A/N: Recommend listening to "Heaven" by Beyonce when reading.
BBRae Week, Day 3 - INNER DEMONS
"Heaven couldn't wait for you. No, heaven couldn't wait for you…so go on, go home."
So much blood. There is just so much blood…
And pain. Lots and lots of pain.
I sit on the now blood covered bathroom floor tiles still and unmoving, trying to breathe past the pain. Trying to understand it, what was happening around me. I brace myself on the ground, holding myself up with shaky arms.
My innards feel like a thousand hot knives stabbing me from the inside out, repeatedly. My heart beats loudly in my ears causing them to ring while my head pounds like a hammer against my skull. Something hot and wet streaks down my cheek and falls to the floor. A wave of nausea crawls over my stomach and ever so slowly creeps up.
My eyes focus on a tiny red form on the ground in front of me. The coppery harsh smell of blood and meat wafts in the air as I stare the small veiny form.
The nausea shoots up so fast, I have only seconds to grab the waste bin to throw up. I clutch it tight against me and wait until I'm finished. I pant tiredly as I lift my head from the waste bin, my body shaking and my vision blurry.
I hear a faint close of the front door and a call of my name and I know he's home. I slowly reach up to the sink and weakly pull myself up to stand. I note that my night gown is completely red from the waist down from sitting in the red liquid. I hear the faint voice again as I take a step to the bathroom door.
I feel a tingle in my spine and my vision blurs and begins to blacken on the corners. "Up here, Gar…" I say as I step down. The blackness spreads out from the corners and takes my vision over completely.
A bright light shines in my eyes as I open them. I wince a little as I blink them open, the rest of the room filtering into my vision. I see white ceilings, white walls, and white floors, beeping machines and various people running around and I suddenly get confused to where I am.
I shift a little before I feel a hand squeeze mine. Looking over, I see him standing beside my bed, a sad look in his eyes. His face is tired and etched with worry and sadness. His forest green eyes were surrounded by a red lake –a sign that he had been crying. It only takes me a second to put two and two together.
"The baby?" I whisper.
He opened his mouth to speak but the words never came out. He just held my hand tighter and put his arm around me, pulling me in close.
It was then that I put two and two together. I knew what happened… what that tiny red form was on my bathroom floor. I knew why there was so much blood there and such pain in my loins.
I lean my head against him and put my hand over my belly, knowing that there was nothing in there anymore. I cry, despite my powers. I cry from him. I cry for me. I cry for what could have been.
I cry because I had lost our baby.
I don't know what to do. I, literally, don't know what to do.
It's been three weeks since the hospital and she's still inconsolable. She hasn't stopped crying since that day. So much that I got Vic to make her one of those cuffs that deactivates powers so that she didn't hurt herself while she grieved. She hasn't even left the bed since we buried her two weeks ago. Her…
…We would've had a girl…
I sigh as I cut off the heat for Raven's teapot and pick it up to pour her green tea. Because she hasn't left her bed, I've been making sure that she eats something every day and even then, she only eats a few bites before she turns over and starts to cry again. I haven't been able to sleep in our room since the burial because of her crying. She cries so much that there's no way for me to get any sleep in there. Not that I'm getting much sleep any place else but at least, I get a good hour or two away from her. As I finish setting up her tray, I sigh again, not looking forward to the routine battle of getting her to eat.
I just want to scream.
I know it's not her fault that we lost the baby and that it's perfectly normal for her to act this way. But goddamnit! I just want to blame someone! I just want to yell and scream and punch someone for this. And the worst part is that I want to blame her for it even though it was no one's fault. I still want to blame her.
I go up the stairs and head towards our room. I can already hear her crying. Blast, these ears… I take a moment outside the door to bring myself together, keeping those nasty feelings of resentment away before I go inside.
The room is dark, as it has been since the fateful day. On the bed, I can just make her form out. She was curled up in a ball, her shoulders shaking. The sound of her sobbing was even louder now. And I still just want to scream.
I make it over to her bedside and place the tray down, flicking on the bedside lamp. "Time to eat, Raven."
"I'm not hungry…" she replies. I swallow back the harsh words that instantly jumped at my throat.
"Raven, you have to eat something," I press.
"I told you, I'm not hungry…" she says between sobs. I feel the edges of my resolve begin to fade.
"Let's not do this song and dance, Raven. Just please, eat some food," I try, one more time.
She lets out a few sobs, curling up tighter. "Just go away, Gar."
All sense of control I have is gone.
I rip the blankets off the bed and pull her up by the arm, harshly. With a quick twirl of her head, she looks at me, angrily, reminding me of how she was three weeks ago. And for the first time in these past few weeks I finally see her face in the light.
It was red. Cheeks, lips, nose, eyes, everything was red. And puffy from all the crying she had done. The salt from her tears stained her cheeks and her lips were licked raw. She sniffled as she wiped her nose from the mucus that was sure to be pouring out. Her hair was a knotted and unkempt mess, sticking out every which way. But it was her eyes that got me. Red from crying and wiping at them, glistening with more tears, and tired. Such tired eyes…looks like I'm not the only one who hasn't been sleeping.
"What the hell-
"I can't take you like this anymore, Rae!" I shout, without meaning to but I just can't seem to stop it, "I can't take all this crying and sobbing and moping."
"Well, forgive me if I mourn-
I give a small growl, "I lost her too, Rae! You're not the only one-
"I know that!"
"Then, why are you acting like you're the only one who lost a child that day?"
"You don't know what I lost that day so leave me-
"I was right there with you! That baby was just as much as mine as it was yours!" she tries lie back down on the bed and turn away from me but I yank her back around.
"Just leave me alone, Gar!" she cries, desperately.
"No!" I yell, "How dare you tell me that I don't know what you lost that day?! How dare you tell me to leave you-
"BECAUSE I KNOW YOU WANT TO BLAME ME!" she screams, stopping me in mid-sentence.
Her breathing becomes shallow and fast as the tears come pouring out with renewed purpose. "I know you resent me...for losing the baby…"
"Raven, I know it's not your fault-
"I know that too but I…" she sobs again, clutching onto my arm, "I can still feel you trying to keep it all locked in and I just can't…"
Folding over, she cries into her lap. Each sob is a tear in my heart. After all this time of trying not to blow up at her, she knew how I truly felt and because she knew, it caused her so much pain. I caused her so much pain…
God, do I feel shitty…
I reach my hand over to rub her back to help soothe her. "Sssh… I'm sorry, alright? I know it's not your fault. I don't mean to feel this way. I've been trying to push this feeling away but-
"You can't help but feel…the way you feel," she sniffles as she lifts her head. Her hand covers over her mouth, trying to stifle her sobs, "I know that better than anyone…"
"I'm sorry, Rae…" I whisper as I rub her back more, "Besides, we can always try again, right?"
She stiffens at that, her lips pressing hard together. Her eyes glisten more, threatening with another round of tears before she looks down and shakes her head.
I sigh, "I don't mean right now but when you're ready-
"I can't have children."
I blink, unsure of what she just said. "What?"
"I can't have children, Gar," she repeated, lifting up her head. More tears…
"H-How do you know-
"I asked the doctor,' she answered with a shaky breath, "when we were at the hospital. You went to update the others and to get some coffee when he told me. I can get pregnant all I like but…I will never make it to term…so...if we tried…"
"It would happen again," I finish for her.
She looks at me with fearful eyes, nodding her head. I say nothing. I just sit back thinking, processing her words.
We can't have children…we can't have children….we can't have children!
I feel the anger surge within me, the need to blame boiling at the surface. I feel her hand grab hold of my wrist. I yank my arm away, not looking at her.
"Please, Gar, don't be hate me," she whispers. Hearing her hiccup, I know she was about to start sobbing again. "I'm so sorry, Gar. Please…"
I can't hear anymore.
I get up from the bed and walk out of the room with long and fast strides. I shut the door behind me before I run down the stairs and out the door.
I run and run and run and I keep on running with no destination in particular. I need some distance from that house, from her crying, from her, from the god-awful truth that had just entered my ears. I don't stop running until it hurts to breathe and my heart wants to burst out of my chest. Stopping, I bend over and catch my breath before looking up to see where I am.
A church…how befitting…
I sigh at the building before deciding that maybe some church could help me. Maybe I could find some answers. Maybe it could help me exercise my demons.
I enter the church, slowly. It's been a while since I've been to church so it felt a little weird being there. Looking inside I see a few people there -some sitting, some kneeling down in prayer. I come up to a little bowl of Holy Water and dip my fingers in. I make the cross over me, blessing myself as I go further into the church. I pick a pew and I take a seat before looking up at the large hanging cross in the front of the room. Looking around at the people, I sigh.
"Might as well…" I whisper to myself as I kneel down. Bringing my hands together, I bow my head and open myself to some outer other being.
"God?" I start hesitantly, "I know you're there and I know you probably have a universe of things on your mind but could you please just add one more thing to your plate and hear me out? I don't know what to do here…I don't know how to deal with this. I mean, I'm trying but…it's hard for me not to be mad about it. And I shouldn't be mad at her. I don't want to be mad at her because she did nothing wrong but I am. I am so…angry with her, it hurts us both. Please, God, help me stop being angry with her. Please, help me be a better person. A better man. Just help me be better.
My hands start to tighten as tears begin to burn my eyes, "And why her? So many bad things happen to her. Why this? She doesn't deserve this. Any of this. Why can't she have children? Why did she have to miscarry? Why, God, why?"
The tears are pouring out now. I squeeze my eyes shut at the words. "Why did you have to take her away from us? Why did she have to go? We were so excited and happy…why did she…?"
I can't finish the question. It was painful to think about the day she left us. What I saw in that bathroom. All of that blood on the floor. There was no warning for us. It was just one day she was there and the next day she was gone. I rest my head on my knuckles as I try to keep my sobs to myself.
"Watch over her. Watch over our little girl, our little Salene. And tell her…that mommy and daddy miss her very much. We love you, Salene…"
A/N: Hey guys! So this is the darkest fic I've ever written and it actually took a lot to write it. On Tumblr, I told my readers to look for this next week because it would be continued - meaning there would be one more POV section, but I decided against it. After thinking it over, I didn't see the point of the extra point of view nor did I want to do because this fic took a lot out of me - it hurt. So yeah. Anyway, this is Day 3's submission for Tumblr's BBRae Week. The prompt was inner demons and here we are. I know it's really dark but hopefully you still like it. If you like this, then please review! Well that's all for now...peace!
P.S. The name Salene means Heaven.