A/N: There's no chapter next week. Fuck. This author wrote this piece of shit instead of preparing for her final examination tomorrow. Double fuck.
Also, NaruHina fans, I'm so sorry man. I don't even ship them and I felt your pain.
Shit, shit, shit! Sakura is running out of chakra, which is indicative of one thing. Gaara's presence only makes the foreshadowing apparent: a former jinchuuriki is dying and a Chiyo-style heroic sacrifice is now bubbling in the plot.
"Fuck, Naruto, wake up, you idiot!" she yells, shaking her unconscious friend with fury. "Like the hell I'll commit suicide before I bang that Uchiha pretty boy!"
Sakura refuses to let this be her character's end. For god's sake, she still has the Byakugou seal on her forehead, which should be long gone if her chakra really is running out. Come to think of it, Tsunade still has her seal too, as well as her youthful appearance.
Sakura freezes, before looking down the sand cloud.
With an absolute troll grin, Tsunade waves back.
"Good luck with the sacrifice, Sakura!"
As the sand cloud takes off into the distance, Hinata lies flat on the ground, her chin propped on a fist.
"Are you alright, girl?" asks some random fodder nin.
"I don't know. I'm watching my man sail away with his love interest, while I lie here after a pathetically humiliating full-body trip. Do I look alright to you, bitch?" Hinata deadpans.
"Oh, and to make it worse, you know the guy that jumped in front of the spikes to save my life, while I was trying to save the protagonist's life? Instead of honoring his love and sacrifice, I asked his deceased ass for more favors to protect my crush, because I'm apparently too much of a failure to do it myself."
Hinata drums her fingers, then turns to the fodder nin. "What, bitch?" she demands. "My character's too fucking moe to complain now?"
Half a kilometer away, Sasuke has his face planted against a rock, blood gushing in unrealistic amounts out of his mouth. Well, fuck his ass for never bothering to learn the kage bushin.
He's not too concerned though, because, well, he's Uchiha motherfucking Sasuke. Not only is he a mangaka favorite, he's also an incredibly hot douchebag with rank one fan popularity. Not to mention the main character's best friend and arch rival. He farts so much plot armor he can't die even if he tried.
And trust him when he says he has most certainly tried. In every way possible. Betray the village? Lived. Face suicide bomber? Lived. Fight his OP brother? Lived. Declare outright international treason before all the Kage? Fucking lived.
Now this time, either Orochimaru will show up, or some Izanagi-Izanami will activate, or an angelic Itachi will inexplicably plop down and heal his miserable ass.
Sasuke groans and continues to face-plant against a rock.
"You can't make me, Kishimoto!" Karin screams to the heavens, stomping away. "I had character development, goddammit! I am not crying for that jerkass, and I certainly am not acting like psycho mental patient!"
"Where are you going?" Suigetsu yells.
"My cousin! Guess what, Kishimoto, my entire existence does not revolve around Uchiha. Have you thought that I can sense Naruto too? That guy who's my last remaining kin and family? That guy with the warm chakra that's not batshit insane and dark? Well, he's higher on my priorities list, and we Uzumaki are getting together to kick some ass."
A baffled Suigetsu watches her go, while Juugo turns to Orochimaru. "What now?"
Orochimaru shrugs. "Like Karin, I am also designed with no motivation but to get into Sasuke-kun's pants." Orochimaru pulls his lips into a smirk and wiggles an eyebrow. "Unlike her, I have no complaints."
While Tobi continues to ask the world about bowel movements and rain chaos upon the world, Shikamaru stays in the exact spot he has for the past fifty or so chapters, making further highly redundant observations. For an IQ of 200, he's pretty slow in scheming out of this predicament.
Ino finally has enough and says, "You know, given how effective the Third is right now, why don't we just use the edo tensei for more backup?"
"Hush troublesome woman, I'm thinking of a plan." He waves her off.
"I mean," Ino continues, "it's not like I don't have the ability to take control of Kabuto's mind. Alternatively, we can ask Orochimaru to do it, who's, like, right behind that rock."
"Shh, Shikamaru is thinking," Chouji whispers, pointing to their teammate.
"The edo tensei soldiers have an unlimited amount of chakra," Ino explains, "many of whom know chakra transfer jutsus to revitalize the living. A few can even bring Neji back to life. Meanwhile, imagine how devastating our forces would be if the former Kages and the Akatsuki and Mito fought for us?"
"Stop, your logic is distracting the genius."
Ino has a vein bulging on her forehead. You know, she may not be Asuma's favorite shogi player, but she is still incredibly intelligent and resourceful, with enough skill to rank number one of the rookie nine, in case everyone has forgotten.
Which they have.
Katana in the ground, Madara is walking away all dramatic and badass, mane gloriously blowing in the wind.
He forgot to take the boy's eyes.
Madara continues to walk away all dramatic and badass, mane gloriously blowing in the wind.
Too much pride to go back now.
Hopefully, the Uchiha boy lives and comes at him with another attack. And if not, screw it, he'll just live with his badass man-wink.
Minato floats in white-space. "Where am I?"
He floats in more white-space. Why would Kishimoto put him away at the crucial time like this? He has the other half of the Kyuubi's chakra, doesn't he? He should be going out to save his son's life!
"Welcome to the land off-panel, honey."
Minato freezes, as vibrant red hair floats behind him.
"Why did you never bother to revive me, dear?" Kushina asks pleasantly, her eye in a sharp glint.
Naruto spends the chapter stone-faced with a clear sight of Sakura's boobs as she tries to heal him.
Time to give a drunken grin and enjoy the moment, because when life deals you shit, eat it up and YOLO, bitch!
Unless you're the edo tensei. In which case, you just YOL.
(Killer Bee's the same. He's just too awesome to give two shits.)