A/N: This is a plot bunny from the opening sequence of season 7x1, which I just caught up with recently. I labeled this as "humor"; maybe it should even be labeled a parody. Sheldon & Penny are ridiculously, over-the-top, out of character here. This story is a silly bit of nonsense that I wrote for laughs. Don't take it seriously, people.

A/N: This is a plot bunny from the opening sequence of season 7x1, which I just caught up with recently.

Sheldon knocked frantically on Penny's door.

"What's up, sweetie?" she asked groggily, standing there in her skimpy pajamas.

"I thought you might be having trouble sleeping since you miss Leonard."

"Are you having trouble sleeping because you miss Leonard?"

"No, but perhaps I should sleep here because you miss him so much."

"All right. Come on in."

The two climbed into Penny's bed, and Penny was halfway asleep when she felt long fingers exploring the curve of her hip.

"Sheldon? What are you doing?"

"Well, Leonard asked me to take care of you while he was gone. If you miss him, I am obligated to do something to make you feel better."

He slid his hand up her body and started to caress the underside of her breast.

"You know, I really… miss Leonard," she said, turning around to kiss him.

He kissed her back passionately. "You definitely seem—" gasp "—very lonely."

Clothes went flying as Penny educated Sheldon in the art of making love. For the first time in his life, he was apparently a slow pupil, because he needed his lesson repeated several times that night.

The next evening, as Sheldon was getting ready for bed, he received a text message. It was from Penny, and contained three words: I miss Leonard. Immediately, he dropped what he was doing and went over to his blonde neighbor's apartment. Sheldon Cooper always took his responsibilities very seriously.

Their torrid affair continued for several weeks. Sheldon was surprised to find how intensely he… missed Leonard. Why, several times, he had to go comfort Penny in the middle of the day.

Then one day, Penny heard an un-patterned knock on her door. Opening it, she was surprised to find Leonard standing there.

"Oh my gosh, what are you doing here? I thought you weren't supposed to get back for a few more days."

"Yeah, well, I lied to Sheldon so we could have some time alone."

"Wow, that's so… romantic," Penny said, pasting a bright smile on her face.

"Yeah... let's go with that," he replied.

"I'm just going to go freshen up," Penny said with a suggestive smile. Stepping into the bathroom, she quickly texted Sheldon.

Penny: Dont have 2 miss Leonard any more. He's here rite now!

Sheldon: What? I thought he wasn't due back until Sunday.

Penny: He lied 2 u. Says he missed me 2.

Sheldon: What are you going to do?

Penny: I cant tell him. U have 2 play dum.

Sheldon: Need I remind you that I have an IQ of 187?

Penny: Just pretend u dont know!

With that, Penny closed her phone, swiftly stripped down to her bra and panties, and went back out to welcome Leonard home.

Sheldon had actually gotten very good at pretending. He pretending he was looking forward to Leonard's return. He pretended that what was going on with Penny hadn't changed his entire life. He had even lied outright to Amy (via text) about having to cancel their date night because he had to work late. The truth was, he couldn't stand her cloying desperation any more.

But now he suddenly saw a use for Amy. He could manipulate her into interrupting Leonard's welcome home party for two... or perhaps it was only a party to one of them. Quickly, he texted her, pretending (there was that word again) that he wanted to make it up to her for missing date night. She came to heel like a loyal hound. He quickly pointed out the obvious indicators that there was someone else in Penny's apartment. To mask his tension, he claimed he thought Penny was cheating on Leonard.

When they burst into Penny's apartment and broke up Leonard's tryst, he couldn't help but dart a triumphant glance in Penny's direction. The look she returned to him was one of relief.

Sheldon kept Leonard away from Penny by insisting that the two roommates have dinner and watch a sci-fi movie together, to make up for lost time. As soon as Leonard had gone out to pick up their Chinese food order, Sheldon flung himself across the hall to Penny's apartment. He didn't even bother with his triple knock. Penny looked up, startled, as Sheldon burst into her apartment. He didn't bother with words. He just grabbed her and pinned her in place against the nearest wall. With one hand, he undid his zipper and pushed aside her panties. As he thrust up inside of her, he growled, "I can't stand the thought of him touching you, taking you. You're mine."

She moaned and clenched her muscles around his length, loving the way he filled her.

"No more," she promised. "We'll tell him... soon."

As it happened, Leonard found out what was going on about twenty-three minutes later. He reached the fourth floor landing, takeout bags in hand, to find his apartment door ajar. A sensual moan drew his eyes to his neighbor's apartment, where her door was also standing wide open. He dropped the food as he stared in horror and disbelief at the scene in front of him.

"Sheldon! Penny! What the hell is going on here?" he yelled.

Penny faced him, unashamed. "You know, Leonard, all this time, I thought I was missing you. Turns out I was just missing the point."

Sheldon half-turned toward his former best friend while he was still supporting Penny against the wall. "In case you are unclear about which point you are missing, you are redundant. Obsolete. No longer wanted. Get out."

Leonard backed away, cursing, and slammed the door. It was his own fault, really. He knew it had been a mistake to go away. He'd asked Sheldon to take care of Penny. Maybe next time, he would remember how literal Sheldon was.