A Story about Anything

By Neko-chan (ME! ^_^)

Author's Note/Rant: Okay, I don't really know when or even why I wrote this—I think it was during a class a few years back, when I was supposed to be doing an assignment in the computer lab…  Well, obviously I didn't (I'm such a rebel) and instead I typed this weirdness.  It's good for a laugh, though (I'm sure my old teacher wouldn't have found it funny…)

* * * * * * *

            Once upon a time…stop, stop, wait a second!  You know what?  Everybody starts at the beginning—no one ever starts it at the end.  *psyched* So I'm going to be original and start at the end.  Ha!  No one's ever thought of that!  Doo dee doo, he we go—at the end.

(ahem.)

The…End!

…(silence)…

            *dryly* Now I know why no one ever starts at the end.  *vigorously scribbles it out until his pencil breaks in half and sprays graphite everywhere*  *cough* I guess I'll have to write this like a normal story now.  *weep* I don't want to write it normal!  (Plus I have graphite in my eyes.  Ow!)  *bangs head on table several times and wishes doctor hadn't cut off his supply of enhanced anti-depressants*

Carrot:  Why not start it in the middle?

Psychoneurotic Narrator: *panicking* How did you get here?!  I haven't written you in yet!

Carrot: How should I know!  Anyway, dude, start it in the middle.  That's the best part!

P.N.: *crazed* You can't know that!  I haven't even written it yet!!  I haven't even decided where to start yet!!

Carrot: *sweat drop* Well don't go postal!  Start the damn story, dude!  I'm getting really sick of standing here on this page of white nothingness.  Is this that "twilight zone" place??

P.N.: *ticked* Fine!  I'll start the damn story, dude!  The Twilight Zone is a star field, moron.  *starts writing furiously—this time with a pen*

Carrot: *suddenly out of the picture* Hey!  You wrote me out!!

P.N.: *making faces at his back* Not entirely.  You're just not in the story yet.

Carrot: Bastard  But aren't I the main character?!  The main character gets all the chicks!!  No fair!!

P.N.: No, dumb ass.  Ooh, all the chicks…I never thought of that.

Marron: *popping into existence*  What the…???  *very confused*  Damn, did I die??

P.N.: *to Carrot*  Marron is!!  Ha ha, Carrot!  Marron gets all the chicks!  (Of course, he has to share with me…^_~)

Marron: *amidst a background of cursing from Carrot and taunting noises from the psychoneurotic narrator* I feel like a pawn.

Carrot: *crazed*  Marron, help meeeee!!!  The narrator sent me away into a black nothingness!!  There's no girls here!!  *weep*

P.N.: Quiet, you!  *mutes off-stage audio*  Now, back to my slowly progressing story.

Marron: How come I can't move? *blinks in his frozen position*

P.N.: *testy* Because I haven't written it in yet.  (Du-uh!)  *let's Marron move*  Now.  Shut up until I say you can speak.

Marron: *eyebrow twitch*  What…?

P.N.: Err…nothing!  (Think happy thoughts!)  Ahem…One day, Marron was walking through the woods—

Marron: We seem to be minus one body of trees.  Dumb ass.

P.N.: *woods appear*  No we're not.  Now walk, damnit!

Marron: *starts walking mechanically as if being forced*

P.N.: *hissing* Look happy!

Marron: {Author's Input: "Look everyone!  It's the evil eye!"}

P.N.: *hissing* Happier!

Marron: *completely lack-luster*  Tra.  La, la.

P.N.: *purses mouth in irritation* Aaaanyway…he was walking along when…when…you know, you need a side-kick or something, you sour, lonely-looking man you.

Marron: Oh yay.  Not.

P.N.: *concentrates really hard and Gateau pops into existence*

Gateau: *putting his arm around Marron's waist*  Ooh, a walk through the woods with Marron—scandalous…

Marron: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!

P.N.: *hastily making Gateau disappear by causing him to undergo internal combustion—in other words, KABOOM!!* Whoops, wrong person!!  *sweat drop*

Marron: *shaking catatonically* B-burn…clothing…!!  Must burn…clothing…!!

P.N.: *cheery grin*  I think I've got it right this time!  Here ya go!  *Robin pops into existence*

Robin: Holy talitos!  Where's Batman?!

Marron: …O.O…??

P.N.: Damnit!  Wrong kind of sidekick.  *Robin disappears and is replaced by Scooby-Doo*  No.  *Scoobs is replaced by Gourry off of Slayers, who's replaced by Fall-Out Boy off of The Simpsons, who's replaced by Peter Puppy, who's replaced by Odie, who's replaced by Tracey, who's replaced by Milo off of Pepper Ann, and so forth and so forth…*  No, no, no, no, no, no…

Mokona: *appearing on Marron's head*  Puuuu….!!!

P.N.: No that's not it, either!  *Mokona is replaced by Pikachu* WRONG!!  *Pikachu is replaced by Yuri*

Marron: Ow!  *falls over from the weight*

P.N.: Oops.  Wrong Tiffany Grant character.  *Yuri disappears before she can even say, "I'M HUNGRY!" and Tira appears—NOT on Marron's head*

Tira: Hey!!  Where in the wor—Is this part of the Twilight Zone??

Carrot: *from somewhere* No!

P.N.: Okay, now as I was saying before—

Tira: *big scary girl-with-glasses* WHERE THE HELL AM I?!!

P.N.: *ignores her—but hides behind his pen*  Err…Marron and Tira were walking through the woods—*both start walking with "Huh?!" looks on their faces*—when all of a sudden…uh…a big horrible monster appeared in front of them.  *a kitten appears on the path in front of them*

Kitten: Mew?

Carrot: *off stage to narrator*  You suck!!

P.N.: It was a mistake!  Grr!  *freak lightning turns kitten into a black crater—"Mrow!!!"*  A MONSTER appeared in front of them!

Carrot: *falling painfully from nowhere onto a pile of jagged rocks* Ow, damnit!!

Tira: Are you all right?

Carrot: *tiny pained voice*  I think my spine broke my fall…

Marron: *eyebrow twitch*

P.N.: Whoops!  I forgot the zoanthropy thing!  *Peter Pan appears holding Tinkerbell*

Peter Pan: *to Carrot*  With just a little bit of pixie dust and a few happy thoughts, even you can fly!  *shakes Tinkerbell over Carrot so that some pixie dust falls on him then pops out of existence*

Carrot: *turns into his beast form*

P.N.: *smug* As I said, a big scary monster.

Marron: Tira…

Tira: *pouty* Do I have to, Marron-chan? This gets so old.

Marron: Actually, no you don't.  That would be too predictable.

Tira: You're right, Marron.

Marron: We should do something unpredictable to piss the narrator off.

Tira: *evil grin* Yes, we should.

Carrot Monster: GrrrooowwRROOOOOOAAAARRRRR!!  *smashing trees and starting forest fires with his Zippo lighter*

P.N.: *sweat drop* Aren't you going to stop Carrot from destroying the entire backdrop…?

Tira: Why should we—he's having fun.

Marron: Carrot, you missed a spot.  *pushes over a burnt tree*

P.N.: *panicking*  Stop!!  Stop that, you're ruining my story!

Tira: *taking off her cloak and glasses* But we're having too much fun…

Marron: Yeah…*goes around kicking some more trees down*

Tira: Ohohohohoho!!!  *starts sacrificing small cuddly animals and chasing baby deer with her whip*

P.N.: NO!!  STOP!!!  ANIMAL CRUALTY!!!  PROTECT OUR NATION'S FORESTS, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!  *suddenly makes everything disappear into a black, star filled void*

Carrot: *back to normal*  Hey!  That liar!  I could NOT fly!!  Agh, I'm naked!  *hides behind a comet*

Tira: Damn.  Now what do we do, Marron?

Marron: *thoughtful*

Tira: *peering up at him*  Marron?

Marron: *suddenly takes her in his arms and kisses her a la Gone with the Wind*

Carrot: Holy Christ, he's not gay!  *remembers he's naked*  I'm going to find clothes, now…*sneaks away—where, I don't know*

P.N.: Well that takes the cake.  That was definitely unpredictable.

Carrot: *off stage*  MAN, I WAS SO RIGHT!!!  MAIN CHARACTERS DO GET ALL THE CHICKS!!!

Tira: *catching her breath*  Wow. *pause*  *dives on Marron and starts making out with him*

P.N.: Well, I guess I've made it to the end, now.  My main character is currently pashing on the floor of the Twilight Zone with his 'sidekick' and the other doofus is running around naked.  Doo doo doo.  What a suck-ass way to end this story.

Peter Pan: Well, it was a suck-ass story so I think the ending fits it quite nicely.

P.N.: Go back to Neverland, you son-of-a-bitch.  *threatens Peter with his pen*

Peter Pan: *sweat drop* Gee, man, you need to chill…*disappears*

P.N.: *sob* I need to stab myself!!!  *bangs head on table then starts hitting self with a lamp and other household items*

Shrink: Why did I take him off of those antidepressants? *knocks narrator out with a giant mallet labeled, "Emergency Anesthetic"*

The End

(In the place that it belongs.)