Disclaimer: This filk is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc.  The song "When the Foeman Bares His Steel," by W. S. Gilbert and Sir Arthur Sullivan, is taken from the operetta The Pirates of Penzance.   No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

* Author's Note: I am sorry, deeply sorry, to have perpetuated this, but I couldn't help it.  I heard the lyrics, and they spoke to me, and what they said was "Lockhart." *

When the Chamber Opens Wide

Scene: the staff room.  Professor Lockhart steps forward to sing in a deep baritone, with his many vanity photos providing a rousing back-up chorus.

Lockhart: When the Chamber opens wide,

(Photos):          Tarantara! tarantara!

I feel terror deep inside.

(Photos):         Tarantara!

And I feel the wisest course,

Tarantara! tarantara!

Is to bow before its force.

Tarantara!

For when faced with peril great,

Tarantara! tarantara!

One must tip one's hand to fate.

Tarantara!

There is nothing we can do.

It is sad, I fear, but true,

It is sad, I fear, but true!

Tarantara! tarantara!, etc.

Snape: Go, Professor.  Go, unless your

Claims of valiance were but bluster.

Now is not the time to dither.

Go to immortality!

Go to risk and go to danger;

Go to face that fearsome stranger;

Go for Finch-Fetchly, Creevy, and Granger.

Go, Gilderoy, go and die!

Staff: (Gleefully) Go, Gilderoy, go and die! Go, Gilderoy, go and die!

Lockhart: I'm afraid I don't recall,

(Photos):         Tarantara! tarantara!

Making such a claim at all.

Tarantara!

Perhaps you've misunderstood.

Tarantara! tarantara!

I can see how someone could.

Tarantara!

Still there has to be some mistake;

Those aren't statements I would make.

Tarantara! tarantara! tarantara!

For I'm afraid I don't recall

Making such a claim at all.

Tarantara! tarantara! tarantara!

Sprout: Go, Professor, do not linger

Go and act as Hogwarts' saviour,

You say you know where lies the chamber.

Go, poor Ginny for to save!

Flitwick: Though the monster's quite ferocious,

And its nature quite defeats us,

You've discerned its class and genus,

Go, and face it in its cave!

Lockhart: To my office I must go,

To prepare to meet the foe,

And thence to launch my attack..

I shall likely not be back.

Still, I fear I must confess

That I feel some small distress,

For I'm afraid I don't recall

Making such a claim at all.

Photos of Lockhart: Yes, we fear we don't recall

Making such a claim at all,

Don't recall, not at all, don't recall,

No, not at all!

Snape:                                                                         Lockhart:

How you grieved when Hagrid was caught,

E'er you with the monster fought.

Your hopes have not yet come to naught!

Go, poor Ginny for to save!

McGonagall:

Now, at last, you've time to do it:

Face the creature and subdue it.

We'll clear off and leave you to it.

Go, and face it in its cave!

Perhaps you've misunderstood.

  (Photos):                     Tarantara, tarantara!

I can see how someone could.

                                     Tarantara!

But there must be some mistake;

                                     Tarantara, tarantara!

These aren't statements I would make--

                                     Tarantara!

To my office I now go,

                                     Tarantara, tarantara!

To prepare to meet the foe,

                                     Tarantara!

And thence to launch my attack,

                                     Tarantara, tarantara!

I shall likely not be back,

                                      Tarantara!

Snape: Away, away!

Lockhart: (without moving) Yes, yes, I go.

Minerva: This monster slay.

Photos of Lockhart: Tarantara!

Snape: Why do you stay?

Photos of Lockhart: Tarantara!

McGonagall: You must not delay!

Lockhart: All right, I go.

Staff: Yes, to the Chamber go!

Yes, to the Chamber go!

Snape & McGonagall: Yes, but you don't go!

Lockhart: I go, I go

Staff: Yes, to the Chamber go!

Yes, to the Chamber go!

Snape & McGonagall: Yes, but you don't go!

Lockhart: I go, I go

Staff: At last he goes!

At last he goes!

At last he really, really goes!

McGonagall: (spoken) Right.  That's got him out from under our feet.

^_~