment for the supernatural was going mainstream.
And no one wanted to fuck this up.
**Five Days Later**
"Vampires are booooring," Audrey whined. "Plus, Ivan hid during some of the most important events in history."
"I don't understand why you are all negating my idea," Vera protested angrily. "I've all but secured War himself! A damned horsemen! The stories he has to share are...engrossing."
"I admire the idea, Vera, but I want to have a guest a bit more...level minded," Alex reasoned. "War, while undoubtedly fascinating, has the habit of getting...gruesome and violent."
"Of course he does! That's the point!"
"Not all of our audience wants gore and murder," Andre spoke up, decidedly feeling no longer infatuated with the demoness. "We need someone more impartial. What about a skinwalker?"
"Don't make me laugh," she snarked. "When they aren't being cocky fucks, they blabber on about the physical discrimination they've suffered. Unless we have one boiled alive on air, our audience will be stifling snores."
"I can get in contact with the witch who accidentally started the London fire of 1666," Audrey offered. "And the Chicago fire in 1871. She was a bit...clumsy."
"Wasn't she blinded in 1404?" Andre recalled.
"Yeah...maybe not a good idea."
"Y'all can try Atropos. That smokin' Fate with the nice rack. Ran into her while I was vacationing in Greece. She had a day off. The stories she can tell," Brock whistled.
"You've met Atropos?"
This was the first time Vera didn't direct pure anger at him. Merely slight surprise.
"Yep. It was a beach bar. She was going on about her sisters and some stuff 'bout the apocalypse. We went back to my room sometime in between the seventh and eighth margarita."
"Margarita? Oh, aren't you a masculine man?" Vera scoffed.
"Baby, I'll have whatever she's having so long as she's having me at the end of the night, y'a dig?"
Vincent studied Brock with deep interest.
"Your lingo continues to elude me, but I am under the impression that you value the passion of a woman."
"How quaint. To make love to Fate herself. I am tempted to inquire-."
"Don't," Audrey inserted. "I really don't need to know."
Vera and Mia nodded their affirmations.
"Mia, do you have an idea?" Alex asked.
"Well, since Alfred isn't back yet from vacation, I've been thinking about what the interview should be about. What could be such an interesting topic that everyone will want to tune in to hear, no matter their species."
"Have you considered an idea?"
Mia shook her head. "Not yet. Every time I do, the individual isn't mysterious enough. Everyone seems to know a little bit about everyone. I'll keep working, though."
"Where is Kolab? I miss his presence," Vincent admitted whimsically, glancing at the empty chair.
"He'll be late," Vera mentioned off-handedly, rubbing at her temples.
"Well, since no one has considered the idea, may I ask your thoughts on having the lovely Cleopatra be interviewed?"
Everyone's eyes shot to Vincent.
"Yes. She's an exquisite character. I only warn that you do not bring up Miss Elizabeth Taylor's portrayal of her in the film. She is not as...taken with it as the world is."
"It's a great idea, Vincent," Alex supported. "My only hesitance would be how far of an audience she could reach. Her role in history is one of human significance. I can't be sure the demon community or the vampire community would take to her experiences."
"Just an offer," he shrugged good-nautredly.
"This is harder than I thought it'd be," Mia murmured.
Vera was ready to reintroduce her idea of interviewing War when unexpectedly, there was a knock on the conference room door.
"Come in," Alex called.
To everyone's surprise, Kolab entered, but he wasn't alone.
"Ugh, another human? Just what we need," Vera scowled, glaring dismissively at their new guest. "Aren't the clueless rube and idiotic Texan, enough?"
"Alexander, hello," Kolab greeted, allowing the newcomer to step into the room.
Once inside, the demon closed the door.
"I'm sorry, I don't believe I've met your friend. I haven't seen her in my studio before."
"No caution is necessary," he assured, picking up on his hesitance. "Nikki is just as aware of the supernatural community, if not more, considering her experiences."
This eased Alexander down considerably. He observed the girl with a kinder expression.
"I am Alexander Cyrus Katsaros. Alex, for short. If Kolab hasn't already informed you, I own this studio."
Nikki's eyes landed on Alex and she returned his kind smile.
"I have told her the purpose of this studio," the demon announced. "She's fascinated by the idea."
"It's unique," Nikki elaborated, eyeing her surroundings with intrigue. "My name is Nicole. I'm...a human? Sorry, I don't know how I should introduce myself to you...all."
Uncertainly, she raised her hand and offered them a wave with an anxious, yet sturdy grin.
"What is she doing here?" Vera cut in, watching her dirtily. "We're busy."
"I know," Kolab defended, turning to Nikki. "So, without further ado, I present to you our first interviewee."
"You have got to be kidding me."
"I too am skeptical," Alex pitched in cautiously. "Not that Nicole doesn't have her attributes, I'm sure, but she is human. I had hoped to keep away from the race because of the general animosity aimed towards them and lack of lifetime experience. Their lives tend to be quite...expendable."
Kolab's lips erupted into a strange smile as he returned his gaze to Nikki.
"Nikki's life, the past two years in particular, are unbelievably gripping. For example, are you aware that she is the reason the apocalypse never took place?"
"By the Bogarts, is that true?" Vincent inquired, studying Nikki with a renewed interest.
"Bullshit," Vera denied.
"Unfortunately, I second that," Audrey followed up. "Besides, I heard something about two brothers...hunters, I think...who stopped it."
"They held it off," Kobal confirmed. "But, without Nikki, Lucifer and Michael would have destroyed each other as well as this world. Aren't you at all curious as to what Nikki did to settle their feud?"
Being the recipient of intense staring didn't faze Nikki anymore.
"Maybe I'm not what you're looking for...," she trailed off.
"Nonsense. I hardly realized two hours had gone by once you finally finished your story. She not only caught my interest, but kept it."
"You're unnaturally interested in abominations," Vera accused.
"And this is the most wondrous, special abomination I've ever come across."
"How'd you stop the apocalypse?" Mia interjected.
Nikki inhaled carefully before grabbing the collar of her white t-shirt. Steadily, she pulled it away from her neck, past her collarbone, to just above the swell of her breast.
Audrey automatically shot up to her feet and approached Nikki, eyes wide.
"Oh My Isis," she marveled softly, pausing before the human girl, one hand hovering over the glowing, bright blue sigil. "Is...that what I think it is?"
"Um, yeah," Nikki mumbled, glancing down at it as her cheeks grew red. "I normally hate showing it. Sort of makes me feel like I'm their property, you know?"
"What is it?" Brock asked, meandering his way next to Audrey.
Quite soon, everyone gathered before Nikki, eyes washing over the odd engraving. For the symbol was quite literally etched into her skin. Rather than reflecting a sore red, however, it glowed blue.
"That's an Enochian sigil," Audrey revealed, shaking her head in awe. "Not just an ordinary one, though. It's got the markings of a soul bond. Quite literally, these curves indicate Nicole's soul linking to that of an angel's grace. That, on it's own, is rare enough. I heard stories about this, but never believed it. Humans born with these sigils only came along once in a great while and were seldom actually found by the angels they were linked to. There wasn't exactly a map or internal compass to lead them to each other. Which is unfortunate because those born with the sigils were usually a gift to angels from God. The human was said to be imperfect in the eyes of man, but sublime to the grace intertwined with her soul. Literally, the angel's soul mate."
"God doesn't ask you, by the way," Nikki inserted with a weak laugh, "whether you're cool with this. Just...sorta does it."
"The sigil would be with them upon birth, usually pale against their skin tone," Audrey recollected, tilting her head. "It doesn't glow blue unless the angel finds the human and inserts part of their own grace into the sigil."
Vera didn't look impressed.
"So, a freak with wings found a human abomination and marked her like a slice of meat. What's the big deal?"
Audrey glanced between Nikki and Kolab, mouth caught in between opening and shutting.
"It's a big deal because...," gently, she traced her index finger over the intricate markings, "the sigil is glowing much brighter than it's supposed to be, showing that more than one grace has blessed this sigil. And these curves...it's not indicating just one angel linked to Nicole's soul. It's indicating...five."
The silence was deafening.
Well, that is until Vera broke it.
"She's got five angels getting their wings in a twist for her? I still don't see what the big deal is."
But, her face didn't reflect this. In fact, her eyes never once left the sigil. She may not have known Enochian markings that well, but this...this was unheard of and one hundred and twenty shades of fucking weird.
"That's three archangels and two angels," Kolab corrected, patting Nikki comfortingly on the back. "One of which is responsible for our existence."
Vera was finally stunned speechless.
"Now," Kolab redirected, facing Alex's astonished face, "anymore questions? Or did you want to try to find someone just a little more interesting?"
Alex unexpectedly grabbed Nikki around the waist and pulled her into the mother of all hugs.
"Thank you," he murmured repeatedly. "Thank you, thank you..."
Nikki chuckled shyly. "Uh, keep the hug at five seconds. They really don't like me hugging other people."
If miraculously enough, someone wants me to continue, know that I'm writing the second chapter (and potentially final one) as we speak. If there's interest, I'll let it out. If not, I hope you enjoyed this. And understood it. I already have the five angels in mind that Nikki's soul is bound to. And she will give quite the interesting interview as the SPN channel makes it debut! Let me know your thoughts in a review! Remember, this is just for fun, not meant to be taken seriously.