By Nichole (Neko-chan) Johnson
Written: July 1-7, 2002
Rated: PG-13 (for Inuyasha-type language)
Disclaimer: I don't own IY or any of it's characters. If I did, my name would be Rumiko Takahashi and I'd live in Japan and be very happy.
Summary: I don't know what I was thinking. You should shoot me for writing this crap.
Author's Note: On second thought, give me break this time. This is my very first completed IY fic, after all. Meaning, feedback would be nice…
* * * * *
Narrator: It was a lovely day in the land of Nonexistent Plotlines and the purple sun was shining in it's brilliant, psychedelic way over the fields of Baby Bunny Trees and Waffle Huts.
Enjoying the wonderfully trippy morning, a kind and sweet-tempered youkai came skipping through the dandelion fields, humming a tune from his favorite hair-product commercial without a care in the world.
Sesshoumaru: …I've got the uur~rrrr~ge, to Herbal! *sigh* I haven't a care in the world!
Narrator: But our carefree and gentle youkai's bliss was not to be, for who should appear, but the
evil younger brother of our poor, unsuspecting hero: Inuyasha!
Baby Bunny Chorus: Dun dun dun!!
Inuyasha: Grrr!! What the hell are you doing, Sesshoumaru, you big pansy-ass for a demon?!
Come over here so I can kick your ass, because I'm evil!
Sessh: *gasp* Brother! You are too cruel! I am simply enjoying this beautifully trippy day, and
you wish to destroy it with your mean, evilness!
Inuyasha: Feh! Shut your pie-hole, you stupid homo-fairy! I'm gonna' punch you now! *goes up
to Sesshoumaru and punches him in the face*
Baby Bunny Chorus: Waagh! He punched poor Fluffy-chan!
[AN: Methinks the bunny chorus may be Fluffy fan-girls in disguise…]
Narrator: Oh, the horror! But Sesshoumaru was not about to give up on his poor, misguided
younger brother. Instead of fighting back with his fists, our dear kind-hearted youkai
decided to do the right thing and instead fought back with kindness.
Sessh: Here, have a fig newton.
Narrator: Insulted and confused by this unwarranted display of brotherly affection, the evil
Inuyasha snapped and flew into a towering rage!
Inuyasha: Grrr…fig newton = gay...kindness = conspiracy...SYSTEM OVERLOAD!
EMPLOY EMERGENCY MEASURES!
Baby Bunny Chorus: Eeeeep!!
Overwhelmed with evil, Inuyasha goes on a homicidal rampage that lasts for nearly 4 hours—utterly destroying the previously happy land of Nonexistent Plotlines as well as parts of the neighboring country of Crayon-Nubs-at-the-Bottom-of-Your-Sock-Drawer. Unfortunately, everyone involved dies, including Fluffy-chan and the Baby Bunny Chorus—even Inuyasha, who's homicidal rampage was so great, that he forgot who he was and ended up killing himself as well. But the Waffle Huts survived and ruled the world. The End.
~ ~ * * * ~ ~
Narrator: Once upon a time, there was an exotically dead Miko named Kikyou…
Narrator: …who found a mysterious sword called Tenseiga lying in the dirt and used it to bring all
the characters from the previous tale back to life.
Looking characteristically emotionless, a chibi Kikyou half-heartedly shakes the sword around a bit, getting no results.
Narrator: *a tad irritated* You have to use it on the dead people, idiot.
Chibi Kikyou does so, and Inuyasha, Sesshoumaru, and the Baby Bunny Chorus come back to life.
Narrator: There. And they all came back to life.
Sessh: *glaring at Kikyou distastefully* Teme…What are you doing with my sword? *he knocks
the still-emotionless Miko over with his energy whip and reclaims his sword*
Narrator: Unfortunately, they were all back to their regular selves…
B.B. Chorus: Yippee!!
Inuyasha: GACK!! Why am I chibi?!
Narrator: Oh, and chibi.
Inuyasha: BUT WHY?!! [AN: He looks really funny when he's chibi and angry]
Narrator: Because they were now in a different world, because the previous world of Nonexistent
Plotlines was destroyed, and the Great Will of the Microcosm [see Excel Saga for
reference] had to transport them somewhere. So she transported them here, to the land
of Super-Deformed, every anime character's nightmare.
Inuyasha: Damn that bitch!!
Sesshoumaru: *looking his regular calm yet irritated self—although still chibi* Oh joy. I think I'd
prefer to be dead again.
He goes over to Inuyasha, and grabbing his arm, poises the blade of the Tetsusaiga over his throat, imploring him to strike. IY gives him a dry look.
Meanwhile, chibi Kikyou continues to stare mutely into space, rocking a bit unstably due to her lack of soul. The Baby Bunny Chorus has fun trying to keep her standing between the three of them, making a kind-of "hot potato" game out of it.
Finally tiring of Sesshoumaru's suicidal antics, chibi Inuyasha pushes the bishonen youkai away from him in disgust, holding his sword away defiantly.
Inuyasha: Feh! Like I'd kill you when you ask me to, teme! If I have to go through the torture of
being chibi, then so do you, you bastard!
Sessh: Brother, your reasoning eludes me. I have the sudden urge to hit you violently for your
stupidity. *snaps his fingers* Jaken!
Narrator: Out of nowhere, the toad-like minion appears, (chibi, as well, and frighteningly so) his
Staff of Heads in hand. He hands his master the staff and exits once again, much to the
relief of the Baby Bunny Chorus, who were near seizures do to his hideous,
B.B. Chorus: Bleech!
Sessh: Now, suffer my wrath, filthy hanyou! *raising the staff above his chibi head, he
begins to beat Inuyasha mercilessly with it*
Inuyasha: OW!! God damnit, you chibi moron!! Knock it off! SHIT!!
B.B. Chorus: *crying* Waaagh! Fluffy's mean!
[AN: Where have you been?]
Narrator: Before this senseless beating could go on for too long—
B.B. Chorus: Chibi abuse!! Chibi abuse!!
Narrator: …Who should appear but—SUPER AIR-SUCTION MIROKU!!
Miroku: *also chibi* I'm here!! (And I have a really bad super hero name…)
Inuyasha: *still getting beaten* Damn, you make a scary chibi! *shaking it off* But anyway, quit
yammering, you moron, and save me from this senseless beating! (I cannot believe I just
Miroku: Eh, I don't know. Usually you deserve the senseless beatings you receive…
Inuyasha: MIROKU, YOU ASSHOLE!!!
Miroku: *dryly* …So convincing. *holding out his right hand triumphantly* Alright, Sesshoumaru (damn you have a long name!) You leave me no choice! *releasing the seal on his Kazaana* AIR RIP!!!
Sessh: *still beating IY over the head w/his staff* Foolish houshi. You cannot defeat the great
Sesshoumaru with such a pitiful—Oro?
The chibi youkai looks surprised as he slowly begins to be sucked in by Miroku's Kazaana. Inuyasha holds onto a tree for dear life.
Narrator: Due to his immense decrease in mass and body weight, the chibi Sesshoumaru is
inexplicably drawn towards the incredible suction of Miroku's great Kazaana!
Miroku: *calmly rubbing his chin w/his free hand* Hmm. What I don't understand is how the
Kazaana didn't decrease in power, as well, when I became chibi.
B.B. Chorus: Ah, the power of plotholes!
Sessh: Feh. I hate you people.
With a mighty roar of air, chibi Sesshoumaru is finally drawn into the Kazaana.
Narrator: Alas! But what's this?!
B.B. Chorus: He's stuck!
Narrator: Due to the increased ratio of a chibi character's head to his body, Sesshoumaru has become stuck in the Air Rip! Unbelievable!
Sessh: Oh joy. [AN: He's being sarcastic]
Miroku: *blink* Oh my… *tries to shake the youkai off, who's stuck head-first in his hand*
Inuyasha: *obnoxious laughter*
Miroku: It's really more painful than funny, you know…
Miroku continues trying to shake a rather pissed-looking Sesshoumaru out of his Kazaana, to no avail. Inuyasha is now on the floor in convulsions of laughter. (Veeerrry OOC.)
Narrator: Oh dear! What will our heroes do now?!
Long, drawn-out silence (w/Miroku still shaking his hand and IY choking on his own spit).
Narrator: Ahem! WHATEVER WILL OUR HEROES DO NOW?!! *looks irritated* That's
supposed to be somebody's cue.
Voice: I'm coming, I'm coming…!
Something large and heavy comes whistling through the air.
The large boomerang heads straight towards Miroku and Fluffy-chan, catching the stuck youkai bishonen around the neck and yanking him rather violently from the monk's air rip and slamming him into a conveniently nearby tree. Ouch.
B.B. Chorus: Hey!! NO TOUCHY!!
Narrator: Our heroes are saved! But who is this mysterious savior?
Inuyasha: *finally recovered* It's Sango, you moron! Don't you have eyes?!
Narrator gives IY a dirty look and mumbles something about 'ruining the drama', something, something…
Miroku: *covering his Kazaana* Thank you for relieving me of that nuisance, Sango.
Sango: *catching her Hiraikotsu* Of course, Houshi-sama.
B.B. Chorus: Ooh, Lady Sango is also chibi! How kawaii!
Miroku blinks curiously, as if just noticing the taijiya's chibi-ness. Eyes wide and innocent, he approaches the demon huntress carefully, inspecting her with a serious air.
Miroku: Why yes, it appears so, Lady Sango. *craning his head innocently for a better look* It
seems you are just as well proportioned when chibi, as well.
Ignoring Sango's warning glare, he gives the chibi taijiya's bottom a generous squeeze. In response, Sango gives him an equally generous blow to the head.
B.B. Chorus: *hopeless sighs* Oh, Houshi-sama! *shake their heads ruefully*
Miroku: *rubbing ruefully at the handprint on his face* And it seems her strength is equally the
same as ever.
Inuyasha: Feh. You dumbass.
Small Voice: Heh! Miroku has a chibi-handprint on his face!
All of our previous chibi characters (sans Fluffy) turn to see a chibi Shippou pop out of nowhere, laughing childishly.
Miroku: *blink* Shippou? Where did you come from?
Shippou: From the plothole over there. They're floating all over the place.
Narrator: *irritably* A minor detail you need not have mentioned.
Inuyasha: HOLY SHIT!! THAT'S GOTTA' BE THE MOST FUCKED UP THING I'VE EVER
Miroku: *tactfully* I believe Inuyasha is referring to your chibi-ness, Shippou.
Sango: It's hard to believe you could get any smaller than you already were.
Shippou: *pouting* Hey!!
Inuyasha: *still spazzing* SHIPPOU, WATCH OUT!! YOUR EYES ARE TRYING TO DEVOUR YOUR HEAD!!
Sango: *dryly* I think he's going a tad overboard, though.
Inuyasha: OH MY GOD!!! YOUR LEGS!! WHERE ARE YOUR LEGS?!?!!
Miroku: Alright, Inuyasha. I believe we've all gotten the point.
Per usual, IY fails to comply. In a sudden, rare spurt of anger, the houshi bashes the stubborn hanyou over the head with his staff. Just for extra effect, he continues bashing him over the head, giving him a good kick in the ribs as well for good measure.
Miroku: GODDAMNIT, I SAID 'WOULD YOU FREAKING KNOCK IT OFF?!!'
Sango: … (I don't know which is worse sometimes…)
B.B. Chorus: Eep. The powers of Buddha are scary!
Narrator: Indeed… *ahem* Anyway, on with the story.
Shippou: There's a story?
B.B. Chorus: Somewhere around here…
Narrator: *pissy* Yes, there is a story. Now will all of you shut up so I can continue?
Shippou: *sigh* I'm always left out of these things!
Narrator: Yes, now, anyway… Who should come along next but Kagome.
Kagome: Why has it taken this long for me to appear?
Everyone seems suddenly preoccupied with something else. The schoolgirl seethes angrily.
Kagome: What's that suppose to mean?!
Narrator: All of a sudden, without warning, chibi Kikyou appears out of the background, making a
beeline for Kagome; hands outstretched and grasping for the girl's neck!
B.B. Chorus: Run, Kagome, ruuuuuuun!!
Kagome: Ack! Get this dead girl off of me!
Still expressionless, Kikyou attempts to choke Kagome to death. The two tumble to the ground, struggling amusingly, due to the fact that they're both chibi. Tee-hee.
Inuyasha: *annoyingly wistful, etc.* Kikyou…!
Kagome: What about me, you dumbass?!
Sango: I will never understand that miko's power over him.
Miroku: Ah, Sango, a woman can never quite understand the power another woman has on a
man. For instance…
A sudden blow to the head with her Hiraikotsu silences the monk.
B.B. Chorus: *sigh* Oh, Houshi-sama…
Shippou: *jumping up 'n down excitedly* Come on, Inuyasha, kill that wench!
Inuyasha: *snapping out of it* Huh? Hey, I'm not gonna' kill Kagome! S-she's…she's my Tama detector, you moron!
Everyone: KIKYOU, YOU BLOCKHEAD! KIKYOU!!!
Inuyasha: Oh. … What? You don't really expect me to do that, do you?
Everyone: *sigh* No, not really.
Shippou: It was worth a try.
Miroku: *rubbing his head where Sango hit him* We really need to find him some counseling.
Narrator: Even as all seemed lost—
Kagome: Hellooo~ooo?! I'm still being choked here!
Kikyou: *dully* Die.
Narrator: …Who should appear but a most unexpected hero…
B.B. Chorus: Fluffy-chan!! Yay!!
Sessh: Feh. You used my sword, wench. No one is allowed to use my things but I. *flexing his
claws* You die now.
B.B. Chorus: Yay!! So exciting!
Narrator: *dryly* Yes, yes, the wonder-ment… Anyway—
Sessh: On with the killing.
The following scene was deleted due to its excessive and gratuitous use of violence and icky, bad stuff.
Instead, we have inserted a family-friendly scene from some Pokémon-type rated anime in its place, in order to avoid lawsuits due to mental strain from the previously intended material. We hope you enjoy this alternative solution.
Girl 1: Ohaiyo, Sara-chan!
Sara: Ohaiyo, Nana! Have you seen the new teacher?
Girl 3: She seems really nice.
Nana: No, I haven't met her yet. I was busy fighting the evil powers of Non last night. I
discovered another sugarcoated life lesson! And I got this nifty, marketable charm to
add to my collection thus far!
Sara: Wow! Soon you'll have collected all seventy-four!
Girl 4: And then discovered their corresponding mates that will also need to be collected.
Nana: *sigh* My life is so horribly unfair! If only I could just be a normal—
Kagome: Hey, butt out! This is our story!
The four, cavity-inducing bishojou give the Inu-crew nasty, pouty glares and shuffle out of view.
Inuyasha: Feh! Stupid magical girls!
The Baby Bunny Chorus gives him a nasty glare.
Kagome: So, anyway, as we were saying before…
Shippou: Yay, Sesshoumaru brutally murdered Kikyou!!
Miroku: *aside to Sango* I have to admit, I feel a bit like cheering myself.
Sango: No kidding (moldy bitch.)
Inuyasha: *disgustingly wistful again* Kikyou…
Miroku: *patting his shoulder comfortingly* Oh, forget her, Inuyasha. She was dead, after all.
Besides, there are plenty more fish in the sea. *turns to find the girls glaring at him; clears his throat* I mean, you have Kagome.
Kagome: *sarcastically* Oh, yeah. Don't forget me or anything. I was almost killed 'n all.
Inuyasha: *shaking it off* Oh, uh, yeah, that's right. Daijobu?
Miroku, Sango and Shippou share uncertain glances.
Sango: I think he deserves a 'sit' for that. *Miroku and Shippou nod in agreement*
Narrator: Now, now, people, let's not get too—
Inuyasha: GEEGGHH!!! [AN: You know the rest]
B.B. Chorus: Yay!!
Inuyasha: Quit cheering already!! (Uggh…!)
Narrator: So that's the end of our little tale—
Sessh: It wasn't much of a tale, now was it?
Narrator: No, well, maybe it wasn't all that—Shut up, you! Didn't you leave already?!
Sessh: I should hope not. *haughty sniff* After all, I was the hero of this—pathetic or not—little "tale", now wasn't I? I believe I do deserve some recognition for that.
B.B. Chorus: Yeah! Yeah! Fluffy-chan's the shiznit!
Sessh: *eyebrow twitch* Quiet. You annoy me. *knocks the bunnies over with his energy whip*
B.B. Chorus: Grrr…! *twitch* ALRIGHT, MR. NARRATOR!! BURN 'IM!!
Narrator: With pleasure.
And our little tale ends in flames, as it should.
~~ Fin ~~