Why should I even try to explain the mess I'm in? You'd never understand. I hardly do.
When did this all started? I'm not sure. I think three, maybe four years ago. Three complicated years. Oh, the complication. I take the 'complicated' button on facebook to a whole new level.
Just his name makes me want to throw things around. Or him. I'd like to throw him against a wall with all the power I have and hear all his bones break.
But I'd regret that.
I know I would regret killing him. Otherways, I would have done it already, for I get opportunities to do it all the time. When he's fast asleep next to me or when he's all sleepy, eating cereal at my kitchen table.
MY kitchen table!
He uses everything that is mine! He sleeps in my bed, eats my food, sits on my couch, uses my stupid television. He even uses me.
'Get some milk while you're out.'
'You can have your milk. Imma throw all that shit in your face.'
Yet I do it. He actually gets me to favours like that. It's absurd. I'm so angry at him, at myself. All the time. It's so unfair what he's been doing to me, and that I just let it happen.
I wasn't programmed to do this. This is not how I'm supposed to function. Letting a unworthy, disgusting creature live in my house and sleep in my bed. If the tallest would know about this... Hell, if ANY irken would know this, I'd probably selfdestruct in pure embarrasement. Allthough that probably wouldn't be neccesary. They would've unplugged my PAK for betrayal, and who could blame them?
And why? Why do I let him do this to me? Why does he gets away with the things he does?
In the beginning, Dib had some sort of value because he cared. He was the only one who saw me as the threatening invader that I was, and he made taking over his disgusting planet to be an actual challenge.
Now, I couldn't care less about earth. About my mission.
Do you see it now? Do you see what that horrible pig does to me?
I have underestimated him. I didn't think he'd ever be able to achieve this.
What do I get in return?
Alot, actually. The problem is, I've never known I needed these things he gives me until now.
Where to start? Maybe his presence. Just him, being there during the days. He's in my way, on the places where I want to stand, walk or sit. His annoying voice follows me around the house, complaining about the things I do and asking questions.
So many stupid questions.
'You burned my fucking dinner.'
'Are you going to walk Gir or what?'
'Where's the remote?'
'Are you going to eat that?'
'Not now, I'm busy.'
His company is a huge pain, yet I feel less.. lonely. Gir is even more annoying than he is and before Dib came here,my unit was all I've had for company. A person to share things with is nice, it just is. And from all the humans, Dib is the most worthy of being in my presence.
One of the best things about Dib is his body heat. Especially in the winter.
In the past, I used to clung to four, five blankets during the cold nights. Not only is planet irk alot warmer than earth, my PAK also has some.. difficulties adjusting to the tempature around me.
Not that I'm defective.
Dib is a walking heather. Whetever he's awake or asleep, his body always radiates heat. Bloody delicious heat.
Okay now here it comes. If you tell anyone, I'm going to deny it.
I've never slept better before Dib started sleeping with me. I've cut down to just two blankets, because now I've got a human to warm my cold bones. Lying in his arms is a pure bliss. He holds me from behind (I think it's called forking.. or something. Knifing?) or I bury my face in his neck. His big hands then rest on my hips or my back and he encloses me in that perfect tempature.
Sleeping now has become a fun activity for me. Something to look forward to. During the day, I actually can't wait to crawl into those pale, muscular arms and let him soothe me to sleep. It just takes me mere minutes to doze off, now.
It's absolutely delicious and it kills me.
So damn disgusting and wrong. I need the human to fall asleep. I need him.
All this is called 'cuddling.' A word so cute, I want to blast Dib's brains out everytime it slips from his lips.
Unfortunaly, cuddling isn't the only human affection tradition I've participated in. Not by far. I've done so much things with that human. Things that should not be spoken off.
I let him kiss me. He puts his soft, pink lips on my body and makes the smooching sound. Then it's over. A weird, small action. Dib does it all te time. When we wake up or when we go to sleep. When I've done him a favour or when he's pissed. When I'm leaving or when I return. I stopped questioning myself why he does it. I think he's marking me as his own. Showing me that he likes me and wants me to stay with him, just so he could repeat the gesture.
He kisses me on so many places. My cheeks, my lips, my forehead, shoulders, neck, between my eyes.. He kissed my hip once, and my stomach, chest..
I could keep this up for a while.
Yes, I admit it, I've been returning them. Not as much as he does, it's not in my nature, but yes I do it sometimes. In the beginning I did it for him, to watch his eyes glow and his smile to appear. Right now, I'm afraid I'll have to admit that I've been using it for the same reasons he does. To show him that I like him and that I want him to stay. To claim him as my own.
Is he my own?
Is Dib irken property? Yes, but it's different. He's not mine the way my base is, or Gir. I can't knock him out and keep him in a box for a while because I've gotten tired of him.
Believe me, I tried.
He's mine in a different way. Maybe it's different because, possibely, I'm his too. Perhaps that makes the difference. The fact that he cares as much about me as I do to him. The fact that he needs me around as much as I need him.
The way my situation looks now, I can't live without him anymore.