Disclaimer: I own none of the characters!

Note: So...a friend and I were talking once about a really bad Twilight-parody Ereri AU and I'm really sorry

About three things I was absolutely positive:

One, my name was Eren Jaeger, because how could I not know my own name.

Two, Levi was a vampire. Yeah, I know that makes no sense but I swear just read on, it'll make sense eventually.

Third, I was hopelessly, knew-better-than-to-let-this-happen, irrevocably in love with him. Like, I wanted his dick down my throat in love with him.

Fuck.


I'd never thought about how I would die. I mean, I have before, usually while Armin drove because he's terrible at driving and getting into the car with him is usually a bad idea. I'm not even sure he's old enough to be driving and whoever let him pass driver's ed should be fired. But that's how I thought I would die.

Not staring into the eyes of a hunter. Or a warrior. Whatever.

But dying in place of someone I loved seemed like an ok-way to do it. I honestly preferred to go in my sleep at an old age but dying for someone you love is good, too.

But fuck, I was going to die. Fuck.

Chapter One

My mom was driving me to the airport. We lived in Arizona, hot and dry as hell Arizona. And as fate would have it, I'm moving up to Forks, Washington. Of all places. I googled it and it's apparently super cold and rainy. I'll probably go in to some sort of shock from the weather change, but that's okay mom. It's totally fine.

My name is Eren Jaeger and I'm sixteen years old. It's August, so school is about to start soon and my parents picked this time to ship me across the U.S. Like any other living person, I have color to my skin so if you were expecting an awkward pale teenager living in Arizona just stop reading because you're not getting that shit. I'm also not a girl. I just wanted to throw that out there.

So my mom is driving me to the airport and why? Because she's moving in with her boyfriend-soon-to-be-husband Hannes. I think he plays baseball. Let's go with that. And yes, I could move with her. It wouldn't be a big deal to me. But apparently me sticking around is going to hinder her or something. So it only makes logical sense for me—her son—to move across the country to go live with my estranged dad in rainy as fuck Forks.

Because I will hinder my mom by being her son. Yep.

We said our final goodbyes before I boarded the plane. I'm not going to bore you about the plane ride. It was cold, there was a snotty baby and I really just fell asleep instantly.

No, let me instead bore you with my arrival to Forks.

My dad, Grisha, came to pick me up. It was just a lot of awkward hellos and him hugging me. Or trying to hug me. It was this weird one-armed thing that disappearing dads do. Did I mention he was the Chief of Police here? Okay, well now you know.

I have a cop dad so there goes my chance to stay out late and party. Maybe.

"So…how have things been here in Nowhere Land?" I asked, not interested.

"The same."

"Cool."

"Mr. Kirschtein is in a wheel chair now."

"That sucks."

I don't remember a Mr. Kirschtein and I'm pretty sure Grisha just made that up. I know that there's a son, Jean, and that he was a little asshat the last time I was here. But I'm pretty sure he didn't have a dad. But I'm not going to argue with this.

Grisha's house was the same. It was a nice two-bedroom little place. He even took the time to set up my room. I'm not the biggest fan of purple but wow, he still took the fucking time to make my room. And the colors can always be changed.

I turned around and smiled at him. "Thanks, Grisha."

"Don't make it gay,Eren."


School started on Monday so on that Sunday Grisha presented me with a truck. Like an actual driving vehicle. Which was really nice of him too. It wasn't a Viper but I'm also sixteen, why would I need something super expensive and in a small place like this? No, this truck would do just fine. And I was actually really grateful for it.

"Thanks, Grisha, I really appreciate—"

"Don't make it gay, Eren, fuck."

That was the truck exchange.


So the high school was tiny. Just over 300 people in total. And everyone seemed pretty nice. I could be an anti-social asshole and ignore everyone trying to be my friend but that would be fucking stupid. But because the town was so small, everyone knew everyone and their dog. Everyone practically grew up with each other, so they had their friends. So being new, I stuck out (I was tall (ish), athletic, tan, dark hair and green eyes, I stuck out). Like I said before though, everyone was nice and everyone was pretty welcoming.

In my second period class, I met a girl named Mikasa. She had all the books for the class already (where the hell did she even get the books? We got our syllabus for the class that day and she was halfway through the workbook) and she didn't mind me reading along with her. I think we both knew—just from the few seconds that we spoke—that me bumming off her books would be a daily thing. I always left my books at home. And she obviously didn't.

She was my ticket to passing my math class.

"Don't fall asleep," Mikasa hissed at me. I snorted awake. Only a math teacher would seriously try to teach on the first day of class.

"I'm not."

"Don't lie."

"Fine, yeah, I was asleep."

Mikasa rolled her eyes and kept scribbling. Oh, she had neat handwriting. This was really good.

Gym class was the last period of the day and I was fucking excited. I may be near-illiterate and I may not understand equations, but I was fucking great at sports.

"Move the fuck out of the way, coconut head!" I shouted, rather viciously (oops), at this little blonde thing on the court. I didn't really feel bad for him. The teacher explained the rules of dodgeball, I had raging hormones and I just needed to throw stuff.

So I threw the ball in my hand and it landed square in the poor kid's face. He made a squealing noise and fell. Some guy with a shaved head (I think his name was Connie?) nearly shit himself laughing. I didn't really feel bad but I also didn't want the coach to come yell at me on my first day.

Swallowing my pride, I walked over to the close-to-tears blonde kid and patted him on the shoulder.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Ah…yeah, I'm fine," the kid said, rubbing his red face. "Oh, you're the new guy. Eren…?"

"Yeah."

"I'm Armin," he said, getting to his feet. "I think you're in my English class…"

So dodgeball was great until Mikasa joined and almost broke my nose. But overall, my first day of school wasn't half bad.

Second day of school. Yeah…

I sat with Mikasa and Armin at lunch. Out of everyone, they were the two I had really clicked with the most. Some other friends of theirs walked over though: Connie, the kid with the shaved head, and his girlfriend, Sasha. She stood a little taller than him and kept picking food off his plate. Two more girls joined our table, Ymir and Christa, and I'm pretty sure they're a thing too.

So the seven of us settled down to eat and things were going pretty great. But then the door opened and the room grew tense.

The first girl that walked in was small and petite, strawberry blonde hair and was really pretty. The guy on her arm looked painfully confused and uncomfortable and—what the fuck, was he bleeding from his mouth?

"What the fuck?" I muttered, nodding my head in their general direction. Armin leaned over to explain.

"That's Auruo, the guy, and the girl is Petra," he said.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why the fuck is she with him?"

"Eren!" Mikasa snapped, kicking his leg.

The two of them were in their own world. The second pair that walked in was a better match, in my opinion. A tall girl with glasses and a dark-blond guy on her arm. The girl seemed a bit of a livewire and the guy looked like he was about to have a heart attack.

"That's Hanji and Moblit," Mikasa explained in my other ear. "They're all part of the Smith-family."

"Who's that?" I asked.

"Erwin Smith is the doctor here," Armin said. "And he has foster-adopted kids. But they're all sort of dating each other too, I think."

"Ew," I muttered. "But I guess that fills some taboo-kinks for people."

Armin and Mikasa shrugged in agreement and went back to their food. I was about to, too, but the door opened a third time. And I shit you not, it felt like the entire world suddenly stopped.

The final guy to walk in was fucking perfect. He looked like a total asshole, like he was way too good to even be in the presence of a bunch of little brats.

"Who's that?" I breathed.

Armin looked up and Connie snorted.

"That's Levi," Ymir said, "but he doesn't date, apparently."

I craned my neck to look back at him and fuck he was looking back at me. He sat down at the table with his other siblings (or whatever they were) and they all just seemed to stare at their food. I couldn't blame them; cafeteria food sucked. But at least I tried to eat it. They were completely turning their noses up at it.

I can't say that I'm subtle. I'm actually the opposite. I was almost turned completely around in my chair, staring this Levi guy down. There was no way he was in high school. He looked older than everyone in the school. Maybe he was a dumbass? It didn't matter, I wanted to fuck him.

But it wasn't a behind-the-gym sort of fuck that I wanted. It was more of a blow-job-in-the-car-on-a-Friday-then-sneak-me-into-your-room-for-a-pounding fuck. Something meaningful.

"Eren, stop staring," Mikasa said, shaking my arm.

"You're not my mom!"

Eventually I turned around, just as Levi shrugged off his jacket. And damn, he had arms. Nice, tone muscles and his chest was broad and I just fell back to staring.

"Oh no," I muttered, "he's really hot."

And on that second day at school I realized that I wanted to fuck Levi (Smith?) until I cried.