Disclaimer: This filk is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc.  The song "C'est Moi," by Alan Lerner and Frederick Loewe, is taken from the musical Camelot.   No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

* Author's Note:  In it's original form, this song is sung by Lancelot, who, though probably at least as arrogant as dear Gilderoy, is actually able to back up most of his claims.  Gilderoy, of course, cannot do this, and is making most of his "great exploits" up.  Still, the prevailing attitude seemed to suit him. *

C'est Moi, Lockhart!

In the midst of some suitably public forum—most likely during the book signing at Flourish and Blotts, Lockhart steps forward and bursts into song.


Gilderoy! Gilderoy!
If for an expert you do hunt,
'tis Gilderoy! Gilderoy!
Who is exactly what you want.
I know how delighted all of you will be
With marvelous, magical me!

A champion 'gainst the Dark should be invincible;
Succeed where a less fantastic man would swoon;
Cast a spell no one else can cast;
Cause a banshee to sing her last;
Kill a werewolf with a single silver spoon.
No matter the pain he ought to be unwinceable,
And face ev'ry crisis calm and iron-willed.
But where in the world
Is there in the world
A man so incredibly skilled?

C'est moi! C'est moi,
I'm forced to admit!
'Tis I, I humbly reply.
That wizard who
These marvels can do,
C'est moi, c'est moi, 'tis I.
I've never lost
A battle or duel.
I'm simply the best of all.
When wands are cross'd
I cast, as a rule,
One hex and then they fall!
C'est moi! C'est moi,
So admir'bly fit;
An auror none can surpass.
And here I stand with valour untold,
Exception'lly brave, amazingly bold,
To teach this year's Defence class!

A wizard so famous ought to look incredible:
His eyes should sparkle fresh as morning dew.
With tresses so long and rich
They're the envy of ev'ry witch,
He could easily gain a worshiper or two!
With a form and a face both pleasingly symmetrical,
His grin should exude incredible allure.
But where in the world
Is there in the world
A man with a beauty so pure?

C'est moi.

C'est moi! C'est moi,
I blush to disclose,
I'm far too noble to lie.
That man in whom
These qualities bloom,
C'est moi, c'est moi, 'tis I!

I've three times won
Witch Weekly's first prize;
My smile's so straight and white.
And though the sun
Shines bright in the skies,
My robes are still more bright!
C'est moi! C'est moi,
I've published eight books;
My fame continues to grow.
And here I stand to answer your pray'r,
Incredibly brave, with beauty to spare,
The most wonderful man I know . . .!
C'est moi!


Thanks to everyone who reviewed "When I Was a Boy" and "I am the Very Model of a Future Evil Overlord."  Here's another one for y'all.  And this one's actually not Gilbert & Sullivan!